Samuel Lover

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Tuesday, Jan. 31st.—"Members desiring to take their seats will please come to the Table."

'Twas the voice of the Speaker; one could hear him declaim just as Big Ben tolled four o'clock this afternoon. House crowded in every part, throbbing with excitement; crowds everywhere. In Centre Hall some vainly hoping for impossible places; others content to see the men go by whose names they read in the papers. Outside Palace Yard multitude standing patiently for hours, happy if only they saw the tip of Mr. G.'s hat as he drove in at the gate, or imagined the buttons on the Squire of Malwood's gaiters. Never, in recent times, such a rush on opening days.

And Colonel Saunderson, comfortably seated on Front Bench below Gangway, in choice companionship with Dr. Tanner, actually yawning!

Historical Subject.—S-nd-rs-n "finding the body of"—T-nn-r.

"All very well for you, Toby, dear boy," he said, responsive to my polite stare. "You come down here leisurely in afternoon, and take your seat. I've been on war-path since before daybreak. Knew the wild Irishmen meant to open proceedings of Session by appropriating our seats. Have not served in Royal Irish Fusiliers for nothing. Session opened by Royal Commission at two o'clock this afternoon. Thought if I arrived on spot at seven in morning would be in moderately good time. Here before seven: place in utter darkness; found friendly policeman with bull's-eye light; tightened my belt; cocked my pistol; requisitioned Bobby and his lantern. You should have seen us groping our way into House; Bobby first, with bull's-eye lantern professionally flashing to right and left, under seats, into dark corners. Made straight for my old corner-seat below Gangway; something white gleaming on front bench; with supple turn of wrist Bobby brought flambeau to bear upon it; found it was Tanner—Tanner, hatless, coatless, without even a waistcoat on! You might have knocked me down with much less than bayonet-prod. 'Morning, Colonel,' says he. 'Been here all night?' I gasped. 'Oh, no,' says he; 'had cup of coffee at stall by Westminster Bridge, bought a few hats in the New Cut, and, you see, I've planted them out.' So he had, by Gad! Every corner-seat taken, and he prone in Jemmy Lowther's. 'Weren't enough o' them,' Tanner said, with his sixpenny snigger; 'couldn't leave put our revered leaders, Tim Healy and O'Brien, you know. So just took off my coat, flopped it down for Tim, hung the waist-coast on a knob, and there's William O'Brien's place secured for the night. Now, if you'd like a seat, you'll find one above the Gangway; or if you want to come and sit by me, here you are. I've got a necktie, a collar, and a pair of braces to spare; if you've any particular friends in your mind, why, we'll get seats for them.' No knowing what a fellow like Tanner would do in these circumstances. Even his trowsers not sacred. So made best of bad job, and here I am. At least, better off than Jemmy Lowther, evicted without compensation for disturbance."

Conversation interrupted by loud cheer. Mr. G. marching with head erect, and swinging stride, to take the Oath and his seat. Necessary by Standing Orders that two Members shall accompany new Member on these occasions to certify identity and prevent guilty impersonation. It's a wise child that knows his own father, but Herbert, walking on one side of Premier, with Marjoribanks on other, ready to testify. Clerk at table, thus assured all was right, administered Oath and then conducted Premier up to Speaker, presenting the new Member.

"Mr. Gladstone, I presume," said Speaker, making a motion towards extending his hand.

"Yes, Sir," said the new Member, nervously.

"Dear me!" said the Speaker, now shaking hands. "I've often heard of you. I daresay you'll soon get accustomed to the place, and will, I hope, be comfortable." Mr. G. bowed, and retired to his seat. Speaker suffered succession of shocks as in same way were brought up and introduced to him, Squire of Malwood, John Morley, Campbell-Bannerman, the Count Mundellani, George Trevelyan, The Boy Asquith, and quite a host of new acquaintances.

Business done.—New Members took their seats. Address moved.

Thursday Night.—Something like flash of old times to-night. Of course, it came from Irish quarter, and it was Saunderson who kindled the torch. Colonel presented himself early in sitting on corner bench below Gangway. This apparently reverted to possession of Jemmy Lowther. He lent it to Colonel for an hour, sitting on other side of him. How they secured the place is a mystery, darkened by temporary disappearance of Tanner. "Where is Tanner?" Members ask, looking, not without suspicion, on placid face and generally respectable appearance of Jemmy Lowther. Last seen, not exactly in company of Jemmy and the Colonel, rather in conflict for the corner-seat. Lowther has the seat; lends it to Saunderson. But where is Tanner?

"Oh, he's all right," said Lowther, with forced smile, when Justin McCarthy, with ill-feigned indifference, inquired after the lamb missing from his fold. "Bad sixpence, you know; always turns up," Jemmy added. But his merriment forced, and Saunderson abruptly changed subject.

Evidently a case for Sherlock Holmes; must place it in his hands.

Doubtless it was with object of diverting attention from a ghastly subject that Saunderson led up to row alluded to. In course of remarks on release of Gweedore prisoners, he alluded to Father McFadden as "a ruffian." Irish Members not used to language of that kind. Howled in pained indignation; the Colonel, astonished at his own moderation, varied the phrase by calling the respected P.P. "a murderous ruffian." Shouts of horror from compatriots closely massed behind. Tim Healy, in particular, boiling with indignation at use of language of this character addressed to gentlemen from whom one had difference of opinion on public matters. Nothing would content them short of absolute and immediate withdrawal. Colonel declined to withdraw. Uproar rose in ungovernable fury. Every time Colonel opened his mouth to continue his remarks, an Irish Member (so to speak) jumped down his throat.

Considerable proportion of Ministerial majority had disappeared in this fashion, when happy thought occurred to John Dillon. Hotly moved that Saunderson "be no longer heard." Considering he had not been heard for fully five minutes, this joke excellent. Speaker, however, wouldn't see it. Colonel trumped the card by moving Adjournment of Debate. Mr. G. interposed, adjured Saunderson to put end to scene by withdrawing expression objected to.

Colonel, hitherto obdurate, found irresistible the stately appeal from Premier. "Certainly," said he, ever ready to oblige; "I will withdraw the words 'murderous ruffian,' and substitute the expression, excited politician." This accepted as perfectly satisfactory. Terms apparently synonymous; but the latter, on the whole, less irritating to susceptible nerves. Irish members round about fell on Colonel's neck; embraced him with tears; gently disengaging himself, he proceeded uninterrupted to the end of his address.

"Capital title that," said George Newnes, who always has eye to business. "Shall start a new Weekly; lead off with serial Novel by Colonel Saunderson, entitled The Murderous Ruffian; or, the Excited Politician. Sure to take."

All very well, this cleverly conceived diversion. But where is Dr. Tanner? Business done.—Debate on Address.

Friday Night.—Still harping on Ireland. Began with row round issue of Writ for South Meath. Esmonde, one of innumerable Whips present House possesses, says the business was his. "Then why didn't you do it?" asked Nolan. "As you didn't seem disposed to move, I do." Nationalists want to get North Meath Election finished first; Parnellites don't. So Esmonde is in no hurry to move Writ, and Colonel Nolan is. Pretty, in these circumstances to hear Nolan with his indignant inquiry, "Is the moving of Writs to be taken as an Election dodge?"

After Ireland, Uganda. Sage of Queen Anne's Gate talked for hour and half. Later, rose to blandly explain that this was only half his speech; rest will be delivered when he brings question up again on Supplementary Vote. As Mr. G. says, this is fair notice, and every Member may determine for himself whether he will forego a portion of the promised treat. Business done.—Talking.