What a Trick he served his Comrade; how himself was Trapan’d; his own Cloaths taken from him; the Bawd out of pretended pity, invested him with an old petticoat and wastcoat; his admittance into a Boarding-School; his getting many of the Gentlewomen with Child; his discovery, and his flight.

From one Bawdy-house to another, was our dayly Travel, still finding out some variety that might please us. About the twylight, coming along by a well-built house, I saw a Gentlewoman richly Attired standing by the door, who, as I passed by, very civilly saluted me, and so withdrew her self. I followed her in, as very well understanding how to interpret such actions. She brought us into a spacious Inner-room, and then with much civility and good carriage, invited us to sit down. She called to her servant to bring some bottles of Wine, resolving to make us pay dearly for her extraordinary Favours. By our habits she took us for no less then persons of Quality; for we had gallantly accoutred our selves; and I thought that Fortune now had designed me her chiefest favorite, in throwing this unexpected blessing upon me. She caused her Lute to be brought her, to which she sung so harmonically, that the Musick of the Sphears are no more to be compared to it, then a Scotch Bagpipe to an Organ. This so intoxicated my Comrade, with the Wine together (not but that they had a great operation on my self) that he fell fast asleep, (alias dead drunk.) Glad I was to my very heart of this accident, fearing he might be a Rival in my intention: and to the intent I might remove all Remora’s or Impediments that might hinder my sole enjoyment of this Lady, I consulted with my self what to do with him: I was not long about it, but streight found out this cunning Plot, which was to send him home to his Master. Love to a Woman is so forceable, that what will it not do? to sum up all, make a man betray his Friend. I made an Apology to the Gentlewoman for his incivility, and requested the favour to have her servant procure me a Porter; whilst she was gone to execute my desires, I searcht his Pockets, and took away all his Gold; for we had converted all our money into that metal, which we always made our Vade mecum. To ingratiate my self with this Gentlewoman, I acquainted her with my design; which she heartily laughed at. I farther desired of her, that I might have a Card and a piece of paper. On the Card I wrote a superscription, and pinned it on his back, directing the thing to his Master, living in such a place: with the paper, I wrote a Letter to him to this effect.

