  The scene is a plain-looking schoolroom t Miss Dyott's. Outside the two windows runs a narrow balcony, and beyond are seen the upper stories and roofs of the opposite houses. There are two doors facing each other. The room is decorated for the occasion with holly and evergreen, and a table is laid with supper. Peggy is standing on a chair, with a large hammer in her hand, nailing up holly. PEGGY.[Surveying her work.] There! I'm sure Miss Dyott wouldn't recognise the dull old class-rooms. [Descending.] I think it's time I dressed. [Queckett enters slowly; he is in a perfectly fitting evening dress, with a flower in his button-hole, but looks much depressed. He and Peggy regard each other for a moment silently.] Oh, I'm so glad you're ready early! How good it makes one feel, giving pleasure to others—doesn't it? Aren't you well? QUECKETT.Yes—no. I deeply regret plunging into the vortex of these festivities. PEGGY.Oh, I suppose you're nervous in society. QUECKETT.[Drawing himself up!] Nervous in society, Miss Hesslerigge? PEGGY.What do you think of the decorations? Artistic, aren't they? QUECKETT.A treat at a Sunday School! PEGGY.Then you shouldn't have locked up the rooms downstairs. QUECKETT.I daren't allow the neighbours to see the house lighted up downstairs. I wish I could have locked up all you vexing girls. PEGGY.That's not the spirit to give a party in! [Contemplating the table.] How many do you think your friend, Mr. Mallory, will bring? QUECKETT.I don't think Mr. Mallory will find his way here at all. Have you observed the fog? PEGGY.Is it foggy? QUECKETT.You can't see your hand before you outside. I sincerely hope my friend will not come. PEGGY.There's hospitality! Ours will. QUECKETT.Who is your friend? PEGGY.Mr. Paulover. QUECKETT.And who the devil is— PEGGY.I don't think that's the language for a party, Mr. Queckett! QUECKETT.I beg your pardon. Who is Paulover? [Tyler enters with a bill in-his hand, with his hair stiffly brushed and greased, and wearing an expression of intense wonderment.] What's this? TYLER.A beautiful large lobster salid is come, sir. QUECKETT.[Looking at Peggy.] I haven't ordered a lobster salad. [In an undertone.] You know, this is getting extremely vexing. [He takes from his pocket the packets of money previously given him by Miss Dyott.] I've already paid a bill for some oysters and a pÂtÉ de foie gras. Jane's wages went for that. [Opening a packet.] Now, here's a salad. That breaks into next week's household expenses. [Handing the money to Tyler, who goes out.] PEGGY.We're only girls, you know. And you seem to forget you're our uncle. QUECKETT.[Irritably.] I am not your uncle. PEGGY.To-night you are. But you needn't be our uncle to-morrow. QUECKETT.[Gloomily.] Somebody will have to be my uncle to-morrow. Then I understand there's a lark pudding ordered for half-past nine. I can't allow the account to be sent in to—to— PEGGY.To Auntie? QUECKETT.Well—to—to Auntie. Who pays for the lark pudding? PEGGY.You couldn't well ask girls to do it; besides, it's your party. QUECKETT.It is not my party, and it is your lark pudding. PEGGY.It may be our lark—but it's your pudding. [Tyler enters still much astonished, and with another bill.] QUECKETT.[Taking the bill.] What's that? TYLER.Sich a lot of champagne's come, sir! PEGGY.Champagne! Who ordered that? I didn't. QUECKETT.Hush! I did—I did—I did. PEGGY.Then it is your party? QUECKETT.Part of the party is my party. [Opening another packet.] I've broken into the rent. [He hands Tyler the bill and some money, pocketing the remainder. Tyler goes out.] The Fire Insurance alone remains intact. [Opening the last packet.] Postal Orders for thirty shillings. I'll despatch that, at any rate. [He sits at the writing-table and begins to write. Peggy hammers up the last piece of holly, as Queckett tries to write.] Oh, you vexing girl! PEGGY.Beg pardon; this is the last blow. [She gives another knock as Jane enters, carrying a large ornamental wedding-cake. Jane is in a black gown and smart cap and apron; her eyes are wide open with pleasure and astonishment. Jane deposits the cake upon the writing-table before Queckett.] JANE.'Scuse me, sir; the confectioner's jest brought the things. QUECKETT.What's that? That isn't the lark pudding. JANE.Oh, lor', no, sir! [She goes out.] PEGGY.Oh, that's the wedding-cake. QUECKETT.Oh, come—it isn't my wedding-cake. PEGGY.[Laughing.] Oh, don't, you funny man! No, it's Mr. Paulover's. QUECKETT.Who the dev— PEGGY.Hush! QUECKETT.Let's settle one thing at a time. Who is Paulover? PEGGY.Dear Dinah's husband. QUECKETT.Dear Dinah? PEGGY.Your niece—Dinah Rankling. QUECKETT. Married? PEGGY.Secretly. To Mr. Paulover. [Queckett puts his hand to his brow.] QUECKETT.Oh, that's old Paulover, is it? PEGGY.Young Paulover. They were married really three weeks ago, but without any breakfast—I don't mean a bacon breakfast, I mean a proper breakfast. But we girls think they ought to have a wedding-cake and everything complete to start them in life together: and that's why you're giving this party, you know. QUECKETT.Now, understand me, I will not be dragged into such a conspiracy! PEGGY.But you're in it. QUECKETT.The Ranklings are acquaintances of mine, almost relatives; Admiral Rankling's cousin married the sister of the man who bought my brother's horses. [Rubbing his hands together.] I wash my hands of all you vexing girls. PEGGY.Don't fret about it, please. Nothing can ever make Mrs. Paulover Miss Rankling again. I'll go and dress while you finish your letter. QUECKETT.[Impatiently.] Oh! [He resumes writing at the table.] PEGGY.