What a Trick he served a young man of his Acquaintance, whom he met withal accidentally; how he was pinched with hunger, and what wayes he invented to kill it.

I made all the speed I could to London, knowing the largeness of that Vast City would afford conveniency for my concealment. But then my cloaths much troubled me, knowing nothing would betray me sooner than they. Whilst I was studying all imaginable wayes for my preservation, such an opportunity presented it self, that therein it was plainly seen the Fates had decreed of old to favour my enterprizes. As I said, walking the streets, and ruminating what was best to be done, I met with a young Man of my acquaintance, who seeing me, ran and caught me in his Arms, and with very much joy we congratulated each other, and so as is usual when Friends meet we must drink together. Over our cups, I began to inquire after his condition: He shook his head, and so related to me a sad story, which in effect was to this purpose in his own words.

Dearest Friend, since last I saw you, never was young Man so unfortunate as my self, the cause thereof I can impute to nothing more than self-conceit, and over-much credulity; which by the sequel you will plainly understand. For perceiving that my Mistress shewed me more then a common respect, I concluded that she had entertained some private favour for me within her breast, so that I began to be puft up with conceit; neglecting my duty, and now despising the Chamber-maid, who was before the only Saint I made nightly my oraizons too; withal, I carried my self so imperiously, that my Master was not very well assured whether he durst command or no. My Mistress would sometimes heartily laugh, to see how ridiculous I carryed myself; which I looked upon as a singular favour, mistaking her smiles for tokens of her love, when they were no other than the apparent Symptomes of her derision. Observing how affable and pleasing she was, I never considered the generality of it, so that my self-flattering noddle supposed this carriage particular to me, and thereupon interpreted this her complacencie strong affection; and by reason she was frequently merry and jocose, I concluded her salacious or Lecherous. Thus by the false lights of misconstruction and easie belief, I was led into Loves Labyrinth; My Masters affairs was less regarded than my Mistress supposed affection. In fine, I judged it absolutely necessary to make her acquainted with my Amorous Passion, and no expedient better than by Letter. My Mistress (as it is customary with Citizens Wives to light the Candle of their Husbands Estates at both ends) had her Country-house, to which I was sent by my Master, with some bottles of Wine, preparatory for a Feast intended for the accommodation of some special Friends: arriving, I found my Mistress had sent her Maid to London about some business, at which I bless’d my propitious stars, to direct me thither in such a fortunate and most desired hour.

After I had delivered my Message, I began to talk very familiar with my Mistress: she with a smiling countenance, ask’d me, What I meant? not in the least checking my presumption, which made me more arrogant and bold; telling her, I was her eternally devoted Servant; she answered me, I was bound to be her Servant for a time, and that I must, when commanded, obey her pleasure: to which last word, I added in my thoughts the Epithite Venereal, supposing she meant not to have left it out; with that I replyed, Mistress, I should not deem my self worthy to be your Servant, if my resolution had not ingaged me to be so perpetually; as for my affection, it shall dayly anticipate your desires; you shall not need to lay your commands on me, since my thoughts shall be solely imployed in contriving wayes how we may injoy each other, to the mutual satisfaction of us both. At which words, she fell into an excess of laughter, (which I judged the effects of joy) and then asked me, Whether I was Mad? I answered, No, unless too much love had made me so; Dearest Mistress, read but this Paper, and I hope that will better inform you.

Here he stopt, pulling out of his pocket a copy thereof, which was to my best remembrance to this purpose.

Dearest Mistress,

Frequently revolving in my thoughts the condition I now am in, Despair stands ready to seize me; but the consideration and knowledge of your commiserating Nature, draws me out of its ruinating Jaws. When I reflect again on the disparity of our Fortunes, and that it is your Indentured Vassal that thus prostrates his affection at your feet, I fear one blast of your just indignation will suddainly shipwreck all my hopes. I confess my error is overmuch confidence, for which I may expect ruine, which commonly attends rash Attempts; especially daring to sail in the narrow Seas, without any other Pilot than blind Love; and if I should arrive at my desired Port, I cannot deliver my Goods without stealing Custome. But waving all difficulties of this Nature, consider that Love must needs be quintessential, that is not drawn from any other interest than reciprocal enjoyment; and it must needs be exceeding strong and eminent too, that will force its way through the greatest hazards. Signifie my Pardon by one gracious smile, for what I have so boldly (yet forceably) discovered, and I shall esteem my condition little inferior to what is Celestial; which is no happiness to me, without the auspitious beams of your favour shine on me. And so subscribe my self according as your sentence shall be, either the

