ACT I
RUFINIUS The Emperor will be out presently. The banquet is just ending.
PISO [Reaching for one of the goblets] Very thought POLORUS [Somewhat sniffishly] Yes, my dear Doctor Piso, they are very tiresome. I'm glad I've been able to give them up. PISO [Waspishly] Give them up? I, Doctor Polorus, I never give them up! I pull them through. POLORUS [Rather floored; apologetically] I don't mean patients; I mean cases. PISO [Put into good humour by the success of his repartee] But I mean neither patients nor cases; I mean husbands. POLORUS [Amiably, trying to make peace] I suppose he was drunk, as usual. PISO Drunk? His very tears smelt like toddy. You could scarcely call him a husband in alcohol. He was an alcoholic extract of husband. POLORUS It's astounding how much they get down when such things are going on in the house. PISO Yes, and the tighter they get, the more they want to kiss the baby. And if you let them do it, then you have two cases of delirium tremens on your hands—father and child. And the mother raising hell.
POLORUS What do you think of—? [Nodding toward the banquet-room]
PISO What is your idea? POLORUS It looks simple. I say diabetes. PISO Why? POLORUS Well, for one thing, he's always so thirsty. Then, his legs are beginning to trouble him. Thirdly— PISO Nonsense! He was born with that thirst. As for his legs, they are simply overworked. The human leg was designed to carry a man, and nothing more. Add his clothes, his conscience, his artillery, and his jewelry, and then pile on a barrel of wine or so every day, and it begins to lose confidence in itself. POLORUS The Empress Paula tells me— PISO Yes, I know all about the patent medicines he's swallowed and the quacks he's had here. There was that Syrian, for instance. He prescribed water-drinking. POLORUS She says he couldn't keep it on his stomach. PISO No wonder! I daresay his stomach wondered what it was. POLORUS What do you think of proposing? PISO Nothing could be simpler. If this were an ordinary man, say you or that fat poinsettia over there, [indicating RUFINIUS] I'd simply put him to bed, give him a good big dose of castor oil, and then send in PISO [Uneasily] But surely you're not going to—? POLORUS [Horrified] What! Prescribe castor oil for an emperor? The gods forbid! Where are your professional ethics? Besides, I've been in jail, and don't like it. And when I think of lions in the arena gumming this old epidermis—!
PISO AND POLORUS Majesty! PAULA [To PISO, gushingly] Oh, doctor, I am so glad to see you! I have been so worried! PISO [In his best manner] Be calm! This—[indicating POLORUS] is Dr. Polorus, my—[maliciously] assistant. Doctor, you are honoured by the notice of the Empress Paula. PAULA [Buttonholing PISO tragically] I surely hope you PISO Yes, I have heard. It's common gossip. PAULA One of them put him on water! Like a horse! [It gradually becomes evident that PAULA, who is about 37 and rather chunky, is somewhat alcoholized and inclined to weep] I thought he would die the first night. I was up the whole night. I wouldn't let any of the other ladies touch him. I suffered terribly.
PISO [With professional tact] And what seemed to be the symptoms? PAULA Just grief, I guess. The love of a pure woman. I still feel very faint. POLORUS Perhaps a goblet of wine— PAULA [Promptly motioning to RUFINIUS] And you, too. PISO [Reaching for his goblet] People simply will send for one. I seldom get out of my clothes.
POLORUS And you were saying that the Emperor— PAULA Doctor, you'd hardly believe it. He's so changed I hardly know him—always complaining about his stomach-aches, and taking pills and things. You know how lively he used to be—always up to some pleasantry. Why, even when we had a quiet dinner here at home—just him and me and the other girls—he'd have in one of those dancers from Mesopotamia, and make him dance on a red-hot stove. Always something jolly. And how he would laugh and cut up! But now look at him! Even this New Year's Eve banquet is like a funeral. Think of it! He wouldn't let me go to it—and I've been sitting beside him at banquets for—well, ever since I was almost a child. And all the other girls barred out, too—all except Dacia. PISO [Professionally] Too bad, too bad! PAULA I say nothing against Dacia—not a word. She is a very nice girl. I was glad to see him marry her—that is, if he had to marry anybody. I thought he had wives enough. You can imagine what trouble it makes for me. But you don't want to hear my afflictions. POLORUS Your Majesty was saying that the Emperor is depressed. PAULA Depressed? You'd think he had on damp underclothes! And he keeps on sending for those quacks—even those crazy dervishes and religious healers from Asia. PISO Religion? Aha! Mental symptoms! PAULA Why, yesterday I hear he actually had in one of those awful Jews—Christians, some of them now call themselves—the kind they burn at the circus. PISO Riff-raff! They actually say they can cure a sick man without medicine. [To POLORUS] Your pardon, Doctor. POLORUS No offence at all, I assure you. My family is from PAULA [Continuing] So I sent for you doctors. I hear you do wonders. But you must be careful. No feeling of pulses or sticking out of tongues. Just say you have heard he is feeling poorly, and have dropped in as a matter of patriotism. Don't tell him I sent for you. He'll be here in a few moments, as soon as the banquet [she sniffs sarcastically] is over. You'll see how sick he is the moment he comes in. POLORUS And as for the symptoms, Majesty: you say he complains of—
PAULA Oh, the poor man! Something has disagreed with him. PISO Who is the gentleman? PAULA I don't know him. I think he is one of the generals THE SLAVE Caius Macrinus, Majesty. Commander of the Western Fleet. PISO Ah, a naval officer! [To the slave] Is he taken this way often? THE SLAVE [Idiotically] Only when he drinks. POLORUS I think it may be fits. Let's take a look at him. PAULA Shall I order some wine? PISO No. That is, not for the patient.
