CHAPTER II. Notes of Invitation, Announcement Cards, Wedding Invitations, Acceptances and Regrets, Letters, Letters of Introduction.

NOTES OF INVITATION.

Notes of invitation for evening parties are issued in the name of the lady of the house; as,

Mrs. James Little requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. George White’s company on Monday evening, March seventeenth, from nine to twelve o’clock.[A]

The expression “presents compliments” is obsolete, as is also the term “polite,” which was formerly used in acceptances or regrets. The English form of “kind” or “very kind” is now substituted in its place.

A very acceptable form of invitation for a mother (if the mother is not living, the father’s name may be so used) and daughter is this:

Mrs. and Miss Graves at Home, Thursday, October twenty-seventh, from eight to eleven o’clock.

When a very large dinner party is to be given, the invitations should be issued at least two weeks in advance; and if some very celebrated people are to be invited, twenty-one days should elapse between sending out the invitations and the day of the function. For a small affair ten days’ notice is sufficient. Invitations to large teas should be sent out fourteen days in advance, but for small ones a week’s notice is sufficient.

In answering an invitation sent out in the name of both mother and daughter, one should address the mother.

When sending out invitations to evening parties, it is customary to denote the amusement feature, if there is to be one, by naming it in the lower left hand corner; as, “Dancing,” or “Cards,” or “Fancy dress and masks.” The hour is designated thus: “Dancing after nine,” or “German at eight o’clock,” or “Supper at half after seven,” and underneath “Dancing.” Sometimes a separate card is enclosed, reading “Dancing at nine o’clock.”

Mrs. George Brown requests the pleasure of Miss Lee’s company on Tuesday evening, January seventh, at nine o’clock.

The correct form of invitation for an entertainment where an elocutionist is to be the principal feature is worded as follows:

An invitation to a rose or lawn party might read thus:

In writing invitations for a club for which one is acting as secretary it would be wise to put them in the third person, and then there would be no embarrassment about the arrangement of names.

The words “reception” and “at home” are synonymous. Each means an entertainment which takes place between certain stated hours in the afternoon or evening, where refreshments are served, and no especial order of amusement is provided, unless it is specified in the invitations. To a “reception” or “at home” the hostess generally sends invitations to all on her calling list. These large functions are usually given for some especial purpose; as, to introduce a dÉbutante into society, to celebrate a wedding anniversary, or for the bride and groom after the wedding ceremony, or merely that the hostess may meet all her friends.

There is, however, a decided distinction between a reception or an “at home” and a tea or “days.” An invitation to the first is engraved on a sheet of note paper or a large sized card, and is formally worded. The hours for the afternoon function are usually from four until seven, and one may expect to find at the house or place of entertainment decorations of flowers and greens, and quite an elaborate repast provided; but an invitation to a tea or to “days” does not imply that anything but the simplest kind of menu will be served, nor that any but simple preparations will be made. The invitations to the latter entertainments may be the hostess’s visiting cards with the address and “tea at four o’clock” written in one corner; or if the hostess prefers to receive informally on more than one day, she may have the form “Fridays,” or “Fridays in February,” or “First and third Fridays in February,” or whatever days she chooses, written or engraved on her cards.

The formal luncheon hour is from one to two o’clock. Afternoon teas are usually at five. One’s visiting card can be used only for an invitation for an afternoon “at home;” invitations to dinner or luncheon must be written out. In sending out cards for a tea one should simply write the date and the hour in the lower left-hand corner; in sending a note, whether by messenger or post, the number of the house and the name of the street should be written out in full.

The following is a good form of invitation to an “at home” given by several women:

The usual form of an invitation to a luncheon is as follows:

Mrs. James Brown
requests the pleasure of your company
at luncheon
on Wednesday, April the sixth,
at one o’clock.

Below this and to the right would be the address, and the date on which the invitation is written.

The invitation for a musical may be worded as follows:

ANNOUNCEMENT CARDS.

The simplest way to announce an engagement is for each of the engaged couple to write short notes of announcement on the same day to each one’s relatives and near friends. All these notes are sent so that they will be received at the same time. They are written in the first person on dainty note paper, and the best form is the simplest. The character of the note must depend on the intimacy between the writer and the recipient.

A pretty and fashionable sequence to the announcement is for the bride to give a tea for the express purpose of receiving congratulations. She may mention it in her notes of announcement, and her fiancÉ may mention in his notes that she will be at home on a certain day at a certain hour. She should then receive with her mother or some older relative, and she should have some light refreshment provided for her callers. All her young friends will call, and all the relatives and near friends of her fiancÉ. The fiancÉ should be present at the tea, or he may come before it is over, but he should not formally receive with his betrothed.

Engagements are often announced in the newspapers.

Wedding announcements or invitations should be sent in envelopes addressed to the father and mother of the family, to the daughter or daughters (addressed as the Misses), and to each of the grown sons. All these invitations in their envelopes may be enclosed in an outside envelope addressed to the parents.

