Our life is an addition sum; sometimes long, sometimes short; and Death, with "jaws capacious," sums up the whole of our humanity by making the "tottle" of the whole. Man is an adding animal; his instinct is, to get. He is an illustration of the verb, to get, in all its inflexions and conjugations; and thus we get and beget, till we ourselves are added to our fathers. There are many ways of performing addition, as in the following: a young grab-all comes upon the fumblers at long-taw, as Columbus did upon the Indians; or, as every thrifty nation does upon the weak or unsuspicious, and cries "Smuggins!" Addition is also performed in a less daring manner by the save-all process, till Death, with his extinguisher, shuts the miser up in his own smoke. Addition may also be performed by subtraction by other methods. It is one to make "Jim along Josey!" the watchword, as Joey does in the pantomime. If you would be merry, And never would fret, Then, get all you can, And keep all you get. Mihi Cura Futuri MIHI CURA FUTURI. Addition teaches, also, to add units together, and to find their sum total, as A + B = 2. A bachelor is a unit; a Benedict, unitee.
Matrimonial Addition.—By common ciphering 1 and 1 make 2. But, by the mathematics of matrimony, 1 and 1 will produce from 1 to 20, arranged in row, one above another, like a flight of stairs. They make a pretty addition to a man's effects, as well as to his income; and, if not themselves capital, are a capital stimulus to exertion. Surrounded by these special pleaders, a man becomes as sharp-set as a Lancashire ferret, and looks as fierce as a rat-catcher's dog at a sink-hole. Such men ought to be labelled, "Beware of this unfortunate dog!" for he would bite at a file! A Man of many Woes A MAN OF MANY WOES.
Adding to your name.—This is another mode of performing addition. It is not necessary to go to an university for this, any more than it is necessary to go to a church to get married. The thing can now be done without it. Schoolmasters, and pettifoggers of all kinds, will find this an excellent piece of practical wisdom. "ADDITION FOR COMMON NAMES." - The Reverend Dr. O'Crikey, D.D.—Duke of Dunces, or Dull Donkey.
- The Reverend Samuel Snuffers, A.M.—A Muff.
- John Petty Fog, Esq. LL.D.—Deuced Lying Lawyer.
- The Right Hon. Lord Dolittle, F.S.A.—Fumbler in Science and Art.
- The Most Noble the Marquis of Sligo, F.R.S.—Fellow of the Rigmarol Society.
- The Lord Knowswho, F.A.S.—Fool a star-gazing.
- Jeremy Stonybatter, F.G.S.—Fluking of the Gammoning Society.
- Billy Buttercup, Esq. F.L.S.—First of the Lubberhead Society.
- Captain Marlinspike, F.N.S.—Fellow of no Society.
ADDING TO A STORY. "Oh! Mrs. Wiggins, I declare I never heard the like! The wretch knows how to curse and swear, To bite, and scratch, and strike! "All day he's tossicated, and All night he roams about; But that is lucky, sure, for he Is worse when in than out." "If this is what you get when wed, I'm glad I yet have tarried:— Better to keep one's single bed, Than venture to get married. "But such a monster! By and by That idle minx, his wife, With all her mawkish tenderness, Must 'gainst him swear her life. "The fine piano long ago, Just after my last rout, With candlesticks and cruets too, Are all gone up the spout. "And bills return'd, as I have heard, Last week, one, two, or three; And summonses for grocery— 'Tis nothing, though, to me. "They live like cat and dog. I own She always was a scold. She broke the table on his crown; So I was lately told. "'Tis nothing, though, my dear, to me, As I before have said. If married people don't agree, They ought not to get wed." To go back a little to first principles, which should never be lost sight of in the teaching of any art or science, we must set forth the grand leading rule before our pupils. Addition teaches, therefore, - 1. To get all we can.
- 2. To keep all we get.
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"Argent comptant." PARENTAL ADVICE.—RULE I. Get money, my son, get money, Honestly if you can; It makes life sweet as honey— My son, get money, get money! Don't stand upon ceremony, Or you may look mighty funny; But make it your constant song, Get money, get money, get money! Money makes the mare to go, boy, Where every path looks sunny. Go it! my lad, through thick and thin; Get money, get money, get money! RULE II.—TAKE CARE OF NO. I. No. I.—O! since the world was made from 0, And since old Time began, The maxim was, and still must be, Take care of No. I. Look at the "Times," our oracle, As sure as any gun, With hand upon the dial-plate, All men are fond of him, and for His sake round earth will run, And bustle, turmoil, rub, and scrape For goodly No. I. The soldier, who so gallantly Hath battles nobly won, Though bravely fighting, ever still Takes care of No. I. The mouthing prigs of Parliament, With long yarns nightly spun, Watch well for place and patronage, And all for No. I. And those who preach of charity, Enough your ears to stun, In making up their long accounts, Take care of No. I. One follows law, one physic serves, As shadows serve the sun; But briefs, and draughts, and boluses All make for No. I. And those that oft make love more sweet Than cakes of Sally Lunn, In all their ardour ever have An eye to No. I. In short, mankind, both young and old, When serious or in fun, From hour to hour, from day to day, Take care of No. I. The rich, the poor, both high and low, Ay, every mother's son, From Court to Poor-law Union, Take care of No. I. Too bad it is to be a bore, And so my strain is done, Except it is to say once more, Take care of No. I. The Man who takes care of No. 1 The man who takes care of No. 1.
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