After his arrival in Devonshire, he briefly recounts what waggeries he commited, being but a Child.

Being about five years of age, Report rendred me a very beautiful Child, neither did it (as most commonly) prove a Lyar. Being enricht with all the good properties of an handsome face, had not pride in that my tender age, depriv’d me of those graces and choise ornaments which compleat both form and feature. Thus happen’d, my Father kept commonly many Turkeys; one amongst the rest could not endure the sight of a Red Coat, which I usually wore. But that which most of all exasperated my budding passion, was, his assaulting my bread and butter, and instead thereof, sometimes my hands; which caused my bloomy Revenge to use this Stratagem: I enticed him with a piece of Custard (which I temptingly shewed him), not without some suspition of danger which fear suggested, might attend my treachery, and so led me to the Orchard-gate, which was made to shut with a pulley; he reaching in his head after me, I immediatly clapt fast the Gate, and so surprized my mortal Foe: Then did I use that little strength I had, to beat his brains out with my Cat-stick; which being done, I deplum’d his tayl, sticking those feathers in my Bonnet, as the insulting Trophies of my first and latest Conquest. Such then was my pride, as I nothing but gazed up at them; which so tryed the weakness of mine eyes and so strain’d the Optick Nerves, that they ran a tilt at one another, as if they contended to share with me in my victory. This accident was no small trouble to my Mother, that so doated on me, that I have often heard her say, She forgot to eat (when I sate at Table) for admiring the sweetness of my complexion. After she had much grieved her self to little purpose, she consulted with patience, and applyed her self to skilful Occulists, to repair the loss this face blemishing had done so sweet a countenance, though for the present it eclipsed my Mothers glory and pride, yet Time and art reduced my eyes to their proper station; so that within six years their oblique aspects were hardly discernable. When I was about ten Years old, I have heard some say that this cast of my eyes was so far from being a detriment, that it became my ornament. Experience confirm’d me in this belief; for they prov’d as powerful, as the perswasive arguments of my deluding tongue, both which conjoyn’d, were sufficient (I speak it not vain gloriously) to prevail even over the Goddess of Chastity, especially when they were backt on with ardent desires, and an undaunted resolution. But to my purpose: being driven out of Ireland, there being at that time no place of safety in that Kingdom, my Mother taking me with her, being compelled to leave my Father behind, barbarously murdered by the Rebels for being a protestant Preacher, she adventured to Sea not caring whether she went. Foulness of weather drove us upon the coast of France, where we were forced to land, to repair what damage the Ship had sustained in stress of weather. From hence we set sail, and landed in the West of England, at a place called Barnstable in the County of Devon. Here we were joyfully received, and well entertained by some of my Mothers kindred at first; but lying upon them, they at length grew weary; so that we were forced to go from thence to Plymouth, so called from the River Plime, unto which the Town adjoyneth: at that time it was strongly fortyfied by new raiz’d Works, a Line being cast about it, besides places of strength antiently built; as the Castle, the Fort of an hundred pieces of Ordnance, that commands Cat-water, and over-looks the Sound, Mount Batten, and the islands in the Sound, well furnished with Men and great Guns impregnable; had they been never built or demolished raced assoon as raised on their Basis, it had been much better then to have prov’d the Fomenters of Rebellion in the late Wars for a whole year, daily thundring Treason against their lawful Soveraign. We being here altogether unacquainted both with the people and their profession, my Mother having an active brain, casts about with her self how she should provide for her charge, but found no way more expedient, than the pretention of Religion. Zeal now and Piety were the only things she seem’d to prosecute, taking the litteral sence of the Text; Without doubt Godliness is great gain: But she err’d much in the profession and seasonable practise thereof; Hers being according to the menu of the true Church, the Church of England, whereas the Plymotheans were at that time Heterodox thereunto and led away as the rest of their Brethren called Roundheads, by the spirit of delusion. Finding how much she was mistaken, she chang’d quickly her Note and Coat; a rigid Presbyterian at first, but that proving not so profitable, instantly transform’d her self into a strict