It may easily be conceived that such reveries as those which occupied me during the rest of the journey, produced a sensible effect upon my external demeanour. Men may conceal great schemes and mighty designs, and all those enterprises in which the mind alone is concerned may be hidden by firmness, or covered over by art, but the deep feelings and intense passions of the heart almost always betray their workings by some external sign. It was Clement de la Marke who first perceived the alteration, and, hanging upon me affectionately, he inquired what made me so sad. Ere long it caught the attention of Monsieur de Villardin himself; and, without the slightest suspicion of its cause, he spoke of my unusual gravity as if it had arisen from disappointment in regard to the governorship of Binches, and tried to console me by promising to use every effort to obtain for me a just compensation. Each new instance of his kindness, far from giving me any relief, only served to make me feel more poignantly, that even, did no other circumstances exist to deprive my love of even a chance of success, gratitude to him should teach me to view it with despair. Every thought, every remembrance, showed me more and more strongly that my passion was hopeless; and yet every feeling assured me that that passion was unconquerable, and could never be forgotten. My buoyant heart, which I had thought nothing could overwhelm, completely sunk under the tide of sad thoughts and bitter feelings that overflowed in my bosom during our journey to Paris; and, when we arrived in the capital, I was as reckless a human being as ever despair drove to vice or to folly. What might have been the consequences I cannot tell, for no man should ever trust himself in such a state of mind, had it not been immediately necessary to join the army, and to quit a place in the debaucheries of which I might, perhaps, have sought relief from the agony that preyed upon my heart.

We arrived in the capital in the morning; and while I remained at our hotel, in a state of gloomy despondency, which seemed to crush all my energies, Monsieur de Villardin proceeded to the Court, and returned, after an absence of two hours, with a countenance which plainly showed that he was highly gratified by the reception he had met with. He did not mention what had occurred, however, but merely told me that it would be necessary for me to accompany him to the royal presence the next morning; and, as I cared but little what I did or what I left undone, I assented with the utmost indifference, and followed him when the time came.

After having remained in waiting for a few minutes, we were admitted to the royal presence, and found the King--now grown into one of the handsomest young men I had ever seen--in company with his mother, Cardinal Mazarin, Le Tellier, and a number of other ministers and attendants, in the act of giving audience to a foreign ambassador, who was taking leave ere his departure. Our reception was most gracious, and I soon found that the pliancy which I had shown in yielding at once to the wishes of the Cardinal, had established my favour, not only with that minister, but with the royal family, on a basis which might have been very advantageous to me had I been disposed to profit by it. As there was no hope, however, of any turn of fortune taking place, sufficiently miraculous in its nature to render a young English adventurer a fit match for the heiress of two noble houses, I was very indifferent to all the rest. I saw with more satisfaction, however, the marks of honour which the Court bestowed upon Monsieur de Villardin; and ere we took our leave, was gratified by beholding the baton of Field Marshal placed in his hands by the young monarch, with a compliment on his fidelity and military skill, which must have doubled the pleasure that the distinction produced.

After having expressed his thanks, Monsieur de Villardin drew back a step, and presenting me anew to the king, he added, "I think, Sire, you were graciously pleased to intimate that you had some mark of your royal approbation to bestow upon my young friend, who will, I am sure, do his best to deserve it."

"The commission has not yet received our signature," replied the King, "but it shall be sent to your hotel before your departure to-morrow. In the meantime I doubt not, Monsieur le MarÉchal, that you have informed the Baron de Juvigny of my intentions in his favour."

"I did not presume, Sire," replied Monsieur de Villardin, "to forestall the pleasure he would receive from hearing your royal goodness towards him expressed by your own lips."

"You did well, Sir," replied the King. "Monsieur de Juvigny, the honours we confer are always on account of past services, though we wish them to act as incitements to fresh exertion, by affording the certainty that, as far as Heaven grants us power of discrimination, merit of any kind shall never be left without its reward. Since we last had an opportunity of signifying our approbation, you have continued to do well; and, in consequence thereof, as well as at the solicitation of your friend here present, it is our intention to bestow upon you the regiment which he himself raised, and in which you have hitherto exercised a subordinate command. The commission, as I said before, shall be sent to you ere your departure to-morrow."

