By Alexander K. McClure THE JOHN C. WINSTON COMPANY CHICAGO and PHILADELPHIA {0001} {0005}
PREFACE.
LINCOLN'S NAME AROUSES AN AUDIENCE, BY DR. NEWMAN HALL, of London.
LINCOLN AND McCLURE. (From Harper's Weekly, April 13, 1901.)
"ABE" LINCOLN'S YARNS AND STORIES.
LINCOLN ASKED TO BE SHOT.
TIME LOST DIDN'T COUNT.
NO VICES, NO VIRTUES. Lincoln always took great pleasure in relating this yarn:
LINCOLN'S DUES.
"DONE WITH THE BIBLE." Lincoln never told a better story than this:
HIS KNOWLEDGE OF HUMAN NATURE.
A MISCHIEVOUS OX.
THE PRESIDENTIAL "CHIN-FLY."
'SQUIRE BAGLY'S PRECEDENT.
HE'D NEED HIS GUN.
KEPT UP THE ARGUMENT.
EQUINE INGRATITUDE.
'TWAS "MOVING DAY."
"ABE'S" HAIR NEEDED COMBING.
WOULD "TAKE TO THE WOODS."
LINCOLN CARRIED HER TRUNK.
BOAT HAD TO STOP.
MCCLELLAN'S "SPECIAL TALENT."
HOW "JAKE" GOT AWAY.
MORE LIGHT AND LESS NOISE.
ONE BULLET AND A HATFUL.
LINCOLN'S STORY TO PEACE COMMISSIONERS.
"ABE" GOT THE WORST OF IT.
IT DEPENDED UPON HIS CONDITION.
"GOT DOWN TO THE RAISINS."
"HONEST ABE" SWALLOWS HIS ENEMIES.
SAVING HIS WIND.
RIGHT FOR, ONCE, ANYHOW.
"PITY THE POOR ORPHAN."
"BAP." McNABB'S BOOSTER.
A LOW-DOWN TRICK.
END FOR END.
LET SIX SKUNKS GO.
HOW HE GOT BLACKSTONE.
A JOB FOR THE NEW CABINETMAKER.
"I CAN STAND IT IF THEY CAN."
LINCOLN MISTAKEN FOR ONCE.
FORGOT EVERYTHING HE KNEW.
HE LOVED A GOOD STORY.
HEELS RAN AWAY WITH THEM.
WANTED TO BURN HIM DOWN TO THE STUMP.
HAD A "KICK" COMING.
THE CASE OF BETSY ANN DOUGHERTY.
HAD TO WEAR A WOODEN SWORD.
"ABE" STIRRING THE "BLACK" COALS.
GETTING RID OF AN ELEPHANT.
GROTESQUE, YET FRIGHTFUL.
"ABE" WAS NO DUDE.
CHARACTERISTIC OF LINCOLN.
"PLOUGH ALL 'ROUND HIM." Governor Blank went to the War Department one day in a towering rage:
"I'VE LOST MY APPLE."
LOST HIS CERTIFICATE OF CHARACTER.
NOTE PRESENTED FOR PAYMENT.
DOG WAS A "LEETLE BIT AHEAD."
"ABE'S" FIGHT WITH NEGROES.
NOISE LIKE A TURNIP.
WARDING OFF GOD'S VENGEANCE.
JEFF DAVIS AND CHARLES THE FIRST.
LOVED SOLDIERS' HUMOR.
BAD TIME FOR A BARBECUE.
HE'D SEE IT AGAIN.
CALL ANOTHER WITNESS.
A CONTEST WITH LITTLE "TAD."
REMINDED HIM OF "A LITTLE STORY."
"FETCHED SEVERAL SHORT ONES."
LINCOLN LUGS THE OLD MAN.
McCLELLAN WAS "INTRENCHING."
MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT, ANYWAY.
VICIOUS OXEN HAVE SHORT HORNS.
LINCOLN'S NAME FOR "WEEPING WATER."
PETER CARTWRIGHT'S DESCRIPTION OF LINCOLN.