independant. This took well, which made her stick close to the brethren, which rais’d their spirits to make frequent contribution in private to supply her want: Here we had borrowed so much of the Sister-hood, who vilely suspected my Mother to be too dearly beloved by the brother-hood, that it was high time to rub off to another place, lest staying longer, the holy Mask of Dissimulation should fall off; and she being detected be shamefully excluded their Congregation, and so delivered up to be buffeted by Satan. Before I leave the Town, give me leave to take a short view thereof. Formerly it was a poor smal fishing Village, but now so large and thron’d with inhabitants (many whereof very wealthy Merchants) that as it may be compared with, so may it put in its claim for the name of a City. Havens, as there are many so commodious, which without striking sail, admit into the bosome thereof the tallest Ships that be, harbouring them very safely, and is excellently well fortyfied against hostility. It is scituate alike for profit and pleasure in brief, it wants little that the heart of man would enjoy, from the various productions of the whole Universe. Now farewell Plymouth, no matter whither we went, for whereever we came; we found still some or other that gave us entertainment for those good parts they found in my Mother she being very well read both in Divinity and History, and having an eloquent tongue, she commonly apply’d her self to the Minister of the Town; who wondering to see so much learning and perfection in a Woman, either took us to his own house for a while; or gathered some contributions to supply our present necessities, with which we travelled to the next Town: And in this manner we strouled or wandered up and down, being little better then mendicant Itinerants, Staying so little time in a place, and my mother being more careful to get a subsistance, than to season my tender years with the knowledge of Letters, I was ten years old before I could read. Travelling through many towns unfit for our purpose, we at last took our seat for a while at Biraport in Dorsetshire, here being ashamed to go to School in this ignorance, I applyed my self to my Mother, who taught me to apprehend the Alphabet in less hours than there are letters; so that in a short time, I could read distinctly, and immediately introduc’d into the Grammar School, where I had not been long, before I became a Book-worm securing as many as lay in my way, if convenient privacy serv’d. And to the intent that my Thefts might pass undiscovered, before I would vend what Book I had stolen, I usually metamorphozed them: if new, I would gash their skin, and if the leaves were red, I would make them look pale with the wounds they received; If much used, tear out all the remarks, and paint their old faces, and having so done, make sale of them. This course I followed a long time undiscovered, which cost many a Boy a Whipping at home by their Parents, as well as Master. I had various uses for my money I made thereof (you must think) but principally to bribe some of the upper Form to make my Exercises, which were so well liked of by my Master, that I still came off with applause; and in a short time so advanced, that I was next to the highest Form, when I understood not the lowest Author we read. I was forced to imploy my wits in the management of my hands, to keep touch with my Pensioners, least they failing me for want of encouragement, my Master should discover how much my dunceship was abused. Frequent were my truantings, which were always attended with some notorious fact besides small faults as robbing of Orchards, pulling the first and seconds of forty or fifty Geese at a time, milking the Cows or Goats into my Hat, and so drink the milk: And then for poultry, there was seldome a day escaped wherein I had not more or less, usually I took them thus. At night I haunted the Hen-roosts taking them off so quietly from what they stood on, that their keckling noise seldome alarum’d the rest; if I could not conveniently carry them off, I made their Eggs compound for their heads. If I meet with any Geese at any time, then out came my short stick with a string fastned to a bullet, and tyed to the end thereof, with this would I fetch in my Game by the neck, the weight of the bullet twirling the string so many times about the neck, that they could not disengage themselves from inevitable destruction. I used to fish for Ducks, baiting my Hook with a gut or some such trash, and laying it on a piece of Corke, that swimming it might be the sooner perceived, I could catch in a short time as many as I pleased: Nay, I have not only thus deceived the tame fowl, but the same way with a longer time, I have caught Gulls and other Sea-birds. What I had gotten by these cunning & so much to be approved