A wedding invitation or announcement card should always be addressed to both members of a married couple, even if the bride or groom who sends it is acquainted with only one.

The correct form for wedding announcement cards is as follows:

The bride’s “at home” cards should be separate, but enclosed with the announcements, and should read as follows:

Announcement cards should be sent out immediately after the wedding to every one on the bride’s and groom’s list. And, again, wedding announcement cards need not be sent out in any one’s name. The following is an example:

When a bride is an orphan it is customary for the cards announcing her wedding to be sent in the name of one of her near relatives, or else they may read simply like the one given above.

Wedding announcement cards demand no acknowledgment from an acquaintance of the bride who lives at a distance, unless a “day” or “days” are mentioned on them, when it is obligatory to send visiting cards on the “day” or the first one of the “days;” otherwise, if one wishes to be particularly polite, one may send a visiting-card in acknowledgment of the announcement, but it is not obligatory to do so.

Wedding announcements are sent to friends at home as well as to those abroad, because the cards are supposed, not only to suggest remembrance, but to express a desire that the acquaintance should be continued after the name is changed.

The birth of a baby is announced in various ways, there being no especial rules of etiquette for making the announcement. Sometimes engraved cards bearing the baby’s name and date of birth are sent by themselves in small envelopes, into which they fit exactly; sometimes they go in an envelope with the mother’s visiting-card, and are written instead of engraved. These cards should be attached to the mother’s visiting cards by a piece of white baby ribbon, which is passed through a hole made in the top of both cards and tied in a tiny bow. They should be sent out when the mother is ready to receive calls.

WEDDING INVITATIONS.

Wedding invitations should be issued at least two weeks before the day of the affair.

It is customary for the bridegroom to give to the bride’s mother a list of his relatives and friends to whom he would like cards sent, and some member of the bride’s family attends to it.

When the guests at a wedding are limited to the immediate family, the invitations may be personal notes sent by the bride’s mother. The notes may read like the following:

A formal invitation may read as follows:

Another form is as follows:

If the bride is an orphan, or if there is any very good reason why her parents’ names should not appear on the invitation, the latter may be sent in the name of the married brother and his wife, or in the name of whoever gives the bride the wedding reception. It may read as follows:

The following is a suitable form for an invitation for a silver wedding:

ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS.

It is considered very rude not to reply to an invitation immediately, either by note of acceptance or regret.

In writing acceptances one should never use “will accept” for “accepts,” or “to dinner” instead of “for dinner” or “to dine.”

In accepting a dinner invitation one should repeat the hour named in order that, if any mistake has been made, it may be corrected.

An acceptance may be written as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. Frank Warren accept with pleasure Mrs. John Somers’ kind invitation for Monday evening, October seventh.

The following is a good form for a note of regret:

Mr. and Mrs. James Swift regret that, owing to sickness, they are unable to accept Mrs. Frank Hall’s kind invitation for Monday evening, March 16th.

In writing regrets, when it is possible to do so, one should give the reason for not accepting an invitation.

The best bred people agree that an invitation to a wedding reception or a wedding breakfast demands a response, whether or not a response is requested. But it is another question when one receives only an invitation to a church ceremony, or merely an announcement card with no “at home” card enclosed, and does not know the bride and groom well enough to call. If the cards are sent merely as a matter of courtesy because of business relations or on account of a former intimacy in the families, a call does not seem necessary. In such cases one must judge more or less for herself, and do what seems natural. If one lives in a small place and the bride comes there as a stranger, it is generally the best way to call, whatever be the form of the cards received.

Formal invitations to a church wedding do not demand an answer, unless one is requested, until the day of the ceremony, when those unable to attend acknowledge the invitation with visiting cards addressed to the father and mother of the bride, or to whoever sends out the invitations for the wedding. Invitations to a wedding reception and a bride’s “At Home” demand no other acknowledgment than visiting cards sent on the day of the function by those unable to attend. A formal invitation to a house wedding demands the same acknowledgment as an invitation to a church wedding.

In acknowledging an invitation to a wedding, a single woman sends one of her visiting cards in an envelope addressed to the mother and father of the bride on the day of the wedding. A single man sends two of his cards, and a married couple send one of the wife’s and two of the husband’s cards. To the bride on her “At Home” day, cards should be sent in exactly the same way. A wedding reception, if it takes place in the evening, demands full dress.

It is very courteous to acknowledge the reception of a “commencement” invitation.

It is very bad form to write “Congratulations” on one’s visiting card and send it in answer to a wedding invitation. If one desires to send her good wishes to the bride, then a personal note would be proper.

It is also bad form to send a visiting card with “Regrets” written in one corner instead of writing the proper note.

If, having accepted an invitation, one changes her mind, she certainly ought to give some reason when writing a note of apology.

LETTERS.

