T. J. Macnamara

A policeman passes.

SMITH MINOR, aged 9: "I shall be a bobby when I grow up!"

SMITH MAJOR, aged 11: "No! my dear child. You'll never have the feet for it!"

The curious workings of the child-mind are nowhere more conspicuously illustrated than in the little essays and "pieces of composition" which they are set to write. Of course many of the children in the poorer elementary schools possess only a very limited and very primitive vocabulary. Hence, when they adventure upon rather long and unfamiliar words—conscientiously trying to reproduce what they have just heard the teacher say in the general verbal description of the story to be committed by them to paper—they often achieve fantastic results. But far more interesting is the fresh and original view of a given situation which emerges. Far more interesting, too, are the homely wit and the shrewd wisdom which these wholly delightful little efforts display. Let these attest.

"It would be worth it."—"What would you do with £5?" having been set to a class of girls, the following was one of the forthcoming replies: "Dear Teacher,—If I had five pounds of my very own to do just what I like with, I should go on a railway journey and pull the alarm signal and just see what really would happen. Of course the five pounds would go to pay the fine; but I think it would be worth it.—I remain your loving ——."

Man's Cleverness.—In a composition on Man a boy wrote, among other things: "Man is the only animal that can strike a light, and also he is the only animal that blows his nose."

Why they Punch the Ticket.—In a piece of composition on "A Railway Journey" a girl writes: "You have to get a ticket, which is a piece of paper, and you give it to a man, who cuts a hole in it to let you pass through."

Gunpowder Plot.—"Gunpowder plot," wrote a nine-year-old youngster, "died in the year 1603. They gave Guyfawlks 100 of pounds for to blow up the parlament. Gunpowder plot married Sir Philp Sidny. Gunpowder plot had a battle with Guyfawlks. Guyfawlks wone the battle."

Should make a Good Journalist.—The other day I told my class (Standard VII.) to write me an account of an imaginary expedition to the North Pole. Here is an extract from one paper: "At last, we reached the North Pole. We sailed into the harbour and went to see the town!"

Concerning the Pig.—Standard V. Boy: "A pig when living has four legs, but when you kill it the butcher says it only has two, because he calls the front legs shoulders and the back legs are called hams. Ham tastes nice, and they boil it to eat at a wedding. The missus sprinkles little bits of toast on it to make it look pretty."

Concerning Hares (Standard III. Composition).—"Young hairs are called leveretts. Hairs sleep much. They always sleep with their eyes open. Hairs have no eyelashes. Their four legs are shorter than their hind legs. Their ear-ring is remarkably good. Hairs pass their lives in soletude and silents. They are often hunted on horseback and by hownds."

On "An Insect."—"An insect's body is made up of ringed segments. When we tread on beetles we hear them crack, that is the segments. Insects have not red blood it is a sort of white liquid squas a fly and you will see what colour blood it has. The fly likes to lay its eggs in meat where the maggots will have food for she must die soon and will not be able to feed her brood."

The Camel (by a beginner).—"Its nest is a very mean one, made of twigs, leaves, &c. It has a large body, and it is able to carry it full of water. It has two humps of fat on its back, on which it is able to feed when it is hungry. Its feet are webbed, in which it is able to cross the desert. Its air is used to make brushes which are used for painting. It also lays eggs. It eats worms."

The Salvation Army (Standard IV.).—"The Salvation Army is mostly on the street. The women in it cover up all their hair with funny sorts of bonnets that stick out in front to keep the rain off their faces. Sometimes they have names on their hats like sailors. They make a deal of noise the worsed two is called captain and leftennant. They tell people about Jesus and make collections."

Gibraltar.—"Gibraltar is a strait on the west coast of France. It is famous for a beautiful rock. It is about one mile wide and five miles long. The English people took Gibraltar, and they placed a great many big guns there. There are a great many people at Gibraltar called apes. And the other people are very proud of them because they are the only apes in Gibraltar. It is said they came from America."

Alcohol and the Blood.—"Of what is our blood composed, and what effect has alcohol upon it?" This was the question. The following is the written answer: "It is made up of five million red insects and one thousand white ones to every drop of blood. If alcohol is taken it causes these insects to dry up and die and come to the front of the body. Sometimes it is from this cause that people who drink alcohol are red in the face."

