SCENE I. — The Country.

ENTER MACILENTE, WITH A BOOK.

MACI. "Viri est, fortunae caecitatem facile ferre."
'Tis true; but, Stoic, where, in the vast world,
Doth that man breathe, that can so much command
His blood and his affection? Well, I see
I strive in vain to cure my wounded soul;
For every cordial that my thoughts apply
Turns to a corsive and doth eat it farther.
There is no taste in this philosophy;
'Tis like a potion that a man should drink,
But turns his stomach with the sight of it.
I am no such pill'd Cynick to believe,
That beggary is the only happiness;
Or with a number of these patient fools,
To sing: "My mind to me a kingdom is,"
When the lank hungry belly barks for food,
I look into the world, and there I meet
With objects, that do strike my blood-shot eyes
Into my brain: where, when I view myself,
Having before observ'd this man is great,
Mighty and fear'd; that lov'd and highly favour'd:
A third thought wise and learn'd; a fourth rich,
And therefore honour'd; a fifth rarely featur'd;
A sixth admired for his nuptial fortunes:
When I see these, I say, and view myself,
I wish the organs of my sight were crack'd;
And that the engine of my grief could cast
Mine eyeballs, like two globes of wildfire, forth,
To melt this unproportion'd frame of nature.
Oh, they are thoughts that have transfix'd my heart,
And often, in the strength of apprehension,
Made my cold passion stand upon my face,
Like drops of dew on a stiff cake of ice.

COR. This alludes well to that of the poet,
"Invidus suspirat, gemit, incutitque dentes,
Sudat frigidus, intuens quod odit."

MIT. O, peace, you break the scene.

[ENTER SOGLIARDO AND CARLO BUFFONE.

MACI. Soft, who be these?
I'll lay me down awhile till they be past.
[LIES DOWN.

CAR. Signior, note this gallant, I pray you.

MIT. What is he?

CAR. A tame rook, you'll take him presently; list.

SOG. Nay, look you, Carlo; this is my humour now! I have land and money,
my friends left me well, and I will be a gentleman whatsoever it cost me.

CAR. A most gentlemanlike resolution.

SOG. Tut! an I take an humour of a thing once, I am like your tailor's
needle, I go through: but, for my name, signior, how think you? will it
not serve for a gentleman's name, when the signior is put to it, ha?

CAR. Let me hear; how is it?

SOG. Signior Insulso Sogliardo: methinks it sounds well.

CAR. O excellent! tut! an all fitted to your name, you might very well
stand for a gentleman: I know many Sogliardos gentlemen.

SOG. Why, and for my wealth I might be a justice of peace.

CAR. Ay, and a constable for your wit.

SOG. All this is my lordship you see here, and those farms you came by.

CAR. Good steps to gentility too, marry: but, Sogliardo, if you affect to
be a gentleman indeed, you must observe all the rare qualities, humours,
and compliments of a gentleman.

SOG. I know it, signior, and if you please to instruct, I am not too good
to learn, I'll assure you.

CAR. Enough, sir. — I'll make admirable use in the projection of my
medicine upon this lump of copper here. [ASIDE] — I'll bethink me for
you, sir.

SOG. Signior, I will both pay you, and pray you, and thank you, and think
on you.

COR. Is this not purely good?

MACI. S'blood, why should such a prick-ear'd hind as this
Be rich, ha? a fool! such a transparent gull
That may be seen through! wherefore should he have land,
Houses, and lordships? O, I could eat my entrails,
And sink my soul into the earth with sorrow.

CAR. First, to be an accomplished gentleman, that is, a gentleman of the
time, you must give over housekeeping in the country, and live altogether
in the city amongst gallants: where, at your first appearance, 'twere good
you turn'd four or five hundred acres of your best land into two or three
trunks of apparel — you may do it without going to a conjurer — and be
sure you mix yourself still with such as flourish in the spring of the
fashion, and are least popular; study their carriage and behaviour in all;
learn to play at primero and passage, and ever (when you lose) have two or
three peculiar oaths to swear by, that no man else swears: but, above all,
protest in your play, and affirm, "Upon your credit, As you are a true
gentleman", at every cast; you may do it with a safe conscience, I warrant you.

SOG. O admirable rare! he cannot choose but be a gentleman that has these
excellent gifts: more, more, I beseech you.

CAR. You must endeavour to feed cleanly at your ordinary, sit melancholy,
and pick your teeth when you cannot speak: and
when you come to plays, be humorous, look with a good starch'd face, and
ruffle your brow like a new boot, laugh at nothing but your own jests, or
else as the noblemen laugh. That's a special grace you must observe.

SAG. I warrant you, sir.

CAR. Ay, and sit on the stage and flout, provided you have a good suit.

SOG. O, I'll have a suit only for that, sir.

CAR. You must talk much of your kindred and allies.

SOG. Lies! no, signior, I shall not need to do so, I have kindred in the
city to talk of: I have a niece is a merchant's wife; and a nephew, my
brother Sordido's son, of the Inns of court.

CAR. O, but you must pretend alliance with courtiers and great persons:
and ever when you are to dine or sup in any strange presence, hire a fellow
with a great chain, (though it be copper, it's no matter,) to bring you
letters, feign'd from such a nobleman, or such a knight, or such a lady,
"To their worshipful, right rare, and nobly qualified friend and kinsman,
signior Insulso Sogliardo": give yourself style enough. And there, while
you intend circumstances of news, or enquiry of their health, or so, one of
your familiars whom you must carry about you still, breaks it up, as 'twere
in a jest, and reads it publicly at the table: at which you must seem to
take as unpardonable offence, as if he had torn your mistress's colours, or
breath'd upon her picture, and pursue it with that hot grace, as if you
would advance a challenge upon it presently.

SOG. Stay, I do not like that humour of challenge, it may be accepted; but
I'll tell you what's my humour now, I will do this: I will take occasion
of sending one of my suits to the tailor's, to have the pocket repaired, or
so; and there such a letter as you talk of, broke open and all shall be
left; O, the tailor will presently give out what I am, upon the reading of
it, worth twenty of your gallants.

CAR. But then you must put on an extreme face of discontentment at your
man's negligence.

SOG. O, so I will, and beat him too: I'll have a man for the purpose.

MAC. You may; you have land and crowns: O partial fate!

CAR. Mass, well remember'd, you must keep your men gallant at the first,
fine pied liveries laid with good gold lace; there's no loss in it, they
may rip it off and pawn it when they lack victuals.

SOG. By 'r Lady, that is chargeable, signior, 'twill bring a man in debt.

CAR. Debt! why that's the more for your credit, sir: it's an excellent
policy to owe much in these days, if you note it.

SOG. As how, good signior? I would fain be a politician.

CAR. O! look where you are indebted any great sum, your creditor observes
you with no less regard, than if he were bound to you for some huge
benefit, and will quake to give you the least cause of offence, lest he
lose his money. I assure you, in these
times, no man has his servant more obsequious and pliant, than gentlemen
their creditors: to whom, if at any time you pay but a moiety, or a fourth
part, it comes more acceptably than if you gave them a new-year's gift.

SOG. I perceive you, sir: I will take up, and bring myself in credit, sure.

CAR. Marry this, always beware you commerce not with bankrupts, or poor
needy Ludgathians; they are impudent creatures, turbulent spirits, they
care not what violent tragedies they stir, nor how they play fast and loose
with a poor gentleman's fortunes, to get their own. Marry, these rich
fellows that have the world, or the better part of it, sleeping in their
counting-houses, they are ten times more placable, they; either fear, h