How he frequented Bawdy-houses; what exploits he committed in them; the Character of a Bawd, a Whore, a Pimp, and a Trapan; their manner of living; with a Detection of their wicked lives and Conversations.

Being full fraught with money, we undertook our Progress, promising to our selves all delight imaginable, but not considering what the effect would be. We frequented all places of pleasure, but among the chief we ranked Brothel-houses, which were our Repositories. We seldom were seen in the Streets by day, for fear of discovery; confining our selves close Prisoners to some Bubbing-house; at night (like such as closely delighted in deeds of darkness) we would sometimes flutter abroad. Our pastime was to hire Coaches to any pretended place, and when we came near it, to make our escape. One time leaping out of the Boot, my Cloak chanced to tangle in the spokes of the Wheel: the Coachman not perceiving we were got out, drove on; by the wheels continually turning, my Garment was so ingaged, that I verily believed my sins had now conferred upon me the just punishment of being executed on the wheel, which I could hardly have avoided, had I not speedily unbuttoned my Cloak: I was loath to bid the Coachman stop, thinking I should have it at last; I ran Lacquy-like a long way, but all my endeavours to shift it, proved ineffectual; so that at length I was forced to cry out, Hold Coachman. The Coachman coming out of his Box, soon perceived the fallacy, and straightways demanded his money for his hire, before he would untangle my Cloak, which I was compelled to give him. Delivering me my Cloak, he told me, I had paid him, but he had not paid me for my attendance on him: And said moreover, That my Cloak would not look like a Livery, unless it were laced; and with that, with his whip, lashed me well-favouredly. Another sort of Pastime we used, was to kick the old Watchmens Lanthorns about the street; and it may be sometimes confer a blow or two on their sleepy noddles, and then flie for it, but we had worse success with this than the former. We practised this foolery so often, till at length we were met with, and rightly served. It was thus: In Paternoster-row, we found a fellow at noddie upon a stall, with his Lanthorn and Candle by him; having first seized on that, and thrown it into the Kennel, we prosecuted our abuse by falling upon him, and beating him. As soon as we had done this manful act, we betook our selves to flight; but here we mistook our mark, thinking him to be an old decrepid Watchman, and one that had little use of his eyes, without those in his Pocket; whereas to our cost, we found him as nimble and as light footed as a Stag, who overtaking us, surprized us; and as he was carrying us before the Constable, we met with the grand Round, who, without much examination, committed us as Rats to the Counter. The chiefest thing that troubled us, was the apprehension of our Masters knowing where we were. But we resolved to drown that care: we had not been there long, before other Rats, Male and Female, were brought in to bear us company. Some of the men were all bloody, and their Mobs Scarfs and Hoods all rent, and none of them sober: Damming and Sinking were the constant flourishes of their discourse; calling for drink was the Argument they held, and roaring in distracted notes was their Harmony. Though I was my self comparatively wicked, yet I blessed my God I had not arrived to that height these superlative Villains had attained to. Being in their company, I thought myself in the Suburbs, or on the confines of Hell. Sin, if it be dressed up in specious pretences, may be entertained as a Companion; but when it appears in its own shape, it cannot but strike horror into the Soul of any, though desperate, if not stupified. Wherefore me thought I was so far from associating my self with them, that I protest, the leudness of their Actions were so represented to me with such deformity, that I knew not which I loathed most, them or the Prison. I cannot make appear to the world what they were, nor my resentments, unless I should stuff a page or two with all manner of horrid Oaths, Execrations, Blasphemies and such like soul-infecting & destroying Plague-sores; wherefore I shall onely take leave to anatomize the Place that deteined us from our freedom. Then look upon a Prison as in it self, and it may be fitly termed a temporary Hell. For as the other is a receptacle for damned Souls, the Gates thereof standing always wide open; so this refuseth the reception of none, though never so wicked a miscreant. Though my durance in this place was but short, yet I could not but take some observations, imploying from thence the faculties of my Soul to draw up the definition of a Prison. Hell is a very proper denomination for it, since it is a place composed of nothing but disorder and confusion; a Land of darkness, inhabited by calamity, horror, misery, and confusion; a bottomless Pit of fraud, violence and stench. A Prison is the Banishment of Courtesie, the Centre of Infamy and Disparagement, the Destruction of good Wits, the Treasure of Despair, the Fining-Pot of Friendship, a Den of Deceivers, a Forest of Ravenous Beasts. Here you may see one Weeping, another singing; one Sleeping, another Swearing; every one variously imployed; one Eating in a corner, and another Pissing just by him; another Lowsing himself between both; it may be heretofore a military man, and therefore loath to forget his Art, but rather exercising it in the killing of his bodily Enemies, bearing the blood on his nail, as the Trophies of his Victory.

It is, to speak most properly, a living Tomb or grave to bury men alive in, wherein a man for half a years experience may learn more Law, then he can in three Terms for an hundred pound.

It is a little Wood of woe, a Map of misery, a place that will learn a young man more villany, if he be apt to take it, in six months, than at twenty Gaming Ordinaries, Bowling-Allies, or Bawdy-houses; and an old man more policy, than if he had been Pupil to Machiavel.

This Place hath more diseases predominant in it than the Pest-house in a Plague-time; and stinks worse than my Lord Mayors Dog-house.

It is a little Common-wealth, although little wealth common there; it is a desart, where desert lies hood-winkt.