The Ancient Britons.—It was the first year of compulsory composition, and Standard III. were asked to reproduce a lesson on the Ancient Britons in their own words. One young hopeful wrote: "The acient britons had no close on, they painted a wode on there body and it kept them a bit warm, there chief men was called druids and my farther is one, they call them acient britons becose it is a long time since."

Perseverance. [Essayist aged 10.]—"Were theirs a will theirs a way. This is a very old proverb that has to do with what I'm writing. If we nearly always succeed we always is getting on, but if we don't succeed, we should try till we dose and then we should do it again which is a very wise way to persever. People who sits down never gets on and People who gets on dont sit down. We should all get on because it is the best thing to do at all times. We will have trails (trials?) but we must try again until them trails is gone."

Touching Bread.—The exercise was, "Write an essay on Bread." The following was the result: "Bread is made with flour and barm and is very useful. It is used for the people to eat and feeds them right. The bread gets cheapper every year sometimes. The bread as raised this year. But the people says it is getting the right weather. The bread is needed up by men and women. It is best when the men make the bread. Some of the women says that brown bread is good for their health. Bread is sometimes used for bread potises. Bread is a useful food escpecially the crust. But crust is the best for to make peoples hair curel. Bread is used for making sop for children. The bread is made with flour, barm, and water."

A Japanese Lad's Diary.—This is an extract from a diary kept by a Japanese boy who, when he wrote it, was a pupil of an English school in China. The boy was sixteen years of age, and had been studying English for two and a half years:—"19th January.—I was up before the school's clock struck six. On going to the washing chamber I found that the day was not very severe. I went to my cover (cupboard) and obtained the soap and sponge; the water was not so cold as previous days, but as usual when I finished washing my fingers lost sense. I dressed myself and rang the bell at 7 o'clock punctually. At about 10 minutes past 7 Mr. A. wanted me. He wished me to descend the stairs and command the boy (chief house servant) to attend to him and also to see whether the fire was made in the studio. I obeyed implicity, but just as I was descending the stairs I caught sight of the boy, so immediately told him to go to Mr. A.; the fire was already made in downstairs. I rang the second bell and went into the dormitory to see all the boys. They were then all out of beds and dressing, there was nobody late. The bell was rang at 8 o'clock and we had finished our repast at half past. The school bell was rang at quarter to nine and Mr. B. took us in. The head master then came down. I learned copying, mathematics, algebra, composition. Our ball was fix by the Tiffin time, so we blew it up and had a fine game. The school began again at two. Shorthand, book-keeping, grammar, were the subjects of that afternoon. At four all the scholars came out. The football was then in the playground, attended by several boys. I joined in with Mr. A. who sided with me. A French-school lad appeared at the gate and was discussing with Brown. I did not know what were they disputing until Brown called me and told that he came as a messenger from the above school to say that they like to challenge us to play football. I thought it would be very pleasant to have a game with them so I said we will be able to accept the challenge. We thought it well to take Mr. A. and Mr. B., and told them about it. The messenger went away to make enquiry about it. I went with him and ask if they agree willingly, they told me they should have Mr. C. if we take the above two. I came home and diffused among the fellows that I have heard. Brown said that it would be much better to withhold Mr. A. and B., but I gave no answer to it. The evening came. A friend called upon me, and said that he was going to bestow upon me his photo. I accompanied him, and was delighted at the receipt of his image. I came home with it, and delighted to hear the dinner-bell. At half past seven our dinner was over, and I rang the night school-bell. All came into the studio (school) and did their work. At nine o'clock I went up and jumped into bed to become oblivious."

An Essay on an Election.—During a recent District Council election a great deal of enthusiasm was shown in this place. Two days after a teacher gave her class (Standard VII.) an essay to write on "An Election." The essay which follows is a complete and word-for-word copy of the effort of one of the girls in the class: "An election means two things. First, the voice of the people spoken by choosing the most eligible person or persons to represent their creed, requirements, or grievances. Secondly, an election means lies, treachery, hypocrisy, drunkenness, anxiety, disappointment, and glorification. God save us from having another for twelve months."