POLORUS Grab his arm and pump it up and down! PISO What do you take me for, a milk-maid? I am a physician! POLORUS I thought we'd try some artificial respiration. PISO Artificial respiration your grandmother! Slap him on the back: that'll fetch him. POLORUS Yes, and give him pneumonia. PISO Pneumonia, flapdoodle! A drunken man never gets pneumonia! POLORUS Since when? PISO Since the time of Romulus and Remus. POLORUS Well, I have seen it. PISO You thought you saw it. The patient probably had cholera. Or maybe a fractured skull. POLORUS [Sarcastically] Palm-reader! PISO [With equal sarcasm] Barber! PAULA [Brightly] Why not roll him on a barrel? POLORUS Too late! He's getting over it. Besides, [indicating the banquet room] what barrels there are, are in there.
CAIUS [Thickly] Ah there, fair one! How about a little drink! PISO [Horrified] Sacrilege! PAULA [Flattered by his apparent admiration] Oh, let the poor commander alone. He's feeling badly. [She approaches him, with a goblet] There, that will make you better. CAIUS I remember you, little peppermint, but I can't place you. Didn't we meet in—Alexandria? PAULA [Sympathetically] Oh, don't worry your poor head. CAIUS It doesn't worry me. I remember you now. What's become of that little dark girl? PISO [In alarm] The Commander seems to be flighty. He imagines he's in a—er, a private house. RUFINIUS [Taking charge of the situation] I'd better help him out.
CAIUS [Drunkenly] But I haven't paid for the drink! Let me pay for the drink! I insist upon paying for the drink! I— [Exeunt] POLORUS Delirium! PAULA [Virtuously] I can't imagine what he was talking about. PISO Oh, I have seen thousands of such cases. Most doctors make the mistake of—
PAULA [To the doctors] Remember. Very careful! Don't ask him to stick out his tongue!
HELIOGABALUS There it is again—that grinding pain. DACIA I'm so sorry, dear. Shall I send for something? HELIOGABALUS The oyster-soup, I dessay. [DACIA pats his arm] Or the speeches.
HELIOGABALUS [Irascibly] So there you are! Get up! [They arise] Well, what are you doing in the Night Court? PISO May it please your Majesty, the thought occurred to us that it would be a favourable moment for—paying our respects. HELIOGABALUS Aha, the crows smell the carrion! So you heard that I was ill? PISO Not exactly ill, Majesty, but—well, one might say slightly indisposed. HELIOGABALUS Indisposed? A sweet word. Then a man who has had his head cut off is suffering from tonsillitis. PISO Your Majesty describes the symptoms very trenchantly. Half the doctor's work is done for him. HELIOGABALUS I haven't mentioned a damned symptom, you scurvy old body-snatcher. If I began to tell you all my symptoms I'd talk your ear off. POLORUS Perhaps your Majesty will favour us with, say a specimen or two. HELIOGABALUS [He hesitates, but finally thinks well of the suggestion] Well, if you are interested.... For example, what would you say of a sort of peculiar buzzing sensation at the pit of the stomach, an hour after meals? [He makes elaborate circular motions with his fist] And then a sour headache, with peculiar flashes of light before the eyes? Sometimes white; sometimes red; sometimes a sort of greenish purple, or pinkish yellow, or bluish—
POLORUS [Judicially and with a profound frown] I should call it hyperacidity. PISO [Derisively] What! Hyperacidity? Then where is your heart-burn? HELIOGABALUS [Interrupting] Sir, I said nothing of any heart-burn. PISO Precisely. My learned friend here simply— HELIOGABALUS [Petulantly] See here, who's sick, you or I? I tell you about stomach-ache, and you begin talking of heart-burn. POLORUS [Virtuously] I didn't mention it, Majesty. HELIOGABALUS And it's lucky for you that you didn't mention it, Majesty! What is your guess? POLORUS I say hyperacidity. HELIOGABALUS Yes, that was your first guess. Now what is your second? POLORUS Cholelithiasis. HELIOGABALUS And then? What is number three? POLORUS Nervous dyspepsia. HELIOGABALUS [In a sepulchral voice, gradually working himself into a rage] And which one do you favour for the death-certificate? POLORUS [Horrified] Surely Your Majesty is joking! HELIOGABALUS [Now thoroughly enraged, he leaps down from the solium and proceeds toward POLORUS like a lion stalking a deer] Joking? Is a coroner's inquest a joke? Is an autopsy a joke? [He explodes with wrath and bawls for the guard] Out with the jackass! Shove him into tier two and fatten him for the leopards! Out with him!