[Going to the door.] The girls will be here directly. Be nice, won't you? [She goes out. Jane enters with tarts and confectionery on dishes which she places on the table before Queckett.] JANE.S'cuse me, sir. [Queckett rises with his letter and the inkstand, and goes impatiently over to the other side of the room, where he continues writing on the top of piano.] QUECKETT.They won't let me write to the Insurance Office. [Tyler enters with some boxes of bon-bons. The writing table being crowded Jane waves him over to the piano and goes out. Tyler puts the bon-bons on the top of the piano before Queckett, who snatches up his letter and the inkstand again and goes to the centre table.] QUECKETT.I will write to the Insurance Office. [Tyler goes out as Jane re-enters.] JANE.[Presenting a bill.] The pastrycook's bill, sir. QUECKETT.Great Scot! [Diving his hand into his pocket, bringing out some loose money and giving it to Jane.] There! [Jane goes out.] I've written to the Insurance Office. [Sealing the letter.] My mind's easy—done my duty to poor Caroline. [He puts the letter in his breast pocket as Tyler enters.] TYLER.[More astonished than ever, announcing.] Miss Gwendoline Hawkins. [Gwendoline enters, dressed in a simple and pretty party-dress. Tyler goes out.] GWENDOLINE.[Bashfully, seeing nobody but Queckett.] Oh, I'm first; I shall come back again. [She is going.] QUECKETT.Come in—come in. How d'ye do. [Gwendoline advances. Queckett shakes hands with her.] Delighted to see you—so glad you've come—won't you sit down? [To himself with satisfaction.] Illustrations of Deportment and the Restrictions of Society—Vere Queckett. Carrie would be delighted. [Tyler re-enters, still more astonished.] TYLER.Miss Hermyntrude Johnson, and—and—and Mrs. Reginald Paulover! QUECKETT.This is a little too vexing! [Ermyntrude and Dinah enter, both prettily dressed—Dinah in white. Tyler goes out. Angrily.] How d'ye do—so glad you've come—won't you sit down? DINAHWe're very well, thank you. ERMYNTRUDE.Awfully well. [They sit, the three girls in a row. Dinah in the centre, Gwendoline and Ermyntrude taking her hands.] QUECKETT.[To himself.] Instructions in Polite Conversation. [Brusquely to Dinah.] How is Paulover? DINAH.I think he's very well, thank you. QUECKETT.[To himself.] Carrie would be pleased. [To the girls.] H'm! I suppose you young ladies distinctly understand that I occupy a painfully false position this evening? DINAH.I am sure it is very, very kind of you to give this party. QUECKETT.[To himself] Well, now, that's exceedingly appropriate, the way in which that is put. Carrie really does do her duty to the parents of these girls. GWENDOLINE.Peggy says you insist on our calling you Uncle. QUECKETT.Does she? [To himself]. Peggy is the one I've turned against. ERMYNTRUDE.We think you'll be an awfully jolly uncle. QUECKETT.[Pleased.] Thank ye—thank ye. [To himself.] I begin to like helping Carrie with the pupils. [Peggy enters. She is quaintly but untidily dressed in poor, much worn, and old-fashioned finery. In her hand she carries a pair of soiled, long white gloves.] Hallo! [Without speaking a word, Peggy hurries across the room and goes out.] What is the matter with that vexing girl now? [Peggy re-enters with Tyler, pushing him forward.] TYLER.[Announcing.] Miss Margaret Hesslerigge. [Peggy advances to Queckett, holding out her hand.] PEGGY.How do you do? QUECKETT.[Savagely.] How d'ye do—delighted to see you—for goodness' sake, sit down! [He turns away to the fire. The three girls rise to greet Peggy.] Dinah. [Anxiously.'] I don't think it's nearly half-past nine yet. PEGGY.[Rather proudly, produces a huge, old-fashioned watch.] Twenty to ten. DINAH.I thought it was. [Dinah, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude run to one window, pull aside the blind, and look out. Peggy goes to the other window, pulls up the blind and opens the window.] QUECKETT.What are you doing? PEGGY.I can just see him, under his lamp-post. DINAH.The fog will hurt him. PEGGY.Hush! I told him we'd whistle twice. DINAH.Do it! PEGGY.[Peggy makes two or three ineffectual attempts to whistle.] Girls, it's ominous—my whistle has left me. [ To Queckett, taking his arm.] Come and whistle! QUECKETT.No—no. PEGGY.[Leading Queckett to the open window.] Whistle, or you'll catch cold. [Queckett whistles twice, desperately, then returns to the fireplace, annoyed.] He's heard it. [She closes the window and pulls down the blind.] Now, listen. [To Gwendoline and Ermyntrude.] You two girls count five. GWENDOLINE.One. ERMYNTRUDE.Two. DINAH.Oh, how slowly you count! GWENDOLINE.Three. ERMYNTRUDE.Four. DINAH.[Clasping her hands.] Five! [There is a distant ring at the bell; with a little cry Dinah runs out. Peggy begins to put her gloves on. Ermyntrude and Gwendoline go to the door, open it, and listen.] [To Queckett.] Thank you for whistling. I shall never make a "Whistling woman," shall I? QUECKETT.A wide knowledge of humanity, in its highest and lowest grades, Miss Hesslerigge, does not enable me even to conjecture the possibilities of your future. PEGGY.No compliments, please. Thank you. [She holds out her gloved hand for him to button the glove. After a look of astonishment he complies.] You know my idea about my future, don't you? QUECKETT.No. PEGGY.That I only need one essential to become a Duchess. QUECKETT.What is that? PEGGY.A Duke. GWENDOLINE.They're coming upstairs! PEGGY.[To Queckett.] Now you'll see Mr. Paulover. Oh, I do hope he'll take to you! QUECKETT.Well, really, I'm—[He walks angrily away as Dinah enters with Reginald Paulover, a good-looking lad, rather sheepish when in repose, but fiery and demonstrative when out of temper. He is in evening dress, overcoat, and muffler, and wears a respirator, which he removes on entering.] DINAH.[Introducing the three girls.] Reggie, these are my three dear friends—Miss Hawkins—Miss Johnson— REGINALD.[Bowing.] Awfully pleased to meet you. DINAH.And Miss Hesslerigge. [Peggy advances and shakes hands with Reginald.] REGINALD.Thank you very much for being so kind to—my wife. ERMENTRUDE.