A Hat's Autobiography.—"Fancy yourself an old hat," said the teacher. "Now write about yourself." Result: "I am an old hat telling you all about me. I am trimmed with velvet, and when any one take me out the people stand in the doorway laughing at me, and I am not pleased with them. I dont turn sulky like some boy's and girls do when any one call them. My hat is trimmed with green velvet, satan, flowers, cherries, and a large hostrige feather. When I go out the cherries in my hat tieses the birds. I was bought in a large hat shop in leeds. I was bought in a shop down briggate. It cost more than six shillings. I think I have told you all I know, and so I will say no more at present."

At the Menagerie.—"Describe," said the teacher, "in a letter to a friend, your visit yesterday to the menagerie." Here is one of the letters: "Dear Fred,—About a week ago I went to a manajery in our town. The price to pay was tuppence and it was well worth the money. Their were a great number of animals. The animals what made the biggest row was the Kings of the beasts and a wild cat they had got. Their were a cage full of monkeys which was doing funny tricks, some was catching fleas and eating them. Their was a Elephant and a Kamel that give rides for a penny. Stodgy Mathers tumbled of and made his nose bleed, he did howl. There was various kinds of birds, such as the vulture, the Golden eagle and kangaroo, besides macaws and other ferocious animals. There was an horse. It had a main 13 feet long worth £10000. The man what entered the Lions den was the tamer. He was dressed in tites. When he went in he closed the door quick for fear they should spring out and devour the people. He soon made the lions do whatever they like. Lions are ferocious animals. The colour of the lion is yellow, also brown, though some are also red. Tigers are no use only to eat up men and called the maneater, likewise women and little babys, besides others. If a man was to meet a tiger in a lonely forest he would never forget it. The elephant is remarkable for its prodijous strenth. Its trunk is useful to drink up and eating. Their was also a policeman at the door to keep disordered people and children out of mischief. Policemen are useful things when on duty. The colour of them is blue with a big helmet on. In a cage up a corner sat a grilla eating, and which its teeth is very sharp, and its claws. I saw some lepords and a zebra and a funny lobsided thing called a giraf. I saved my penny and bought some nuts which I gave the monkeys. One big faced fellow was so greedy he swallowed one of my nuts whole and it nearly choked him. He rubbed his stummick and choked and grasped for breath until the tears rolled down his cheeks. I thought I should die laughing. Greediness never prospers. I also witnessed a fight between an hyeena and a wolf. Wolfs is ferocious animals. It was amusing to watch two monkeys fighting over a ginger bread. The biggest caught the other by the tail and dropped him on the floor with a crash on his head. I left then and went home and had a good tea.—your respectably, ——."

On Government.—The exercise was an essay "On Government"—after, of course, a little disquisition by the teacher. The result:—"Our country has a King who can't do anything but what he ought to. There were Georges I., II., III., and IV., but there was eight Henrys. There is also houses called the Houses of Parliament. One of these is full of lords, called the House of Lords, but the other is only built for them gentlemen as perhaps you have seen some of them and it is called the House of Common. No gentlemen can get in there unless they know as he can make laws. But the King has to look them over and see as they are made right. These Commons are called Conservatives and Liberals, and they try and hinder one another as much as they can. They sometimes have sides, and then you see it on the plackards, and you can hear men and your fathers a talking quarrelling about it. Our country is governed a lot better than France, and Germany comes about next. Then there's a lot of others, and then comes Persia. Our country allways comes first, whoever you like to ask."

Babies.—"Write me a piece of composition on Babies," said the teacher. Here is a boy's effort on, to him, an obviously uncongenial topic:—"Babys are little red things without bones nor teeth. They have various sises, but just after they are borned, they are called bypeds; their bones are grisle. They are 2 sects, male and female; and are also very fat. When very young they do not have much hair; so you cannot tell wether they will turn into boys or girls until their hair grows. They are always asleep only when crying. They feed them on milk, or chue a injyrubber tit, also their thum. When they are very little, they ware pettycoats same as girls; but boys soon wear jacket and trowsers. Girls are softer than boys, so they have to keep on wearing pettycoats, frocks, and &c., all their lives. Some babys have to be borned, and the doctor brings some, when the people have got plenty of money. Women and girls go silly over babys, and kiss them all over, and say silly things. That's why girls have dolls when they haven't any little brothers. Everybody as to be a baby first. Once, before I can remember, I was a little baby. Mother says, when I had my furst trowser suit on, she put me on the table in frunt of the looking glass, and when I seen myself in the mirrow, I screamed out, 'Take them off!' 'Take them off!' 'It isnt me! It isnt me!' and they had to take them off. That's all I know about babys."

