  A Kleptomaniacs doom T HE Lord of Masherdudom wore on his essencÈd curlsA golden zone of strawberry leaves, and rays with pips of pearls, Tho' he was called an Englishman his blood was Prussian blue, Which unto his complexion gave a gallimaufry hue, The Earl of Masherdudom, he was just as he began, He seemed in perpetuity, a fossil ladies' man, And yet he wasn't what you'd call an absolute success, He hankered to be more, than most; he wasn't, he was less, For he was poisoned with the grip of miser hungered greed, And racking rent upon the screw, he made his tenants bleed. He loved his Parson; for he taught that gold was dross, and scutch, To men who of the sinful chink, had not got overmuch; He taught by unctions homily, how really false, the leaven Of gold is to a tenant here, compared with gold in Heaven; But man with base ingratitude is rife, they did not bless The Earl of Masherdudom, so he wasn't a success. One day 'twas ruminating thus, alone, and in his club, "My politics do fail" he said "to fail, aye there's the rub, I was a high conservative; I am, what am I now? An India rubber ball of wind, a pinhole in my brow, Evaporated of my brain, a shrunken rag, and dust, A something must be done I wot, I wis a something must;" He took a portly bottle up, and from its tinselled neck, He poured the buzzing nectar forth, and without pause or reck, Into his Æsophagus then decanting it straightway He lit a weed,—he was a man who never smoked a clay,— illustration "Oddsbodkins to that liberal!"—He swore in antient guise Of quaintly oath—"He's more than I, I wot, for he is wise Unto the leading, and the light That gives to men a glim Of what they know is just, I'm but A farthing dip to him," Twas thro' his indignation he did make a vulgar slip And coined so rude a simile,—in re the farthing dip; "I find my brains have broken loose, my occiputs to let, But ha! I've got a last resource, that none may wot of yet, I'll take my diamond ring to-night, and use it round his panes, And in a mask I'll burgle him, and steal his liberal brains!" He quaffed the glorious fizz again, a swill both deep and strong Nor witted he, nor wotted he, it was a lawless wrong To steal another's brains. He then invested in some crape, And putty, thus to make his nose more liberal of shape; He turned his coat, its lining was of party colored trim, And got a life preserver "now I'll go and burgle him!" illustration That night He sneaked the toepath o'er, With serpentine device, And round a postal pillar red, He scouted slyly twice, Until on india rubber soles, At length he reached the goal, And up the garden wall He clomb, And down the wall he stole! Then knotting on his mask of crape, with spry ambition fain, He slid, and worked his diamond ring around the window pane, He crept into the servant's hall, no maid, or cook was there; He took his boots, and gaiters off, and climbed along the stair; He sought to catch the banister, to guide his pilot fist; But headlong down the flight he fell, the banister he missed! And lo! from every room above, the shrieks of horror rose, From girls in papered tresses, bereft of daylight clothes, And full for twenty minutes by the clock, their cries increase, Of "ho! Police" and "robbers hi!" and "murder ho Police!" The butler fired a pistol shot, the cook discharged a spit! The boots let fly a bootjack, and the footman all his kit! The groom ran down the stable stairs with horsey oathings dire, And a constable came knocking said he "are you's on fire?" He put his bull's eye on him "Ha! well here's a putty case! You needn't hide, behind that putty nose upon your face; I'm on the 'wanted' tack for you a couple of months or three, So don't you be disorderly, move on, and come with me," They put him on his country, and the evidence was queer, But said his Lordship solemnly, "The crime that we have here, Is rare in English jurisprud', a noble drinks, and goes With mask of crape upon his eyes, and putty on his nose, To burgle certain premises, but drink being in his head, Mistook the house, attacked his own, and burgled it instead! Now this is queer; but I have here, a very antient law, And from its context, you will mark, I this deduction draw, That should a man by suicide, attempt to sneak away, From curses that grow thick on him, we make the coward stay, And if a man by putty nose, and mask, and diamond ring, Do burgle his own home, It's just a similar sort of thing, And so unto the upper house, for thy remaining years, I sentence thee!" and with his wig, the judge mopped up his tears. illustration |
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