[To Gwendoline, disappointed.] No whiskers or moustache! Oh! PEGGY.[To Reginald.] Had you been waiting long? REGINALD.Ten minutes. I was jolly glad to hear my wife's dear little whistle. I should know it from a thousand. PEGGY.H'm! Dinah dear, make Mr. Paulover and Mr. Queckett known to each other. [Queckett comes forward with a disagreeable look. Reginald glares at him.] DINAH.[Timidly.] Reggie dear, this is Mr. Queckett. [Queckett bows stiffly. Reginald nods angrily.] REGINALD.[To Dinah.] Dinah, what is a man doing here? You know I can't bear you to talk to a man. DINAH.Oh, Reggie, why are you always so jealous? PEGGY.Mr. Queckett is giving the party. REGINALD.What party? PEGGY.Your wedding party. REGINALD.Is he! [To Queckett, angrily.] I'm much obliged to Mr. Queckett. PEGGY.[Pacifying Reginald.] Mr. Queckett is so nice—he calls himself Dinah's uncle. REGINALD.Does he! Then it's a liberty—that's all I can say. QUECKETT.Do you know you're in my house, sir? REGINALD.I'm not in your house, sir! Come away, Dinah! PEGGY.Hush! Mr. Queckett is Miss Dyott's— QUECKETT.Be quiet—mind your own buiness. REGINALD.[To Queckett.] At any rate it's my business sir. QUECKETT.I'm afraid you're a cub, sir. REGINALD.What! DINAH.Oh, Reggie, don't! [A loud knock and ring are heard.] PEGGY.[To Queckett.] Your friend. REGINALD.Whose friend? QUECKETT.My friend. REGINALD.Another man, I suppose—Dinah! PEGGY.Ladies, do explain everything to Mr. Paulover. [Dinah seizes Reginald's arm. Gwendoline and Ermyntrude gather round them, Reginald protesting.] REGINALD.[Handing his card as he passes Queckett.] My card, sir. QUECKETT.Pooh, sir! [Throwing the card in the fire. The three girls hurry Reginald out of the room.] PEGGY.[To Queckett.] I'm so sorry—he hasn't taken to you. QUECKETT.He needn't trouble himself! Upon my soul, this is going to be a nice party! TYLER.[Tyler enters.] Three gentlemen, sir: I was to say the name of Mallory. QUECKETT.Three gentlemen! PEGGY.[Delighted, to Queckett.] Oh, he's brought some good fellows! [Reckoning on her fingers,] That's one for Ermyntrude—and one for me—and one for— QUECKETT.[To Peggy.] Be quiet. [To Tyler.] I'll come down. MALLORY.[Outside.] Queckett! QUECKETT.Yes, Jack! [Jack Mallory enters. He is a good-looking, jovial fellow of about thirty-six, with a bronzed face. He is in evening dress and overcoat. Tyler goes out.] MALLORY.[Shaking hands heartily with Queckett.] Ah, Queckett—dear old chap—well, I am glad to see you. QUECKETT.How are you, Jack? MALLORY.Quaint diggings you have up here. The hanging committee have shied you, though, haven't they? [Seeing Peggy.] I beg your pardon. QUECKETT.[Confused.] Oh—ah—yes. I didn't mention it. I have my—my—nieces spending Christmas with me. MALLORY.[Bowing to Peggy.] Delighted. [To Queckett.] Did you say niece or nieces? QUECKETT.Nieces. [Softly to Peggy, quickly.] How many? I forget. PEGGY.[To Queckett.] Three. QUECKETT.Three. PEGGY.Three, not counting me. QUECKETT.Three, not counting me. I mean three, not counting that vexing girl—Peggy—Margaret. MALLORY.[Bowing.] It would be impossible not to count Miss—Margaret. PEGGY.[Simpering.] Oh! [Queckett assists Mallory to take off his overcoat, first darting an angry look at Peggy.] PEGGY.[To herself.] I shall give Gwendoline and Ermyntrude the two that are downstairs. QUECKETT.H'm! You're not alone, are you, Jack? Mallory. No—they're coming up. QUECKETT.[ Grimly.] Are they? MALLORY.The old gentleman takes his time with the stairs. QUECKETT.[ With forced ease.] Poor old gentleman! Who the deuce—! MALLORY.The fact is, there's been a big Navy dinner tonight at the Whitehall Rooms. The enthusiasm became rather forced—Britannia rules the waves, and all that sort of thing—so I gladly thought of finishing up with you. I've brought my nephew—hallo, here he is. [Mr. Saunders enters. He is a pretty boy, almost a child, in the uniform of a naval cadet.] My nephew—Horatio Nelson Drake Saunders, of the Training Ship "Dexterous." SAUNDERS.[ With the airs of a little man, but in a treble voice.] How do you do? Awfully pleased to come here. QUECKETT.Glad to see you, Mr. Saunders. MALLORY.[Laughing, to Saunders.] I say, you shouldn't have left the old gentleman. SAUNDERS.[Laughing.] He sent me up to count how many more stairs there were. QUECKETT.[Impatiently.] Jack, I don't put the question on theological grounds, but who is the old gentleman? MALLORY.Oh, I beg your pardon—and his. We persuaded an old acquaintance of yours to join us—Admiral Rankling. QUECKETT.[Aghast.] What! MALLORY.Do you mind? QUECKETT.Mind! RANKLING.[Outside.'] Mr. Saunders! SAUNDERS.Here, sir. [Peggy makes a bolt out of the room. Saunders goes to the door, and returns with Rankling. Rankling is in evening dress, overcoat, and muffler, and is much out if breath.] RANKLING.Ah, Mr. Queckett, how do you do? We haven't met anywhere lately; I've been away, you know. QUECKETT.I am delighted to renew our acquaintance, Admiral Rankling. RANKLING.[Puffing.] Mr. Mallory suggested that we should smoke our last cigar at your lodgings. I can't stay, for I've a long distance to drive home. At least, I suppose I have, for I really don't know quite where we are. What quarter of London have you brought me to, Mr. Mallory? Oh, thank ye! [He turns to Saunders, who is offering to remove his overcoat. The door is slightly opened, and the heads of all the girls are seen. ] QUECKETT.[Hastily to Mallory.] He doesn't know where he is! MALLORY.The fog's as thick as a board outside. QUECKETT.He isn't aware he lives a hundred and fifty yards off! MALLORY.No—does he? QUECKETT.Hush, don't tell him! Jack, don't tell him! I'll explain why by-and-by. [Queckett turns to assist Saunders who, mounted on a chair, is struggling ineffectually to relieve Rankling of his overcoat.] RANKLING.Thank ye—bits o' boys, bits o' boys. MALLORY.