  The Scene is the same as in the preceding Act. Next morning. Mrs. Parker-Jennings and Vincent are discovered. Vincent. Where’s the governor? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. He’s ’aving an interview with the waiter. Vincent. I hope he’ll give him what for. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. You trust your father for that. Oh, I thought I should never get through last night. Eighteen people to dinner, and me on pins and needles the whole time. Vincent. There’s a ripping long account of the Garden Party in the Cheshire Times. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Do you think I’ve not seen it? Vincent. It went off beautifully; no one can deny that. There wasn’t a hitch. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. [With a little cry of rage.] Oh! Enter Mr. Parker-Jennings. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Well? Parker-Jennings. [Apologetically.] My dear. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. [Indignantly.] You’ve been and gone and made another old fool of yourself, Jennings. Parker-Jennings. [With a deprecating laugh.] I’m afraid it’s the same old fool as usual, Maria. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Don’t make jokes at me, Robert. Keep them for your City friends. Parker-Jennings. He’s had breakfast. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. ’As he indeed. At ’alf-past eleven. He’s not putting himself out, is he? Vincent. When’s he going, father? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. It isn’t a question of when he’s going. Your father went to him and said he was to clear out before twelve o’clock or we’d send for the police, come what might. That’s what you told him, Robert, isn’t it? Parker-Jennings. Well, my dear.... Mrs. Parker-Jennings. You always were a fool, Jennings. What have you done now? Parker-Jennings. Well, my dear, he insisted on having one of the footmen in the room. He said he didn’t like this English habit of ours of having no servants at the breakfast-table. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. You don’t mean to say you let him order my servants about? Parker-Jennings. My dear, what could I do? There was one of them in the room at the time. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. And you sat by while he ate his breakfast? Parker-Jennings. He has a very healthy appetite, Maria. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Don’t talk to me. You must ’ave ’ad some opportunity to give him a piece of your mind. Parker-Jennings. Well, my dear, we were left alone for a minute. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Well? Parker-Jennings. [Helplessly.] He was so affable that.... Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Affable! Oh, you blithering fool. Wait till I get a word with him. Parker-Jennings. Well, my dear, why didn’t you get rid of him last night? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. How could I get rid of ’im last night, with eighteen people come to dinner to meet ’im? Vincent. What about Lady Wanley? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Oh, I never want to set eyes on her again. I know she was at the bottom of this. Vincent. But I thought you’d sent for her. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. So I ’ave, and for Holland too. They got us into the mess, and they must get us out of it. It’s just as bad for them as for us now. That’s one comfort. Jack Straw comes in, in flannels, looking very cool and comfortable. Jack Straw. Hulloa, there you are! I was just hunting around for some one to give me a cigarette. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. [Ironically.] I ’ope you ’ad a comfortable breakfast. Jack Straw. A 1, thanks. Give me a cigarette, old man? [Vincent is helping himself to one, and Jack Straw takes the case out of his hand, helps himself, and returns it. Vincent. Don’t mind me, will you? Jack Straw. Not at all. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. [Aggressively.] Well? Jack Straw. Jolly party you gave yesterday, Mrs. Jennings. It was a great success, wasn’t it? [Turning to Parker-Jennings.] By the way, what was that port we drank last night? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. No, you don’t, my friend. You may be able to bluff Jennings, but you don’t bluff me. Jack Straw. Bluff? Bluff? I flatter myself on my knowledge of English, but I don’t think I’ve ever come across that word. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Haven’t you? Perhaps you ’aven’t come across the word skilly either? But, unless you look out, you’ll know what it is before you want to. Jack Straw. You talk in riddles, dear lady. I always think it a fatiguing habit. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Oh, I’ll make myself clear. Don’t you ’ave any fear about that. Jack Straw. [Sitting down lazily.] I can’t help feeling the interval between breakfast and luncheon in a country house is one of the most agreeable moments of the day. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. See that there’s no one about, Vincent. Vincent. It’s all right, mater. Jack Straw. [Looking at him blandly.] You have all the airs of a conspirator in a romantic play, my friend. You only want a false beard and some blue spectacles to make the picture perfect. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Now then, you listen to me, young man. Jack Straw. You flatter me, madam. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. We’ve talked it over, my ’usband and me, and we’re no fools, whatever you may think. You richly deserve to be ’anded over to the police. Jack Straw. One moment. To which character are you now addressing yourself, to the Archduke Sebastian or the waiter from the Grand Babylon Hotel? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Oh, if you don’t take care, I’ll give you such a box on the ears. Jack Straw. You certainly wouldn’t do that to a royal personage, would you? You must be concerned for the moment with Jack Straw. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. It may surprise you, but I ’ave been for the last ’alf hour. Jack Straw. I thought your manner had been a little abrupt. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. I was saying that you richly deserved to be ’anded over to the police. Jack Straw. There may be two opinions on that question, but we will let it pass. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. But we don’t want a scandal. Jack Straw. One has to be so careful in the smart set, doesn’t one? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. And we’re willing to let you go. Your luggage shall be packed, the motor shall take you to the station. Vincent. Mother, we shall all have to see him off, or it’ll look so fishy. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Oh, we’ll see him off. Anything to get rid of ’im safely. There’s a train in an hour from now. And I ’ave only one piece of advice to you, and that is, take the chance while you’ve got it. Jack Straw. It’s very kind of you, but I’m extremely comfortable here. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. You make me laugh. Jack Straw. I always think it hard that it should be so difficult to make people do that when you’re trying to be funny, and so easy when you’re trying to be serious. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. You don’t want me to tell my footman to take you by the scruff of the neck, and.... Jack Straw. My dear lady, let us keep perfectly calm. It would become neither of us to lose our tempers. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Do you mean to say you won’t go? Jack Straw. You put it in such a brutal way. Let us say rather, that I cannot tear myself away from your hospitable roof. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Ha, and how long do you propose to give us the honour of your company? Jack Straw. Well, I really haven’t quite made up my mind. I’m proposing to await developments. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Send for the police, Robert. I won’t put up with it. Vincent. You know, mother.... Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Hold your tongue, Vincent.... [To Jack Straw.] Oh, my friend, I’m sorry for you. Those nice white ’ands of yours will look pretty after they’ve been picking oakum for six months. Jack Straw. I had an idea that had been abolished in England. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Oh no, I think not. Jack Straw. Ah, perhaps it was the treadmill I was thinking of. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Well, Vincent, ’ow much longer are you going to stand there like a stuffed owl? Jack Straw. Do my eyes deceive me, or is that a local paper that I see? [He takes it up.] Ah, I surmised that it would have an account of your garden party. Two columns of it, by Jove! You must wish you hadn’t asked so many people. [Reading.] The Duchess of St. Erth, the Marchioness of Mereston, the Marquess of Mereston, Lord and Lady Hollington, Viscount Parnaby—dear me, how smart—Lady Wanley, Mr. and Mrs. Lamberville, the Bishop of Sheffield, and the Honourable Mrs. Spratte.... I say, won’t your humbler friends grind their teeth with envy. But doesn’t it say anything about me? Here it is. [Reading.] “The Archduke Sebastian looked every inch a prince.” I said so. [Reading to himself.] Oh, spare my blushes. [Aloud.] “His Royal Highness enchanted every one by the grace of his bearing and the charm of his Imperial personality.” Blood will tell. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. [To Parker-Jennings.] Are you going to stand there and let this man insult me, Robert? Jack Straw. [Blandly.] And what do you imagine all these noble and distinguished persons will think when they read in the next number of the local paper that the royal personage whose hand they were so pleased to shake—I did my duty like a hero, didn’t I?—was serving coffee and liqueurs a fortnight ago in the Grand Babylon Hotel? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Oh, be quiet, you.... Jack Straw. I can hear a titter rising softly in the village, with the doctor and the parson and the solicitor, whom you didn’t ask to your party, and I can hear it increase to a ripple of laughter as the story spreads through Cheshire. I can hear a Homeric peal as it travels from county to county. It’s a great guffaw in Manchester and Liverpool and the cities of the North, and already I hear the deep laughter of Bristol and Portsmouth and the West. And when it reaches London—you know how things go in London, it’s so large that it takes it a little time really to get hold of anything, but when at last it comes, can’t you see the huge city holding its aching sides and bellowing with laughter. But I’ll tell you who won’t see the joke—[taking up the paper and reading]—oh, they’ll laugh very much on the wrong side of their mouths; the Duchess of St. Erth, the Marchioness of Mereston, and my Lady Hollington and my Lord Parnaby, and the Bishop of Sheffield and the Honourable Mrs. Spratte. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Oh, you devil! Jack Straw. I can see you flying before the laughter like three tremulous leaves before the wind, and the laughter will pursue you to Paris, where they’ll make little songs about you on the boulevards, and the Riviera, where they’ll sell your photographs on picture postcards. I can see you fleeing across the Atlantic to hide your heads in the immensity of America, and there the Yellow Press, pea-green with frenzy, will pile column of ridicule upon column of invective. Oh, my dear lady, do you think it isn’t worth while to endure six months hard labour to amuse the world so profoundly? [There is a silence. Parker-Jennings takes out his handkerchief, makes it into a ball and mops his forehead. Vincent, noticing him, does the same. Mrs. Parker-Jennings gives the two a glance, sees what they are doing, takes out her handkerchief, rolls it up into a ball, and slowly mops her forehead. Parker-Jennings. It’s no good, Maria; we can’t give him in charge. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Tell me something I don’t know. We’re in the man’s hands, and he knows it. Jack Straw. [With an amiable smile.] I thought you would come to see the situation from my point of view. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. [Beaten.] What are you going to do? Jack Straw. At the present moment, with your permission, I am going to have a small brandy and soda. Ring the bell, Vincent. Vincent. Shall I, ma? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. [With angry resignation.] Oh, yes, ring it. Jack Straw. For your own sake, I warn you to behave with the utmost decorum before the servant. [A Footman appears. Parker-Jennings. Bring his Royal Highness a brandy and soda, James. Servant. Very good, sir. [Exit. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Oh, I wish it would choke you. Jack Straw. I’m afraid I can hold out no hope of that. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Now, look here, I’m no fool, Mr. —— I don’t know what to call you.... Jack Straw. You’ll find it’ll be more convenient to address me as you have always done. Vincent. The cheek of it! I can see myself saying sir to a damned waiter. Jack Straw. You were assuring me that you were no fool madam. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. You know just as well as we do that the last thing we want is a scandal, and you’ve got us on toast. Jack Straw. Well browned on both sides. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. If you’ll go quietly and at once we’ll give you a couple of hundred pounds. There! Jack Straw. Oh, this is a blow. To think that any one should be willing to give two hundred pounds to get rid of Vincent. They have funny tastes in the servants’ hall, I daresay. Jack Straw. You have quite a knack of saying clever things, haven’t you? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Well? Jack Straw. Madam, nothing will induce me to leave you till I have eradicated the unfortunate impression which I appear to have made on you. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Do you mean to say.... Parker-Jennings. [Interrupting.] Take care, mother. There’s James. The Footman enters with brandy and soda and glasses. Jack Straw. Be a good fellow, Vincent, and mix it for me, will you? Vincent. Certainly, sir. Jack Straw. Where do you get your brandy, Mr. Jennings? I like it very much. Parker-Jennings. It’s very good of your Royal Highness to say so. [Exit Footman. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Oh, it’s insufferable. Enter the Footman to announce. Footman. Lady Wanley. Mr. Holland. [They enter. Exit Footman. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. There you are at last! This is a pretty kettle of fish. Vincent. Mother, for heaven’s sake don’t be vulgar. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Oh, I can’t be refined now. If I’m vulgar, I can’t ’elp it. Holland. But what is the matter? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Good heavens, he’s the matter. He won’t go. Lady Wanley. What! Jack Straw. You know, it makes me feel very uncomfortable to hear you discussing me like this. Wouldn’t you like me to retire? Parker-Jennings. We’ve threatened him with the police. Holland. Well? Parker-Jennings. He just laughs at us. Vincent. We’ve even demeaned ourselves by offering him money. Holland. Of course he doesn’t want your money. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Well, ’adn’t you better suggest what he does want? Holland. Look here, Jack, you’ve made fools of the whole lot of us. Won’t you be a brick and clear out? We really are in a deuce of a scrape. Jack Straw. I am always touched by an appeal to my better nature, but in this case I propose to steel myself against your entreaties. Holland. Damn you! Jack Straw. Don’t lose your temper. You’ll only say something foolish, and I shall score off you. Holland. There’s only one thing to do, and that is to turn you out by main force. Jack Straw. That, strange as it may seem to you, has already been suggested, but I have explained to dear Mrs. Jennings the inconvenience of that course. Enter the Footman. Footman. Mrs. Withers is in her motor, madam, and wishes to know if you can see her for a moment. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Oh, I can see nobody. Jack Straw. I hope you’re not refusing to see her on my account, dear Mrs. Jennings. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. [Very affably, before the servant.] Oh no, sir. Jack Straw. I wonder if you’d very much mind her coming in. I thought her such a nice woman, I should like to see her again. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Oh, of course, if your Royal Highness wishes it.... Jack Straw. Thanks so much. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Show ’er in, James. Footman. Very good, madam. [Exit Footman. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. My own ’ouse isn’t my own now. I’m forced to see every one I don’t want to. If there’s any one I can’t bear it’s Fanny Withers. I only asked her yesterday because I thought she’d eat her ’eart out with jealousy. She’s a snob if you like. I don’t know what she wants to come here for at this hour. [To Jack Straw.] Impostor! Impostor! Jack Straw. You know, upon my word you’re all very ungrateful. I lent an Éclat to your party which has found lasting Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Adrian von Bremer—you might trouble to remember the name of your own Ambassador. Jack Straw. And when Count von Bremer came on the scene, and you were all at your wits’ end, I carried the whole thing off in a way which only my native modesty prevents me from describing as superb. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. How he didn’t find you out I don’t know. I was on pins and needles all the time he was here. Enter the Footman, followed by Mrs. Withers. Footman. Mrs. Horton Withers. [Exit. Mrs. Withers. Oh, my dear, I had to pop in just to tell you how beautifully everything went off yesterday. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. I’m glad our party had your approval. Jack Straw. How do you do, Mrs. Withers? Mrs. Withers. It’s very good of your Royal Highness to remember me. Jack Straw. It’s one of the specialities of my profession, you know. Mrs. Withers. Are you going to favour us much longer with your presence in the neighbourhood, sir? Jack Straw. If Mrs. Jennings will keep me I don’t propose to make an immediate move. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. My house is at your disposal, sir, as long as you choose to honour it. Jack Straw. Mrs. Jennings is the most amiable hostess. Don’t you think it would be nice if we took a turn in the garden, Mrs. Jennings? I’m sure Lady Wanley would like you to show her your roses. Lady Wanley. Mrs. Jennings was good enough to show them to us yesterday. Jack Straw. We have it on good authority that a thing of beauty is a joy for ever. Mr. Jennings will show them to you again to-day. Parker-Jennings. I shall be very proud and ’appy to carry out your Royal Highness’s wishes. [Jack Straw stands at the door for Lady Wanley and Parker-Jennings to go out. Jack Straw. [To Vincent.] Won’t you come? Vincent. Certainly, sir. [Mrs. Withers and Vincent go out. Jack Straw. I will join you in one moment. By the way, where is your daughter? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. She’s gone for a walk with Lord Serlo. Jack Straw. Be so good as to tell her the moment she comes in that I should be very grateful if I could see her. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. What about? Jack Straw. She’ll doubtless be able to tell you that herself after our interview. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. I’m not going to do anything of the kind. Jack Straw. You will be so good as to do what I ask, Mrs. Jennings. [Exit. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. There, you see he actually orders me about now. I’m beginning to think we shall never get rid of him. I feel that he’ll stay on here always. I can see him growing old under this roof, eating my food and drinking my wine, and sending in his tailor’s bills for Jennings to pay. And it’s all your doing. Holland. I’m very sorry. I promise you that. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. What’s the good of being sorry? The only thing you can do is to ’elp us to get rid of ’im. And it’s ruined Ethel’s chances with Serlo. He won’t look at her now. Holland. Well, I daresay that’s not much loss. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. I’m only thankful she wouldn’t ’ave anything to do with that man when we thought ’e was an Archduke. Holland. Do you know, if I were you I’d let her see him. I have an idea that when he’s had a talk with her he’ll be quite willing to go. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. What do you mean by that? Enter Ethel and Lord Serlo. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. [Very affably.] Has Ethel been taking you for a walk, dear Lord Serlo? Serlo. Yes, we’ve been for a little stroll, don’t you know. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. I do ’ope she ’asn’t tired you. She’s such a walker, ain’t you, my dear? Serlo. My idea of goin’ for a walk is sitting on a gate, don’t you know. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. And a very good idea too. That’s just what I like myself. Serlo. [Drily.] Change in the wind to-day, isn’t there? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. [Innocently.] Is there? I didn’t notice it. [Parker-Jennings comes in frantically. Parker-Jennings. Maria, he’s cutting all our prize roses for the show and giving them to Fannie Withers. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Oh! [She is just going to bolt out when Jack Straw appears with a handful of magnificent roses. Jack Straw. I say, you haven’t got a basket, have you? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. You—you—you perfect fool! Jack Straw. What have I done now? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. We were going to show those next week at the Crystal Palace. Jack Straw. I thought they were very nice. That’s why it struck me Mrs. Withers might like them. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. [Snatching them from him.] Oh! [She flounces out, followed by Parker-Jennings. Jack Straw. [Coming into the room calmly.] I’m afraid I haven’t done the right thing. Serlo. You’ve put your foot right in it this time, old man. Jack Straw. I wish I had that little book of etiquette on me. I wonder if it says anything about prize roses. [To Ethel.] I haven’t had the pleasure of saying good-morning to you yet. Serlo. You know, old man, I don’t want to seem disagreeable, but when Miss Jennings and I went for a walk we had some sort of idea that by the time we came back you’d have hooked it, don’t you know. Jack Straw. My dear Holland, I wonder if you’d do me the service of telling Mrs. Withers that dear Mrs. Jennings is putting the roses into a basket for her. Holland. [Laughing against his will.] It’s not the least use being angry with you, Jack. I’ll go by all means. [Exit. Jack Straw. There goes a man of tact. If I were a Sultan I’d make him my Grand Vizier. [He looks reflectively, but very pointedly, at Serlo. Serlo. What are you starin’ at me for? Jack Straw. I was wondering how I could suggest to you with proper delicacy that you might conveniently follow his example. Ethel. I should much prefer Lord Serlo to stay here. Jack Straw. I have matters of some importance to discuss with you. Ethel. I am sure that you have nothing to say that Lord Serlo cannot hear. Jack Straw. Very well, I will make an effort to overcome my customary modesty. Serlo. I don’t know where that comes in. You’ve got about the biggest cheek that I’ve ever come across. Jack Straw. To tell you the truth, it has been my only means of livelihood for the last four years. Ethel. What have you to say to me? Jack Straw. Couldn’t you give me a slight smile just to encourage me a little? Ethel. You force me to say what I would rather have left unsaid. I’m horrified that you should be so hatefully cruel. I think it’s infamous that you should lend yourself to a stupid practical joke. Jack Straw. My dear Serlo, won’t you—hook it? Ethel. I want him to stay. Jack Straw. It makes him feel very uncomfortable. He’s full of tact too—I’ll make him a grand vizier—and he’s feeling awfully de trop. Serlo. You needn’t bother about my feelings so much as all that, you know. Jack Straw. [To Ethel.] Won’t you hear what I’ve got to say for myself? You don’t think I care twopence about their practical joke? I came here because it was my only chance of seeing you. Ethel. What you’ve done fills me with horror and disgust. Jack Straw. Didn’t you see from the first minute that I was desperately in love with you? Serlo. I say, this really is very awkward for me. Jack Straw. You told me not to bother about your feelings. Ethel. [Unable to prevent a laugh.] You know, you’re too absurd. I know I ought to be very angry with you, but I can’t. Jack Straw. Do you remember what you said to me yesterday? Ethel. No. Jack Straw. Then I’ll remind you. You asked me to go away—because I was a royal personage. Do you still want me to go if I’m only a waiter? Ethel. I might have known that you were laughing at me all the time. Jack Straw. You know, if I had been a royal personage and disguised myself as a waiter in order to be by your side you’d have thought it very romantic. Why should it shock you when it is a waiter who for the same reason assumes the royal personage? Ethel. If you can’t see the difference it’s useless for me to tell you. Jack Straw. Won’t you marry me, Ethel? Serlo. I say, I’ve got a good mind to kick you out of the house. Jack Straw. Have you? In that case I can only congratulate myself that I’m the champion amateur boxer in Pomerania. Serlo. That complicates matters a bit, don’t it? Jack Straw. Upon my soul, I’ve never made a proposal of marriage under such embarrassing circumstances. [To Ethel.] Now, my dear, don’t be unreasonable. You practically refused me yesterday because I was an Archduke. You’re not going to refuse me now