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It would be a real novelty to write a book having even the most remote reference to education without bringing this in. But lest the headline should terrify the reader with the fearful apprehension that it is my purpose to plunge once again into the bitter and apparently never-ebbing waters of religious strife, let me hasten to say that I have no such maleficent intention. In the classification of my budget of anecdotes I find I have an abundant selection of those which have arisen in connection with the daily Scripture lesson; and, as I have already said, they represent the richest harvest of all. The reasons for this I have endeavoured to set forth. It only remains for me, in submitting the following stories, to add that no irreverence is intended. There are, I know, some curiously constituted people who find offence in the most ingenuous laugh if provoked by what they deem a sacred subject. I would respectfully yet firmly adjure them not to read the stories which immediately follow.

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The Seventh Commandment—New Style.—In the first place the daily viva voce recital of the Commandments leads to quaint distortions when the youngster comes to commit to paper what he has been saying day by day for a year or so. Here are two startling variants on the Seventh of the selfsame Commandments—

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Some New Versions of the Tenth.—Here is a weird distortion of the Tenth:—

"Thou shalt not cumt thy neighbours house, thou shalt not cumt thy neighbours wife, mornin' circus, mornin' 'oss, mornin' ass, mor anything that is his."

Quaint in its way, but not so fearfully and wonderfully contrived, is the following misquotation also of the Tenth Commandment:—

"Thou shalt not covet ... nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything dangerous!"

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"Thou sha't not Bow Dean!"—Still affecting the Commandments, though a story of another colour, is the following:—

In a village in Yorkshire dwelt the two granddaughters of a former vicar. These good ladies often met in the streets the children who attended the village school. On such occasions they expected the latter to acknowledge them—the boys by raising their hats and the girls by curtseying. Now one sturdy urchin often disregarded the ladies, and they accordingly spoke to his father respecting his conduct. The parent questioned the boy, and soon found out that the complaint laid against him was true. On being asked why he did not lift his cap, the culprit replied, "Ah dean't think ah ou't ta dea sa. Dean't us larn at t' skeal, 'Thou sha't not bow dean ta ony graven image'?"

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In Braid Yorkshire.—The diocesan inspector was questioning a class of boys about the story of Joseph as a slave, interpreter, &c., and incidentally asked the following question: "What did Joseph's father think when the brothers brought Joseph's coat covered with blood?" The reply of a small boy quite upset the official's gravity: "Please, sir, he thought a coo had tupped him!"

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On Bread and Chicken.—Imagine the surprise of the schoolmistress when a little lad, in giving his version of the "Temptation," informed her that Christ partook of bread and chicken in the wilderness. Judicious questioning elicited the fact that the young hopeful had based his opinion upon two extracts: "Man shall not live by bread alone," and "Get the hens, Satan!"

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Three Evils.—It was the annual Scripture examination, and the inspector was questioning a class upon the Catechism. "It was promised for you in your baptism," said the official inquisitor, "that you would fight against three great evils. Tell me what they are." "My godfathers and godmothers," was the reply of one youth.

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In the Application thereof.—The school had been closely questioned by the inspector in Scripture, and at last a bright idea seemed to strike him, for he said: "Suppose Christ came into this room now and offered to perform a miracle for you, what would you ask him to do?" There was silence for some moments, and then up went a hand. The inspector asked for a reply, which was: "Cast out a devil, sir!"

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A Baste but not a Bull.—The following occurred in a Dublin school during the Scripture lesson:—"What does the Bible say will happen to the proud?" asked the examiner. "Please, sir, they will become animals," replied one bright little chap. "Oh, that's a curious answer. What text have you to prove it?" queried the interrogator. "He that humbleth himself shall be exalted, and he that exalteth himself shall be a baste!" promptly replied one of the youngest of Ould Oireland's hopefuls.