[To himself.] There's a wild look about poor Queckett I don't like. It's his lonely bachelor life, I suppose. Curious place too—he used to be such a swell in the Albany. [Looking about him. The door shuts and the heads disappear.] RANKLING.[To Queckett.] Thank ye—thank ye. [Panting.] Ouf! [Rankling sits down, and Mallory talks to him. Saunders has seated himself on the sofa and is dozing off, quite tired out. ] QUECKETT.Oh, what a party! [ The door opens, and Peggy's head appears.] PEGGY.[Hurriedly to Queckett.] Who'd have thought of this? QUECKETT.It might be worse—he doesn't recognise the house he is in. PEGGY.Doesn't he? QUECKETT.Get rid of his daughter and that horrid Paulover. PEGGY.Certainly not; I know he won't recognise his daughter. QUECKETT.Won't recognise his own dau—you'll drive me mad! [They continue to talk in undertones. Saunders is now fast asleep.] RANKLING.[To Mallory.] No—I don't like the look of poor Queckett. MALLORY.He seems altered. RANKLING.Altered—he glares like the devil. He's not married, is he? MALLORY.No. RANKLING.Then, what does he mean by it? Queer rooms too. [Catching sight of the wedding-cake on the table.] Lord, look there! MALLORY.[Looking at the cake.] Hallo! RANKLING.Why, it's like the thing we had at my wedding breakfast. Phew! I shall go. MALLORY.No, no! The fact is poor old Queckett has some nieces staying with him. RANKLING.Nieces? MALLORY.Four of 'em. I've seen one, and I fancy by the look of her mischievous little face, that they're too much for him. PEGGY.[To Queckett.] Leave everything to me. Don't spoil the party, Uncle. QUECKETT.Dash the party! [Peggy retiring hastily, the door bangs, at which Rankling and Mallory look round.] RANKLING.Oh, Queckett, where are your nieces? QUECKETT.Nieces—nieces? Oh, they retire at eight o'clock. Early to bed, early to rise—[Gwendoline and Ermyntrude enter, visibly pushed on by Peggy.] RANKLING.[Rising.] Um, this doesn't look like early to bed. QUECKETT.[ Weakly.] Just got up, I suppose. Gwendoline—Ermyntrude—my dears—Admiral Rankling—Mr. Mallory—[Looking about for Saunders.] Mr.—Mr.—Oh, Mr. Saunders is asleep! [Ermyntrude and Gwendoline advance to Rankling.] RANKLING.[To the girls.] How do you do? And whose daughters are you? [Gwendoline and Ermyntrude look frightened, and shake their heads.] QUECKETT.Oh, these are my sister Isabel's girls. RANKLING.Why, all your sister Isabel's children were boys. QUECKETT.Were boys, yes. RANKLING.[Irritably.] Are boys, sir. QUECKETT.Are men, now. H'm! I should have said these are my sister Janet's children. RANKLING.Oh! I've never heard of your sister Janet. QUECKETT.No—quiet, retiring girl, Janet. RANKLING.Well then, whom did Janet marry? QUECKETT.Whom didn't Janet marry? I mean, whom did Jane marry? Why, Finch Griffin of the Berkshire Royals! RANKLING.Dear me, we're going to meet Major Griffin and his wife on Christmas Day at the Trotwells'. QUECKETT.Are you? [To Gwendoline and Ermyntrude.] Go away. [Peggy enters.] Oh—ahem! This is Margaret—Peggy. RANKLING.Oh—another of Mrs. Griffin's. QUECKETT.Yes, yes! RANKLING.Large family. QUECKETT.Rapid—two a year. RANKLING.[Eyeing Peggy.] Why, we've met before to-day! PEGGY.Eh—where? RANKLING.At a miserable school near my house in Portland Place. PEGGY.Oh, yes. Our holidays began this afternoon. RANKLING.Why, Queckett, my daughter Dinah and Miss Griffin are school-fellows! QUECKETT.No! RANKLING.Yes! QUECKETT.No! RANKLING.Yes, sir. QUECKETT.How small the world is! RANKLING.Do you happen to know anything about the person who keeps that school? What's the woman's name—Miss—Miss—? QUECKETT.Miss—Miss—Miss— PEGGY.Miss Dyott. Oh, yes, Uncle knows her to speak to. RANKLING.What about her, Queckett? QUECKETT.[Looking vindictively at Peggy.] Er—um—rather not hazard an opinion. [He hastily joins Mallory, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude.] RANKLING.[Confidentially to Peggy.] Er—um—my dear Miss Griffin, did you receive a short but ample apology from me this afternoon—addressed, "To the young lady who was shaken"? PEGGY.Yes; and oh! I shall always prize it! RANKLING.No, no, don't! You haven't bothered your Uncle about it, have you, dear? PEGGY.No—not yet. RANKLING.I shouldn't, then, I shouldn't. He seems worried enough. Shall I take you and your sisters to see the pantomime? PEGGY.Yes—please. RANKLING.Then you'd better give me back that apology. PEGGY.Oh, no—you'd use it again. RANKLING.One—two—three. Mr. Mallory says you have four nieces with you, Mr. Queckett. QUECKETT.Ah, but Jack's been dining, you know. I beg your pardon, Jack. PEGGY.Oh, yes, there is one more. Mrs.—Mrs.—Parkinson is here with her husband. QUECKETT.H'm! my brother Tankerville's eldest girl. RANKLING.I've never heard of your brother Tankerville! QUECKETT.No—he's Deputy Inspector of Prisons in British Guiana. Quiet, retiring chap. PEGGY.I'll go and fetch them. [She runs out.] QUECKETT.[To Rankling.] To make a clean breast of it, the girls have been preparing a little festival to-night in honor of Mr. and Mrs.—Mr. and Mrs.—the name Peggy mentioned. My niece was married, very quietly, some weeks ago to a charming young fellow—a charming young fellow—and these foolish children insist on cutting a wedding-cake and all that sort of nonsense. I didn't want to disturb you with their chatter— RANKLING.You forget, Queckett, you are speaking to a father. QUECKETT.No—I don't, indeed. [Peggy re-enters, followed by Reginald and Dinah.] PEGGY.My cousin and Mr. Parkinson. RANKLING.How do you—[Staring.] What an extraordinary likeness to my brother Ned! [Taking her hand slowly, still looking at her.] And how do you do? DINAH.[Palpitating.] Thank you, I am very well. RANKLING.Do you know, your voice is exceedingly like my sister Rachel's! REGINALD.