In writing letters and notes of invitation, acceptance, regrets, or introduction, certain and specific rules of etiquette, ordained by custom, hold despotic sway; and unless one is acquainted with these, he must be considered by those who are, as more or less uncultivated.

In addressing an envelope one surely ought to know that the first line of the address should be at or below the middle of the envelope, and the address should be written in a plain hand devoid of flourishes. The place for the stamp is always the upper right-hand corner.

In no way is one’s culture sooner made known than by his manner of writing a note or letter.

In a formal business letter or in one commencing “Dear Sir” or “Dear Madam,” the name of the person addressed is put at the end of the letter in the left-hand corner, but it should not be repeated, if it is used at the head of the letter.

The writing of notes in the third person is now confined to notes of invitations, acceptance, and regret.

Nothing would show greater ignorance than signing one’s name to a note written in the third person.

In addressing a clergyman it is customary to commence with “Reverend Sir.” Doctors of Divinity and of Medicine are thus distinguished: “The Rev. James Swift, D. D.,” or “Rev. Dr. Swift;” “I. G. Latham, M. D.,” or “Dr. Latham.”

In writing to servants, it is customary to begin thus: “To Mary Bates,—Mrs. White wishes, etc.”

When a woman is writing to strangers who will not know whether to address her in reply as “Mrs.” or “Miss,” the address of the writer should be given in full, after signing her letter, as, “Mrs. Jane Smith,” followed by the direction; or, if unmarried, the “Miss” should be placed in marks of parenthesis preceding the signature. One should never sign her name as “Mrs.” or “Miss.”

The formal manner of address in a note or letter written in the first person, is, “My Dear Mrs. Brown;” the less formal is “Dear Mrs. Brown.” To an intimate friend one may use either. “Dear Mary” is less formal than “My Dear Mary,” and yet to one who is near, the real significance of the latter form is very sweet and full of tender meaning. However, there are no rigid laws to regulate the correspondence of friends.

When a woman writes a personal note to a man, no matter how slight her acquaintance may be with him, it should begin “My Dear Mr. Brown.”

Ordinary social correspondence, when forwarded by the hand of an adult socially equal with the sender, should not be sealed. If, for some reason, a letter must be sealed, then the post or some other method of letter conveyance should be used.

The form “Addressed” on an envelope is merely the relic of an old legal form that has no especial significance nowadays, but is put on the envelope as a matter of courtesy. It means that the contents of the envelope are for the person whose name is written on the outside. It is very seldom used, and is quite superfluous.

Only letters of unmarried women and widows are addressed with their baptismal names. All letters of married women should bear their husband’s names; as, “Mrs. John Howe.”

Writing on the first, then on the third, then crosswise on the second and fourth pages of a letter, facilitates the reading and is in perfectly good form.

It is very bad taste for a doctor’s wife to assume his title. An invitation addressed to them should read “Dr. and Mrs. Jones.”

One should not write “Mrs. John Brown, nÉe Lottie Smith,” because one is not born with a Christian name; instead, one would write “Mrs. John Brown, nÉe Smith.”

The use of perfumed stationery is not general, nor is it in good taste.

Any letter of congratulation received, even though it be from a person with whom one has only a slight acquaintance, requires an answer.

No matter how fond a young girl may feel of a man whom she has known for years, any letters, when trouble comes to his family, should be addressed to his wife and not to him.

The fashion that obtains with reference to placing the date on a letter is to place it in the upper right-hand corner; on a note it is usually placed in the lower left-hand corner.

A young girl who receives letters from a man at the post-office without the knowledge of her mother is doing something wrong, which in time she will certainly regret, and which, it is equally certain, will result in trouble.

It is not in the best taste to write letters of friendship on the typewriter, but it will always be excused in the busy woman.

LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.

Letters of introduction are to be regarded as certificates of respectability and esteem, and should only be given by friends of the person introduced and to friends. They should be brief and carefully worded, intimating the mutual pleasure that one feels the acquaintance will confer, but not complimenting the bearer so openly that he will feel embarrassed in delivering the letter. Such letters are left unsealed.

There is no greater insult than to treat a letter of introduction with indifference. A person thus introduced ought to be called upon at once, and shown any other little attention within one’s power. In England letters of introduction are called “tickets to soup.”

In England the party holding a letter of introduction never takes it himself, but sends it with his card. On the Continent the reverse is the fashion. In America the English custom prevails, though where a young man has a letter to one many years his senior or to one who is to aid him in some enterprise, he takes it himself at once.

A letter of introduction should be somewhat like the following:

Before giving a letter of introduction one should be certain that the persons introduced will be congenial to each other. Such a letter puts a certain obligation on the person to whom it is addressed: he will be obliged to show the bearer some attention and hospitality. It is, therefore, not right to make the demand of a friend unless one is certain that the acquaintanceship will compensate him for the trouble he may take.

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