  INTRODUCTION.You will pardon the Editor that he does not put Things better in Order; but he is so engaged in reading the Letters sent him in from the two Universities, after the Publication of the First Part, that he believes the Preface is in the Middle of the Book; but I dare swear you’ll find it somewhere or other, and so readon. In Trinity-College Bogs.Ye Cantabs mind when ye are sh--t--ng, How nearly ’tis allied to Writing. ——To Writing, say you? ——pray how so? An uncouth Simile, I trow. ——Hold, pray —— Condemn it not untry’d; Hear only how it is apply’d. As learned Johnian wracks his Brain—— Thinks, ——hems, ——looks wise, ——then thinks again;—— When all this Preparation’s done, The mighty Product is —— a Pun. So some with direful strange Grimaces, Within this Dome distort their Faces; Strain, ——squeeze, ——yet loth for to depart, Again they strain—for what? a Fart. Hence Cantabs take this moral Trite, ’Gainst Nature, if ye think or sh--te; Use all the Labour, all the Art, ’Twill ne’er exceed a Pun, or Fart. Red-Lion, Egham.Coquets will always merry prove; But Prudes are those give down their love; And love and move, and move to love. Underwritten.A Prude for my Money, by G--d. Written on the Looking-Glass of Mr. Tpn, Fellow-Commoner of Trinity-College, Cambridge.Imago in Speculo loquitur ad Tpn.I. Thou pretty little fluttering Thing, That mak’st this gaudy Shew; Thou senseless Mimick of a Man, Thou Being, call’d a Beau. II. Like me thou art an empty Form, Like me alone, thou’rt made; Like me delusive seem’st a Man, But only art a Shade. Tuns in Cambridge, Window facing a certain Alderman’s in the Market.Is Molly Fr—— immortal? ——No. She is; and I will prove her so. She’s fifteen now, and was, I know, Fifteen, full fifteen Years ago. Underwritten.The Fates from Heaven late came Post; And thus address’d this Cambridge Toast. Say happy Maid that can detain Old hoary Time in fetter’d Chain, What wouldst thou have to set him free, And give thy captive Liberty? Miss Molly call’d Mamma aside, —— Whisper’d awhile, then thus reply’d; Upon my Life, all I would have From Victor is to be a Slave; I’ll soon untie this Captive’s Hands; —— Tie me but fast in Hymen’s Bands. On the Same on another Pane.At Home Miss Molly’s scarce fifteen. Mamma says she’s no more; But if the Parish-Book says true, Miss Molly’s thirty four. Poor Miss Molly! Wrote on Cor———— Cr————d’s (a Printer and Bookseller in Cambridge) Window in the Shop.Ye longing Sophs, say it who can, That Corny’s not a learned Man. He knows well each Edition, Sir, Of Aldus, and of Elzevir; Of Beza he profoundly reasons, And talks jocose of Harry Stephens. Though (says a Wag) all this I grant, Yet Corny sure must Learning want. How so? ——It’s plain, (if that we may B’lieve what Men of themselves do say,) For Corny’s openly* confess’d. He’s but a Blockhead at the best. * Corny, in Printing a Latin Book, censur’d by the University, was forced to plead Ignoramus to save his Bacon. Another in the Shop, on C——’s Title PageLearning.Within this learn’d Receptacle of Arts, Corny, if ask’d, on each can shew his Parts; Alike a Newton, or a Ratcliffe prove; A Coke in Law——an Etheridge in Love.— Reason profound——in Hist’ry state each Fact, Teach† London how to think, or Walpole how to act. O say from whence should all this Learning come.—— From whence?——from each dead Sage around the Room. If Corny thence his Fund of Learning draws, How great his Skill in Politicks or Laws? —— How deeply read? —— how vast his learned Store? —— —— When —— past the Title, all his Learning’s o’er. † Bishop. Another in the Same.Is Corny’s Learning much; my Friends; Since where it does begin, —— it ends? From a Window in Ardenham-House, Hertfordshire.As glass obdurate no Impression takes, But what the radiant piercing Diamond makes; Just so my Heart all other Pow’rs defies, But those of fair Venilla’s brilliant Eyes. Written in a Lady’s Dressing Room.Brunetta, I grant you, can give her Swain Death; But ’tis not with her Eyes, but with her--ill Breath. From a Window in the Inner Temple-Hall.Come hither, Barristers of Dress, That once your Lips may meet Success: From Rufus’ filthy Hall withdraw; Here only ye can live by Law. A Rebus on Lady of Quality, on a Glass at the Old Devil Tavern.What fly from her Eyes, and the Place whither I Must soon be convey’d to, unless she comply, Is the Name of the Beauty for