The Works of Thomas Hood; Vol. 01 (of 11) / Comic and Serious, in Prose and Verse, With All the Original Illustrations

OUR VILLAGE.

“Sweet Auburn, loveliest village of the plain.”—GOLDSMITH.

I HAVE a great anxiety to become a topographer, and I do not know that I can make an easier commencement of the character, than by attempting a description of our village. It will be found, as my friend the landlord over the way says, that “things are drawn mild.”

I live opposite the Green Man. I know that to be the sign, in spite of the picture, because I am told of the fact in large gilt letters, in three several places. The whole-length portrait of “l’homme verd” is rather imposing. He stands plump before you, in a sort of wrestling attitude, the legs standing distinctly apart, in a brace of decided boots, with dun tops, joined to a pair of creole-coloured leather breeches. The rest of his dress is peculiar; the coat, a two-flapper, green and brown, or, as they say at the tap, half-and-half; a cocked hat on the half cock; a short belt crossing the breast like a flat gas-pipe. The one hand stuck on the greeny-brown hip of my friend, in the other a gun with a barrel like an entire butt, and a butt like a brewer’s whole stock. On one side, looking up at the vanished visage of his master, is all that remains of a liver-and-white pointer—seeming now to be some old dog from India, for his white complexion is turned yellow, and his liver is more than half gone!

The inn is really a very quiet, cozy, comfortable inn, though the landlord announces a fact in larger letters, methinks, than his information warrants, viz., that he is “Licensed to deal in Foreign Wines and Spirits.” All innkeepers, I trust, are so licensed; there is no occasion to make so brazen a brag of this sinecure permit.

* * * * * *

THE LADY OF “OUR VILLAGE.”

I had written thus far, when the tarnished gold letters of the Green Man seemed to be suddenly re-gilt; and on looking upwards, I perceived that a sort of sky-light had been opened in the clouds, giving entrance to a bright gleam of sunshine, which glowed with remarkable effect on a yellow post-chaise in the stable-yard, and brought the ducks out beautifully white from the black horse-pond. Tempted by the appearance of the weather, I put down my pen and strolled out for a quarter of an hour before dinner to inhale that air, without which, like the chameleon I cannot feed. On my return, I found, with some surprise, that my papers were a good deal discomposed; but, before I had time for much wonder, my landlady entered with one of her most obliging courtesies, and observed that she had seen me writing in the morning, and it had occurred to her by chance, that I might by possibility have been writing a description of the village. I told her that I had actually been engaged on that very subject. “If that is the case, of course, Sir, you would begin, no doubt, about the Green Man, being so close by; and I dare say, you would say something about the sign, and the Green Man with his top boots, and his gun, and his Indian liver-and-white pointer, though his white to be sure is turned yellow, and his liver is more than half gone.” “You are perfectly right, Mrs. Ledger,” I replied, “and in one part of the description, I think I have used almost your own very words.” “Well, that is curious, Sir,” exclaimed Mrs. L., and physically, not arithmetically, casting up all her hands and eyes. “Moreover, what I mean to say, is this; and I only say that to save trouble. There’s a young man lodges at the Green Grocer’s over the way, who has writ an account of the village already to your hand. The people about the place call him the Poet, but, anyhow, he studies a good deal, and writes beautiful; and, as I said before, has made the whole village out of his own head. Now, it might save trouble, Sir, if you was to write it out, and I am sure I have a copy, that, as far as the loan goes, is at your service, Sir.” My curiosity induced me to take the offer; and as the poem really forestalled what I had to say of the Hamlet, I took my landlady’s advice and transcribed it,—and here it is.

OUR VILLAGE.—BY A VILLAGER.

OUR village, that’s to say not Miss Mitford’s village, but our village of Bullock Smithy,

Is come into by an avenue of trees, three oak pollards, two elders, and a withy;

And in the middle, there’s a green of about not exceeding an acre and a half;

It’s common to all, and fed off by nineteen cows, six ponies, three horses, five asses, two foals, seven pigs, and a calf!

Besides a pond in the middle, as is held by a similar sort of common law lease,

And contains twenty ducks, six drakes, three ganders, two dead dogs, four drown’d kittens, and twelve geese.

Of course the green’s cropt very close, and does famous for bowling when the little village boys play at cricket;

Only some horse, or pig, or cow, or great jackass is sure to come and stand right before the wicket.

There’s fifty-five private houses, let alone barns and workshops, and pig-sties, and poultry huts, and such-like sheds;

With plenty of public-houses—two Foxes, one Green Man, three Bunch of Grapes, one Crown, and six King’s Heads.

The Green Man is reckon’d the best, as the only one that for love or money can raise

A postillion, a blue jacket, two deplorable lame white horses, and a ramshackled “neat post-chaise.”

There’s one parish church for all the people, whatsoever may be their ranks in life or their degrees,

Except one very damp, small, dark, freezing-cold, little Methodist chapel of Ease;

And close by the church-yard, there’s a stone-mason’s yard, that when the time is seasonable

Will furnish with afflictions sore and marble urns and cherubims very low and reasonable.

There’s a cage, comfortable enough; I’ve been in it with Old Jack Jeffrey and Tom Pike;

For the Green Man next door will send you in ale, gin, or any thing else you like.

I can’t speak of the stocks, as nothing remains of them but the upright post;

But the pound is kept in repairs for the sake of Cob’s horse, as is always there almost.

There’s a smithy of course, where that queer sort of a chap in his way, Old Joe Bradley,

Perpetually hammers and stammers, for he stutters and shoes horses very badly.

There’s a shop of all sorts, that sells every thing, kept by the widow of Mr. Task;

But when you go there it’s ten to one she’s out of every thing you ask.

You’ll know her house by the swarm of boys, like flies, about the old sugary cask.

There are six empty houses, and not so well paper’d inside as out,

For bill-stickers won’t beware, but sticks notices of sales and election placards all about.

That’s the Doctor’s with a green door, where the garden pots in the windows is seen;

A weakly monthly rose that don’t blow, and a dead geranium, and a tea-plant with five black leaves and one green.

As for hollyoaks at the cottage doors, and honeysuckles and jasmines, you may go and whistle;

But the Tailor’s front garden grow two cabbages, a dock, a ha’porth of pennyroyal, two dandelions, and a thistle.

There are three small orchards—Mr. Busby’s the schoolmaster’s is the chief—

With two pear-trees that don’t bear; one plum and an apple, that every year is stripped by a thief.

There’s another small day-school too, kept by the respectable Mrs. Gaby;

A select establishment, for six little boys and one big, and four little girls and a baby.

There’s a rectory, with pointed gables and strange odd chimneys that never smokes,

For the rector don’t live on his living like other Christian sort of folks;

There’s a barber’s, once a-week well filled with rough black-bearded shock-headed churls,

And a window with two feminine men’s heads, and two masculine ladies in false curls;

There’s a butcher’s and a carpenter’s and a plumber’s and a small green-grocer’s, and a baker,

But he won’t bake on a Sunday, and there’s a sexton that’s a coal-merchant besides, and an undertaker;

And a toy-shop, but not a whole one, for a village can’t compare with the London shops;

One window sells drums, dolls, kites, carts, bats, Clout’s balls, and the other sells malt and hops.

And Mrs. Brown, in domestic economy not to be a bit behind her betters,

Lets her house to a milliner, a watchmaker, a rat-catcher, a cobbler, lives in it herself, and it’s the post-office for letters.

Now I’ve gone through all the village—ay, from end to end, save and except one more house,

But I haven’t come to that—and I hope I never shall—and that’s the Village Poor-House!

AN UNFORTUNATE BEE-ING.

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