Long replies are never suitable to any expression of the royal will, and even thanks had better be brief as well as forcible. I had, therefore, no inducement, even if I had been disposed at the time, to be eloquent; and, setting forth my gratitude as shortly, but as pointedly as I could, I took my leave and drew back. Monsieur de Villardin also received permission immediately to retire, and, re-entering his carriage, we drove homewards.

If the new mark of royal favour I had received had, in the slightest degree rekindled the spark of hope in my bosom--and I suppose that such is always, more or less, the tendency of some unexpected success--Monsieur de Villardin, as we returned to his hotel, unconsciously extinguished the light altogether.

After congratulating me upon my good fortune, which he represented, and represented truly, as opening the way to the highest honours in the French army, he added, "You will be delighted, my dear boy, I am sure--as I know you take as much interest in my affairs as if you were my own son,--you will be delighted, I say, to hear that I have found for my dear Laura the very best alliance, perhaps in all France. Yesterday, at the palace, I met with my good friend, the Count de Laval, whose fortune and family, and high character, place him amongst the first, in the first rank of our French nobility. He at once asked my daughter's hand, and enhanced the compliment by telling me that he had determined upon that step two years before, and had only waited that I might become thoroughly acquainted both with his situation and disposition, before he ventured to propose the alliance. I need not tell you, that I instantly accepted his proposal. But, as we both agreed that Laura is still too young, the final arrangements must be delayed for a year and a half."

Luckily it happened that the carriage was, at that moment, passing through one of those dark, narrow streets, which leave many parts of Paris in a continual state of obscurity. Had it not been so, I am convinced that the agony which his words inflicted could not have escaped the eyes of Monsieur de Villardin. It is impossible to describe all I felt at what appeared to me to be a cold and heartless sacrifice of the girl I loved to a man whom she had never yet beheld.

But little, either, could I reconcile such conduct with the deep and impassioned feelings which Monsieur de Villardin naturally possessed; though such unfortunately was, and is the universal method of arranging all transactions of the kind in France: and Laura's father, perhaps, never considered it possible that any other plan could be pursued to render his child more happy. Little did he know, indeed, what was passing in my heart as he spoke, or a new view of her situation must instantly have burst upon his sight, however impossible he might have felt it to break the engagements he had already formed. Nor did I attempt to alter his determination, well knowing that no change therein could work a benefit to myself. I replied nothing to his communication, except some incoherent words expressive of surprise; and after they had passed my lips, I remained in dark and bitter silence, revolving acts of madness and folly, which I hardly dare to think of even at this moment.

My feelings before had been all light and sunshiny--happiness itself compared to those which I now experienced. I cannot, indeed, say that I had forgot that Laura could become the bride of another; but, even while I knew and felt that she could never be mine, the image of her I loved as another man's wife had never presented itself to my mind. Now that it did rise up before me, it was too painful to be endured, and, from the sensations that I experienced during that day and the two that followed it, I gained my first full insight into all those passions which had torn and distracted Monsieur de Villardin himself during the week that had preceded the death of his unhappy wife.

To bring about my own death, or that of the Count de Laval, were, during that time, the only thoughts continually present to my mind, and the idea of the latter was certainly predominant for some time. As hours passed away, however, I began to remember that, even were my own hand to rid me of the rival that had thus sprung up, I should be still as far from hope as ever; and that, under whatever pretence I might seek a quarrel with him, and call him to the field, the act itself would be nothing short of murder in my own eyes, and the eyes of the Almighty, however the blind world might regard the deed.

Such feelings occupied me during the whole of that evening and night with such intensity, that I certainly forgot all form and ceremony. I remained silent, gloomy, abstracted; and both my little page and Monsieur de Villardin concluded that I was seriously ill. The next morning early I found a surgeon in my room, who, informing me that he had been sent for to attend me, felt my pulse and proposed to bleed me. Although I knew that the malady which affected me had nothing to do with my corporeal frame, and that, unless he could give medicine to my mind, the most skilful son of Esculapius could effect no ultimate cure upon me, yet I suffered him to do his will, and perhaps did feel relieved in some degree from the sort of burning headache which I experienced, as the blood flowed from the vein, and my frame began to grow weaker from the loss of that fluid which had been flowing like liquid fire through every limb.