Rival Views.—One day, recently, a teacher gave for composition to the boys and girls in the upper standards an essay on "Boys" (for the girls) and "Girls" (for the boys). The following extracts represent fairly accurately the general tone of the opinions expressed by both sides respectively:—

Concerning "Boys."—"Boys are mischievous and jolly ... some are gentle."—"They dress differently from each other.... Many boys are very lazy."—"Most boys are very clever.... They are very clumsy and clodhoppers."—"Some of the boys play very roughly and clumsily. They run about and step on each other's feet.... They do not very often agree."—"The boys talk more than the girls."—"Very few are gentle."—"Boys are male people."—"They are not much use to help their mothers in house-work."—"Their mothers put them nice and tidy, but some of them go and get ragged again."

Concerning "Girls."—"Most girls are very shy and angry."—"They sew and darn the boys' stockings."—"Their work is tidy and clean."—"They talk very silently."—"They have thin, weak voices."—"Girls dress up about mid-day, and go out, while the poor boys are hard at work."—"Girls have a kind of false pride about them. A girl will have feathers and flowers in her hat just to show off."—"Most of them are tall and delicate, and they have long legs and little tiny voices."—"Some girls have their hair frizzed up and some wavered."

The Whale (by a ten-year-old).—"The Whale is not called a fish, because it is so big, so it is called a creature. They eat cockles and worms and jellies, and people catches the whales with a fishing rod or a net, they have to let the rope out so the whale dies for loss of breath. The whales swim in shols [shoals] and they have a tarpoon at the end of their tails, when he moves his tail, with one blow he will smash the side of the ship. It has a very big head, and two fins or flappers, on one side of its body. Whales got to come up out of the water on to the land for to breath with their mouths, if he sees any people about he will swallow them up for he has very big jar bones, and strong teeth called whaleboners. Fishmongers catches whales an sail them. Some people eat whales with salt and piper and bread, and some with potatoes. If you keep a whales head under water he will die for want of breath. When they have finished with the whale they send it adrift to get some more spern oil."

A Pat Answer.—The following story was read to a class of girls to be reproduced as a composition exercise:—"A gentleman was out driving in a dog-cart with his coachman, who was an Irishman, when the horse took fright and bolted. The coachman did his best, but it was evident that the beast had got beyond his control. 'Pat,' said the gentleman, 'I'd give five pounds to be out of this trap.' 'Yer honour needn't be so extravagant; ye'll be out of it for nothing presently!' He had scarcely finished speaking when the wheel was caught by a heap of stones at the roadside, and both men were shot over the hedge into an adjoining field." "Now, girls," said the teacher, "three marks extra for the most suitable title for this story." Up went a forest of hands, and many and varied, if somewhat commonplace, were the titles suggested. But a comical twist on the face of a grey-eyed little Irish maiden in the front row took the teacher's attention. "Well, Norah, what title do you suggest?" "A cheap outing!" said Norah demurely.