whom I could die. N. B. Darts and Shafts fly from her Eyes, and if one dies, one must be bury’d. Under the Rebus on Lady Sh---bury, at the Devil Tavern, is this;What opens a Door, and a Word of Offence, Tell the Name of a Nymph of Wit, Beauty, and Sense. From the Window of a Chamber in the Inner Temple.For dear Venilla in my Arms, I’d scorn all other female Charms; Ten thousand Beauties she can spare, And still be Fairest of the Fair. From innumerable Windows.Like Mars I’ll fight, like Antony I’ll love, I’ll drink like Bacchus, and I’ll whore like Jove. From the Apollo, the large Dancing-Room in the Devil Tavern, written when some were engaged in a particular Country-Dance.This Dance foretells that Couple’s Life, Who mean to dance as Man and Wife; As here, they’ll first with Vigour set, Give Hands, and turn whene’er they meet; But soon will quit their former Track, Cast off and end in Back to Back. From the Angel Tavern, Temple-Bar.’Tis hard! ’tis wonderous hard! That the Life of a Man Should be but a Span, And that of a Woman a Yard! From a Watch-Maker’s Window, Fleet-Street.Here Time is bought and sold: ’Tis plain, my Friend, My Clocks and Watches shew what I intend; For you I Time correct, My Time I spend; By Time I live, But not one Inch will lend, Except you pay the ready down or send: I trust no Time, Unless the Times do mend. On a Watch-Case in a Gentleman’s Pocket, given him by a Lady.The Wretched pray to make more Haste, The Happy say we fly too fast; Therefore impossible to know, Whether I go too fast or slow. At Hollyhead, I suppose, written by some Creation-Mender.Arra, now what signifies the making the two great Lights? The Sun to light the Day, and the Moons to light the Nights: For the Sun in the Day-Time there is no Occasion, Because I can see very well after my Persuasion: But for the Moons, they are very good in a dark Night, Because when we cannot see they give us a Light. Crown at Harlow.Rail at your Father, rail at your Mother, Rail at your Sister, rail at your Brother, Rail on, my Boys, and rail at one another. Underwritten.Rail as you say, and you’ll be all railed in. Written upon the Wall of Clements-Inn, when the Dial was put up which is supported by a black Slave in a kneeling Posture.In vain poor sable Son of Woe, Thou seek’st a tender Ear; In vain thy Tears with Anguish flow, For Mercy dwells not here: From Cannibals thou fly’st in vain, Lawyers less Quarter give; The first won’t eat you till you’re slain, The last will do’t alive. Hampstead on a Window.I am a Dog —— In true Fidelity I am a Sun —— In faithful Constancy: I am a Stote, —— To please a lustful Lass; I am a Hog, —— And you may kiss my A——se. But if my Celia comes within my Ken; Then I shall be again like other Men. On another at the same Place.My Wife says, Whither do you go? And I return, my dear, I do not know; Then d——n your Blood, says she, to use me thus; And then I call her catterwauling Puss. Hampton-Court, at the Mitre.A Ramp of very noted Name, I need not say, for all Men know her Fame, Lascivious, as the human Race could be, She could not see a Man, but fell in Extasy. On a dyer’s Sign at Southwark.I die to live, I live to die, And hope to live eternally. At the Star at Coventry.A poor Woman was ill in a dangerous Case, She lay in, and was just as some other Folks was: By the Lord, cries She then, if my Husband e’er come, Once again with his Will for to tickle my Bum, I’ll storm, and I’ll swear, and I’ll run staring wild; And yet the next Night, the Man got her with Child. By Desire not to insert the Place.What care I for Mistress May’ress; She’s little as the Queen of Fairies: Her little Body like my Thumb, Is thicker far than other some; Her Conscience yet would stretch so wide; Either on this, or t’other Side, That none could tell when they did ride. Underwritten.Swim for thy Life, dear Boy, for I can feel neither Bottom nor Sides. In Pencil upon a Wall in a Tavern near Covent-Garden.I become all Things to all Men, to gain some, or I must have starved. Star-Inn at Coventry.Molly the gay, the black, the friskey, Would kiss like any wanton Gipsey; Nor was her Mouth alone the Case, A Man of Worth might kiss her A——se. At a Tavern at the Royal Exchange.I’ve now a Coach and Six before me, Each female court’sies to adore me: But from my dearest I can’t part, Without returning her my Heart: Tell her I am gone a Month or