As we were to set out for the army, however, at mid-day, I went in search of Monsieur de Villardin as soon as the operation was over; and, notwithstanding all his remonstrances, insisted upon accompanying him, declaring that I felt better for the bleeding, and should soon be quite well. Not long after, my commission arrived; and, having by this time given up all thought of making the Count de Laval the victim of my disappointment, I set out for the camp with the stern and gloomy determination of never returning from the field alive. I will do my duty, I thought, in every respect; and, by exposing myself on all occasions wherever danger is to be found, I shall surely at length be enabled to gain that fate, which will set these warring passions at rest for ever.

According to the rule which I have laid down for myself, I shall speak of the events of my military career as briefly as possible. Our regiment had been quartered in the neighbourhood of Senlis; and, as the inferior officers were generally steady and experienced, we found it already in marching order when we arrived. By this time, Turenne had determined to open the campaign by an attack upon some of the enemy's towns in Flanders, and--being joined at CondÉ by Monsieur de Villardin, with our own regiment and two or three others, which were now united under his command,--that great general first marched upon Tournay. Finding, however, that he had been deceived in regard to the state of preparation of that town, he instantly fell back upon CondÉ, and thence marched direct for Valenciennes, which was invested the night of his arrival.

Two redoubts were the only defences which obstructed our first approaches; and, having volunteered to attack them, I here made my first essay in that headlong and incautious plan of action, upon which I had determined as the means of winning both glory and the grave. However much the first object might be gained, I soon found that fate seemed capriciously resolved to disappoint me of the second. In forcing my way into the redoubts, through one of the most tremendous cross fires that ever I beheld, twenty or thirty of my men fell around me in every direction,--scarcely one of the whole storming party escaped without some injury; but, at the end of five minutes, I, who had been madly rash in every part of the action, found myself standing unhurt in the midst of the conquered redoubts, with nothing but death and destruction around me on every side. When the whole was settled, I returned towards the camp, and was immediately admitted to the presence of Monsieur de Turenne, who had watched the attack till the affair was decided, and who now, in the presence of his staff, gave me high praises for my conduct throughout the evening. The moment after, however, he added, "I wish to show you something, my young friend, which perhaps you can execute to-morrow morning--I will be back directly, gentlemen," he added, turning to the other officers, several of whom had risen to accompany him, but now paused at this intimation of his desire to go alone, and then taking his hat and cane, he led me to a little mound, at a short distance from his tent, where, being quite without witnesses, his whole aspect immediately changed, and he addressed me with a severe and frowning brow, "You have been rash, sir," he said, "extremely rash; and what is more, I perceive you know it. Remember, sir, that courage and temerity are as different as wit and impertinence, and that however much you may choose to expose your own person, you have no right to expose the troops of his Majesty."

Thus saying, he turned upon his heel, and was leaving me; but the expression of bitter mortification which his words had produced upon my countenance touched him, and he came back. "Monsieur de Juvigny," he said, "I am angry with you, because I know you can do better than you have done this day. I do not absolutely disapprove of a young man risking somewhat more than necessary in his own person, but I do strongly disapprove of his acting rashly when in a command, such as that entrusted to you this evening. You may receive it as a mark of personal regard that I did not choose to blame you publicly; but, at the same time, do not let that circumstance deprive this admonition of any of its force, and take care to be more prudent for the future."

Although the reproof I had received was certainly well merited, and sunk deep into my memory, I nevertheless resolved to expose my own person as much as ever, though at the same time I saw the necessity of being more careful of my troops. For many days, time seemed to have no effect upon the bitter and painful feelings which had taken possession of my heart, and despair was my constant companion. Gloomy, melancholy, and reserved, I avoided the society of my fellow officers; and at night when I was in my tent, I gave myself up to sombre meditations, which consumed in vain regrets the greater part of those hours that should have been devoted to sleep. Not that I did not court slumber with all my heart, for while I was asleep was the only time that I could feel happy, though it was but the happiness of inanition. In order, however, to gain such repose, I was obliged to labour throughout the whole day, and completely to exhaust the body before I could calm the mind.