I gave the Porter instructions, that he should but just put him within the doors, and leave the Letter, and so with all speed to come away, to prevent examination: he brought me word he had performed my order: what discants were made hereon, I shall leave the Reader to imagine. By this time I had gained my Mistress with a shower of Gold, which had so far prevailed on her, that she protested she was wholly and solely at my devotion. I would have had her to have gone immediately to bed; but she told me, There would be time enough before morning to sport in, and that we should be both tired, if we went to bed so soon. Wherefore, to divert our selves, we drank and sung together in parts, I my self having indifferent good judgment. Having spun out the time so long till it was time to go to bed, she then conducted me to the Chamber where she intended we should lie. Though she made what haste she could to undress her self, yet me thought she was purposely tedious. I commended before, her Vocal and Instrumental Musick; but then I esteemed no other Musick sweeter then what the Tag made against her Bodice when she was unlacing her self. About two a Clock in the Morning, three or four fellows rushed into our Room; at which I awakened, but made as little noise as a Perdue. My Mistress leaping out of the Bed, they seized on her, gagged and bound her; and then opening the two leaves of the Window that was the entrance into the Belcony, they came in all haste to the Bed, and in a trice, had rowled up the Bed so close, that they had like to have stifled me in the middle on’t: though they dragged me in the Bed from off the Bedsteed, rudely letting me fall on the ground; yet I felt no harm; every part of me was so well guarded, that in that condition, I might have bid defiance to a Canon-Bullet. But when I heard them talk of flinging the Bed over the Belcony to their Companions, I thought I should have died instantly for fear, knowing I must of necessity go with it. Whereupon I cryed out as loud as I could, and struggling, I got a little place open, and then I roar’d like Phalaris his Bull. They seeming to be surprized with my unexpected noise, fled, fastning a Rope to the Belcony, and so slid down into the street. Perceiving they were all gone, I groped about the Room (for it was very dark) speaking very lowly, Where are you Madam? repeating it often; but much wondring I could not hear her answer me. As I was feeling round the Room, stretching forth my hands, I chanced to run one of my hands against her, and one of my fingers into her mouth: I thought my finger had strayed at first, mistaking the place; but searching farther, and finding teeth, I knew then whereabout I was, and discovered withal a stick in her mouth, keeping it wide open, as Butchers do their Sheep with a Gambrel. But having removed this obstacle of her speech, she begged me to untie her hands; which having done, she her self untied her feet; and with that, she would have clasped me in her Arms; but I hung an arse, being sensible of the stinking condition that the fear had put me in. She was very inquisitive after my welfare, asking me again and again, Whether I had received any harm from the Rogues. I told her no: Nay, then I care not for my own sufferings, or what loss I have sustained by them, said she, and so speedily went for a candle. As I was thinking to Apologize for my nastiness, up she came with a light, viewing me, and perceiving what a condition I was in, she kept at a distance; Sir, said she, my fancy suggests to me, that you now resemble Nebuchadnezzar when Metamorphozed into a beast, and lying in his own dung, when you shall have reassumed your humanity, I shall presume to approach nearer to you. I made my Sirreverence to her, wishing they had gagged her breech too so wide, that her guts might have a passage through her posteriours. For I plainly perceived, notwithstanding all her specious pretences, she was the foundress of this Plot. Well, she caused water to be brought up, with which I cleansed my self; and because my shirt had too strong a sent of Stercus humanum, she lent me a Smock, which presaged ere long I should wear Coats too. Having shifted my self, I looked for my Cloaths, but there was a Non est inventus out against them, all my search could afford me not the least comfort: my Mistress seemed much disturbed at my loss; but when I told her I had lost such a considerable quantity of Gold, her sorrow seemed to be redoubled, and I am sure her inward joy was increased. She comforted me with a great many friendly loving expression, sdesiring me to be patient, and indeed necessity forced me to it. I asked her advice what I should do in this naked condition: There is no remedy, (she replyed) you must be content to cloath your self in Womans apparel, as for mans I have none to furnish you withal. I consented to it, and presently she drest me up in one of her Gowns, with all the appurtenances thereunto belonging. The slenderness of my body, whiteness of skin, beauty, and smoothness of face (having no hairs thereon) added a suitableness to my garb. I must ingeniously confess, when I consulted with a Looking-glass, I thought the transmutation of Sexes had been verified in me; but when I walked, I found something pendulous, which easily perswaded me to the contrary