HELIOGABALUS Grab the old one! Duck him in the pool!
PISO [Sputtering] Injustice! Injustice! HELIOGABALUS Again!
PISO [Coming up again] I confess! Let me out! I admit everything!
HELIOGABALUS Now throw him out.
PISO Where is my stethoscope? I lost my stethoscope! I want my stetho—
DACIA [Sweetly, as HELIOGABALUS returns to the solium and wearily reseats himself] You excite yourself, dear. [She caresses him as if he were a troubled child, but a bit timorously] You should be calmer. That old quack isn't worth— HELIOGABALUS Calm? How can I be calm with that dog-fight going on in my tummy? My sweet birdie, you underestimate the effects of matter on mind. I ought to have kissed you an hour ago. It was my duty. Moreover, I inclined to it—the thought presented itself to me. But just then I was seized. I love you—but I am sick. DACIA [Sentimentally] If you love me, I am happy. HELIOGABALUS So am I—theoretically. But this—— [He rubs his front sadly. Then he suddenly pulls himself together. To the assemblage] Let us proceed to business. What is the first case?
THE CLERK Hecatus; 27 years old; attempted burglary. HELIOGABALUS Hecatus? Is he a Greek? THE CLERK Yes, your Majesty. HELIOGABALUS Then don't bother to bring him in. Have him thrown into the Tiber at once. Next case. THE CLERK Cornelia Metelli; 20 years old; soliciting. HELIOGABALUS Bring her in.
CORNELIA [Beginning to protest from the moment she enters the door] Your Majesty, I give you my word I never done anything whatsoever at all. I was just walking down the street, going to meet a friend, when that policeman come up and— HELIOGABALUS Stop lying, my dear. I remember you very well. The last time, you held up a drunken pall-bearer on his way home from a funeral. CORNELIA Your Majesty, you have got me mixed up with some other lady. I give you my word I never— HELIOGABALUS Silence! Now let's be friends. How is trade? CORNELIA Your Majesty, you do me wrong, I assure— HELIOGABALUS Well, now, are we going to be friends, or do you want me to send you up at once? CORNELIA Don't send me up again! HELIOGABALUS Then answer my polite question. I asked you "How is trade?" I take it that it's not as good as it used to be. [CORNELIA begins to sniffle] I suppose the night has to be very dark for you to be—insulted. Or the stranger very soused. CORNELIA A poor girl ain't got a chance, Majesty. HELIOGABALUS Not after forty-five. Or fifty. [To the assemblage in general] Consider, gentlemen, the sad fate of this poor working girl. Think of her days of hope, of happiness. Of success. Think of the men she has charmed! Think of the old, sad romance of her betrayal! I dare say it was some gladiator, or an actor. Ah, the misery of the years! And now contemplate her beauty in its decay: the night must be very dark, or the stranger very soused. Observe that sepulchral wreck of what once was a human face. [CORNELIA sobs] No, my baby, I shall not send you up. Instead I am going to do something for you. Day chases day: you need a comfortable home. I appoint you a Vestal Virgin. CORNELIA [In horror] Oh, my God! Oh, your Majesty! HELIOGABALUS Sheriff, do your duty! [The guard drags her out, protesting raucously] Next case! THE CLERK Lucius Macedonicus; aged 30; picking pockets. [The prisoner is brought in] HELIOGABALUS Guilty or not guilty? THE PRISONER Not guilty. HELIOGABALUS That is to say, guilty. THE PRISONER Believe me, your Majesty, I wouldn't lie to— HELIOGABALUS [To the clerk] How many terms has he served? THE CLERK Twenty-seven, your Majesty. HELIOGABALUS I begin to doubt the efficacy of the modern jail system. Let me think. [He meditates] The sheriff is ordered to take the prisoner to the place of execution—— [The prisoner yells, but is silenced by the guard, and HELIOGABALUS goes on]—— and there chop off the index finger of his right hand—with one clean blow of a well-honed sword—no amateurish butchering. THE CLERK Any further command? HELIOGABALUS On his recovery, he is to be given a place on the police force. THE CLERK [In surprise] The police force? HELIOGABALUS I said the police force. A pickpocket with the index finger of his right hand gone is harmless. And so is a policeman. Call the next case.