[Thrusting himself between Dinah and Rankling.] I am sorry to differ—I think my wife resembles no one but herself. RANKLING.[Hotly ] I beg your pardon, sir. REGINALD.[Hotly] Pray, don't. RANKLING.[To himself ] That's not a charming young fellow! PEGGY.[Presenting Mallory to Dinah.] Mr. Mallory. MALLORY.[Gallantly, to Dinah.] I am delighted to have the opportunity of congratulating my old friend's niece upon her recent marriage. [Taking her hand.] I think myself especially fortunate in being present on such— REGINALD.[Thrusting himself between Dinah and Mallory, and giving Dinah his arm.] How do you do, sir? MALLORY.Mr. Mallory—Mr. Parkinson. [ They bow abruptly, glaring at each other.] MALLORY.[To himself.] Is that a charming young fellow? [Dinah expostulates in undertones with Reginald; he answering with violent gestures and glaring at Rankling, who mutters comments on Dinah's resemblance to various members of his family. Peggy endeavours to pacify Mallory who is evidently annoyed, and altogether there is much hubbub, with signs of general ill-feeling.] QUECKETT.[Sinking back in his chair.] Oh, what a party! [Jane enters.] JANE.[Quietly to Queckett.] The pudding is in the arey, sir, waiting to be paid. QUECKETT.I'll come to it. [Jane goes out. To Peggy.] Margaret, show Admiral Rankling and Mr. Mallory where the cigarettes are—they may like—[To himself] Years are going off my life! [He goes out.] PEGGY.[ To Mallory.] May I take you to the cigarettes? MALLORY.[To Peggy.] You may take me anywhere. PEGGY.[Bashfully.] Oh! [To Rankling.] The cigarettes are in the next room, Admiral Rankling. RANKLING.[Not hearing Peggy, but still eyeing Dinah.] That girl has a look of Emma's sister Susan. [Peggy and Mallory go out. Reginald seeing Rankling is still looking at Dinah, abruptly takes her over to the door, glaring at Rankling as he passes.] REGINALD.[To Dinah, fiercely.] Come away, Dinah! DINAH.[To Reginald, tearfully.] Oh, Reggie, dear Reggie, you are so different when people are not present. [They go out. Rankling watches them through the doorway. Gwendoline has meanwhile seated herself beside Saunders, whose head has gradually fallen till it rests upon her shoulder. She is now sitting quite still, looking down upon the boy's face.] ERMYNTRUDE.[Watching them enviously.] Well, considering that Mr. Saunders was introduced to us asleep, I don't think Gwendoline's behaviour is coÎnme il faut! [She bumps gently against Rankling.] Oh! RANKLING.[Looking at Ermyntrude, rather dazed.] My dear, I am quite glad to see somebody who isn't like any of my relations. Come along. [They go out. Saunders moves dreamily and murmurs.] SAUNDERS.[Waking.] All right, ma dear—I'll come down directly. [He raises his head and kisses Gwendoline, then opens his eyes, and looks at her, startled.] Oh, I've been dreaming about my ma! I—I don't know you, do I? GWENDOLINE.It doesn't matter, Mr. Saunders. You've had such a good sleep. [She kisses his forehead gently.] SAUNDERS.Oh, that's just like my ma! Where are the others? GWENDOLINE.[Arranging his curls upon his forehead.] I'll take you to them. SAUNDERS.Thank you. What's your name? GWENDOLINE.Gwendoline. SAUNDERS.Gwen's short for that, isn't it? [Rubbing his eyes with his fists, then offering her his arm.] Permit me, Gwen. [They go out. Queckett, his hair disarranged, his appearance generally wild, immediately enters, followed by Jane and Tyler.] QUECKETT.I can't help it! I am in the hands of fate. Arrange the table. I cannot help it! [Tyler and Jane proceed to arrange the table and the seats for supper. Peggy enters quietly.] PEGGY.It is supper time. Oh, what's the matter, Uncle Vere? QUECKETT.Well, in the first place, there are no oysters. PEGGY.I've seen them! QUECKETT.I've gone further—I've tasted them. PEGGY.Bad! QUECKETT.Well, I should describe them as Inland oysters. A long time since they had a fortnight at the seaside. PEGGY.Oh, dear! Then we must fall back on the lark pudding. QUECKETT.You'll injure yourself seriously if you do. PEGGY.Tell me everything. It has not come small? QUECKETT.It has come ridiculously small. PEGGY.It was ordered for eight persons. QUECKETT.Then it is architecturally disproportionate. PEGGY.[To herself.] Something must be done. [She runs to the writing-table and begins to write rapidly on three half sheets of paper, folding each into a three-cornered note as she finishes it.] The girls must be warned. [ Writing.] "For goodness' sake, don't taste the pudding." Poor girls—what an end to a happy day! [To himself.] Oh, if the members of my family could see me at this moment! I, whose suppers in the Albany were at one time a proverb! Oh, Caroline, Caroline, even you little know the sacrifice I have made for you! PEGGY.[To Queckett, handing him the notes.] Quick, please, quick—give them these notes. QUECKETT.[Taking the notes.] What for? PEGGY.Oh, don't ask; you will see the result. QUECKETT.But you mustn't write to people you—! PEGGY.[Angrily.] Go away! [He hurries out. Peggy wipes her eyes. ] JANE.Oh, don't be upset, Miss! PEGGY.No, I won't, I won't. But I am only a girl, and the responsibility is very great for such young shoulders. [There is a murmur of voices outside. Jane and Tyler go out as Rankling enters with Ermyntrude, followed by Reggie with Dinah. Reginald is endeavouring to keep her away from Mallory, who comes after them. Saunders and Gwendoline follow next, and Queckett brings up the rear. There is much talking as Queckett indicates the seats they are to occupy.] PEGGY.[Quietly to Queckett.] Did you give the girls the notes? QUECKETT.[Surprised. ] No. PEGGY.Oh! Never mind—I'll whisper to them now. [She whispers hurriedly to Dinah, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude.] QUECKETT.[To himself.] didn't understand they were for the girls. [He goes to the head of the table as Rankling, Mallory, and Saunders come suddenly together, each carrying a note.] RANKLING.