T. J. Macnamara

TEACHER: "Name the head of the English Church."

ALFRED THE SMALL: "The Archipelago of Canterbury!"

I shall endeavour, as far as possible, to classify my collection of stories. And in pursuance of this purpose I cannot, perhaps, do better than start out with some quaint definitions.

With a Ring of Triumph.—A class of infants was being taught a recitation in which the word "battledore" occurred. The teacher asked if any child knew the meaning. Only one child raised his hand, and, with a ring of triumph in his voice, gave the answer: "A door what a soldier comes out of."

"What they Call a Watershed."—Asked to write a definition of "A Watershed" one potential Christopher Columbus wrote: "A watershed is a thing that when the soil in part of a river stands straight up on one side and slants tremendously the other side, the water is obliged to go up the soil on one side and come slanting down the other side—that is what they call a watershed."

A New View of the Constitution.—"A Limited Monarchy," wrote a small boy, "is a government by a monarchy, who in case of bankruptcy would not be responsible for the entire national debt. In private life you have the same thing with a Limited Liability Company."

Concerning the Heretic.—"A Heretic," wrote a practical young person, "is one who never would believe what he was told, but only after seeing it and hearing it himself with his own eyes."

Not so Far Out.—"The Court of Chancery," wrote another, "is called this because they take care of property there on the chance of an owner turning up."

Short Title and Description.—"The Five Mile Act was passed," according to one youthful historian, "by Queen Victoria to prevent loafing and drunkenness in public-houses. People must prove that they had travelled five miles before they would be supplied with beer and spirits. This made people ashamed to get so drunk as before." The youthful essayist is clearly muddling "the bona fide traveller" clause with the provisions of a much more ancient statute.

Rough on the Barber.—Teacher (after class had read of St. Paul's adventures among the "barbarians of Melita"): "What is a Barbarian?" Pupil: "A man who cuts hair, sir!"

A New Axiom.—In the Euclid lesson the teacher asked, after explaining the meaning of An Axiom, if a boy could give one of his own. A lad replied: "When you are in the middle you are half-way over." And who shall say him nay?

A Mediator.—"Well, John," asked the master, "what is a Mediator?" John's face beamed knowingly: "A fellow who says hit me instead!" he promptly retorted.

B.A.!—During a reading lesson, taken from Standard III. Historical Reader, the pupil teacher asked what the letters "B.C." represented. On receiving the answer "Before Christ," she ventured to improve the opportunity by asking for the meaning of other abbreviations, amongst which was B.A. A little girl at once said: "Before Adam!"

Etc.!—"What do we imply when we use this abbreviation?" asked the teacher. "It is a sign," said a young one very sententiously, "which is used to make believe you know more than you really do!"

"Painted on the Water-carts."—"What is a Martyr?" asked the inspector. "A water-cart." "A water-cart?" "Yes, sir." The inspector was puzzled; but after long cogitation he recalled the fact that he was in the parish of St. George the Martyr. This parish does its own contracting, and the boy has seen "St. George the Martyr" painted on the water-carts.

What is a Zebra?—A class of Standard II. in a small town in Westmoreland was once questioned about the zebra. There seemed to be a great lack of knowledge about it, and the young teacher strove with heroic patience to draw some answer from his pupils. Great was the delight of both teacher and class on receiving the following apt definition from one of their number: "Please, sir, it's like a donkey with a Kendal Hornet's jersey on."

"Jography."—"Well, little boys, and what is Geography?" beamed the inspector, after getting correctly some names of rivers, mountains, &c. No answer for two minutes by the clock. Then one timid hand is raised in answer to the question: "Please, sir, jography is a ball on which we live!" This recalls the story of the boy who was asked for a proof that the world is round. His answer was: "It says in the Bible, World without end!"

True Both Ways.—Some years ago, writes a teacher, I used to take Standard I. on Wednesday afternoons for a talk on the subject of Geography. I had on one occasion a magnet and a compass, and was amusing the little ones with the magnet. They seemed to have some idea of the meaning and use of the compass, and it occurred to me whether they knew what a mariner was, so I asked them. No answer. After some time one precocious very small boy ventured: "Please, sir, it's a young man what goes after a young ooman." [Query: "a-marrying her."]

Touching the Equator.—"What," demanded the inspector, "is the Equator?" "The Equator," said one ingenious hopeful, "is a menagerie lion running round the centre of the earth."

About the Stretcher.—A London infant school. The Raising of the Widow's Son. Illustrations, Religious Tract Society Scripture Roll. Story told by teacher. Pointing to the bier: "What is he lying on?" Ans.: "A stretcher."—Ques.: "What is a stretcher?" Ans.: "Wot lydies rides on when they gets drunk!"

Ten Brief Ones.—"The Chartists were men who compelled King John to sign Magna Charta."—"The Luddites were shells fired by the Boers."—"Sir Joseph Chamberlain invented fiscal policy, and generally wears an orchard in his coat."—"By the Salic Law no woman can become King."—"Wat Tyler was the leader of the Pheasants' Revolt."—"The Channel Islands consist of Jersey, Gansey, Alderman, and Shark."—"Quid pro quo means paying a sovereign for goods of the given value!"—"Poetry is when every line begins with a capital letter."—"Parliament is a place where they go up to London to talk about Birmingham!"—"The principal parts of the eye are the pupil, the moat, and the beam."

Some Ingenious Ones.—Ques.: "What are Bacteria?" Ans.: "A kind of chair for invalids."—Ques.: "What is meant by the term celestial pole?" Ans.: "A heavenly perch."—Ques.: "Which is the first and great Commandment?" Ans.: "Hang all the law and the prophets!"—Ques.: "What is Lava?" Ans.: "The stuff a barber puts on your face."—Teacher (pointing to an oblique line): "What kind of line is that?" Scholar: "A hori-slant-al line."—Teacher: "What does the abdomen contain?" Scholar: "The stomach, liver, and interestines."—Teacher: "What did the doctor say about your throat?" Scholar: "He said I must not eat any solemn food."—Teacher: "Who was Guy Fawkes?" First Pupil: "Guy Fox was a man who tried to destroy Parliament." (Girl's answer.) Second Pupil: "Guy Forks is a man made by another man." (Boy's answer.)—Teacher: "Say what you know about Columbus." Scholar: "Columbus saw two blue-eyed Saxon boys in the market-place to be sold as slaves. He turned away with his heart full of thoughts."—Ques.: "Who is Mr. Chamberlain?" Ans.: "A man who broke out among other people."—Ques.: "What is a Bay?" Ans.: "A Bay's a piece of land, which the sea has washed away and made a hollow."—Ques.: "Who were the Lollards?" Ans.: "The Lollards were men who used to sing in the streets."—Ques.: "Who was Cardinal Wolsey?" Ans.: "Cardinal Wolsey was a haughty prelate. He permitted his hat to be carried before him on a cushion."—Ques.: "Who was Cranmer?" Ans.: "Cranmer was Archbishop of Oxford University, and was burnt at a steak."—Ques.: "In what character was Mrs. Scott-Siddons painted by Gainsborough?" Ans.: "The tragic mouse."—Ques.: "What do you understand by the Salic Law?" Ans.: "The Salic Law forbade any man descended from a woman inheriting the throne."—Ques.: "What are the chief mountains of Scotland?" Ans.: "Ben Nevis, Ben Lomond, and Ben Jonson."—Ques.: "How many senses have we? Name them." Ans.: "We have two senses, wrong and right."—Ques.: "How is silence expressed in music?" Ans.: "Silence in music is expressed by putting your feet on the paddles."—Ques.: "What is a blizzard?" Ans.: "The inside of a fowl."