The Verses that were annext to the Letter, he told me he got a Rimer to compose for him, which afterwards he found stoln out of several Authors; a line out of one, and a half out of another, and so with the course thred of his brain botch’d together; which were these:

I withdrew as soon as I had delivered my Paper, giving her leave to read in private, what my Love had dictated. About a quarter of an hour after she called me to her, assuring me in a day or two I should receive an answer to the purpose; and so absconding her displeasure, she sent me with all expedition home again. After the expiration of three dayes, she came home to her City-house: at night she pretended some indisposition of body, and desired to lie by her self; which hearing, I thought my joy would prove a Traytor to my supposed happiness; she takes an occasion to tell me, About twelve at night I might come to her Bed-chamber, the door whereof she would leave open for me on purpose. In the mean time, she shewed my Master the Letter, acquainting him with the whole business. According to the time appointed, I entered the Chamber in my shirt; approaching the Bed, I began to pour out my Amorous Expressions; and as I had one leg upon the Bed-side, ready to enter the Bed, where I thought my Mistress had attended my pleasure, I thought the Devil had waited on my Posteriors, correcting me for not making more haste. The first lash was seconded with three or four more in an instant, which made me caper up and down so nimbly about the Room, that for my life I could not find the door; at last I did; speed was now the onely Guardian I had left, and so without pausing long upon it, I made but one step of the first pair of Stairs from top to the bottom, which had liked to have lamed me; before I could recover my self, my Master was with me again, which put fresh expedition into me; and so starting up, I leapt down half the next pair, and tumbled down the rest. By this time he had lost the cord of his Whip, and fearing lest he might spoil me with the stick, desisted bidding me go to bed, lest I should catch cold after so great a heat, and so with two or three parting blows I got into my chamber, where I fell into a deep consultation with my self, the result of it was this; I took my curtains and sheets, and tied them together, and then fastned one end thereof to the Window; after this I went out of the Window, and so slid; by that time I was within an half story of the ground, the knot of one of the Curtains slipt, so that falling from that height, I thought that every bone in my body had been absolutely broken. Knowing it was no wayes safe to lie there and cry God help me, I raised my self as well as I could, but I had not walked far, before I found my self in no condition of going, wherefore I resolved to lie under the next Stall. As the Devil would have it, I found a Coblers Stall newly broke open that very night: never questioning the place, I crept in, and notwithstanding my bruise by the fall, and whipping besides, I fell fast asleep, so soundly, that I awaked not, till I was forced to it with an horse-pox. For the Cobler coming to work early in the morning (according to his custome) found his door broken open; with that, he made an hideous noise, crying out, He was undone; for the day before he had laid out three shillings four pence, which was all his stock in Leather; all which was stoln, with many old shooes, nay his very working implements; doubtless it was done by one of his own Fraternity, that had informed himself of his late great purchase. The Cobler entring his Stall, found me in one corner fast asleep. He took no other course to awake me, than dragging me by the heels out of my Den, into the Street, crying out, That he had got one of the Rogues, and without any more adoe, fell upon me, buffeting me with his fist, and treading me underneath his feet, making himself both my Judge and Executioner: Thus you see one mischief attends the others heels. I begged him in a pittiful manner to let me alone, and I would confess to him all I knew, desiring him to go with me to the next Ale-house, which accordingly we did. I vowed to him I was no ways accessary to his wrong, informing him as much as I thought convenient of my sufferings, shewing him what a woful plight I was in; relating, it was my Masters cruelty that was the cause of all this, and no other fault of mine, then staying the last night out a little too long. The Cobler seemed to commiserate my misery, asking me forgiveness for what he had done, and so we parted. Since, by the kindness of a good natured Widow (where I lie) I have recovered my hurts and strength, and now am overjoyed we should so happily meet.

