  The Colonel and the Cook Oh COLONEL I could love you, With faithful heart," said she; "But you are far too noble— Too grand a man for me, For you're Commander of the Horse, And hardly could be higher, While, I am only just a Cook, Around the kitchen fire." Said she "I could not marry you, For you are all so grand; I'd be a most unhappy wife— The saddest in the land." Said he, "I did not ask you; But when I'm far from you, And on the field of battle, I'll see what I can do." Said he, "I never thought of it, And only now, I see— Perhaps you are the woman, Would suit to wed with me, And that is just the cause of them— The words, I said to you— When on the field of battle, I'll see what I can do." illustration The town, was all in tumult Of women's wail alack! For many a gallant soldier, Would never more come back, And even he (the Colonel) Might fall—the first or last; And that's the chiefest reason, That Cook was weeping fast. And tho' it was not proper, To see the Colonel, look With visage of dejection, Upon a humble cook, Yet nature won't be cheated, Despite of high degree. "Adieu; I'll come back worthy, My love, to wed with thee." And that is how they parted, And those, the words he said: And oft, when she was cooking, It came into her head, The promise he had uttered, Of sweetest memory— "Adieu; I'll come back worthy, My love, to wed with thee." as This Peeves me now at Present She took a thought one morning, And bought a copy-book; Said she, I'll study pothooks, They're suited for a cook. I'll write his name, in roundhand, A letter, I will send, With the words "no more at present"— My pet name, at the end. She wrote his name, in roundhand, A letter, she did send, With "No more now at present," Her pet name, at the end. But it never, never reached him, And he did languish yet, For the Cook, at home in Erin He never could forget. But lo! a taste for learning, Is like a taste for drink, While working on the pothooks, She then began to think. And thought, is like a snowball, That gathers every turn; She studied read-'em-easys, While joints began to burn. She studied, night and morning, At languages, and paint, At poetry, and musty prose, And legends, old, and quaint. She wrote a three-vol. novel, And got a fancy price, Became a photo beauty; "Oh, this," quoth she, "is nice!" She then appeared in drama, While posing there, with grace Of gauze, and limelight glowing Upon her lovely face; A common soldier, shouted From the Olympian rail— "O 'evans!" its my 'Arriet, And turning deadly pale. illustration He darted for the stage door, Her carriage grand, was there, She was about to enter, With all the fuss, and flare, Of mashers buzzing round her; And plunging forth, said he— "I'm wot was once a Colonel, who went across the sea. "Of course you must remember, The words, I said to you— 'When on the field of battle, I'd see what I could do.' I never make a promise, But to my word, I stick. The man, who breaks his promise, Is but a broken brick." I'm wot was once a Colonel, And for your love, I strove, To be reduced, into the ranks, For sake of you, my love; I ran away in battle, I several times got drunk, Was challenged to a duel, and purposely took funk. They whittled my commission, into a major's rank, And still I acted badly, and several times I drank, I managed to get nibbled, down to a sergeant then I stole a pint of whiskey, was put amongst the men. illustration "I've been all over Europe, A lookin' out for you, I have eschewed my grammar, To prove my 'eart, was true; I've parted with my surname, That all might well combine, Which now, I'm Private Miggins, of the Seventy-seventh Line. "I've got a vulgar accent, And vulgar sayin's too. I drink, from common pewter. It's all along of you, And generally, my manners, Are much about the styles, You'll find amongst the manners, Of the people of St. Giles. "But here, I say, look, listen! You have not acted straight, But made us yet the victims, Of a lobsided fate; While I've been levellin' downwards, To suit with your degree, You've been, and gone, and levelled up, Contrarywise to me. "You had not ought to take me, So short as this, I say; You've worked a mean advantage, While I was far away. But still, we'll go to-morrow, And make our love complete." "Get out!" she cried, and vanished, In her brougham, down the street. illustration |
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