On Smoking.—The following is an essay by a Standard V. boy. It was written after a lecture by Dr. —— on the Evils of Smoking: "Boys wish to be manly in their ways and habbits, this is right but in some ways it is wrong because in somethings which men does is not for boys to do. Somethings which men does might not hurt them but it would hurt boys. One thing is harmful to both men and boys or women that is bad language it is a dreadful thing to hear women children and men using bad language in all of the earth. But there is another bad habit of which boys follow the example of men and this is a very harmful habit to boys and to most men as well as boys. This habit is smoking with tobacco which in the British Isle is carry on very much both with men and children and sometimes women. Every time you go out if it is only just outside the door you see men or boys smoking. Now when you are smoking people say they have a stinging taste on their tongue if they only knew what this taste is I am sure they would never smoke again for if you was to tell them the number of gases which contained in tobacco they would immediately take out their tobacco and pipe or cigarettes and throw them away. For in the tobacco is a number of poisonous gases which when the smoke is indulge into the mouth the different poisons run to certain parts of the body, some gases go to lungs and others to liver and to the heart and nerves and brain and sometimes it iffects the mind and hearing. The names of some of these gases are hydrogen, prussic acid gas and carbonic acid gas and nicotine which is the most iffectable on the body and another of them called sulpherette carbonic gas. Smokers are always liable to indigestion which is brought on by these gases which is performed in smoking, besides these gases is another which is known as monoxine. If you ask a athlette if smoking was good for him he would tell plump no it is not for it shortens the wind and makes the muscles feeble. Another thing it deases your body and brings on heart desease. It is bad for a man to smoke but it is worst to a growing lad for it injures the growth and makes your limbs shakey. Boys who smoke when they are young never occasionully live a long life, nor never grow to height because it shivers (i.e. shrivels) up your liver and bye and bye you have none at all and then you die and it brings on cancer which is another dead desease."

What Constitutes a Gentleman. [Standard VII.]—"People sometimes think that when men are dressed in nice clothes they are gentlemen but that is not the case, a gentleman is a man who knows his manners. Down in the West End and City there are great swells, but people think that because they have nice clothes they are swells, but some are more like pigs. We might see a tramp walking along a street who as hardly no boots nor clothes but very likely he has his manners. A real gentleman ought to know his manners, and also not to swear. A gentleman might be walking along a street and meet a young lady, he would go up to her and raise his hat, and say, good evening dear come along a me she would and when he left her he would say good night darling, and ask her to meet him at so-an-so."

That Half-holiday.—A thirteen-year-old's description of a Thursday half-holiday:—"'Pooh, talk about hot weather, I'm nearly suffocated. This the exclamation of Fred Brown, one day after dinner. 'Why,' said Tom, 'its Thursday. I only just thought of it. Where shall we go?' There was silence for a few minutes, then Alf Jones said: 'Let us hire a boat and row to Marlow, we can take tea.' A hamper was duly packed and carried down to the river. A boat was procured, it was in rather a bad condition, but it was the best to be had. They tossed up as to who should steer, and it fell to Tom, who knew as much about steering as a hipopotamus. They divested themselves of their coats and settled down to work. All went well utell they had gone about half a mile they went bang into some rushes, much to the anoyance of the frogs. When they looked round for damage they caught sight of Tom's hat float calmly down the stream. Of course the owner had to rescue it. They extricated themselves after a while, and resumed the journey without any very terrible accident, of course catching crabs is nothing. When they had been rowing for about a hour in the hot sun, they thought Marlow a bit too far for them, so they landed on an island with some nice trees on it, with the intention of having tea. They set to work to get out the hamper from the boat. The spirit bottle, pulled out of a heap of sandwiches, into which it had fallen, was found to be half full of water, and the spirit gone and everything else was thoroughly soaked. At Fred Brown's suggestion the sandwiches were put in the sun to dry. When they were 'cooked' they sat down to a tealess tea with good appetites. Tom Smith took a sandwich and had a good mouthful of it, but it did not stay in his mouth long he said it tasted like a lump of methylated spirit, so nobody had any tea. They thought it was time to get back. It was a fairly easy time going back, they were going with the stream. They went home and had some supper, presently Fred Brown began to groan, when they asked him what was the matter he said, 'I—I only dr-drank some s-spirit and water, I th-thought it was le-lemonade, O—O.' Next morning everybody agreed that they had thoroughly enjoyed themselves."

The Lion.—"The lion is the king of all animals. It is very fierce. Lion has very big pause. It has a dark brown skin. It is got a peace of heir on its tale and all round its next. The lion life on men and other things. When the lion is young it is called a cube. The lion are mostly found in woulds out in other parts of the world. There life are very unsafe because hunter go out killed them. The lion is very useful. Its skin is used for making firs and other thing. Its tees are very useful. The lion is used for showes. It is used in Inder."