HELIOGABALUS [Calling after] Bring me the finger, Sheriff. I admire it. [To the Clerk] What is the next case? THE CLERK Lucia the Galatian, alias Lucia the Christian; aged 21; blasphemy and inciting to riot. One of the soapbox cases, your Majesty. HELIOGABALUS Bring her in.
DACIA [To HELIOGABALUS] She is very pretty. HELIOGABALUS [Heavily] Oh, yes—in a sense. DACIA It's a pity to see such a pretty girl in the hands of the police. HELIOGABALUS [Grasping at the idea] A pity? It's revolting! Darling, it shocks me to expose you to such a spectacle. I really can't permit it. My conscience would never let up on me. DACIA But— HELIOGABALUS Exactly. Wifely duty, and all that. I understand. You love me. But I can't permit it, really. Moreover, it is getting very late. You must have your rest. [He rises] My arm. DACIA I am not sleepy at all, dear. HELIOGABALUS See. It has begun already! Insomnia from late hours. That's the way I began. I promised your father to take care of you, to cherish you, to—— DACIA But— HELIOGABALUS I positively refuse to let you sacrifice yourself. I hadn't noticed the time. Now, my dear. [He offers his arm, and she dutifully takes it, though with obvious reluctance. They step down from the solium and proceed to the door of the peristyle. At the door] You have been getting paler and paler for an hour. I noticed it but didn't say anything. Now right to bed, my little ginger snap. Don't forget that Heliogabalus loves you. [He gives her a peck of a kiss] I'll be with you anon.
HELIOGABALUS [Genially] So this is Lucia! LUCIA [Oratorically] The peace of the Lord be with you, CÆsar! I am not afraid. HELIOGABALUS Well, surely not. I had no thought of harming you, my dear. LUCIA Ye who live by the sword shall perish by the sword. It is so written. HELIOGABALUS Perhaps you are right. But why did you kick up this disturbance on the street? LUCIA I made no disturbance, CÆsar. I obeyed the command. I preached the Son of God. HELIOGABALUS God? Which God? LUCIA The One God. HELIOGABALUS So there is only one now? I heard the rumour only last week. But why get excited about it? Why stir up those poor country yokels at the market, and give the policemen trouble? LUCIA I came to preach the Word. I came to bring peace. Aye, even peace to you, CÆsar;—with the sin and blood upon your hands. HELIOGABALUS [To the clerk] Mr. Clerk, the defendant is in the shadow. Can't we move the lamps a bit?
HELIOGABALUS So; an inch or so to the left. That's better. [To LUCIA] And now, my dear, about this blood upon my hands. Surely you have confused me with some one else. I am never violent. LUCIA It was by your decree that they died—burned alive, torn to pieces by wild beasts, butchered by gladiators—five hundred souls. HELIOGABALUS Oh-h, you mean those—what do you call them?—Christians! Well, surely you are not complaining of that. All that is a mere matter of administrative routine. They practise magic; they claim to be able to heal the sick, even to raise the dead. The law is the law. LUCIA It is their faith that gives life; it is their faith that heals. And that faith [touching her heart] is here. HELIOGABALUS [To the clerk] I'll have to trouble you about the lights again. Bring that big lamp nearer to the prisoner. The rest of you stand back.
HELIOGABALUS Thank you; now I can hear her better. [To LUCIA] And you were saying, my dear? LUCIA [Striking her heart again] My faith is here. The truth is here. The power of the spirit is here. HELIOGABALUS Yes, so far, so good. But surely you don't claim to be a magician like those other Christians. A pretty girl like you! LUCIA There is no magic! There is only the spirit. HELIOGABALUS But, my dear! What has the spirit to do with the belly-ache? How can the spirit help a man when he is doubled up? What could it do for me? LUCIA Even you, CÆsar. Even you are not beyond the grace of the Lord. HELIOGABALUS [Growing more interested] Do you mean to say that I can be cured by this new magic, this so-called Christianity? LUCIA By Christianity, CÆsar, and by the spirit within. Even you may be healed. HELIOGABALUS Do you mean without swallowing any more pills? LUCIA I know nothing of pills. I know only the work of the Lord. HELIOGABALUS But what I am getting at is: what is the machinery of it? How do you set the Lord to working? Just how do you do it? LUCIA [Simply] We pray. HELIOGABALUS Is that all? LUCIA We lay on hands. HELIOGABALUS [Vastly interested] So! You lay on hands? And do you yourself—that is to say, are you yourself a practitioner of this—this—laying on of hands?