From morning till night I was either on horseback, or working as a volunteer in the trenches, or, accompanied by little Clement de la Marke, visiting the different posts, and endeavouring to give him a thorough and practical knowledge of the duties of a soldier. Wherever the thickest of the enemy's fire was directed, there I was still to be found; yet as I showed myself careful of my troops, my conduct now drew down upon me great praise, although the motive, I am afraid, was the same as before.

My little page was indeed a great comfort to me, for quick, lively, inquiring, while he was with me, he gave constant occupation to my mind, and from his prompt powers of apprehension, pleased and delighted, while he furnished me with matter for indifferent thought, and filled the painful moments of leisure. For the first ten days, indeed, of the siege of Valenciennes, we were in no want of employment, for the garrison took every means which skill and resolution could suggest or execute to delay our progress or to compel us to abandon the attempt. As the force within the walls was but small, an effort was immediately made to throw a reinforcement into the place, and this proving vain, means were taken to inundate a great part of the ground within our lines. To remedy this, the cavalry was constantly employed for several days in carrying fascines, for the purpose of forming both a floating bridge and a dike across the inundation, which was not effected without infinite difficulty and loss of time. A worse result also ensued, in consequence of the extensive inundation which the enemy had been able to effect; a violent fever broke out in the camp, and one of the first persons attacked was my poor little page. I loved the boy most sincerely, and I had taken a sort of sad pleasure in winning his affection by every means, and in fancying that he at least would regret me bitterly when I was gone. I now, however, soon saw him reduced to the brink of the grave, and every moment that I could spare, I passed by his bedside. The poor little fellow, restless and delirious, still retained all his gentleness and affection. He would receive his remedies from no hand but mine, and often in the night when he saw me watching by him, he would beg me--in sentences confused and incoherent enough, indeed--to lie down and take my rest without minding him.

The time I spent with him was not lost to my mind; for, whether there was something monitory in the sight of a fellow being fluttering for days upon the very verge of eternity, or whether my better feelings were themselves struggling up by their own strength, I cannot tell; but I began to reflect upon my late conduct, and to view it in a different light from that which I had done at first. Reason soon showed me that the rash purpose of courting danger, which I had entertained, was, in fact, but a specious kind of suicide, a crime for which I had both a great contempt, and a great detestation; and after many a painful night of thought, I arrived at the conclusion which I should have reached at first, if passion had not overpowered my understanding. I found that I was bound by every tie to conquer the love which had so mastered my judgment, to banish for ever the dream that had bewildered me; and, if I could not succeed in crushing my own feelings, at least to conceal them most scrupulously. I went farther: I determined to act towards Laura and her father as if such sensations did not exist,--neither to avoid their society, nor to let them discover, by any means, that a change had come over my heart. I knew and felt that the attempt would be most agonising, but I fancied that the human mind could perform any task which it undertook, and thus, even with better purposes, I was again led into error. I scarcely know whether I was not deceiving myself, and whether from the first there was not mingling with all my reasoning the latent desire of seeing, once more at least, the being that I most loved on earth. I scarcely know, even now, whether it was so, or whether my designs were purely good and firm; for, of all the things that God has created, there is none so subtle as the human heart. At all events, this book is one of confessions as well as of memoirs, and the facts shall be told as they arose. Let others judge the motives, for no man yet, in every point, has judged himself justly.