belief of my self. I thought it folly to tax her for my misfortune, knowing how little it would advantage me. The time was come I was to take my leave of her: going to salute her, I committed a foul mistake, indeavouring to pull off my hood in stead of my hat, and making a Leg (as the vulgar term is) in stead of a Curchy; but she advising me to rectifie that mistake for the time to come, we bid each other adieu. In this disguize I traversed the streets, it being almost impossible for any to discover me, my voice being so effeminate, that I was confident that would never betray me. As I walkt, I consulted with Reason what was most expedient. My invention (as at all times) was now ready to assist me; and thus it was. Finding a Bill on a door, I knocked, desiring to see what Lodgings they had; I was very civilly intreated to come in, and was shown several Rooms with much respect, for my female habit was very gallant, and so it had need, for it cost me dearer than so much cloath of Gold. I pitch’d at last upon a Chamber extraordinary well furnished; I never scrupled the price, (because they should look on me as a person of Quality) but agreed to my Landlords own terms. I told him I was lately come out of the Country, and that my Trunks were not yet arriv’d, with a great many more fictions to prevent suspition. At first I intended to take for no longer time, than I could contrive a way to dispose of my self, and procure mans Apparrel; but perceiving how agreeable my Feature, Stature and Gesture were to my Female Weeds, I resolved to trie some projects in them. There was a young Gentleman that lay in the house, and took special notice of me as soon as I entered it, and as he told me next day, was over joyed that I had determined to be a Lodger there. This young Bravo (which had more money than wit) had prepared a Banquet for me, and requested the favour of me, that it and himself might be received into my chamber: I alleadged I could not do it in point of honour, and therefore desired to be excused; but he prest me so far (getting also his Landlady to intercede for him), that at last (though with much seeming unwillingness) I condescended thereunto. Very merry they were, but I thought it prudence to be reserv’d. My Amorist so gazed on me, that I thought he would have devoured me with his eyes, kissing me sometimes, which had like to have made me disgorge my stomack in his face. For in my opinion, it is very unnatural, nay loathsome, for one man to kiss another, though of late too customary I know it is; yet I look on such as use it, inclining to Sodomy, and have had the unhappiness to be acquainted with severall, who using that unnatural action, found it onely the Preludium to a more beastly intention. In three dayes time we grew so intimately acquainted, that at last he became impudent. One time as I past by him, he catch’d at me, endeavouring to intrude his hand where he had no interest, but he did it so rudely, that I verily thought he had spoiled me; I believe he imagined that he had caught me by the busk, which some Ladies wear very long to hide their rising bellies. I showed my self much displeased at him for so doing, expressing my resentment in imbittered words for so great a Crime. Next morning, he courted me to a Reconciliation with a Gold Watch: by that he should have been well skilled in gaining female affections; for there is nothing prevails on them more than presents; and nothing gains sooner over them a total conquest, than the hopes of enjoying a fair promising Fortune. With much importunity I accepted his Peace-offering, conditionally, that he should never attempt the like offence. Nothing troubled me more, then how to dress my self when my cloaths were off. I durst not lay two things together, for fear I should mistake; there were so many baubles, I wished for a Pen and Ink, to write on them what places they properly belonged to. Viewing them on the Table together, they represented to my thoughts Babel, or a great confusion, and nothing but a miracle could produce Order out of them, I had so improv’d my self by hourly practice, when none was with me, and observation of others, that I had now the knack on’t. I new modelled my steps, my former being too large by three quarters; I could advantagiously cast my eye, set my face in a plat-form, and dissect my words; my feet were my only Traytors, and therefore I alwayes kept them close Prisoners, for their greatness (like the Devils cloven-foot) proclaimed me the contrary Sex I imitated. Well, I thought it high time to be gone, not without plucking my Widgeon. Having a fit opportunity, there being none present but himself and I, I pretended disappointment of money, and that my Rents were not yet due, and therefore desired him to lend me 10l. for eight days; at the termination of which time, I should not fail to return it him with gratitude. He was much joy’d, that I would favour him so far, as to accept his service; & with that flew like Lightning, fearing he would have fractured his Leg-bone for haste to bring me the money, which I received from him thankfully. I caused a Coach to be call’d, pretending I had business into the City. My Cully would have waited on me, which I utterly refused, telling him without privacy my affairs would prove ineffectual; whereupon he desisted.