LUCIA My prayers have been answered. I take no reward. I would ask the Lord's mercies even for you, CÆsar. HELIOGABALUS Well, all I have to say is that you are a very nice LUCIA It is the command: forgive those who have ill-used you. HELIOGABALUS Oh, I say: now you are going too far. Imagine me ill-using you. Sweet piece, you wrong me. LUCIA [In surprise] I am not to be burned? HELIOGABALUS The idea! Burn you! The very thought of it revolts me. You have been misinformed, my dear. I am a very humane man—even a polite man. LUCIA But— HELIOGABALUS Yes, I know what you are going to say. Now and then I am irritable—and maybe order a man or two, or a dozen or so, to the—that is, now and then, I let the law take its course. But when a man is in bad health—and always has the stomach-ache—he sometimes gets out of humour. Who wouldn't? You have no idea how much I have suffered, and what awful medicines I have taken. Not half an hour ago I had to have another of those quacks ducked in this very LUCIA I shall pray for you, CÆsar. HELIOGABALUS Yes, by all means. But this laying on of hands—I have a notion that it might, er—fit my particular case even better. LUCIA [Diffidently] We could try. HELIOGABALUS So we could. But not here. I have a feeling that a crowd might be—well, unsympathetic. [To the clerk] The court recesses, Mr. Clerk. Clear the room!
HELIOGABALUS [To RUFINIUS] I shall cross-examine the witness in chambers. [To LUCIA, offering her his arm] My dear.
RUFINIUS [In bored tones] Better get the musicians ready, Sampinus. They'll probably be wanted presently. Are they all sober?
PAULA The Emperor—where is the Emperor? RUFINIUS He has just stepped out, Majesty. PAULA Just stepped out? Where has he gone? RUFINIUS He hasn't gone anywhere, Majesty. PAULA Bosh. Either he is out or he is not out. Don't deceive me!
PAULA So he's in there, is he? And who is it this time? RUFINIUS A young woman, Majesty—a young Christian woman.
RUFINIUS Majesty? HELIOGABALUS [Within] Music!
HELIOGABALUS [Within] Not so damned loud! Something soft—and dreamy! RUFINIUS [To the musicians] Turn off the air in that pipe!
PAULA This looks serious. RUFINIUS I fear so, Majesty. PAULA You say she is a Christian girl—one of those ex-Jewesses who bawl and beat tambourines on the streets? What does she look like? RUFINIUS I regret to report— PAULA Speak up! Is she good-looking? RUFINIUS [Reluctantly] In a sense, yes. PAULA That means she is very beautiful, doesn't it? Do I know any one she looks like? RUFINIUS [With a heavy attempt at courtliness] Your Majesty must consult your mirror. PAULA Enough of that blather! Do you think that I don't know I'm—nearly twenty-eight? [With bitterness] If I were still what I used to be, I'd be in that room myself.
PAULA What is that stuff? RUFINIUS The wine from Britain, brought to the Emperor by Caius Macrinus. PAULA You mean that stuff that tastes like smoke? Wine your grandpa! So he's going to try that on that poor girl! The third degree!
RUFINIUS It is somewhat heady. PAULA I should say it is. Why, the first time I tried it my head spun around like a ballet girl. Now tell me about this girl. Is it just a—you know—or is it—? RUFINIUS I'm afraid it is. PAULA Is what? [Maudlinly] Tell me, Rufinius! You wouldn't desert me! Tell me the truth! RUFINIUS I'm afraid it's serious. PAULA You mean—? RUFINIUS Well, he hasn't ordered any guard to take her away in the morning. PAULA [Hysterically] There! I knew it! He'll marry her, and then I'll have another on my hands. Eleven already—and now one more! I'll go crazy if he keeps this up. RUFINIUS [Reassuringly] Well, maybe I'm wrong, after all. Perhaps he's merely interested in her talk. PAULA [Inconsolable] Yes, that's the worst of it. If it was only her looks I wouldn't care. A man gets his fill of looking in no time. But when he begins to listen he's lost. [Bursting into tears] I think this is too much. I've tried to be a good chief wife to the Emperor. Have you ever heard me complain when he came home with a girl and—sent for the musicians? Never! But I'm getting tired of this marrying. When he marries another one I have her on my hands. Who has to keep order among them? Who protects them when he gets into a bad humour and begins to talk of throwing half a dozen of them to the crocodiles?
RUFINIUS But maybe Your Majesty is too pessimistic. I have a feeling that—
PAULA [Rushing up, she immediately notes the full goblet] Ha! One still full! [Hysterically] What did I tell you? This one is a wise one: she refuses to drink. Now he's done for! RUFINIUS [Alarmed at last] It looks pretty bad. PAULA Bad? I tell you it's all over! I got him that way myself—and so did most of the others. I know! [Rising to martyrdom] Oh, what have I done to deserve this! And a Christian, too—a common street woman, praying and bawling in the gutters! Imagine the palace with her around! Worse, imagine the Emperor! Here, give me the goblet. I feel faint!
RUFINIUS [In alarm] Your Majesty had better— PAULA Yes, yes. [Starting off] Let me know what happens.