At the end of nine or ten days, my young companion showed signs of amendment, and the surgeon strongly admonished me to turn my cares to my own health. It became necessary, indeed, that I should be more frequently absent from Clement's bedside, for duties of a different kind now called for constant exertions. By this time, the Spanish army, commanded by the Prince de CondÉ, had approached within sight of our lines of circumvallation, and it was evident to all who knew that great general, that an attack upon our camp would soon follow. At what point the assault would be made, of course, no one could tell; and, with the small force at our command, it was impossible to guard every part of the great extent of lines. Our infantry did not amount in all to above twelve thousand men, and what with those employed in carrying on the two separate attacks, which were going on against the town, and with those employed on other duty, a great part of our entrenchments were left exposed. Under these circumstances, and expecting every hour to see CondÉ attempt to force our camp, Turenne employed the cavalry to watch the lines continually, while three regiments of infantry were constantly held in readiness to march to whatever point should be ultimately assailed. All these precautions, however, were unavailing. The MarÉchal de la FertÉ, haughty, presumptuous, and jealous, neglected the warnings and counsels of Turenne; and CondÉ, well knowing which of the generals he was most likely to find unprepared, determined to attack the quarters of the former. My regiment had been on duty during the whole day, and after informing Monsieur de Turenne that I had seen demonstrations on the part of the enemy of a determination to pass the Scheldt, and attack the MarÉchal de la FertÉ, I retired to my tent for the night. It was the first evening that Clement had risen from his bed, and after supper I went into his part of the tent, and sat with him for about half an hour, listening to all the gay visions which the prospect of returning health called up in his mind, when suddenly I heard a sharp discharge of musketry from the side of Azin. Well understanding what it meant, I rushed out, got my men under arms, and, springing on horseback, rode towards the tent of Monsieur de Turenne, while the flashes and the report both showed that the enemy were already in the quarters of Monsieur de la FertÉ. I found Monsieur de Villardin with the general, and both as calm as if they had been going to their beds.

Turenne was in the act of ordering two regiments of infantry to cross the dike and the bridge of fascines, and support the MarÉchal de la FertÉ, ere he (Turenne) could himself arrive with a stronger reinforcement.

"Monsieur de Villardin," he added, "I beg that you will remain here, and attend to the safety of the lines between the river Rouelle and the Chemin de Mons. Monsieur de Juvigny, his Highness the Prince de CondÉ is not a man to make this attack without securing some diversion in his favour. Lead your regiment down to support the troops of Loraine and the household forces, and bid them be upon the alert, for it would not surprise me if Don Juan or the Count de Marsin beat up their quarters."

I lost no time in obeying the orders, while the continued fire from Mont Azin showed me that the business was not yet concluded in that direction. Ere I had reached the quarters of Loraine, however, a few straggling shots from the lines in the neighbourhood of the little river Rouelle showed me that Turenne had not been mistaken, when he anticipated an attack on his side of the town likewise. I was at that moment within five hundred yards of that part of the lines; and as there was a good open space before me for the man[oe]uvres of cavalry, I halted the regiment, and rode on to ascertain how matters went. The next instant I met a company of infantry hurrying up; but before they could reach the palisade, it had been forced by the troops of the enemy at several points; and though the night was very dark, I could plainly perceive a strong body of Spanish infantry pushing forward by the side of the river. As the force already on the ground could offer no sufficient opposition to their progress, I felt it my duty to bring up the regiment, and make head against the enemy where first I met them. Our own company of foot gave them one discharge, just as I was approaching at the full trot; and taking advantage of some small confusion which this produced, I charged, and with very little difficulty drove them once more beyond the lines.

The adversary's force was at this point but small; and probably their object was more to occupy the troops of Turenne, and effect a diversion in favour of the attack of CondÉ, than really to attempt the relief of the town. By the time, however, that we had contrived to drive them back beyond the palisade, a regiment of infantry arrived to our support; and judging that the camp was now safe in that quarter, I proceeded to obey my first orders, and marched forward to join the household troops. As I rode on, I remarked that the firing had almost ceased in the quarters of Monsieur de la FertÉ, and I was led to hope that the adversary had also been repulsed there. A moment after, however, the sound of loud acclamations from the town, and a tremendous fire opened upon our trenches--which had been pushed to the edge of the fosse--showed me at once that the city had been relieved. Before I had proceeded a hundred yards farther, I met Monsieur de Turenne galloping back at the head of his guards; and he demanded, somewhat hastily, what had delayed me so long. I had never been famous for using many words, and I now replied, in as few as possible, that I had found the lines by the side of the lesser stream attacked and carried by the enemy, and that I had but paused to charge, and drive them out.

"You did right," replied the Marshal, with a smile; "Monsieur de la FertÉ has been unfortunate--the town is relieved--we must retreat; but there is no danger," he added, in a louder tone, "if the men will but show the calm courage of true Frenchmen."