Coming into Burchin-Lane, I went to a Salesman, and bought (pretendedly for my Maid) an ordinary yet handsome Petticoat and Wastcoat, furnishing my self with all the Appurtenances requisite for a Servant maid.

In stead of returning to my Lodging, I caused the Coachman to drive me to one of the principal Nurseries of Venus, Whetstones Park. For I lookt upon it as a matter of small import, to take my leave either of my young Gallant at home, or my Landlord, since I had not left the least Mortgage behind me for sleeping.

Mother Cunny (to tell the truth) was the Nick-name of that Corpulent Matron, that with much demonstrations of joy received me into her house; neither could she forbear expressing her great satisfaction, in that her civil and honest deportment was so generally taken notice of, as that it should be an inducement to strangers to shelter themselves under her Tutelage, preferring her as a Guardian or Tutress, before so many throughly tried, and long experienced antient Gentlewomen, both in City and Suburbs. She highly applauded both the Features and Complexion of my Face, not forgetting the right colour of my Hair, which was flaxen: the Stature of my Person infinitely pleased her, which was somewhat of the tallest: In short, nothing disliked her, but that she said I lookt as if I had a greater mind to beat, than buss; and to fight, than delight my Amoretes with smiling insinuations.

I had not been long in her house, before a roaring Damme entred the house, (a constant visitant) who meeting with my Guardian, was informed that there was a rich treasure discover’d in her house, and that none should attempt to spring the Mine, till he had made entrance by the first stroak. In short, he was brought into the Chamber where I was, who at first behaved himself indifferently civil, and treated me nobly: But O Heavens! how great was my confusion and distraction, when strength of Arguments and force of hands would not repel the fury of his lust, and that nothing would serve his turn but lying with me. I defended my self manfully a long time; but seeing it was impossible to hold out any longer, and that I must be discovered, the next assault he made, forced me to cry out: this so alarumed my Gentleman (concluding this outcry proceeded not from modesty and chastity, but out of some trapanning design) that he drew his sword, and made toward the Stair-case, and running down with more haste than good speed, overturned my kind Governess (that was puffing up the Stairs to my relief) and so both tumbled down together: fear had so dispossest this huffling fellow of his senses, that he mistook my old Matron for the Bravo he thought did usually attend me, and so without once looking behind him, made his escape into the street, leaving the piece of Antiquity not so much defaced by time, as by this dismal accident so near extinguishing, that she was half undone in the vast expence of her Strong-waters, to bring her tongue to one single motion.

Coming to her self, you may imagine how I was treated by her; but to be brief, I told her I could not brook such a course of life, wherein all injoyments were attended by ruine and destruction, although habited and cloathed in the seeming ornaments of real pleasure; adding moreover, that I would speedily leave her house, investing my self with a meaner garb, bestowing those I wore on her in part of satisfaction for what she suffered through my means. This proposition so well pleased her, that I had free liberty to do as I thought most convenient herein.

Exchanging my fine Madamship for plain Joan-ship, my equipage being suitable for service, I resolved to apply my self to a Boarding School; and the rather, having observed it to be more thronged with Beauties, than any other: My address proved as successful as I could desire, for instantly upon my motion, I was received in as a Menial of the house. But when I came to use the Tools of the Kitchin, I handled them so scurvily, it made those teething Giglers my fellow servants, even split with laughter. To add to my misfortune, those Varlets one time when we had some meat to roast, on purpose got out of the way for a while, to see how I could behave my self; and then I did spit the meat so monstrously strange, that coming into the Kitchin, they could not tell at first sight what those joynts were called at fire. My actions had proclaimed my ignorance in all Domestick Affairs, so that my Mistress could not but take notice of me; and told me, that I was altogether unfit for her service, and that she could do no less than discharge me.

Fearing that my design was now frustrated, and my fair hopes of delight annihilated, I could not contain my tears from bedewing my face. My blubber’d eyes wrought so powerfully with my Mistress, that I judged it now the fittest time in broken Accents to mollifie her anger, and still reserve my place in her service. Whereupon I told her a great many formal and plausible lies, well methodized; that I had all my life time lived in an obscure Village amongst rude and ill-bred people, and therefore knew nothing; that it was my desire to learn, not so much valuing wages as experience, and that it was for that intent I had tendred my service. The good old Gentlewoman being much pleased with my freedom, presently ordered the Maids that without their grinning and gigleting, they should shew me any thing I understood not.

By diligent observing, I gained shortly an indifferent knowledge: Though I lay with one of my fellow servants every night, yet I judged it no prudence to discover to her my Sex (though much against the hair) till I had by external kindnesses indeared her to me. I went through my business pretty handily, giving a general satisfaction, gaining daily an interest upon the loves of the young Gentlewomen.

O the fine inexpressible petulances that dayly, nay, hourly past between me and some other of them; and so crafty I was grown, that I perfectly did counterfeit a modest maiden. Sometimes we would retire three or four of us into a private corner, yet not so obscure but that we intended to be seen by some man or other we had afore discovered; and then as if affrighted by an unexpected surprize, squeak out, and then with strange haste endeavour to hide our pretended shamefacedness. Thus concurring and suiting my self to their humours, I had all the freedome I could desire.

And now I thought it high time to handle the matter for which I came about; for indeed flesh and blood could hold out no longer. One night I perceived my Bedfellow could not in the least close her eyes, continually sighing and tumbling to and fro, sometimes laying her leg over me, and at other times hugging me within her arms, as if I had been in a press. At first I thought this commotion or perturbation proceeded from Sympathy, as questionless in part it did; for I found experimentally by my self that my heart did beat as if it would have forced its passage through my breast.