HELIOGABALUS [To RUFINIUS] Kick these vermin out [indicating the musicians] They play bawdy music. [RUFINIUS kicks them out] HELIOGABALUS [To LUCIA] And now, little dear, as I was saying—
HELIOGABALUS Rufinius! RUFINIUS Majesty! HELIOGABALUS Who emptied this goblet? RUFINIUS [In great confusion] Your Majesty, I assure you— HELIOGABALUS Silence! I don't want to hear any lies from you. So you have taken to the jug again—after all your promises? While I am hard at work, engaged in the RUFINIUS [At a loss] Your Majesty, I— HELIOGABALUS I have ordered you not to lie! If you tell me that it evaporated—in four minutes—to the galleys! If you say you gave it to a blind beggar—to the boa constrictors! If you say thieves broke in and stole it—I'll burn you like a—like a Christian! RUFINIUS [Eager to shield the Empress, he takes the blame. He falls to his knees] Majesty! I ask forgiveness! HELIOGABALUS Ha! You save your life! [Irritably] But this sort of thing has got to stop! I can't have drinking men about me. [A pause while he meditates] You must be punished. You must have your lesson. [Another pause] How would you like to lose those beautiful pink whiskers? RUFINIUS [Horror-stricken, he falls flat on the floor] Majesty! HELIOGABALUS That's it, exactly. Call in the guard and we'll chop LUCIA [Protesting] I hope your Majesty—
PAULA Stop! HELIOGABALUS [Startled] What? PAULA Rufinius is innocent! HELIOGABALUS Then it was— PAULA Yes, I drank it. I was feeling faint. I took it—medicinally. HELIOGABALUS Well, it seems to have medicated you, all right. PAULA I think I had cause to be ill. HELIOGABALUS What had you been eating? PAULA Yes, laugh while I suffer! You never think of me! HELIOGABALUS [Sternly] My dear, you talk pish. This lady is Lucia. Lucia, the Empress. Lucia was arrested—by a grievous error—and brought before me—and we have been discussing certain problems—chiefly sociological. PAULA Yes, I know what your problems are—whether to make love to her and fill her with nonsense, or just grab her. HELIOGABALUS My dear, I forbid you. Such talk is libellous, and grossly licentious. You will make me believe that the wine has—affected you. PAULA [To LUCIA] Don't you let him come over you with his soft-soap. That man could talk a woman into anything. Haven't I seen him do it, with one girl after another? He'll make you believe you are Venus and then, when you get to be as I am, he'll— HELIOGABALUS What foolishness, my dear! Imagine this beautiful, this innocent, girl ever getting like you are! PAULA Wasn't I beautiful and innocent once? HELIOGABALUS Well, maybe once. PAULA [Maudlin] And when I think of those other poor girls. HELIOGABALUS [To LUCIA] Unluckily, my sweet Venus, the Empress is not herself. I have noticed it for some time. About twenty years. [To PAULA] Wouldn't it be better, darling, if you went to bed? Perhaps a good night's rest would help you. Or shall I send for Piso? PAULA Piso? Never! That dirty old fraud— HELIOGABALUS And yet you sent for him to monkey with my stomach—my poor, sick stomach! Don't say you didn't. I know all about it. By this time, my dear, you should have more respect for my spy system. PAULA That's the way: You always put it on me! When you have done something, you accuse me of something. Oh, what— HELIOGABALUS [Humouring her] But why go into that? You are—ill, RUFINIUS Oh, Majesty, Majesty! PAULA Rufinius is innocent. I drank the wine—all of it! HELIOGABALUS I believe you—but nevertheless, Rufinius lied to me. Can I afford to let it get about that it is safe to lie to the Emperor of Rome? Surely not. Now, go to bed and get a good night's rest and let me attend to Rufinius' ear. He is tired of waiting. The longer we put off the matter of his ear, the longer it will take to heal.
PAULA [Going out blubbering] What have I ever done to deserve such awful, such cruel, such—
HELIOGABALUS [To RUFINIUS] Now get the guard, and bring in the tools. It'll be all over in a few minutes. RUFINIUS [Screeching] Pardon, Majesty, pardon! I— HELIOGABALUS Silence! I have already pardoned you. This other business is a mere reminder, a souvenir. Go get the guard. I am busy.
