No cambric needle ever had its eye sot any keener and firmer onto the North pole, than Josiah Allen’s wife had her keen gray eye aimed at the good of the Human Race, so I thought I would go and see Horace first. But Jonothan Beans’es ex-wife told me he had gone away for the day, to some great rally in a neighborin’ village. I didn’t have the least idee what she meant by “rally,” but I answered her in a bland way that “I hoped he would have good luck and get quite a mess of it,” and then says I, “It won’t make a mite of difference with me, I can go to Miss Woodhulls’es first.”

Betsey was rampent to go to the Theater, “Barnums Amusement,” and the “Centre of the Park,” and some of the meetin’ houses with big steeples, and other places of amusement. But I says to her as we wended our way on, “Betsey, these old bones of mine will repose in Jonesville to-morrer night, as the poet saith, ‘In my own delightful feather bed.’ And Betsey, they couldn’t rest there, if they looked back and see that they didn’t do all they could while here, for the advancement of the Race, and for improvin’ of my own mind.” Says I, “I didn’t come to this village for vain pleasure, I have got a high mission to perform about, and a mind to improve upon.”

I thought we would jest run in a few minutes to Miss Hookers’es, but her hired girl says to me at the door says she,

“Miss Hooker is engaged.”

I looked the hired girl full in the face, and says I,

“What of it, what if she is?”

Then says the hired girl, “She hain’t to home.”

Says I, “Why didn’t you say so, in the first out, and not go to beatin’ round the bush.” Says I, for I was determined to do all the good I could to the Human Race, “Miss Hooker is a first rate woman, and it haint a hired girl’s place to talk about her mistress’es family matters and love affairs.”

When we got to Miss Woodhulls’es we went up the front doorsteps, and I knocked to the door, Betsey says, “Ring the bell.”

Well says I, “I hain’t particuler, hand it along.” I thought mebby she had got one in her pocket, and wanted me to ring it to pass away the time, while we was standin’ on the doorstep a waitin’ for Miss Woodhull to come and open the door.

But Betsey reached by me, and took holt of a little silver nub, by the side of the door, put there for a orniment, and pulled it.

Says I, “Don’t be so impatient Betsey. She’ll be here in a minute, don’t go to foolin’ and tearin’ the house down to pass away time.”

Jest at that minute a little Black African came to the door, he looked impudent at us, and says he,

“Miss Woodhull hain’t to home,” and he shet the door right in our faces. We was jest goin’ down the doorsteps, when the door opened agin, and a little figger came out, that at the first view baffled me. Says I to myself, “Is it a man, or is it a woman?” It had a woman’s face but a man’s pantaloons. I was baffled. But Josiah Allen’s wife hain’t one to give up the ship while there is ½ a plank left. I was determined to get all the knowledge I could while on my tower. I was determined to get information on every deep and mysterious subject I could. And so I walked up to it, and says I in a low voice and polite as I could, for fear of hurtin’ its feelin’s,

“Be you a man sir? or a women mom?”

It wasn’t mad a bit, (I say it, for I didn’t know then in what gender to put it.) It looked me so pleasant in the face, and yet so searchin’ly, that I was kinder flustrated, and says I, in a kind of awe struck tone,

“I hope you won’t be offended, I only ask for information. Be you a masculine, femenine or neutral gender?”

It smiled agin, jest as pleasant as one of my glass jars of maple sugar, and then it opened its mouth and said,

“I am Dr. Mary Walker.”

I don’t know when I have been so tickled; nothin’ is sweeter than knowledge to the inquirin’ mind, when it has been baffled. Says I,

“Mary I am glad to see you,” and I give her hand such a shakin’ that it looked red as a beet when I leggo. Says I,

“I am gladder to see you than I would be to see any nephew or neice I have got in the world. I am as glad to see you as I would be to see any brother or sister of mine.”

Says she, “I can’t recall your countenance.”

Says I, “Mary, I am Josiah Allen’s wife.”

“Oh!” says she, “I have read your eloquent orations on wimmin’ havin’ a right. I am happy to make your acquaintance.” Then and there I introduced Betsey.

