  A most remarkable case A most remarkable case 'T WAS an incident Matrimonial, the Probate Court the place,And 'twas for the co-respondent, a most remarkable case, For good was the leading counsel, and moral the words spake he, And fashionable ladies listened, to Writ MacFee, Q.C. He rose to his feet and setting his most magniloquent frown, He fingered his brief for a moment, a moment, and laid it down, Then out of his golden snuffbox, he powdered his pampered nose, And then with a pull back rustle of silk, to its wonted pose, He heliographed to the jury, a glitter of eyeful glee, And as he surveyed the respondent, most rep-re-hen-siv-lee, He mounted his golden pinc-nez, and on this wise spake he. "Me Lud, and O gents of the Jury, it's a most remarkable case! And I don't hesitate for a moment, my cause in your hands to place, For O," said the counsellor, purring, with subtle seductive leer, "I never beheld such a jury, in the length of my long career! I assure you it makes it easy for an advocate like to me, To open the most remarkable case ver. Tommins, L.R.C.P." Then marking his condemnation, with voice like a double bass D. "The co-respond' is a doctor, John Tommins, L.R.C.P., A leech of the muddiest water, a pill, that has given the sick, An emetic of truth, a plaister of pitch, with a warrant to stick, It's O when consumptive virtue, is treated by such, you see The ruin, like that enacted by Tommins, L.R.C.P. He was called to attend the Lady May Monica Pendigrew, From a fit of the blues he roused her, and prettily pulled her through, But managed her like a pilot, who getting a treacherous grip, Sails out into deeper water, to scuttle and sink the ship! O gents, by Æsthetical fraud, he played on the lady's mind, With Shakespeare collar and fur, a sunflower, and such kind, He called her too utterly too, and posed in a limpish style, And droned in a minorly key, of love, like a fretwork file. Me Lud, and O gentlemen, gents, the co-respond' may smile, Your sympathy thus to win, by means of trover of guile, But no! you will give him a check, whereby you will take your place, As the most remarkable twelve, of the most remarkable case!" Jury Box The raftered roof re-echoed, the shouts of Writ MacFee, While envious briefless Bees, admired his logic, and gist, Accentuate note, and pause, well marked by his thumping fist, He stood on the councillor's seat, with one of his feet—the left, And the stuffy compression of air, with whirling silk he cleft, And this, was his winding up, "O Father, Brother, and Son, Oh this is a case, concerning each individual one, And confident of your verdict, now into your hands I place, O gentlemen, gents of the Jury, this most remarkable case!" With quiver of deep emotion, one hypnothetical glance, He photophoned to the jury, at Tommins he looked askance, Then daintily mopped his forehead, some virtuous beads of heat, He sopped in his red bandana, and then he resumed his seat. Then "Oh!" said the ladies in court, "Wasn't that lawyer a treat?" Concussion of parasols, sticks, hands, and stamping feet, Till the usher expostulated, aloud in a startling shout, "Silence!!!" And his Ludship sternly threatened, to bundle the audience out, illustration Poor Tommins had then to listen to evidence from the box, And now, and again, it dealt him, a stagger of nasty knocks; Acquaintances there subpoenad, identification swore, And others, who sneaked the keyhole, of sitting apartment door. What mattered the osculation, with which he smacked the book, A fig for his indignation, a jot for his injured look, The jury, and judge, decided the damage, and costs, to be Three thousand pounds, to the client of Writ MacFee, Q.C. EXTRA SPECIAL MOST REMAKABLE CASE VERDICT T HE tweezers of time, had sparsed his hair, when Tommins, L.R.C.P.Was mooning around, to a neighbouring square, to join in an evening tea, When a tremulous maiden, checked his steps, and cried him, "O Mister Man, Me mother's afeered, that the two pair back, is goin' to kick the can! O Mister Medical Sir, he's sick, an' owin' a quarter's rent, An' that's the most, of the cause for why, of the hurry, that I was sent, O Mister Medical Man, Sir please, O please Sir folly me quick, You might be able to worry him thro' from the fit of the stiffnin' sick! Oh! come Sir, please Sir, do Sir come, O hurry an' come with me quick!" From sympathetic professional heart, for indigent sick alway, illustration He gave a positive kind response, to the girl, who thus did pray, And on thro' court, and alley, and lane, he followed her devious track, Then mounting a rickety deal wood stair, he entered a two pair back, And there, in the glim of a halfpenny dipt, he gazed on a ghastly man, And he counted his pulse, said the girl "Do you think he's likely to kick the can?" The sick man rose to an elbow prop, at Tommins, to blink and stare! He seemed an anatomy, made for show, of eyes, and nose, and hair, He peered awhile thro' the starving glim, and then, with a moan cried he, "O God, have you come to haunt me here, John Tommins, L.R.C.P.? O is it with pills, or senna and salts, your 'shake up the bottle' and mess Of slops, to avenge for the deed I've done? have mercy and I'll confess! O pester me not to swallow your stuff, I will not allow you to bleed! O spare me Tommins, I'm guilty, guilt, is what I'm about to plead!" The doctor shrank with a searching gaze, that clung to the startled ghost, In doubt awhile, for the rounded lines of his manhood's prime were lost, Till memory striking the evil past, the doctor's eye did trace, With a shock to his heart, the Writ MacFee of the most remarkable case! His memory jarred on the Probate Court, with all its sorrowful shame, Disastrous check, to his early hopes, of honor, and medical fame, And with a potion of pity, and hate, he knew the furrowy face Of the grim, of the Writ MacFee, Q.C., of the most remarkable case. The bloom of his pampered nose was gone, 'twas shrivelled, and pinched, and shrunk! His adipose peach of cheek, was fled, 'twas lean, and withered, and sunk, A derelict there; by the prosperous port of wealth, and power, and place, He lay the identical Writ MacFee, of the most remarkable case! illustration "O spare me doctor! for I'll confess,—I should have been in your place. As the treacherous co-respondent, of the most remarkable case, T'was I, was the homestead wrecker, but never as Writ MacFee, I played me, a knave's deception, as Tommins, L.R.C.P.! I bought from a needy super, the beard, moustaches, and wig, I managed to coach my tailor, to model me in your rig, And thus I received a welcome, to lunch, and dinner, and tea, As Tommins the medical doctor, but never as Writ MacFee. O Doctor Tommins have mercy! I beg to legacy thee, With thirty tickets of pawn to name, of Writ MacFee, Q.C. In a brief bag under the bed, tied up in a worn-out wig, You will find a memento there, of mock Æsthetical rig, The spats and the collar and vest, I wore when I went to see, The Lady Monica Pendigrew, as Tommins, L.R.C.P. O Doctor Tommins forgive! the cost and the foul disgrace, Of debt, for the illsome guilt, of the most remarkable case, O Doctor Tommins have grace!" he rose with a greedy stare, And gripped with his reedy fists, the mat of his weedy hair! Then moaning a hungry sigh, for life, with a choking breath, He fell with accusing cry, "O Tommins you've brought me death! But I won't have a pauper's coffin! so give me a decent show— Whew!—eh—what's this? O thunder thun—un—der and lightning———Oh! Ah!—mercy me Lud! O mercy! thun—un—der an' light—ning———Oh!! It's a sine die, the morrow for me, Ah! mercy me Lud, Oh!———Oh!" The girl ran out of the two pair back, and down the stairs she ran, With shouts, as she took three steps at a time, "The lodger has kicked the can! Mother, O mother, we've lost the rent, the lodger has kicked the can! It's just what you said of the two pair back, he's gone an he's kicked the can!" decoration |
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