Whilst a Beggar what cunning tricks he invented to steal undiscovered, and how at last served, being caught ipso facto.

The next day I went into Lincolns-Inn-fields, where I saw a company of Rogues, cheats, Pick-pockets, &c., playing at Pidgeon holes (a game much practised there, and in More-fields, by such mischievious and lazie Rascals) growing very hungry, I singled out two or three of the fittest for my purpose in assisting or contriving Roguery; a little rising grass-plat was our counsil-table, where we consulted what stratagems would best take and were least known. Come Gentlemen said I (for the Liberal Science or antient profession they studied was enough to gentelize them) what money have yee, sine Cerere & Baccho friget ingenium, we must have good liquor that shall warm our bloods, enliven and unthaw our congealed spirits and make our inventions and fancies as nimble as lightning. Faith said one, I have but three pence; yet that you may see how well quallified I am for your company, I’le have money for you presently. He was not gone much above an half hour but merrily he came to us; sitting down he desired me to put my hand down his neck between his wascoat and shirt, which accordingly I did, but admired to groap out three rashers of Bacon, which I produced to the Company. Very importunate I was with him, to know what it meant, and how they came there. Give me attention (said he) and I will unravel this riddle thus. Walking along the streets leisurely, strictly eying any thing on which I might seize securely and advantageously: at length I saw a good pittiful old Woman (for so she seem’d to me by her countenance) selling Bacon, who I observ’d did put what money she took into a pocket made in her Apron. Upon this sight Fancy me thought suggested to me that her money was as already as surely mine as if I had already confin’d it close Prisoner in my leathern dungeon. And thus I wrought my design. Good Woman said I, (speaking in a whining tone,) how do you sell your Bacon a pound? Seven pence (said she,) whereupon I began a lamentable oration, telling her that I would willingly have half a pound but that I had but three pence; that my Master was a very cruel man, half starving his servants; come give me your money sirrah, she said, for once you shall have it so; weighing it, I desired her to cut it into slices and thrust it down my back; She asked my reason for it, I told her that my Master usually searcht me, and should he find any such thing in my pockets, he would half murther me. Alas poor boy (quoth the good old Woman) lean down thy head towards me, surely I will do thee that small kindness: whilst she was larding my back, I got my hands underneath her Apron, and with this short knife nipt of the bottom of her pocket, and thus have I done my part to procure yee both food and money. As I lookt on this as base ingratitude, so I could not but tacitely within myself, both condemn and abhorr such society, remembring the words of Juvenal.

Of all persons we should shun most the ingrateful. Neither could I forbear (though I was joyful of the purchase) to read him a publick lecture on his ingratitude; what (said I) shall we find gratitude in Beasts (as in the Lyon that was healed by Andronicus in the wood, which afterwards saved his life in the Theater) and yet shall we be unthankful! I have read a story of an Asp that was kept and nourished by an Husbandman at his own table, feeding him there dayly; at last she brought forth two young ones, one whereof poisoned the Husbandmans son, the old one (as my Author tells me) in the sight of the Father killed the offender and as if ashamed of his ingratitude departed the house with the other and was not seen after. I would have proceeded, but that they told me if I did, they would have no men of morals in their company, and so away we went to Beggars Hall, hard by, where we called lustily. Fearing we should spend all the money, I desired the company that some small portion might be left in my hands as a stock to trade on, which they consented to.

Having feasted our selves well, before we departed, the next days meeting was appointed, when and where. Against the time I had made a quantity of Serpents, Crackers, &c., and brought them with me. When first I show’d them, they all fell out a laughing to think I could improve our stock by such devices. Have but the patience to hear me (said I) and then condemn me if you see cause; Ever since I parted from you I have been racking my invention to find out some way whereby I might render my self both deserving of, and acceptable to your company, and I think this my first discovery will do it; I would have you Jack, Tom and Will, take an equal quantity of Crackers and Serpents, and anon at night let us go into the Market, where each of you shall observe each of us: where ever we make a stand be sure you throw a Serpent, &c. at that very place; and then will we take the opportunity of the peoples confusion and fright, and so march off with what we can lay hands on. This plot was very well liked of by all. The evening approaching (it being near November) we went to put what I had contrived to execution. The first that was thrown was where I stood, which fell into the Basket on which a Market Woman sate, the Woman starting up to extinguish it, suddenly it bounced in her face, the smoak whereof and powder, for a little time so blinded her, that she could not see me walk off with a shoulder of Mutton, my comrades had the like success with a Pig and a Goose. Having done enough as we thought for that time, we went to a place of our acquaintance, where we had the Mutton, Pig, and Goose roasted, giving the Landlord the Pig for dressing, bread, and drink. We were so successful for the first, that we made several tryals afterwards not ineffectual. But in fine, I found the Proverb verified, The pitcher goes not so often to the well, but that it comes home crackt at last. One time I went, and having ordered them to do as they had done before, a Serpent came flying on the Womans stall where I stood and fell into her lap, which being brusht off, fell underneath her coats, and there burst, in the mean while I had gotten a loyn of Veal and was trooping off with it, the Woman missing it suspected me by my great haste, followed me and laying hands on me found her meat under my coat. O have I caught you Mr. Theif. Mistake not good Woman (said I) it is no such matter. For as I stood by your stall, the wildfire which some unhappy Knaves threw, so scared me, that having your meat in my hand at that time cheapning it, I was so frighted that I ran away with your Veal to shun the danger, forgetting to lay it down, wherefore pray take it again. Taking her meat, here is a pure excuse indeed (said she) but this shall not serve your turn, and with that, gave me two or three such blows on my chops, that I verily thought she had made me swallow half my teeth. Another that had heard our discourse takes me to task after this: Come sirrah, you love the flesh well, but ’tis fit you should pay for it. And it is but just if you will have my flesh, I should have some of yours. Up straight he snatcht his Knife, and holding me by the ear I verily thought he would have markt me as he used to do his calves. My crying and praying so far prevailed, that he only kickt me to his next Neighbour and so from one to another, so that though it cannot be said I ran the Gantlet, yet between the Pannyers on both sides, I was kickt the Gantlet from the Standard in Cheapside to the conduit at the lower end thereof. This unhappy adventure made me betake my self to my old course of begging, resolving as yet not to deal in that trade I had litle experience in.