How he was married, and what kind of thing his Wife.

I made strict enquiry after the condition of my intended Wifes Parents, and found by report they were very wealthy. In a short time we had conference together about the Portion, and my Estate, and therein we were all satisfied. My Courtship was very Noble, yet not Prodigal, for fear of giving offence; and in a little while we were married. By her looks I thought her so modest, that an unchaste thought durst not enter into her head, since all immodest expressions she banished from her ears.

The first night I thought to have had the first taste, but my experience told me the Tarriers had been there before. This struck me into an amazement, that there should appear such Virgin-whiteness, and the extract of innocence in her face, yet be guilty of a crime so notorious. Much perplext I was, but durst not vent my self, what was more than bare suspition. In one half years time what I intended to conceal could be hid no longer, being brought to bed three months before her time; and yet the Bawd her Midwife would make me believe this was usual; and that Children brought forth at six months might live.

Now began our domestick Civil Wars, which was carried on with such fury between us, that there was hardly an Utensil in the Kitchin that could rest in quiet from flying about our ears continually. My Wife acted the Silent Woman to the life, whilest in a single state; for before we were married all her answers were very short, comprehended within the two Monosyllables of I, and No; and those two must be forcibly extracted from her. But now her tongue wagg’d in a perpetual motion, and her voice so shrill and loud, that it would be heard distinctly, though a piece of Ordnance were discharged near her at the same time, or standing at the Bell-room-door whilest the Bells were ringing. Frequent were her complaints to her Father and Mother, which alienated their affection from me, so that their only study was how to be rid of me. Her forgeries (to excuse her own Devilry) had so instigated them, that they sought my ruine by all wayes imaginable. Besides they laid an Imbargo on the rest of my Wives portion unpaid; advising her withal to secure what she could, for her own self-preservation. She followed their instructions so exactly, that in a short time I found my self in a very declining condition, yet knew not the cause, till it was too late, conveying away both my goods and money, some whereof went to supply the necessities of her Stallion.

I was all along jealous of this, though I could not conclude her altogether so culpable. But my doubts and fears which of all are the sharpest passions, could not turn this distemper into a disease (although they lookt through false Opticks, making things appear like evening shadows, disproportionable to the truth, and strangely longer than the true substance) till knowledge hereof (confirmed me by the witnesses of my eyes) had banisht bare suspition.

Which was thus, One night I caused my self to be brought home by a Porter as dead drunk; my Wife received me in that condition (I perceived by peeping out of my eye-lids) with much satisfaction, and was immediately carried up to bed; with much difficulty they undrest me, pretending my self asleep all this while, and so they left me. It seems by the story that my Wife presently sent away the Maid (which was her Pimp) to her friend to come at such an hour. About nine of the clock the Maid was posted to bed; and about ten I heard one small knock at the door: he needed not to knock there any longer, for there was one below that was ready to receive him. When I judg’d they were incircled in each others arms, (which I understood by hearkning at the bottom of the stairs, and thereby knew whereabout they were) I ran in upon them with my Sword (which I had prepared ready) & thinking to have run them through the body, intending to make a passage for their Souls escape, I past my Sword through the fleshy part of both their thighs. At which they made a most hideous outcry, so that the Maid came running down: and a Watchman that stood just at my door hearing the noise, knockt at the door, to know what was the matter; the Maid apprehending the danger, let him in, who by the help of his Candle, never saw so strange a sight; for I had so pin’d them together, that they could not stir. As well as they could speak, they both begg’d their pardon for their lives only, which I granted, as looking on my revenge somewhat satisfied.

My Gentleman I dismist, but as for his Mistress I was forced to send for a Chyrurgeon, whose wound needed no probing, but tenting, for it was through and through. There was no concealing of what was done; wherefore in the morning early I acquainted her Parents with what had happen’d last night, insisting further, that since she had instead of putting off handsomly the Chain of Matrimony, rudely broke it, it should be her own damage; neither would I be at the cost of a visitation to repair the breach. To which I added, that had I deny’d her things requisite and necessary, or not performed duly my duty, she might have had some pretence for her slighting me, and look upon me only as a false Crow set up in a Garden, to keep others from the fruit it cannot taste it self. But since it was otherwise, and that she had nothing to object against me, but onely sometimes curbing her inordinate desires; I wisht them to save me the labour of having the Law to tear her from me, but that they would remove her elsewhere.

They reply’d but little, hastning to their daughter; and fearing worse mischief might ensue, they instantly conveyed her into the Country. She had not remained there long, before she was cured, and not enduring to be confined to solitariness, repaired again to the City, where now she lives, as such do that keep Civet-Cats; but I hear she is very reserved to all but such she knows she may intrust her self with. But let her go with these Lines pin’d to her back.

However, I must confess my own faults, as well as condemn others; which was, I was too inquisitive after that, which the more I knew, would the more disturb me. Of all things the less we know, the better. Curiosity in this renders a man as ridiculous a Coxcomb, as that Cuckold Sir John Suckling mentioneth, who made diligent enquiry, whether he was made so in a bed, or on a Couch, and whether his duty-officiating Cavalier pulled off his Spurs first or not, &c.

Well, it was my hard fate to Marry thus like one doom’d to prison, who expecting to lie in a private room, is confined to the Hole. Had I married the best, I believe I should have found my self in the Stocks. ’Tis strange that I of all men should be deceiv’d by this thing that was like a box bearing drugs not suitable to the inscription. Had not my passion hung in my eyes, when I lookt into her disposition and carriage, I might have easily understood that her behavior in the presence of me was only like action on a publick Stage, and that the evil of her natural inclinations were hid from me under the vail of silence and seeming modesty. And indeed my pallate was bed-ridden, and so scarce sensible of sauce, much less of meat. But since I have had such ill-luck in marriage, which some vainly and falsly account a merry-age, I shall in the ensuing Discourse give you some instruction or advice as Land-marks. For having split upon this Rock, I may the better be a Pylot to another that would sail this way.