[To Mallory.] Mallory, we were right—there is some horrible mystery about Queckett. [Looking to see they are not observed.] I've had an anonymous warning. "For heaven's sake, don't touch the pud—pudding." MALLORY.I know. RANKLING.Tell the boy. [To Saunders.] MALLORY.I say—don't you say yes to Saunders. MALLORY.I know. Tell the old gentleman. [To Saunders.] He knows. [To Rankling.] He knows. [ With a simultaneous gesture they pocket the notes and go to find their seats at table. They all sit. The lobster salad and the pÂtÉ have been placed by Tyler at the end of the table. Tyler now enters carrying nine large plates which he places before Queckett.] QUECKETT.[ With assumed composure and good spirits. ] There is a spontaneity about our jolly little supper which will perhaps, ah'm! atone for any absence of elaboration. RANKLING.Don't name it, Mr. Queckett. MALLORY.Just as it should be, my dear fellow. [Tyler goes out.] QUECKETT.The language of the heart is simplicity. Our little supper is from the heart. MALLORY.Ah, I shall never forget your little suppers in the Albany—where were they from? QUECKETT.Gunters', Jack. [With a groan.] Oh! [ Jane, at the door, hands to Tyler a very small pudding in a silver basin, which he places before Queckett.] RANKLING, MALLORY, AND SAUNDERS.[To themselves.] The pudding! [They exhibit great eagerness to get a view of the pudding. ] PEGGY.[Behind Mallory's bach.] Oh, how shameful it looks! QUECKETT.[Falteringly.] Here is a homely little dish which has fascinations for many, though I never touch it myself—I never touch it myself. [Rankling, Mallory and Saunders exchange significant looks.] Ah'm! A pudding made of larks. [He glances round, all look down, there is deep silence.] A pudding—made—of larks. [To Dinah.] My dear—a very little? DINAH.No, thank you, Uncle. QUECKETT.Perhaps you're right. Gwendoline, a suggestion? GWENDOLINE.No, thank you, Uncle. QUECKETT.[To Peggy.] Margaret, I know what your digestion is—I won't tempt you. [To Ermyntrude.] Ermyntrude—the least in the world? ERMYNTRUDE.No, thank you, Uncle. QUECKETT.[To himself.] Ah! How lucky! PEGGY.[To herself!] Brave girls; I was afraid they'd falter. QUECKETT.[Heartily.'] Now then—Admiral Rankling? RANKLING.No, thank you. No pudding? I haven't long dined, thank you, Queckett. QUECKETT.[ To Reginald—coldly.] May I? REGINALD.[Distantly.'] I never eat suppers, thank you. QUECKETT.[To Saunders.] My dear Mr. Saunders? SAUNDERS.No, Mr. Queckett, thank you. QUECKETT.[Getting desperate—to Mallory.] Jack—a lark? MALLORY.No, thanks, old fellow. QUECKETT.Well, I—[Throwing down his knife and spoon, and leaning back in his chair. To Tyler.] Take it away! [Tyler removes the pudding; they all watch its going.] TYLER.[Handing it to Jane.] Keep it warm, Jane. JACK.A lobster salad and a small pÂtÉ de foie gras are at your end of the table. MALLORY.[Looking round.'] May I? [There is a general reply of "No, thank you," expressed in symbols by the ladies.] PEGGY.[ To herself ] Poor girls, what sacrifices they make for these men! MALLORY.[ With a plate in his hand.] May I—? RANKLING, SAUNDERS, AND REGINALD.[Together.] No, thank you. QUECKETT.[To himself] What a supper party! Tyler, the champagne. [Tyler fetches a bottle of champagne, and proceeds to open it.] RANKLING.[Behind Ermyntrude and Peggy, to Mallory.] If we see the cork drawn, shall we risk it? MALLORY.[To Rankling.] Risk it. RANKLING.Risk it. [Reginald has risen from the table and is seen tapping Saunders upon the shoulder and speaking to him rapidly and excitedly.] SAUNDERS.No, I have not! [Talking together, Reginald and Saunders go out hurriedly.] MALLORY.What's the matter with that charming young fellow now? [To the table.] Excuse me. [He follows them out.] DINAH.[Tearfully to Gwendoline.] Reginald's jealousy gets worse and worse. I am sure it will cloud our future. GWENDOLINE.[To Dinah.] Mr. Saunders wasn't looking at you, I am positive. The poor little fellow was stroking my hand. [Mallory returns with Saunders and Reginald, who both look excited, and their hair is disarranged.] REGINALD.[To Mallory and Saunders.] I beg your pardon; I may have been mistaken. I imagined that Mr. Saunders was regarding my wife in a way which overstepped the borders of ordinary admiration. [They hastily shake hands all around and hurry back to their seats. Tyler has poured out the champagne, and now departs. Admiral Rankling rises. Queckett taps the table for silence.] QUECKETT.Please—please. RANKLING.Ah'm! MALLORY.[To himself.] I thought the old gentleman wouldn't resist the temptation. RANKLING.My dear Mr. Queckett, it would ill become an old man—himself the father of a daughter, nearly, if not quite, of the age of the young lady opposite me—to lose an opportunity of saying a few words on the pleasant, the—the extremely pleasant—condition of the British Naval Forces—ah'm! no— MALLORY.[To himself.] I knew that would happen. RANKLING.Pardon me, I have been speaking on other subjects to-night. I should say, the extremely pleasant occasion which brings us together. QUECKETT.Certainly, my dear Rankling, how nice of you! RANKLING.Not only am I the commander—the father—of a ship—of a daughter whom it is my ambition to see happily wedded to the man of her choice— PEGGY.Hear, hear! QUECKETT.[In an undertone, glaring at her.] You vexing girl. RANKLING.But I am also the husband of a heavily plated cruiser—er—um—h'm! of a dear lady to whose affection and society I owe the greatest happiness of my life. PEGGY.[To herself.] How different some gentlemen are when their wives are not present. RANKLING.If I have the regret of knowing that my acquaintance with Mrs.—Mrs.