LUCIA But surely, your Majesty, you are not— HELIOGABALUS It won't take three minutes, I assure you. I'll do it myself—and I have a steady hand. Then we can resume our—studies— LUCIA [Clutching his arm] But surely this is not necessary. "Vengeance is Mine, saith the Lord." I beg of you, CÆsar— HELIOGABALUS Oh, I forgot. Your religion. Your Christianity. LUCIA We are forbidden to shed blood, even an enemy's. HELIOGABALUS But no one is asking you to shed any blood, little pigeon. I'll do it myself. Besides, there won't be much. LUCIA Or to see it shed. HELIOGABALUS Well, now, isn't that going rather far? Wouldn't it be fair to call that a rather extreme view? LUCIA [Her hands on him] CÆsar, I beg of you, I implore you— HELIOGABALUS [Melting, he slips his arm around her] Oh, if you put it on those grounds, why, of course—[He strokes her hair] Do you like me, Lucia, just a little bit? LUCIA I'd like you more, CÆsar, if— HELIOGABALUS [Sentimentally] How much more? LUCIA [Her eyes downcast] Maybe a great deal more, if— HELIOGABALUS Honest? You swear it? LUCIA We are forbidden to swear. "Let your Aye be Aye, and your Nay—" HELIOGABALUS Yes, but you would, wouldn't you? LUCIA I think I would, CÆsar. HELIOGABALUS [Calling to RUFINIUS] Rufinius, you may keep your ear. And your beautiful pink whiskers, too. RUFINIUS [Turning at the ostium] Your Majesty is good! HELIOGABALUS Moreover, you look tired! You have long hours. Suppose you take a little nap out in the ostium. I'll call you if I want you. I have a bit more—business—with this young lady. RUFINIUS At your Majesty's command. HELIOGABALUS And before you go out, you might as well dim some of these lights. They seem to me to be a bit glary, so to speak. How about putting out that big one over there? [RUFINIUS extinguishes it] So, that's better. Now run along. If I want you I'll call. But don't sit up for me. [Exit RUFINIUS] HELIOGABALUS [Approaching LUCIA and eyeing her admiringly] And now, my dear and very delightful Christian maiden, now that we are alone, let us sit down and have a cosy little chat. Oh, not on that stool; it will tire your back. Why not here? [He mounts the LUCIA I am afraid, CÆsar. My people will be wondering where I am. HELIOGABALUS And a good joke on them, too. [He laughs elaborately] They'll think you are on your way to the lions—and here you are as safe as a bug in a rug—and converting the Emperor to this Christianity, as you call it. Now, about that Christian kiss you showed me—just how is it done? LUCIA [Pecking at him modestly and very gingerly] Like this. HELIOGABALUS [Disappointed, shaking his head] Um, kind o' short. Not like—but maybe—after a while, after a little while ... LUCIA [Bashfully, but with art] I'm afraid you won't respect me. HELIOGABALUS [Looks at her sharply] What's that? LUCIA I said I thought you would think I was— HELIOGABALUS Pish-posh, little goose-liver. I never think such things. Don't mention them. LUCIA But you have a wife already. HELIOGABALUS A wife? I have eleven. LUCIA [Horrified] What! Eleven! HELIOGABALUS Eleven living. My poor, dear Marcia is dead—among others. Paula succeeded her. Dynastic reasons, my juicy plum: the merit system was unheard of in those days. Then there is Annia Faustina, with the red hair. And CÆlestis. I married her in Gaul: I was very lonely. And then there is Aquilia Severa. And Falia. And dear little Dacia. That was Dacia who was with me when those scoundrels brought you in. You will like Dacia—that is, you would like her if you knew her. And then there is Gestina. And—
LUCIA That makes seven. HELIOGABALUS And Blenina, the blonde. And Alinia. And— LUCIA That makes nine. HELIOGABALUS Well, let so much be considered the reading of the minutes. It would only bore you to go on. Besides, why do it? Put them beside you, my new baby—oh, my! You saw one of them—Paula. Imagine a cultivated man, a man of artistic tastes, swapping a real kiss with— LUCIA But the Lord forbids. A man must cleave to one wife. HELIOGABALUS A sensible idea. In fact, a capital idea. If the rest of Christianity is like that, put down my name at once. But it's too late. LUCIA You have married all these women? HELIOGABALUS Every one of them, so far as I can make out. Including Paula. LUCIA Then you have broken the law of the Lord. Then you have sinned. HELIOGABALUS [Snuggling close] Oh, come now. Surely it is no sin to marry. I always thought that— LUCIA Marriage is of the Lord. HELIOGABALUS Well, then, how do you make it out that I have sinned? If it's all right to marry one wife, why should it be a sin to marry another wife? LUCIA You are mocking me, CÆsar. HELIOGABALUS Not at all, I assure you. I am quite serious. Just why should it be a sin, as you call it, to marry more than one? LUCIA There are many reasons, CÆsar. The Lord has spoken. A man, in His eyes, can truly love but one woman. HELIOGABALUS Fiddlesticks, little prune cake. I have eleven wives, and I love no less than four of them. LUCIA Love them? HELIOGABALUS Well, more or less. At all events, I did love