I must confess that a good deal of confusion now succeeded. Turenne endeavoured instantly to withdraw his troops from the trenches; but notwithstanding all his skill and all his coolness, an immense number were lost. CondÉ and the forces from the town pressed upon us hard; but, nevertheless, we had sufficient time to evacuate the lines, and secure the principal part of our baggage and artillery, without any great annoyance from the enemy. My first care was to get poor little Clement upon a wagon, and to see him safely out of the camp, in which the panic and haste of a night engagement was spreading much more confusion than necessary. As soon as the baggage and artillery were secure, Turenne made no further attempt to maintain his position, but, merely presenting a bold front to the enemy whenever he saw the likelihood of a renewed attack, he caused regiment after regiment to evacuate the lines, remaining himself till the last man had quitted them.

When we were once out of the camp, and in free and open ground, order and tranquillity were soon restored; and so skilfully did Turenne conduct his march, that the enemy, though now infinitely superior to ourselves in number, did not dare to attack us.

The rest of the incidents of that campaign were certainly interesting enough to military men; but as it is my own history, and not the history of Europe, that I am writing, I must turn once more to the subject of self. There now existed a continual struggle in my mind, in order to familiarise my thoughts with the idea of Laura de Villardin becoming the wife of another. I tried to impress upon my heart, as it was already impressed upon my understanding, that she never could be mine, and that her hand must be bestowed upon the Count de Laval; and I fancied that, by continually keeping this image before my eyes, while I daily exercised my resolution by the contemplation, I should be able to tranquillize the pain I suffered, and even to quell my love by the certainty of its hopelessness. In some degree, I certainly succeeded--if, indeed, I may so call it; for the object that I attained was very different from that which I strove for. I did not remove one pang from my heart, but I learned to bear them; I did not in the least diminish my love, or for a moment forget her that inspired it, but I learned the means of concealing it within my own bosom, and hiding its existence, in some sort, even from myself. What was, perhaps, worse than all, at least in its effect, I lulled myself in an imaginary security; fancied that I could command both my feelings and my actions; and determined that, however much I might suffer internally, I would behave in every respect as if no feelings but those of fraternal regard actuated me towards Laura de Villardin. The delusion was one which nothing but love could enable a man to practise on himself, especially after having marked, with keen and interested eyes, in my early youth, the very same conduct pursued by Lord Masterton, and having seen how entirely it had failed. Nevertheless, the deception with myself was quite complete; and though, perhaps, I had that degree of apprehension in regard to my own resolutions, which would have made me very willingly remain with the army, even in winter quarters, had such a thing been required, yet I had so taught myself to believe that it was absolutely necessary for me to act entirely as an indifferent person, that I took not the slightest step to obtain any of those small appointments, which would have been granted me at once, and which would have afforded a fair excuse for absenting myself from a place so dangerous to my peace.

It must not, however, be thought that, on all days and at all times, during the six months we spent with the army, my feelings or resolutions remained in the same state. Quite the contrary; though I have detailed what was the general result, yet my mood and my thoughts were in a continual state of fluctuation; and a thousand trifles would occur, from day to day, to give a new course to my sentiments, in which they would remain for a few hours, and then, after calm reflection, would be overruled by my former determinations. Thus, many a time, a casual word from Monsieur de Villardin, or from little Clement de la Marke, concerning her I loved, her conduct during the past, or her prospects for the future, would throw me back into one of my fits of wild despair; and, forgetting every better thought, I would rush into the very teeth of danger, and court death, like a madman, wherever he was to be found. Then, again, I would fall into deep and gloomy musings, which would occupy me for whole days; and then I would almost be tempted to commit a greater act of madness than all, and, acknowledging my love and my despair, pour out my blood at her feet.

All these paroxysms, however, lasted but their time; and still reflection restored to me my former determinations, which gradually became more and more fixed, as, passing through the rest of the campaign, I followed Turenne in all his brilliant movements and successful enterprises, till at length, in the end of November, the army re-entered France, was dispersed in winter quarters in Picardy, and I returned with Monsieur de Villardin to Paris.