If I were you, when ladies at the play, sir,
Beckon and nod, a melodrama through,
I would not turn abstractedly away, sir,
If I were you!

FRANK.

If I were you, when persons I affected,
Wait for three hours to take me down to Kew,
I would, at least, pretend I recollected,
If I were you!

NELLIE.

If I were you, when ladies are so lavish,
Sir, as to keep me every waltz but two,
I would not dance with odious Miss McTavish,
If I were you!

FRANK.

If I were you, who vow you cannot suffer
Whiff of the best—the mildest “honey-dew,”
I would not dance with smoke-consuming Puffer,
If I were you!

NELLIE.

If I were you, I would not, sir, be bitter,
Even to write the “Cynical Review”—

FRANK.

No, I should doubtless find flirtation fitter,
If I were you!

NELLIE.

Really! You would? Why, Frank, you’re quite delightful—
Hot as Othello, and as black of hue;
Borrow my fan. I would not look so frightful,
If I were you!

FRANK.

“It is the cause.” I mean your chaperon is
Bringing some well-curled juvenile. Adieu!
I shall retire. I’d spare that poor Adonis,
If I were you!

NELLIE.

Go, if you will. At once! And by express, sir!
Where shall it be? to China—or Peru?
Go. I should leave inquirers my address, sir,
If I were you!

FRANK.

No—I remain. To stay and fight a duel
Seems on the whole, the proper thing to do—,
Ah, you are strong—I would not then be cruel,
If I were you!

NELLIE.

One does not like one’s feelings to be doubted—

FRANK.

One does not like one’s friends to misconstrue—

NELLIE.

If I confess that I a wee-bit pouted?

FRANK.

I should admit that I was piqued, too.

NELLIE.

Ask me to dance! I’d say no more about it,
If I were you!

(Waltz—Exeunt.)