NO DEATHS IN HIS HOUSE.
PAINTED HIS PRINCIPLES.
DIGNIFYING THE STATUTE.
LINCOLN CAMPAIGN MOTTOES.
GIVING AWAY THE CASE.
POSING WITH A BROOMSTICK.
"BOTH LENGTH AND BREADTH."
"ABE" RECITES A SONG.
"MANAGE TO KEEP HOUSE."
GRANT "TUMBLED" RIGHT AWAY. General Grant told this story about Lincoln some years after the War:
"DON'T KILL HIM WITH YOUR FIST."
COULD BE ARBITRARY.
A GENERAL BUSTIFICATION.
MAKING QUARTERMASTERS.
NO POSTMASTERS IN HIS POCKET. In the "Diary of a Public Man" appears this jocose anecdote:
HE "SKEWED" THE LINE.
"WHEREAS," HE STOLE NOTHING.
NOT LIKE THE POPE'S BULL.
COULD HE TELL?
DARNED UNCOMFORTABLE SITTING.
"WHAT'S-HIS-NAME" GOT THERE.
A REALLY GREAT GENERAL.
"SHRUNK UP NORTH."
LINCOLN ADOPTED THE SUGGESTION.
SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE.
TOO MANY PIGS FOR THE TEATS.
GREELEY CARRIES LINCOLN TO THE LUNATIC ASYLUM.
THE LAST TIME HE SAW DOUGLAS.
HURT HIS LEGS LESS.
A LITTLE SHY OR GRAMMAR.
HIS FIRST SATIRICAL WRITING.
LIKELY TO DO IT.
"THE ENEMY ARE 'OURN'"
"AND HERE I AM!"
SAFE AS LONG AS THEY WERE GOOD.
"SMELT NO ROYALTY IN OUR CARRIAGE."
HELL A MILE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.
HIS "GLASS HACK"
LEAVE HIM KICKING.
"WHO COMMENCED THIS FUSS?"
"ABE'S" LITTLE JOKE.
WHAT SUMMER THOUGHT.
A USELESS DOG.
ORIGIN OF THE "INFLUENCE" STORY.
FELT SORRY FOR BOTH.
WHERE DID IT COME FROM?
"LONG ABE" FOUR YEARS LONGER.
"ALL SICKER'N YOUR MAN."
EASIER TO EMPTY THE POTOMAC.
HE WANTED A STEADY HAND.
LINCOLN SAW STANTON ABOUT IT.
MRS. LINCOLN'S SURPRISE.
MENACE TO THE GOVERNMENT.
TROOPS COULDN'T FLY OVER IT.
PAT WAS "FORNINST THE GOVERNMENT."
"CAN'T SPARE THIS MAN."
HIS TEETH CHATTERED.
"AARON GOT HIS COMMISSION."
LINCOLN AND THE MINISTERS.
HARDTACK BETTER THAN GENERALS.
GOT THE PREACHER.
BIG JOKE ON HALLECK.
STORIES BETTER THAN DOCTORS.
SHORT, BUT EXCITING.
MR. BULL DIDN'T GET HIS COTTON.
STICK TO AMERICAN PRINCIPLES.
USED "RUDE TACT."
"ABE" ON A WOODPILE.
TAKING DOWN A DANDY.
WHEN OLD ABE GOT MAD.
WANTED TO "BORROW" THE ARMY.
YOUNG "SUCKER" VISITORS.
"AND YOU DON'T WEAR HOOPSKIRTS."
LIEUTENANT TAD LINCOLN'S SENTINELS.
DOUGLAS HELD LINCOLN'S HAT.
THE DEAD MAN SPOKE.
MILITARY SNAILS NOT SPEEDY.
OUTRAN THE JACK-RABBIT.
"FOOLING" THE PEOPLE.
"ABE, YOU CAN'T PLAY THAT ON ME."
HIS "BROAD" STORIES.
SORRY FOR THE HORSES.
MILD REBUKE TO A DOCTOR.
COLD MOLASSES WAS SWIFTER.