— PEGGY.Parkinson. RANKLING.Thank you, I know—Parkinson—has begun only to-night, I have also the pleasure of inaugurating a friendship with that delightful young lady, which on my side shall be little less than paternal. I—I—I— MALLORY.Oh, gracious! RANKLING.I—I cannot sit down— MALLORY.[ Wearily.] Why not! RANKLING.I will not sit down without adding a word of congratulation to Mr.—Mr. — PEGGY.Parkinson. RANKLING.Thank you, I know—Parkinson—the young gentleman whose ingenious construction and seagoing qualities— MALLORY.No—no. RANKLING.Er—um—whose amiability and genial demeanour have so favourably impressed us. As an old married man I welcome this recruit to the service. PEGGY.Hear, hear. RANKLING.It is one of hardship and danger—of stiff breezes and dismal night watches. But it is because Englishmen never know when they are beaten— MALLORY.No, no. RANKLING.Yes, sir—it is because Englishmen never know when they are beaten that they occasionally find conjugal happiness. I ask you all to drink to the Navy—to Mr. and Mrs.—thank you, I know—Jenkinson. [All except Dinah and Reginald rise and drink the toast "Mr. and Mrs. Parkinson," then as they resume their seats, Reginald rises sulkily.] REGINALD.Admiral Rankling. [Jane appears at the door, wildly beckoning to Queckett.] JANE.[In a whisper.] Sir—Sir—! QUECKETT.[Angrily.] Not now—not now—go away. THE GIRLS.Hush! [The Girls motion Jane away; she retires.] QUECKETT.[To Reginald.] I beg pardon. REGINALD.All I have to say is that the highest estimation Admiral Rankling can form of me will not do justice to my devotion to my wife. PEGGY.[Sotto voce.] Oh, beautiful! REGINALD.[Fiercely.] And I should like to know the individual, old or young, who would take my wife from me! MALLORY.[To himself ] Many a husband would like to know that person. REGINALD.In conclusion—as for Admiral Rankling's offer of a paternal friendship, I trust he will remember that offer if ever we should have occasion to remind him of it. [Looking at his watch.] And now I regret to say—[ The girls rise, the men follow. ] PEGGY.No, no—not before we have danced one quadrille. GWENDOLINE AND ERMYNTRUDE.Oh, yes—oh, yes! A quadrille! PEGGY.Uncle Vere will play for us. QUECKETT.No, Uncle Vere will not! MALLORY.Oh, yes, you will, Queckett, old fellow, eh? QUECKETT.Well—I—with pleasure, Jack. [To himself!] How dare they! PEGGY.Clear the floor! [Saunders and Mallory, assisted by Ermyntrude and Gwendoline, put back the table and chairs.] RANKLING.[Getting very good humoured.] Upon my soul, I never saw such girls in my life! I wonder whether my Dinah is anything like 'em! [Dinah and Reginald are having a violent altercation.] DINAH.A wife shouldn't dance with her husband—it is horrible form! REGINALD.I can't see you led out by a stranger. DINAH.It is merely a quadrille. REGINALD.Merely a quadrille! Woman, do you think I am marble? DINAH.[Distractedly, turning to Rankling.] Admiral Rankling, are you going to dance? RANKLING.[Gallantly.] If you do me the honour, my dear Madam. [She takes his arm.] REGINALD.[Madly, to Dinah.] Ah, flirt! QUECKETT.[To Peggy.] Get rid of them soon, or I shall become a gibbering idiot! MALLORY.[Slapping Queckett on the back.] Now, then, Queckett. [Queckett goes to the piano. To Peggy.] Will you make me happy, dear Miss Peggy? PEGGY.Thank you, Mr. Mallory, I never dance. [Taking his arm.] But I don't mind this once. Uncle! QUECKETT.[To himself.] I wash my hands of the entire party! [He plays the first figure of a quadrille, while they dance—Rankling and Dinah, Saunders and Gwendoline, Mallory and Peggy, Ermyntrude and Reginald. They dance with brightness and animation, but whenever Reginald encounters Dinah there is a violent altercation. As the figure ends Jane enters again, and runs to Queckett at the piano. ] QUECKETT.What is it? JANE.Oh, sir, do come down-stairs—as far down as you can get. QUECKETT.What do you mean? JANE.That boy, Tyler, sir! QUECKETT.Tyler—well? JANE.He went off bang in the kitchen, sir, about ten minutes ago. Them fireworks! QUECKETT.Fireworks! Where is he? JANE.Gone for the engines, sir. QUECKETT.[Rising.] The engines! ERMYNTRUDE.Uncle! GWENDOLINE.Uncle Vere! PEGGY.Now then, Uncle! QUECKETT.Excuse me—let somebody take my place at the piano. I—I'll be back in a moment! [Jane hurries out, he following her.] PEGGY.[Running to the piano and commencing a waltz.'] A waltz! Change partners! [Rankling dances with Ermyntrude, Saunders with Gwendoline. Reginald is left out, but is wildly following Dinah, who is dancing with Mallory.] RANKLING.[Puffing.] Not so fast, Miss Griffin—not so fast. REGINALD.[Dinah's ear.] I shall require some explanation, Madam. DINAH.Oh, Reginald! [There is the sound of a prolonged knocking at the street door, followed by a bell ringing violently.] PEGGY.[Playing.] Somebody wants to come in, evidently. [Suddenly the music and the dancing stop and everybody listens; then they all run to the windows and look out.] RANKLING.What's that? MALLORY.What's wrong? SAUNDERS.Oh, look there! PEGGY.Oh, there's such a crowd at our house! [Queckett re-enters with Jane, who sinks into a chair. Queckett looks very pale and frightened.] QUECKETT.Listen to me, please. ALL.What's the matter? QUECKETT.Don't be alarmed. Look at me. Imitate my self-possession. ALL.What is the matter? QUECKETT.The matter? The weather is so unfavourable that the boy Tyler has been compelled to display fireworks on the premises. THE GIRLS. THE MEN.Oh! What has happened? QUECKETT.Pray don't be disturbed. There is not the slightest occasion for alarm. We have now the choice of one alternative. RANKLING AND MALLORY.What's that? QUECKETT.To get out without unnecessary delay. THE GIRLS.[Clustering together.] Oh! RANKLING.