because I’m nobody in particular? Ethel. [Frigidly.] And can you give me any reason why I should accept you? Jack Straw. Well, it may have escaped your notice, but there’s the very good reason that you’re just as much in love with me as I am with you. Ethel. I? Jack Straw. Can you honestly deny it? But if you do I shall venture to disbelieve you. Ethel. It’s very easy to convince you. Lord Serlo, you were good enough to tell me yesterday that.... [She stops with a little tremor of hesitation. Serlo. By Jove, d’you mean it? Ethel. [Smiling.] I mean anything you like. Serlo. [With a low bow.] Mr. Straw, I beg to announce to you my engagement with Miss Ethel Parker-Jennings. Jack Straw. I’m still unconvinced. I’m afraid you’re incorrigibly romantic, my dear, and I’m certain your mamma will be very much annoyed. Ethel. Oh, you are too exasperating. I wish I could make you really angry. Holland runs in. Holland. I say, Jack, look out. Jack Straw. What’s the matter? Enter Mrs. Parker-Jennings, much agitated, and Parker-Jennings. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. The game’s up. It’s too late now to do anything. Holland. Von Bremer has come again. Parker-Jennings. And he’s got some one with him in his motor, who looks suspiciously like a policeman in plain clothes. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. What’s to be done? For ’eaven’s sake, don’t stand there grinning like a Cheshire cat. Ethel. [Quickly.] You won’t be arrested? Holland. Look here, there’s still time for you to get out. Enter Vincent. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Well? Vincent. Lady Wanley’s talking to him. She’ll detain him as long as she can. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Blessings on her! I’ll forgive ’er everything. Ethel. Oh, please go while you have a chance. I couldn’t bear to see you arrested. Jack Straw. Why should you care? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Now, look here. You’ve played a nasty trick on me, but you’ve got the cheek of the devil. I don’t want you to get into trouble. I don’t know what there is about you, but I can’t ’elp liking you. Jack Straw. Madam, only the importunate presence of your lord and master prevents me from hurling myself at your feet. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Oh, don’t talk stuff. I want to ’elp you to get away. Jack Straw. [With a dramatic gesture.] Madam, my mother’s only son has never fled before a foe. I will stay and face the music. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. I’m not thinking of myself now. If there is a scandal I’m rich enough to make people forget it. Serlo. I say, old man, you’d better hook it. England’s no place for you just now. Ethel. [In an undertone.] If you care for me at all, don’t run this horrible risk. Jack Straw. If you were only pressing me to stay this unanimity would be extremely flattering. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. The man’s mad. The man’s as mad as a March ’are. He ought to be shut up in a lunatic asylum. Jack Straw. I forget if Napoleon was one of my ancestors, but I feel just like him at this moment. “J’y suis, j’y reste.” Serlo. In point of fact it was MacMahon who said that. Jack Straw. [With a noble flourish.] I prefer to think it was Napoleon. Parker-Jennings. They’re just strolling along. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Then it’s too late. And it’s all got to come out before Florrie Withers. Vincent. [From the window.] I say, Lady Wanley is making him look at the roses. Holland. She is a brick; she’s gaining every moment she can. Jack Straw. By the way, talking about roses, have you had that bunch put in a basket that I cut for Mrs. Withers? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Oh, I should like to take you by the neck and strangle you. Parker-Jennings. Look out. [They all stop for a moment in a state of breathless expectation. Lady Wanley comes in with Mrs. Withers. She gasps as she sees Jack Straw. Lady Wanley. Oh, I thought you’d gone. [She is immediately followed by Adrian von Bremer. Jack Straw goes up to him very cordially. Jack Straw. Ah, my dear friend, I’ve been expecting you all the morning. [They all start. As the scene proceeds there is in every one increasing astonishment and perplexity. Von Bremer. I couldn’t come before. I have only just received the answer to my telegram. Jack Straw. Have you good news for me? Von Bremer. The best. The Emperor agrees to all your wishes. Jack Straw. Bless his old head. Von Bremer. His Majesty is all eagerness to see you again. He is expecting a letter from you by every post. [He goes up to Ethel.] Madam, I am commanded by my august master to offer you his most cordial greeting. Ethel. Me? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. I don’t know if I’m standing on my ’ead or my ’eels. Jack Straw. Then nothing remains but for me to make my declaration in due form. Mrs. Jennings, I have my grandfather’s permission to ask you for your daughter’s hand in marriage. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. [Breaking out.] But the man’s an impostor. He’s no more the Archduke Sebastian than I am. Mrs. Withers. What do you mean? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Oh, well, if you like you can ’ave it. You were there when it all started. I suppose I got out the wrong side of bed that morning, and when Mrs. Thing-a-magig, the Vicar’s wife, come up to me at the Grand Babylon Hotel, I snubbed her. I’ve been very sorry for it since, and I’ve been punished for it. They knew I was an old snob—like you, Florrie—they Mrs. Withers. [Pointing to Jack Straw.] That? Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Yes, that! He’s a waiter, that’s what he is. And for the last week I’ve been making a perfect fool of myself over ’im. Von Bremer. [Much mystified.] But—I don’t understand. I’ve known the Archduke Sebastian since he was born. Holland. You’re mistaken. This person and I were in America together. I lived with him for two years. I don’t know his real name, but he passes under that of Jack Straw. Von Bremer. But what you say is absurd. I know him as well as my own son. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. D’you mean to say he really is an Archduke? Von Bremer. Of course he is. The only mystery is how he turned up here when we’ve been hunting the whole world for the last four years to find him. Holland. But are you the Jack Straw who was with me in the States? Jack Straw. Yes. Lady Wanley. And are you the waiter of the Grand Babylon Hotel? Jack Straw. Yes. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. And are you the Archduke Sebastian of Pomerania? Jack Straw. Yes. Serlo. Well, I’m jiggered. Jack Straw. Perhaps you will allow me to explain. Four years ago I fell desperately in love with a lady whose speciality it was to kick higher than any one else in the world. She could kick a man’s tall hat off his head with such grace that I asked her to marry me. My grandfather refused to consent, and the lady was hurried over the frontier. [With a glance at Ethel.] I was a romantic dog myself in those days, and I followed her, only to find that she had already three more or less lawful husbands. The sight of them, and the conviction that her peculiar talent would not greatly add to the felicity of domestic life, cured me of my passion. But the world did seem a bit hollow and empty, and I Von Bremer. I have only to add that the Emperor, delighted with the prospect of seeing once more his favourite grandson, has gladly given his consent. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. And when I think of all the things I’ve called you these last few hours.... Jack Straw. They went in at the ear of a waiter, Madam, and slipped out at that of an Archduke. [He goes up to Ethel. Jack Straw. And now it only rests with you to give peace to an aged Emperor, satisfaction to eighty-one Archdukes, and happiness to your unworthy servant. Ethel. I am engaged to be married to Lord Serlo. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. What! I know nothing about this. Jack Straw. I knew our mamma wouldn’t be pleased. Ethel. The fact remains. Jack Straw. [Going to Serlo.] Now, my dear friend, you’ve got the chance of a lifetime. It’s quite clear to me that there’s only one course open to you. Take the centre of the stage and renounce the lady with all the moving expressions you can think of. Serlo. Look here, old man, I don’t think I quite like the way you keep on pulling my leg. Jack Straw. Put a little dignity into it, man. Serlo. I may be a blithering ass, but I can see without your tellin’ me that Ethel wouldn’t have had me at any price if she hadn’t wanted to score off you. Jack Straw. Oh, how some men throw away their chances! Strike the pathetic note, old man, or you’re done. When you’ve finished there oughtn’t to be a dry eye in the place. Serlo. Well, the fact is—it had entirely slipped my memory at the moment, but I had a letter this morning from the lady’s solicitor to remind me—I happen to be engaged to a young woman who can kick a man’s topper off too. Jack Straw. By Jove, I wonder if it’s the same one. Ethel. Why didn’t you tell me? Serlo. Well, you know, it was a bit awk when you—er.... Jack Straw. Threw yourself at his head. Ethel. [To Jack Straw with a smile.] I ought to be very angry with you. You’ve laughed at me all the time. Jack Straw. But like all women you’re very sensible at heart, and you’ll do nothing of the kind. Ethel. It’s not because I’m sensible, but because I suppose you were quite right in what you said just now. Jack Straw. Bless you! I’d throw myself down on the floor and implore you to walk on me only I’m convinced you’d take me at my word. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. [With enormous satisfaction.] I knew he was an Archduke all the time. You can’t deceive a mother. Jack Straw. [With a start.] There’s one thing I must break to you at once. Pomerania is in some ways still a barbarous country. We have a dreadful law that when a member of the royal family marries a foreigner not of royal blood, his wife’s relations are prohibited from entering it. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. I should like to see any one prohibit me from going to see my own daughter. Jack Straw. My dear lady, it grieves me infinitely to say it, but no sooner had you crossed our frontier than you would be instantly beheaded. Mrs. Parker-Jennings. Truly, sir, a barbarous country.
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