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The Flesh Pots.—A class was in the habit of singing at close of school the well-known Grace: "These creatures bless," &c. Having some doubts as to the accuracy of the words being sung by one boy, the master asked him to repeat them. He was not a little astonished to hear recited the words—

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Overheard in the Playground.—Small lad to a friend: "I say, Jack, what do you think our teacher told us this morning?" "I dunno." "Well, he said there was once a man going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and as he was going the thorns sprang up and choked him!"

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Samivel, Beware!—Inspector: "Why was Elisha sorry when the Shunamite's son was dead?" Ingenious lad, who has just been devouring Mr. Pickwick: "Because he didn't like being left alone with a widow." (Inspector smiled.)

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Some Unfamiliar Exhortations.—Children, as I have said, often get hold of the wrong words in prayers and hymns. For instance, one child was heard to pray: "Forgive me all that I have done on Christmas Day" (amiss this day). Another was heard to plead: "And give us an eagle" (and deliver us from evil). While a third after meals repeated: "Let manners to us all be given" (Let manna to our souls be given).

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Noah's First Task.—At a recent Scripture examination the examiner asked the following question in the infants' class: "What was the first thing Noah did when he came out of the Ark?" A tiny girl put up her hand, and on being asked, said: "Please, sir, he buried all the drownded people."

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Why a Doorkeeper?—Teacher: "What did David mean when he said he'd rather be a doorkeeper of the House of the Lord?" Boy: "Because, if he was a doorkeeper, he could walk about outside while the sermon was being preached."

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A Question of a Main Drainage.—Subject: Scripture lesson on "The Flood." Teacher had explained how it rained and rained until the tops of the highest hills were covered. Pupil of inquiring mind suddenly puts up her hand and asks: "Teacher, wern't there no sinks?"

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An Altogether Unexpected Reply.—A teacher who had given a lesson on the Birth of Christ and the Virgin Mary was proceeding to question the children, and asked: "Who was the mother of Jesus?" To her great astonishment, a small girl chirped out: "Please, m', the blessed bird canary!"

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The Little "Down-along's" Dove.—The inspector was examining a class of Westcountry infants, and had asked: "When our Lord was baptised, what bird came down on His head?" One little Devonshire dumpling at once retorted: "Please, sir, a little yeller-hammer, sir!"

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The Part that Never Dies.—During a Scripture lesson a teacher of little dots was greatly surprised upon asking: "What part of you is it that never dies?" to receive from an excited youngster, "The Holy Ghost."

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Who was Sorry?—A class was being questioned on the prodigal son's return. The teacher: "Who was sorry when the prodigal son returned?" Little Boy (after deep thought): "The fatted calf, sir."

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About Eli.—Teacher: "Tell all you know of Eli." Small Girl: "Eli was a very old man, and Eli was very sick and Eli brought up Samuel."

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A Homely View.—Head mistress: "What was the first thing that the little boy Samuel did when he got up in the morning?" Cheery little mother: "Please, mum, he carried up a cup of tea to Eli!"

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Mixed.—A small boy, who had been reading about Sir Walter Raleigh and the Virgin Queen, in writing of Elijah, said: "As Elijah went up to Heaven he dropped his mantle, and Queen Elizabeth walked over it."

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"I Believe."—"Write down what you are saying," said a teacher once to a pupil who with others was reciting the Apostles' Creed. "Suffered under Pontius Pilate," came out "Suffered under bunch of violets!" At the little village school of Bonchurch, Isle of Wight, it was once set down "Suffered under Bonchurch Pilot!"

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"And to bed you go."—"Tell us a story, please," said the little ones once to their teacher on Friday afternoon. She, consenting, asked whether they wanted a new one or an old one. "Cinderella," said one; "Aladdin," asked another. Then from a rather heavy boy, "I want the tale of Citrate of Magnesia and to bed you go." She paused in complete obfuscation. Then a sharp little girl said: "That's wrong, governess, it wasn't Citrate of Magnesia, but it was to bed you go, and they were all in the fire and not burnt." The teacher recognised the Bible incident of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego!