longer, While she may gain more Love, and I grow stronger. From a Tavern in Fleet-Street.I’ll drink like Bacchus, and I’ll fight like Mars, The Kind I’ll love, the Cross may kiss my A--se. In the same Room in a Woman’s Hand.Since cruel Fate has robb’d me of the Youth, For whom my Heart had hoarded all its Truth, I’ll ne’er love more, dispairing e’er to find, Such Constancy and Truth amongst Mankind. Underwritten.I kiss’d her the next Night, and she’s one of the Walkers Family. Dublin in a Window in Castle-Street.O mortal Man that’s made of Clay, Is here to-Morrow, and is gone to Day. In a Bog-House at Hampstead.There’s Nothing foul that we commit, But what we write, and what we sh--t. Three-Pigeons at Brentford.Wer’t not for Whims, Candles, and Carrots Young Fellows Things might ride in Chariots. Underwritten.Heaven for all those Helps to Nature, Or else poor P—— could get no Quarter. Letter on a Window at Stony-Stratford, to Miss Mary Vdle.We shall B in better Q, When U have I, and I have U. From a Window in Hell, near Westminster-Hall.Old Orpheus tickled his Harp so well, That he tickled Eurydice out of Hell, With a Twing come Twang, and a Twing come Twang; but, Some say Euridice was a Scold Therefore the Devil of her took hold, With a Twing come Twang, &c. Underwritten.If my Wife had been e’er in the Devil’s Hands, You know it would loose all other Bands, And I should been pleased with House and Lands. PREFACE.From a Paper found in the Street at Twelve at Night, 1708. near Covent-Garden. Argument concerning a Greek Opera that was to have been set on Foot, when People liked to see and hear Operas first in Italian. As Languages are introduced among us Christian People daily that we do not understand, by Way of Italian Opera, &c. why may we not entertain the Publick with a little Greek, as natural as Pigs squeak.— And for Latin, ’tis no more dificile, Than for a Blackbird ’tis to whistle. I love dearly to quote my Authors. I have been with both the Play-Houses, and one says d——n it, it won’t do; and t’other says, Z——ds it will not take; then says I to myself, I’ll have a Greek Opera, by Gd; and with this Resolution I set about it, and made a Specimen, and Z——ds, thinks I, if I don’t understand their barbarous Language, must I let them have any Thing of my ancient Language? No, Messieurs! I’ll let my Opera remain in its Infancy, and you shall curse yourselves before you have it compleat; but that you shall know what Fools you have been, I’ll stick a Needle through my Nose, that you may look sharp; and then you will say, why did not US take it, for in the first Scene I saw all the Audience laugh. But to the Point, i.e. the second Preamble or Argument, OPERA.Scene is the City of Athens, and an old Woman lives in a hollow Tree, where she sells Gin and Gingerbread to the Grenadiers; her Name is Gammer Hocus. Then there comes a Goddess, who sells Butter and Eggs at Athens Market, upon her Uncle’s bald Mare; and as the Mare is a stumbling Jade, so she falls down before Hocus’s Tree, and hurts her Rump, and then we begin. N. B. When the Goddess Cinderaxan falls down before Gammer Hocus’s Door, or Tree, she begins in Ricitativo——Greek Fashion. O! mega mar, hocus the baldmare has cantedme ontoss; * PhillÀdram sukami, some Spirit offerme to suckon. Dear Hokey behasty, forbum sufferssore by a Thumpon’t; No baldmare my Gammon shall contuseagain by one moretoss. * Fill. English’d thus for the Benefit of the Ladies, though ’tis much the same in the Greek. O my Gammer Hocus, the bald Mare has canted me one Toss; Fill a Dram, sick am I, some Spirit offer me to suck on. Dear Hokey be hasty, for Bum suffers sore by a Thump on’t. No bald Mare my Gammon shall contuse again by one more Toss. Then out comes Gammer Hocus, when the Goddess had called for a Dram in the second Line, and sings with an Air, seeing her Goddessship as dirty as the Devil. Cinderaxan’s sablehew’d Aspect,—— Fulloffun, though the Doxey can seemcoy. And here we leave off. Is not the Devil in the People, that they will not encourage a good Thing, when they have it before them. Crown at Uxbridge, 1708.An Acrostick upon something or other.Commodious for a Haven made, Under a rising Bank, Nature has fix’d a Place of Trade, To Men of any Rank. Underwritten.Riddle my ree, &c. And read the four first Letters, and you’ll see.
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