Says she, “Did you call to see Miss Woodhull?”

“Yes,” says I, “I wanted to talk to her, for she is in the wrong, but she haint to home.”

Says she, “she is to home, and you shall see her, a few friends of the cause, have met here to-day, but they are about all gone.” She went right up the doorsteps agin, and instead of knockin’, she ketched holt of that silver nob, that Betsey had been a foolin’ with. Mary was so excited that she didn’t really know what she was about, or else she would have made some move towards gettin’ in to the house. But it was jest as well, for that impudent faced little Black African happened to come to the door agin jest at the right time. And she spoke up kinder sharp like,

“Show these ladies into the parlor, they are friends of mine, and Miss Woodhull will be glad to see ’em.”

He looked as if he would sink, and I didn’t care if he did, clear through to the suller. I should have been glad to have seen him sunk.

I looked severe at him after I had gripped Mary’s hand, and parted with her. He held the door open awful polite, and in a kind of a apoligy way he murtered somethin’ about,

“Sposin’ Miss Woodhull was engaged.”

Says I pretty sharp, “Sposin’ she is engaged, is that any reason you should turn Betsey and me out doors?” Says I, “I didn’t keep our folks’es doors locked up when I got engaged to Josiah.” Says I, “sposen’ Miss Woodhull is engaged, she ought to have been engaged, and married, years ago.”

I was in the wrong, and I see it, and ketched holt of my principles convulsively, for I see that my indignant emotions towards that little lyin’ imp was a shakin’ ’em. I hadn’t no right to be a speakin’ aginst the woman of the house to their hired help. I felt as mean as pusley to think I had done it, and says I, mildly,

“I am glad Miss Woodhull is engaged to be married, it takes a load off’en my mind,” says I, “I presume she will settle doun and make a real likely woman.”

At that minute, a door opened right across the hall, and a man come out and shet it agin, and he ketched right holt of my arm, the first thing, and says he,

“Come, Marier Jane, or Marier Ann,” says he, “I can’t really call to mind your precise name this minute, but I think it is Marier any way, or mebby it is Mary Ann. Come, Mary Ann, it is time to be a goin’ home.”

I looked at him with almost fearful dignity, and I says to him with a air so cold that he must have thought it blowed off of Greenland’s icy mountain,

“Leggo of my arm!”

But he never budged a inch, and I jest raised my umberell, and says I, “If you don’t leggo of my arm, I’ll make you leggo.”

Then he leggo. And he stood back a little, but he looked piercin’ly and searchin’ly into my face, and says he,

“You are my wife, haint you?”

Then again I spoke with that fearful dignity, and that cold and icy air, 50 degrees under Mr. Zero it was, if it was a degree.

“No Sir! I am proud and happy to say I am not your wife, I am Josiah Allen’s wife.”

He looked real meachin’, and says he, “I beg your pardon mom, but I’ve only been married to my last wife a few hours, havin’ got a divorce from a former companion after dinner yesterday, and I have been so busy since, that I haven’t really got the run of her face yet, though I thought,” he added dreamily, “that I should know that nose agin any where.”

I see that he was imposin’ on me. But I wasn’t goin’ to have my nose throwed in my face by him, and says I, “I am aware that my nose is a pretty sizeable one. But,” says I, in about as sarcastic a voice as I ever used in my life “it is a nose that haint never been wore off, and made smaller a pokin’ into other folks’es affairs. Pokin’ round a tryin’ to find wives where there haint none.”

“But mom, I was married between daylight and dark, and—”

But I wouldn’t stay to hear another word of his apoligys, I jest turned my back onto him, when the door opened agin, and a woman came out, and I’ll be hanged if her nose didn’t look like mine—a honorable Roman. The man looked at her in a kind of a undecided way, but she walked right up and took holt of his arm, and he brightened up, and says he. “Are you goin’ home now Mary Ann?”

“Yes,” says she, “but my name haint Mary Ann, it is Mehitable.”

“Wall,” said he, “I knew there was a M in it.” And he walked off with her, with a proud and triumphant mene.