After this we drank very smartly, but, I forgot not all this while my design on him. After that I had pitied him, and lamented his sad misfortune, I thought it high time to put my Plot in execution: in order thereunto, I demanded what difference he would take between my Hat and his, his Cloak and mine; there being small matter of advantage in the exchange, we agreed to go to handicap. In fine, There was not any thing about us of wearing cloaths but we interchanged: scarce had I un-cased my self, and put on my Friends cloaths, but in came one that had dogged me, attended by the Constable, with a Warrant to seize me, who they knew by no other token but my Boarding-Mistresses Sons garments I had stolen for my escape. They forthwith laid hold on my Companion, (finding them on him) telling him, He should severely suffer for the wrong he did his Mistress, in the abuse of her house. Full of horror and amazement, he beseeched them not to carry him before his Mistress, knowing how much he had offended her, she would have no mercy on him; this confirmed their belief, that they had found out the Offender. The more he intreated, the more deaf and inexorable were they; and whilst they were busied about their mistaken Criminal-Prisoner, I took an occasion to give them the slip, knowing that a little further discourse would rectifie their Error. What they did with him I know not, neither durst I be so inquisitive to understand: wherefore, leaving him to the mercy of such, as would shew but little to him, I shall proceed forwards in my own story. My stock was now very small; how to increase it, I knew not. My invention was daily on the Rack, to find out expedient wayes to supply my necessary expence. But my money being all spent, my belly began to grumble out insufferable complaints against me, seeming to charge me with want of ingenuity and industry, since I injoyed my liberty; for want that man cannot, which wants not that. Alas, what should I do? I used what means I could, having no better experience. There was not a Billiard Table, Boards End, or Nine-Pin-yard, that I did not daily visit, frequenting such as had the greatest resort: in a short time I learned the art of Spunging so perfectly, that I had the Title of Spunge-Master General conferred upon me. In those places I learned to take Tobacco, which was the chiefest part of my food; living in a manner by Smoak, as the Camelion by Air. I fed so lightly, that I durst not stir abroad in a high wind; neither durst I fight, lest one single stroak should have hazarded my dissolution; continued drinking had so washed me, that my body was transparent, you might have seen within me (without dissection) the motion of the heart; you could have observed but little as to my liver, it long since had lost its use in the conveyance of the blood, for my stomack had nothing therein contained to supply it; like an Inns-a-Court-Kitchin out of Term-time. In short, I appeared like a walking Skeleton. I had several suggestions within me to proffer my self again to my Master; but the shame to be seen in that condition, deterred me; wherefore, I resolved to weather it out a little longer, and try whether Fortune would once more be favourable to me. My cloaths were indifferent good, which could not but procure me credit, if I would make experiment. By means whereof I had gotten an handsome lodging chamber. It was a publick house of entertainment, so that here I thought I should have meat, drink and lodging for chalk, and chalk for nothing. I called freely for what was in the house, which was readily brought me; but when the servants beheld with what celerity, (Hocus like) and cleanly conveyance, I had disposed of what was before me, they verily believed in one week I would cause a dearth in the house if I staid; wherefore, one of the servants acquainted her Mistress with what she had observed, alleadging further invectively against me, That I looked like one of those lean Beasts which have nothing given them to feed on, but vertuous and honest Women; that she believed I was the Genius of some hunger-starved wretch, or a shaddow without a substance, (which was very true as to my pocket.) When I thought it was time to go to Bed, I call’d for a candle, not mattering whether I called for a Reckoning. But my Landlady did; for said she, Sir, It is our custome to reckon with our Lodgers every night what they have that day, and once a week to discharge their lodging. In truth I did intend to have discharged my self of it before the week had been out. I knew not what at present to answer her, but I was seldom to seek in such cases. I desired her to be content for that night, on the morrow I would have my Trunks brought to her house, making it my Quarters for some time; and that she should find me a boon Companion, drinking freely: I believe so, she said, you will be here for some time, or may be you will make this your Refuge or Sanctuary for one night; and then you say you will drink freely too, give me leave to tell you, you meant at free cost. Sir, give me my reckoning now, or you shall have no lodging here this night. Do you suspect me, Landlady, said I? Respect you, said she, (mistaking the word) for what grounds, unless I knew you better? and yet I doubt I shall know you too well. That’s a good one indeed, respect a skinfull of Bones; a bag of Chessmen; a bundle of small Faggot-sticks. Why, thou Haberdasher of small wares, dost thou think I will respect thee otherways than for thy moneys? unless I should be so mad as to fall in love with Famine. Come, give me my reckoning first, and I shall talk with you in another Dialect; if not, I shall set my Currs at thee (the Tapster and Hostler) that shall worry thy gibb’d Catship. Hearing her say so, & thinking the passage had been clear, I betook my self to flight; but running thorow the Entry, I ran my belly directly against the Tapsters leg, that lay over the bench on which he slept. I ran so fiercely, that I shoved his head so violently against the board rais’d at the end of the bench, that I made his neck double; the knock likewise had like to have turn’d that little brains he had within his head. As for my own part, I thought that his foot had run quite into my belly, and that pulling it out he had left his shooe behind. Before I could rise, I had three or four about me, which I thought would have limbed me, as boys falling out do their cocks on Shrove-Tuesday. At that time I would have spared them one limb, provided that would have contented them. But there was no mercy to be had at their hands, especially the shrill note of their Mistresses perpetually moving Tongue, sounding a charge in their ears. Being tyred with me, they would be revenged of my cloaths. They would have stript me (I think stark naked) for my Reckoning, but that one said, Let his Cloak suffice; at which, another pulled so furiously at it, that miraculously, without rending that thin transparent garment, he got it all but the cape. In this condition I was brought before my new Landlady; I asked her what was to pay? Sirrah (said she) more then thou hast in thy Pocket; (2 s. 4 d.) As well as I could speak, I demanded how it came to be so much. Why, (said she) there is for Beef 1 s. for Bread 4 d. six pipes of Tobacco, and three pots of Ale; all this thou hadst in less then half an hour. I would not contradict her, though I knew it was near an hour; I desired her to keep my Cloak for the reckoning, but durst not threaten her for her abuse. Being about Hay-making time, I walked out into the Fields, resolving to spend that night in contemplation. I had now time to consider the damage I sustained in this skirmish: they had carried away all my Ribbands with their fingers, otherwise my cloaths received the least harm. My Nose resembled a black pudding before it is boyled, and my Eyes were fled into my head for fear of such melancholy meat. My Cheeks were so puft up with swelling pride, that they were resolved to close up the portals of my Opticks, that they might not be eye-witnesses of the height of their ambition. My Ears were so maulled with their fleshy Hammers, that I heard a peal within my head for joy, I suppose, that my eyes had taken up their residence within my brains. At last I felt something about my shoulders; at first I thought it had been the weight of the blows, but feeling, found it a part of my friend that still hung about my neck, and would not leave me; which put me in minde of that faithful Cloak that would never leave its Master, although his Master had attempted all ways imaginable to leave it. I must needs say, I loved my Cloak so well, as that it grieved me much to be compelled to part with it. It had been a servant to servants, ever since the setting up of the first Billiard-table, whence it deriv’d its Pedegree. Being deprived of its imployment, and dipossest of its antient habitation, its heart-strings were ready to break, and being not able to take a nap for grief, turned changeling. The young man I had it of, told me, that from the fifteenth successively, it was descended to him: but they were unworthy to him, that having had his best days, would turn him off in his extream old age. I have him so fresh in my memory, that I cannot but condole his loss.