[Assuming the tone of a commander.] Mr. Mallory! Mr. Saunders! MALLORY.Yes, sir. SAUNDERS.Yes, sir. [Mallory and Saunders place themselves beside Rankling.] RANKLING.Ladies, fetch your cloaks and wraps preparatory to breaking up our pleasant little party. Who volunteers to assist the ladies? MALLORY.I, sir! SAUNDERS.I, sir! REGINALD.I do! QUECKETT.I do! RANKLING.Mr. Mallory, tell off Mr. Queckett and Mr. Jenkinson to help the ladies. [The girls run out, followed by Reginald, Queckett, and Jane.] RANKLING.Mr. Mallory! Mr. Saunders! MALLORY AND SAUNDERS.Yes, sir. RANKLING.Our respective coats. [They bustle about to get their coats as the door quietly opens and Jaffray, a fireman, appears.] JAFFRAY.Good evening, gentlemen. Can you tell me where I'll find the ladies? MALLORY.They're putting on their hats and cloaks. JAFFRAY.Thank you, gentlemen, I'm much obliged to you. [He goes to the window, pulls up the blind, and throws the window open, the top of a ladder is seen against the balcony.] Are you coming up, Mr. Goff? GOFF.[Out of sight.] Yes, Mr. Jaffray. [Goff, a middle-aged, jolly-looking fireman, enters by the balcony and the window. ] JAFFRAY.Gentlemen, Mr. Goff—one of the oldest and most respected members of the Brigade. Mr. Goff tells some most interesting stories, gentlemen. RANKLING.[Impatiently.] Stories, sir! Call the ladies, Mr. Mallory. [Mallory goes out.] GOFF.I shouldn't hurry them, sir—ladies like to take their time. Now I remember an instance in October, '78— RANKLING.Confound it, sir, you're not going to relate anecdotes now! JAFFRAY.I beg your pardon, sir, Mr. Goff is one of the most experienced and entertaining members of the Brigade. RANKLING.I tell you I don't care about that just now! Where are the ladies? [Saunders goes out.] JAFFRAY.Excuse me sir, Mr. Goff's reminiscences are well worth hearing while you wait. RANKLING.But I don't wish to wait! [Mallory and Peggy, Saunders and Gwendoline, Reginald and Dinah, followed by Jane, enter. The girls are hastily attired in all sorts of odd apparel and carrying bonnet-boxes, parcels, and small hand-bags. Ermyntrude carries, amongst other things, a cage of white mice, Gwendoline a bird in a cage, and Dinah a black cat, and Peggy a pair of skates and a brush and comb.] THE GIRLS.We're ready. Take us away! JAFFRAY.I must really ask you, ladies and gentlemen, to take it quietly for a few minutes. ALL.Take it quietly! What for? JAFFRAY.The staircase isn't just the thing for ladies and gentlemen at the present moment. I shall have to ask the ladies and gentlemen to use the Escape. ALL.[Turning to the window.] The Escape! is it? Where? JAFFRAY.It'll be here in two minutes. In the meantime, I think Mr. Goff could wile away the time very pleasantly with a reminiscence or two. Ladies, Mr. Goff— THE GIRLS.Oh, take us away! Take us away! [Mallory, Saunders, and Reginald soothe the ladies, Jaffray goes to the window and looks out.] GOFF.[Pleasantly seating himself and taking off his helmet.] Well, ladies, I don't know that I can tell you much to amuse you—however— RANKLING.Be quiet, sir—we will not be entertained! JAFFRAY.[Carrying a hose from the window to the door. ] Really, gentlemen, I must say I've never heard Mr. Goff treated so hasty at any conflagration. [He carries the hose out.] RANKLING.A fireman full of anecdote! I decline to appreciate any reminiscence whatever. So do we all! REGINALD.Certainly! MALLORY.All of us! GOFF.It was in July, '79, ladies—my wife had just brought my tea to the Chandos Street Station—[Jaffray re-enters and goes to the window.] MALLORY.Will you be silent, sir? REGINALD.Get up and do something! SAUNDERS.Go away! JAFFRAY.The Escape, ladies and gentlemen—that window—one at a time. [There is a general movement and hubbub. Goff rises, he and Jaffray disappear by the window on the left. Mallory throws open the other window, and Jaffray appears outside and receives Dinah, Gwendoline, Ermyntrude, Peggy, and Jane as they escape.] RANKLING.Mr. Mallory—Mr. Saunders—good evening! [Reginald disappears by the right-hand window. Saunders goes after him, Mallory is about to follow when Queckett enters hurriedly. Queckett is in a tall hat, a short covert coat, and carries gloves and an umbrella. He is flourishing a letter.] QUECKETT.[Pulling Mallory back.] Jack—Jack! MALLORY.Hallo! QUECKETT.I'm going back to save some valuables. Directly you get down post that letter. Oh, Jack, it's so important. MALLORY.[Looking at the letter.] To the Eagle Fire Insurance Company. QUECKETT.Quite so—slipped my memory. [Mallory disappears. Jaffray follows him. ] RANKLING.[Hurrying to Queckett.] My dear Queckett, it is the commander's duty to be the last to leave the ship—you are master here. Thank you for your hospitality. Good-night. QUECKETT.My dear Rankling, thank you for coming to see me. Good-night. [Jaffray appears at the window.] JAFFRAY.It's all right, gentlemen—there's a kind lady down below who is taking everybody into her house for the night—Mrs. Rankling of Portland Place. RANKLING.Mrs. Rankling—that's my wife! [Queckett disappears.] JAFFRAY.Is she, sir? Glad to hear it. Then they are all your visitors till to-morrow. RANKLING.Confound it, sir, where do I live? JAFFRAY.Just at the corner here, sir—a hundred yards off. RANKLING.Then where am I now? JAFFRAY.Miss Dyott's boarding school, sir—Volumnia College. RANKLING.What! [He and Jaffray go out by the window on the right as Goff enters by the window on the left.] GOFF.Where is he? [Calling at the door.]Sir, here's the lady of the house—rode up on an engine from Piccadilly—make haste—she says she will come up the ladder. [Queckett enters quickly, dragging after him several boxes of cigars. ] QUECKETT.A lady! What lady? [Miss Dyott appears at the window. She is in the gorgeous dress of an opera-bouffe Queen, with a flaxen wig much disarranged and a crown on one side. Recoiling. ] Caroline! MISS DYOTT.[Entering and taking him by the collar.] Come down! [She drags him towards the window.] END OF THE SECOND ACT.
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