I thought I could do no less than ask her what she ailed that she was thus restless. At first, sighs were her onely answers, till at last (I pressing her much) poor thing she melted into tears. As soon as her eyes had given over deluging, and that her heart would give her leave to speak; Jone (said she, for so I called my self) if thou wilt keep my secrets, I will tell thee my whole heart. Having promised to do that, whereupon she began thus to relate her story. Our Coachman for several years hath shown me more then common respect, and indeed though I have concealed that affection I ever bore him, yet I could not but now and then give him slight occasions of hope: as the moneths wherein we lived together added to our age, so did it add true life & vigour to our loves, which increased so much and fast, that I could hide mine no longer. But herein consists my misery, that our affections aim at different ends; I fain would marry him; he is onely for present enjoyment, and finding me obstinate, and not in the least yielding to his amorous sollicitations, begins to slight me, and toys with such before my face, that I know will surrender their Maiden forts upon the first Summons. Now Dear Joan, let me tell thee, I can hold out no longer, but am resolved to give him all the opportunity of privacy I can invent, upon the least motion offered, I will entertain it. I disswaded her from this rash resolution with as much reason as I could utter; inculcating the danger of being gotten with child, with all its aggravations: that having obtained his ends, his love would be converted into loathing; and he having rejected her as his object, none that knew her would choose her as an object that may make an honest wife; for who would marry a whore, but to entail the Pox on his progeny? What ever I alleadged, she valued not. Seeing the was fully bent, I thought this the critical hour to discover my self to her, Come, come (said I) I will quickly put you out of conceit with John, and cure this love that so much troubles you; and so I did, after which I enjoyned her silence; which I thought she would have done, for her own interest sake; which she did for a while. I came at length to be very much beloved in general. It was the custome almost every night for the young Gentlewomen to run skittishly up and down into one anothers Chambers; and I was so pestered with them, that they would not let me sleep. But I had an excellent Guardian in bed with me, that would not let any of them come in to us, resolving to monopolize all the sport to her self. It was good sport to observe how this Maid always followed me as my shadow, and whatever I was doing of, she would have a hand in it with me. What an endless work we made in making the beds! Our Mistress saw her work very much neglected, laying all the blame upon my Bedfellow; and indeed not without cause: for her mind was so employed about thinking on night, that she did little all day; which my Mistress perceiving, turned her away; which was no small joy to me, if for no other consideration then her extream fondness, which I knew would betray us both in the end.

After the departure of my Bedfellow, the young Ladies pittying my loneness in the night, redrest that solitude by their welcome presence. The first that came had like to have spoiled all; by her squeaking; but some of her Associates running to know what was the matter, she readily told them she thought there was a Mouse in the bed: thus satisfied, they departed; and I enjoyned her as I did the other, silence; but alas! all Injunctions on Women to keep a secret, are but as so many perswasions to divulge it. Notwithstanding I had so enjoyned her secrecy, yet she made it known to some that she entertained a peculiar respect for, intending they should participate with her in the pleasure she enjoyed. This discovery did put me to an extream hard task; I should never have undergone it, had not variety of such sweet smelling Rose-buds encouraged me.

In the very height of these my jollities, I cou’d not forbear thinking sometimes on my eternal condition; but custome and opportunity had so absolutely inslaved me, that good thoughts which were but seldom, wrought little good effects upon me. But if my souls welfare would not deter me from these foul and wicked acts, yet love to my present mortall condition, compelled me for a while to desist, and by flying those embraces I lately so hotly pursued, shun those complicated mischiefs which were appropinquant, the undeniable effects of my immoderate and destructive wantonness. My approaching danger was too visible, for I observed that some of the Gentlewomen began to find strange alterations in their bodies, with frequent qualms coming over their stomacks, which made me sick to be gone; and in this manner I did plot my escape. My Mistris having a Son much about my stature, and one time finding a fit opportunity, I got a suit of cloaths of his, with other perquisits, which I put on, reassuming my proper shape and habit, and so with flying colours marched off, insulting over the conquest of so many Maiden-heads, leaving the quondam possessors thereof to deplore their ensuing misery, and condemn their own rash folly.