them. Now— LUCIA You loved them truly? HELIOGABALUS One of them for two long years! LUCIA But marriage must endure unto death. HELIOGABALUS It did. It wasn't my fault. But figure it for yourself: When I caught her with that gladiator, what could I do? It was a great shock to me. LUCIA You—? HELIOGABALUS It cut me to the heart. I almost felt like taking some of the poison myself. LUCIA [Horrified] You had her poisoned? HELIOGABALUS What was I to do? I went as far as I decently could. I invited the gladiator to dinner. They died in each other's arms. I even buried him at my own expense. LUCIA You are horrible. HELIOGABALUS I am a husband. LUCIA You are a pagan—an infidel! HELIOGABALUS And you? Isn't a Christian an infidel? You, too, are an infidel—but [sentimentally]—a very dear, sweet little infidel. Now, how about another of those Christian kisses—but this time a man's size one? LUCIA [Not heeding him] Could you share your love—or what you call your love—for me with any other woman? HELIOGABALUS [Under the spell of her beauty] You try my philosophy sorely. LUCIA [Insistent] Could you? HELIOGABALUS Well, I'm no longer as young as I used to be. LUCIA Could you? HELIOGABALUS Turn your head a bit, so that the light falls on your hair. Ah, the moon! There, that's better. Now, what was it you said? LUCIA Could you share your love for me with another woman? HELIOGABALUS [A pause, during which he admires the picture. Emphatically] No! LUCIA [Radiant] Ah, CÆsar, you see! Or you begin to see. The star of Bethlehem has begun to shine in Rome! HELIOGABALUS [His arm about her] I don't see any star, my dear, but the stars that shine in your amethyst eyes. Now, please—[A kiss] And now another. LUCIA What! Right away! HELIOGABALUS Don't be afraid of crowding them. I could stand millions of those stingy Christian kisses. A thousand of them would only make one real, honest Roman kiss. LUCIA No. HELIOGABALUS Yes. LUCIA No, CÆsar. HELIOGABALUS I order you. LUCIA [At once archly and coolly] In whose name, CÆsar? HELIOGABALUS [Desperately in her thrall] In the name of your God, whose light I am beginning to see. LUCIA [Now more persuaded] Well, just a little one.
LUCIA Oh, my! HELIOGABALUS Was it nice? LUCIA [Coquettishly] No. You are bad, CÆsar. HELIOGABALUS What! Bad! LUCIA Bad, bad, CÆsar.
THE CHRISTIAN I want to see CÆsar! I must face CÆsar! HELIOGABALUS [Observing that the three have at last made him, fast. Folding his arms] Let him speak. THE CHRISTIAN I accuse you, CÆsar, of debauchery. HELIOGABALUS What! You come here in the middle of the night to— THE CHRISTIAN I call on you in the name of the Lord— HELIOGABALUS [To Lucia] Do you know this gentleman? Who is he, and what does he want? THE CHRISTIAN I want you to liberate that poor, innocent girl—that lamb of the Lord. LUCIA He is Simon of Cappadocia. SIMON [Still roaring] Let her go! Release her from your loathsome embraces! HELIOGABALUS Listen to that! [To Lucia] Think of that, my dear! LUCIA [Quietly] You are wrong, Simon. The great CÆsar has done me no harm. HELIOGABALUS There, you see! SIMON He has not laid his hands on you? LUCIA No. That is— SIMON [Refusing to believe it] You fear him. You are afraid to speak! [To HELIOGABALUS] CÆsar, what are you doing to this maiden? HELIOGABALUS Doing to her? I am admiring her. SIMON What are you going to do to her? HELIOGABALUS [Embarrassed] Now, really—[To LUCIA] Who did you say he is? LUCIA One of our pastors—Simon. [Apologetically] He is very— HELIOGABALUS A pastor? That is, a clergyman? [To SIMON] Are you in holy orders? SIMON I am a poor shepherd. I seek this strayed lamb. The wolves— HELIOGABALUS Good enough. I respect you for it. So you are a clergyman? Well, that simplifies matters enormously. Get out your tools. [Bells begin to ring out] The New Year! SIMON [In alarm] Tools? HELIOGABALUS The things necessary for your ceremony of holy marriage. I assume that you carry them with you. [The din increases] It's the New Year—and I turn over a new leaf! LUCIA [In astonishment; protesting] But, CÆsar— HELIOGABALUS Nonsense, my dear. Tomorrow it may be raining, or there may be a parade—[To SIMON] And now, Doctor, you may begin. Do I stand here?
LUCIA [Swept off her feet] But, CÆsar, your other wives! HELIOGABALUS [Himself completely gone] I am done with my other wives! LUCIA Done with them? HELIOGABALUS Henceforth and for ever! You shall be my one wife! And your faith my faith! LUCIA [Wide-eyed] You mean—you mean, CÆsar, that through me, through love for me, you have come to see the light? HELIOGABALUS [Swung along by the situation] I mean, my fair maiden, that I have seen some kind of light in your beautiful eyes. I don't know just what it is, or exactly what it stands for, but I love you, adore you, want you—and am willing to follow it—blindly. SIMON [To LUCIA, in amazement] Can you—do you—believe? LUCIA [Taking the Emperor's hand, as the chimes swell to a great clamour] The great CÆsar sees at last! HELIOGABALUS [His eyes feasting upon her] What wonderful hair! CURTAIN |