Day appearing, I got me a stick out of a hedge, and so walked in Querpo into the City. I walked up and down, but met with none of my acquaintance on whom I might fasten on as a bur. Noon approaching, my belly began to Chime, I thought all the meat in East-cheap would not lay that spirit hunger had raised within me. Coming by a bakers shop, I pretended to be ignorant of the City, & as I was asking him the way to such a place, not caring what, I happily secured a penny loaf, which I carried off undiscovered; I thought it not good to cumber my pocket with it, wherefore at two bits I gave it my belly to carry. Surely at that time I had an Ostriches stomack; every thing I put into my mouth, passed through me like Quick-silver. Going a little farther, I came to an Ordinary, where I saw two sitting in a lower Room expecting their meat: I sate me down in the next little box to them. Immediately there was brought to them powdred Beef and Turnips; the young Man that served them, came to me, demanding what I would have, I bid him let me alone, and not speak too loud, for those two which were next me, were my very good friends, and I would startle them by and by with my unexpected appearance; at which he left me. Finding my opportunity, I slipt my hands through a hole, in the form of an heart, which was in the partition that divided us, and laying hold on the Turnips, I spake aloud, You hoggs, are ye at the Roots? I will make one among you instantly, and so brought out my handful; having devoured them in a trice, I presented my self to their view, and sate down with them: Gentlemen, said I, excuse my frollick, I am in a merry humour to day. They concluded what I said to be a truth, and bad me welcome. Nay, said I, meat will come instantly as a supply; and so it had need, for we made a clear board immediately. Seeing this, they called the boy, taxing him for sloth, that he did not bring my meat. Sir, said he, the Gentleman did not order me to bring any; at which they frown’d, and began to charge me with incivility. What are ye angry? said I. To which they replied Affirmatively: If so, I answered, (laying my hand upon a full pot of Ale) I value your anger no more than the drinking this Pot, which I swallowed at two gulps, and so bid them farewel; leaving them to call for another Ordinary.