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What Happened.—Scene: Class of infants and Standard I. Time: Scripture lesson. Teacher, impressively (to children anxiously watching—in imagination—the development of an old-world tragedy): "Then Abraham having bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, took the knife in his hand—when lo!—What happened?" Big dunce from the gallery (in a voice hoarse with excitement and pent-up feeling): "Hisaac 'ollered out."

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Biblical Cricket.—The vicar recently came down to distribute the prizes to the successful athletes at the school sports. In his prefatory remarks, he mentioned that games were not unknown even in scriptural times, and asked if any boy could furnish a text to prove this. "Yissir," said one urchin, "our Lord said to a team of His disciples when they was agoing to play in a cricket match: 'Beware of the 'leven of the Pharisees.'"

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The One Thing Necessary.—Venerable Archdeacon: "Now, my dear children, I will ask you a few questions in your Catechism. Which of you can tell me the two things necessary in Baptism?" "Quite right, 'Water.' Water is one thing, and what is the other? What! can none of you think what else is necessary? Well, little girl, what do you say?" Little Girl: "Please, sir, a baby."

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Division of Labour.—The subject of a Scripture lesson to a class of girls in Standards V. and VI. happened one day to be the Resurrection. Whether the curate, fresh from the 'Varsity, failed to make the matter interesting because of faulty arrangement of matter or indifferent method is not recorded. But the girls did not show much attention while the changes which are to come to our vile bodies were being tabulated. So, turning to one girl more conspicuously inattentive than the rest, the curate sharply asked: "Mary Jane! who made your vile body?" "Please, sir, mother made the body and I made the skirt," replied Mary Jane.

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Taking the Bones.—A curate had been talking diligently for half an hour to a class of school children, but their attention was not very freely given. The subject was "The Doings of the Children of Israel," and very special mention had been made of how they had been commanded to take the bones of Joseph with them when they made their exodus from the land of Egypt. Suddenly pouncing upon one boy who was particularly inattentive, the curate said: "Whose bones did the children of Israel take with them out of Egypt, Sam?" Sam was nonplussed for a moment, then a brilliant idea struck him, and his answer came out triumphantly: "Their own!"

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Moses and the Burning Bush.—The teacher was one morning giving a lessen on "Moses and his talk with God," introducing, of course, the mystery of the burning bush not being consumed, and laying particular stress on the reverent attitude of Moses in taking off his shoes before approaching the sacred place. At the close of the lesson the teacher questioned his pupils to gauge their interest, and among other queries he submitted the following: "Why did Moses take off his shoes before approaching the bush?" Judge of his consternation when he received the following reply from a little fellow of eight years: "Please, sir, to warm ees feet!"

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Clever Teacher.—The vicar of a Somerset parish was noted for his extremely precise enunciation. He was in the habit of taking the Scripture lessons in the village school, and had spent some time on "The Lives of the Patriarchs." One morning he questioned a class upon the story of Jacob. "What did Isaac tell Jacob to do when he left home after obtaining the blessing?" asked the vicar, pointing to a dull, big boy. "He told un to pay the man, zur," was the response. "To pay the man!" replied the vicar wonderingly; "what man?" "Please, zur, I doant 'zacly remember what his other name were, but 'twere Dan somebody or other." The vicar lost the point of the answer; but the teacher, with keen appreciation, quoted softly to herself, "Arise, go to Pa-dan-aram," and she thought the boy was not wholly to blame for thinking that Dan Aram was a man, and ought to be paid.

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Rough on the Deacon.—"Explain," said the teacher, "all you can about the words Bishop, Priest, and Deacon." "I never saw a Bishop," wrote one hopeful. "A Priest is a man in the Old Testament, and a Deacon is a thing you pile up on the top of a hill and set fire to it!"

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The Thirteenth Apostle.—The question was: "How many Apostles were there?" "Thirteen," said one little chap. "Thirteen!" repeated the teacher in astonishment. "I thought there were only twelve!" "St. Matthew," replied the boy, "tells us the names of twelve, and St. John gives us the name of the other one—Verily, that Jesus used to talk to so much."

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