LINCOLN CALLS MEDILL A COWARD.
THEY DIDN'T BUILD IT.
STANTON'S ABUSE OF LINCOLN.
THE NEGRO AND THE CROCODILE.
LINCOLN WAS READY TO FIGHT.
IT WAS UP-HILL WORK.
LEE'S SLIM ANIMAL.
"MRS. NORTH AND HER ATTORNEY."
SATISFACTION TO THE SOUL.
WITHDREW THE COLT.
"TAD" GOT HIS DOLLAR.
TELLS AN EDITOR ABOUT NASBY.
LONG AND SHORT OF IT.
MORE PEGS THAN HOLES.
"WEBSTER COULDN'T HAVE DONE MORE."
LINCOLN MET CLAY.
REMINDED "ABE" OF A LITTLE JOKE.
HIS DIGNITY SAVED HIM.
THE MAN HE WAS LOOKING FOR
HIS CABINET CHANCES POOR.
THE GENERAL WAS "HEADED IN"
SUGAR-COATED.
COULD MAKE "RABBIT-TRACKS."
LINCOLN PROTECTED CURRENCY ISSUES.
LINCOLN'S APOLOGY TO GRANT.
LINCOLN SAID "BY JING."
IT TICKLED THE LITTLE WOMAN.
"SHALL ALL FALL TOGETHER."
DEAD DOG NO CURE.
"THOROUGH" IS A GOOD WORD.
THE CABINET WAS A-SETTIN'.
A BULLET THROUGH HIS HAT.
NO KIND TO GET TO HEAVEN ON.
THE ONLY REAL PEACEMAKER.
THE APPLE WOMAN'S PASS.
SPLIT RAILS BY THE YARD.
THE QUESTION OF LEGS.
TOO MANY WIDOWS ALREADY. A Union officer in conversation one day told this story:
GOD NEEDED THAT CHURCH.
THE MAN DOWN SOUTH.
COULDN'T LET GO THE HOG.
THE CABINET LINCOLN WANTED.
READY FOR "BUTCHER-DAY." Leonard Swett told this eminently characteristic story:
"THE BAD BIRD AND THE MUDSILL."
GAVE THE SOLDIER HIS FISH.
A PECULIAR LAWYER.
IF THEY'D ONLY "SKIP."
FATHER OF THE "GREENBACK."
MAJOR ANDERSON'S BAD MEMORY.
NO VANDERBILT.
SQUASHED A BRUTAL LIE. In September, 1864, a New York paper printed the following brutal story:
"ONE WAR AT A TIME."
PRESIDENT LINCOLN'S LAST PUBLIC ADDRESS.
NO OTHERS LIKE THEM.
CASH WAS AT HAND.
WELCOMED THE LITTLE GIRLS.
"DON'T SWAP HORSES"
MOST VALUABLE POLITICAL ATTRIBUTE.
"ABE" RESENTED THE INSULT.
ONE MAN ISN'T MISSED.
"STRETCHED THE FACTS."
IT LENGTHENED THE WAR.
HIS THEORY OF THE REBELLION.
RAN AWAY WHEN VICTORIOUS.
WANTED STANTON SPANKED.
STANTON WAS OUT OF TOWN.
IDENTIFIED THE COLORED MAN.
OFFICE SEEKERS WORSE THAN WAR.
HE "SET 'EM UP."
WASN'T STANTON'S SAY.
"JEFFY" THREW UP THE SPONGE.
DIDN'T KNOW GRANT'S PREFERENCE.
JUSTICE vs. NUMBERS.
NO FALSE PRIDE IN LINCOLN.
EXTRA MEMBER OF THE CABINET.
HOW LINCOLN WAS ABUSED.
HOW "FIGHTING JOE" WAS APPOINTED.
KEPT HIS COURAGE UP.
LINCOLN’S YARNS AND STORIES A Complete Collection of the Funny and Witty Anecdotes that made Abraham Lincoln Famous as America’s Greatest Story Teller With Introduction and Anecdotes Clyx.com
