I see frae ‘The News,’” said Erchie, “that Mary Ann’s no’ gaun to see her kizzen on her nicht oot the noo, but has the kitchen table cleared for action wi’ a penny bottle o’ Perth ink and a quire o’ paper to write letters to the editor, telling him and his readers that the country doesna ken her value.

“If ye’re in the habit o’ tryin’ to keep a general, ye canna be shair but at this very meenute she’s doon the stair, wi’ her sleeves rowed up and her fingers a’ Perth Blue Black, paintin’ your wife’s photograph as a slave-driver, and givin’ your hoose a character that would mak’ ye lose your nicht’s sleep if ye kent it. Faith, it’s comin’ to it!

“The servant problem is the only ane that’s railly o’ ony interest to the country, as far as I can mak’ oot frae hearin’ things when I’m either beadlin’, or waitin’ at waddin’-breakfasts. Twa women canna put their heads thegither ower a cup o’ tea withoot gaun ower a list o’ a’ the lassies they’ve had since last November; and the notion ye get is that they change frae place to place that often they must hae motor cairrages.

“Mary Ann sails in with her kist and a fine character frae her last place on Monday at 8 p.m., and aboot ten minutes efter that she’s on the road again. She is the greatest traveller o’ the age; it is estimated by them that kens aboot thae things, that the average domestic, if she keeps her health and gets ony chance at a’, gangs 15,000 miles every three years shifting her situation.

“It is the age of the lairge-built, agile, country girl; no ither kind can stand the strain o’ humpin’ kists up and doon area stairs. An aluminium kist that when packed weighs only fifteen pounds has been invented specially for the ‘strong and willing general, early riser, no washin’, fond o’ weans’; but in spite o’ that, she canna get ower mair nor 250 to 263 different situations in the year.

“The Hielan’s is the peculiar home o’ the maist successful domestic servants, though a very gude strain o’ them is said to come frae Ayrshire and roon’ aboot Slamannan.

“They are catched young, carefully clipped, curry-combed and shod, and shipped to Gleska at the beginnin’ o’ the winter, wi’ fine characters frae the U.F. minister. On the day they start their first situation they’re generals, that say ‘Whit is’t?’ quite angry, at the door to folk that come to their mistress’s efternoon teas; on the Wednesday they’re wanting their wages up; and on the Thursday they start in anither place as experienced hoose-and table-maids. At least, that’s whit I gaither frae overhearin’ the ladies: we have nae servant in oor hoose,—Jinnet does everything hersel’.

“When Mary Ann’s no’ packin’ her kist, or haein’ confabs wi’ the butcher, or trimmin’ a frock for the Clachnacudden natives’ swarree and ball, she’s lookin’ the papers to see the rate o’ servants’ wages in Kimberley, near whaur the wars were. Some day she’s gaun to Kimberley, or Australia, or ony ither foreign pairt, whaur intelligent cooks get the wages o’ Cabinet Ministers, and can get mairrit jist as easy’s onything.

“In the fine auld times servant lassies used to bide wi’ ye till they were that auld and frail ye had to have somebody sittin’ up wi’ them at nicht.

“Yince they got a fit in yer hoose ye couldna get quat o’ them: they fastened their kists to the floor wi’ big screw-nails, and wad scarcely go oot the length o’ the kirk for fear ye wad shut up the hoose and rin awa’ and leave them. As for the wages they got, they were that sma’, folks used to toss up a bawbee to see whether they wad keep a servant or a canary.

“But nooadays a man that’s in the habit o’ payin’ ony heed to the servant lassies that opens the door for him or hands him his letters, thinks it’s a magic-lantern show he’s at, wi’ a new picture every twa seconds.

“He doesna see his wife except on the Sundays, for a’ the ither days o’ the week she’s cyclin’ roond the registries wi’ five pounds o’ change in silver, payin’ fees.

“‘Hoose-tablemaid, ma’am? Certainly, ma’am; we’ll see whit we can dae for ye between noo and the next Gleska Exhibeetion,’ says the registry, rakin’ in the half-croons as hard’s she can.

“When there’ a rumour gets aboot Dowanhill that a servant lass, oot o’ a situation, was seen the week afore last, hundreds o’ ladies mak’ for the registries, and besiege them in the hope o’ catchin’ her; and of late, I’m tellt they’re engagin’ trained detectives for trackin’ plain cooks.

“Domestic service is the only profession in Europe the day whaur the supply’s less than the demand, and if I had twa or three boys ready to gang oot and work for themselves, I wad sooner mak’ them into scullery-maids than apprentice them wi’ an electrical engineer.

“In the last ten years wha ever heard o’ a servant lassie oot o’ a situation ony langer than the time she took to rin frae ae hoose to anither, if she had the richt number of hands and een?

“She disna need to gang ony where lookin’ for a place; the sleuth-hounds o’ Dowanhill track her to her lair as soon as she’s landed at the Broomielaw or Buchanan Street Station, and mak’ a grab at her afore she learns enough o’ the language to ask her wye to a registry.

“A new servant in a hoose is like a Field Marshal back frae the front,—she’s trated wi’ sae muckle deference. Ye daurna mak’ a noise through the day for fear it’ll spoil her sleep. Ye pit on the fire for her in the mornin’, and brush her golfin’ buits afore ye start for the office. Ye pay sixpence a day o’ car fares for her to go and see her kizzens in case she’s wearyin’, puir thing! And if ‘Rob Roy’s’ on at the theatre ye’ll be as weel to let her know and gie her tickets for it, or she’ll gie notice when she reads the creeticism in the paper and finds oot she missed it. Mair nor a dizzen societies have been started for giving medals and rewards to servant lassies that have been a lang lang while in the ae situation; they’re worked oh a graduated scale:—

“Hoosemaids, in one situation two months—Bronze medal of the Society and 30s. Generals, three months—Silver medal and fountain pen.

“Plain cook, six months—Gold medal, £5, and gramophone.

“Whit the country wants is the municeepilisation o’ domestic service. The better h’oosin’ o’ the poor’s a thing that there’s nae hurry for. Plain cooks and general servants that ken the difference between a cake o’ black lead and a scrubbing-brush are a communal needcessity; they can nae mair be done withoot than gas, water, skoosh cars, or the telephone.

“The Corporations should import and train Mary Anns in bulk, gie them a nate uniform and thirty shillin’s a week, and hire them oot ‘oorly, daily, weekly, or monthy, as required, reserving for them a’ the rights and privileges that belong to them, wi’ limitation o’ workin’ ‘oors, strick definition o’ duties, stipulated nichts oot, and faceelities for followers. Look at the polis. Ye can depend on gettin’ a polisman nine times oot o’ ten if ye want him; a lassie to gang oot wi’ the pramlater, or a hoose-tablemaid, should be jist as easy got by every ratepayer when wanted, and that’s only to be secured by the Corporations takin’ the domestic service into their ain haunds.”