The Place is as intricate as Rosamond’s Labyrinth, and is so full of Meanders and Crooked turnings, that it is impossible to find the way out, except he be directed by a Silver Clue; and can never overcome the Minotaur, without a Golden-ball to work his own safety. The next day, paying our Fees, and receiving some checks, with good admonitions from the Justice, we were discharged. This misfortune made us not a jot more cautious, but as soon as we were at liberty, we went upon the sent to mother Cr. formerly famous for the Good Citizens Wives that frequented her house; who still rides Admiral of all the rest of her function about the Town. I hope the next time I go to visit her, she will not get me clapt for the pains I take in praising her. The truth of it is, of all the Bawds I know, she merits most, having an house fit for the accommodation of the best. As for her walking Utensils, they are composed of refined mettal, always neatly kept; which, because they are not used upon all slight occasions, they appear the more delectable to the eye. Assoon as we had entered the door, I could hear a ruffling of Silks in sundry places; I conceive it was their policy, by seeming modesty to set a sharper edge on our appetites. We were conducted into a large handsome Room; bottles of Wine were brought up, both Spanish and French, with salt meats to relish the Palate, though we gave no order for them; but it seems it was the Custom of the house, a chargeable one: but without a Piece spending, you shall know little of their practices. At length, up came the old Matron; after the performance of our Devoir, she seats her self by me, and began to be impudently acquainted, chucking me under the chin, calling me her Son Smock-face. Having well warmed our selves with Wine, and the good Gentlewoman perceiving that our bloods began to heat, Well, said she, I guess at the intent of your coming hither, neither shall you go away unsatisfied. Nature will have its course; and if in Youth it be stopt, it will but, Torrent-like, flow with the greater impetuosity. Come, I see by your countenances that ye were born sons of mirth and pleasure; shew then what stock ye came of. If you want Subjects to exercise your parts on, we’ll have more Wine; and when ye are inflamed, ye shall have the benefit of a Cooler. With that she leaves us; but another of the same Sex, though three degrees different in age, supplied her place. At first view I seemed very well pleased: handsome she was, and very proportionable; but withal so impudent, that I was antidoted against lechery. Ista foemina quÆ limites verecundiÆ semel excesserit, oportet illam esse graviter impudentem. If once a woman pass the bounds of Shamefac’dness, she will seldome stop till she hath arrived to the heighth of Impudence. I must needs deal ingeniously, at the beginning the Needle of my Microcosm was toucht by Loves Loadstone. But upon further acquaintance, if I might have had a hundred pounds, I could not have meddled with her.

Though she had baited her desires with a million of prostitute countenances and enticements, yet I lookt upon her rather a Companion for an Hospital, and stood more in need of a Chyrurgions acquaintance than mine. My Friend had nibbled at the bait; but when I heard them capitulating about the price, I thought she wanted a Fee for the Doctor. Well, had she not over-traded, she had not broke so soon; for her trade is opposite to all others: for she did set up without credit, and her too much custome undid her; and so let her go, without either shame, or hope of repentance.

We desired to see another: ’Tis variety that Man chiefly takes delight in: One constant sort of Food, without participating of any other, though Manna, will cause the stomack to long for the Flesh-pots: Neither can the crime be greater in the enjoyment of diverse persons then one alone, provided Matrimony make not the act Legitimate. I do not approve of these consequent lines tending to this purpose; yet give me leave to insert them, that you may understand how viciously minded some are in this frothy age.

This nauseating thing being removed, up came one of Venus her chief Darlings; excellent Flesh! and the her self the Cook that drest it, spending most of her day-time about it, that she might with the better appetite be tasted at night. Finding no exceptions in this, I was impatient till I had consummated my desires: withdrawing into another room, to heighten my thoughts, she declared to me her birth and Education; that as the one was well extracted, the other had occasioned much cost and expence. That for her part, she associated with none but persons of quality, whose long patience and intreatments first procured a familiarity, and in fine, freedom in the exercise of love-affairs: and so would have (seemingly) put me off upon this score, that it was not usual for her to admit of any to her imbraces, but such whose long acquaintance had gained her affection. I offered her a Crown, which she refused with indignation; telling me, that she was not yet reduced to so low a condition, as to become so poor a Mercenary Prostitute. At last, with much perswasion, I fastned on her an half piece; and so striving with her, (she onely seeming averse) I accomplisht my ends. And presently in came a fellow, whose very face would have enlightned the room, though in the darkest night; for indeed it appeared to me a blazing Comet, and his Nose (for miraculously he had preserved it) was the brushy Tail. Laying his hand on his sword, he looked fiercer then a Spanish Don insulting over an Indian Slave. The bulk of his body began to heave like an Earth-quake, whilst his mouth, Ætna-like, belcht out all manner of Sulphurous Oaths, which roared so loud, as if his belly had contained a barrel of Gun-powder, and the Linstock of his Nose had fired it. His courteous Salutation to me, was, How darest thou, Son of a Whore, presume in this nature to dishonour me, in the abusing of my Wife, without the expectation of an immediate annihilation or dissipation into Atomes? But I have something here shall tame thy insolence; and now I am resolved to set thy blood abroach. With that he seemed to make a pass at me: Now I, imagining that he really intended to do what he pretended, for the safeguard of my Life, I took up a Joynt-stool, and received his point in the seat; and following it home, tumbled him down the stairs; and not being able to recover my self, fell with him. My Comrade came running down at the noise to assist me; but he seeing me rather make use of my heels then hands, followed my example, and so built a Sconce, leaving the old Bawd to condole her great loss; for the Reckoning was very considerable.

Now because I have often met with these Hectors or Trepanning Villains, I think it will not be unsuitable to this present Discourse, to insert their Character.