A Shipwreck.—"A shipwreck is an awful thing for sometimes you get wet and sometimes you get dround and sometimes you get burnt but the last is the worst. Once a big lyner got upset with a mortal wound in her side but all the people was saved bar one and he got eat. Sharks and whales feed on dead bodies and sometimes they eat them alive. We should never eat fish what eat us because their canybals just like savages. Sailors catch sharks with a leg of pork and a thick string which they cut up for whalebone bone and blubber to make train oil."

The Camel.—"He is called the ship of the desart because he runs over the sand like a ship and dont sink in. He runs different to the horse because he lifts up two legs on one side of his body and then two on the other. He has about a hundred stumics and each holds about a quart so when his master kills him he can have a good drink. His hump is made of fat and he eats this when he cant get grass or hay. Some camels are not camels because he has two humps and his hair dont grow all over him and were it dont is called calluses [callosities] because it kneels down and wears away. The Arab loves his steed better than his wife and in our books theres a piece about him called the Arab and his steed. His master was a prisoner and his faithful camel took him round the waist and bore him swiftly to his morning friends."

The Crusades.—"The crusades were a body of men women and children who followed the red cross. They were invented by Richard the I and flocked in thousands round him to go to Egypt and some were stricken with deadly disease but they marched on. Then they began to lessen in number and fell gradually under the burning sands of Egypt and laden heavy with heavy armour. At last Peter the Hermit cited Cairo but the Catholicks bore down on him and he retreated. After travelling about for many weary months he joined an opera company and was afterwards buried in Westminster Abbey."

About the Interjection.—"An interjection is a shout or something said by a person too surprised or pained or frightened to make a sentence of his thoughts. It is not quite a human language. The lower animals say nothing else but interjections. Accordingly, ill-natured and cross people by their interjections come very near to beasts."

Concerning Robert.—"Policemen are men who are employed by the Government, to control the boys, ruffians, and all individuals which annoy or illuse the public. The boys politely term them 'coppers,' the burglars 'cops' or 'narks.' The cooks are very fond of him, and call him 'dear Robert,' and now they are going 'on strike' cooky will mourn, and the uneaten rabbit-pie will go into the dustbin, and there will be quite a gloom over the kitchens of Belgravia. There will be no kissing over the railings, and if Bobby don't keep his eyes open Tommy Atkins will collar the cake. Policemen must be over or a certain size, and must have (I believe) big pedular extremities, as all policemen's feet seem to be large. They have a fÊte, not foot, once a year, and then cooky gets a day off. Then they have kiss-in-the-ring, and other games, which introduce a mutual contraction of the Orbicularis Oris."

What I shall do in the Holidays.—"What I expect to do in my holidays is the greater part of the time to mind the baby. Two years and a-half old. Just old enough to run into a puddle or to fall downstairs. Oh! what a glorious occupation! my aunt or Sunday-school teacher would say, but it is all very well for them, they ought to have a turn with him. I am going to have a game at tying doors, tying bundles of mud in paper and then drop it on the pavement. I shall buy a bundle of wood and tie a piece of cord to it, and when someone goes to pick it up, lo! it has vanished—not lost, but gone before. I shall go butterfly catching, and catch some fish at Snob's Brighton (Lea Bridge). I shall finish up by having a whacking, tearing my breeches, giving a boy two black eyes, and then wake up on Monday morning refreshed and quite happy to make the acquaintance of Mr. ——'s cane." The following, written a little later, will convince every London teacher that R.H. had practised fishing in the New River:—"Man goes fishing, takes his rod and enough tackle to make a telegraph wire and starts on his piscatorial expedition. He arrives, and happy man is he if he has not forgot something, a hook, his bait, or his float. He sits there, apparently contented; he catches a frog or some other fine specimen of natural history, and a cold, and a jolly good roasting from his bitter half, when he arrives with some mackerel which he had bought at the fishmonger's. He, poor man, did not know that they were sea-fish, but his wife did. When juveniles go fishing they take a willow, their ma's reel of best six-cord, a pickle jar, and a few worms, and proceed to the New River happy. When they arrive they catch about fifty (a small thousand they call it), and are thinking of returning home, when a gent with N. R. on his hat, and a good ash stick in his hand, comes up. 'Ullo there,' says he, 'what are you doing there?' 'Fishing, sir,' answer they meekly. The man then takes away their fish and rod, gives them some whales instead (on their back). And they return home sadder but wiser boys."