tricks, I carryed to a house that encouraged me in my Roguery, participating of the cheer, and so feasting me for my pains: if I had stolen any thing, I had my recourse to them, who would give me two pence for what was worth a shilling, and render me good content. I knew my punishment for my rambling and valued it not; therefore little hope of reformation from thence. Nay for very small faults I wished to be whipt, knowing the rod would then be laid on gently, which carried with it a tickling pleasure. As for my Thefts and Rogueries abroad I was careful they should not be discovered. If any Boy had injur’d me whose strength exceeded mine, so that I durst not cope with him, I would exercise my revenge upon him privately, concealing the resentment of the injury he did me. For to grin and not bite, doth but perswade an Adversary to knock out those teeth that may prove some time or other injurious. One common trick I had, was to stick a pin on the board whereon he was to sit: in this manner did I serve several, in which fact I was at last taken. The punishment my Master inflicted on me, was, to sit by his desk alone and complete a copy of Verses; there was great likelihood I should perform my task, when I knew not how many feet an Hexameter required and yet I then read Virgil. However some thing I must attempt, and thinking Saphicks and Iambicks too difficult, I ventur’d upon Heroicks, supposing them the easier composition. But Lord into what an access of laughter did my Master fall into, when he perused my hobling strains. Surely said he, these Verses are running a race altogether, the first did not start fairly, or else is a very nimble Gentleman, for he hath out run all his fellows four feet, the second comes two foot short of him, yet too forward for a true pace; here is another lame in a foot, and halts most scurvily, here is another whose quantity is short, and hath gotten upon stilts to seem long, and one (in contradiction to him) which is long, because he will be short hath cut his own Legs off: With these and the like speeches did he please himself in his own wit, (which I understood but little) and after he had tired himself and me too, with prodigal talk: He then spake to me in a harder dialect, making me understand how ignorant I was, and how much precious time (irrecoverably) I had lost, which so much seiz’d on my spirits, that I was much griev’d and troubled, so that he made Vermilion tears run down my cheeks, &c. After he had bestowed so much correction as he thought might work in me penitence for my egregious truanting he degraded me, and made me begin a new. The shame whereof and reproach I daily received from my School-fellows, I could not bear; wherefore I prevailed on my Mothers indulgence, to let me regain what I had lost at home, which she consented to. But perceiving my Lecherous inclinations, by my night practises with her Maid, resolved to send me to a Boarding School: For our Family being but small, I lay with the Maid: beeing so young, my Mother did not in the least suspect me; but my too forward Lechery would not let me lie quiet, putting her frequently to the Squeak. In fine, I was sent away a great distance to a very severe and rigid Master, I no sooner commenced Scholar to this Tyrant pedagogue, but I was kept close to my Book, and lest my Wit should be any ways dulled, my stomack was always kept sharp; which quickned my invention to supply what was deficient. There is no complaint so insufferable as the grumbling of empty and dissatisfied Guts. My greatest care was to insinuate my self into the favour of the Servant Maids, knowing they loved to play at a Small Game rather then stick out. I performed my business so well that my stomack was always satiated, when the rest of the Boarders were dissatisfied, often going to bed in a manner supperless. Here I was depriv’d of my old pilfering way, because I had no convenience for the disposal of what I stole, it being but a very small Village. However to keep my hand in use, I daily practised on Fruit. Sometimes with a Spar sharpned at one end, I pickt the Apples out of the Baskets: other times I took with me a Comrade, and then thus would we do. I would go to the Fruiterer and bargain with him for a penny worth or more of Apples, receiving them into my Hat, pretending to draw my mony out, I did clap my Hat between my Legs my partner perceiving that (as we had afore plotted it would be) behind, snatcht it through my Legs and ran away with it, I thereupon did use to roar out as if I had been undone, and pretending to run after him to regain my Hat, we got out of sight and then shared the booty. One time coming a long the Market, I saw a small basket of Cherries, I demanded of the woman that sold them, what she would have for as many as I could take up in my hand; she looking upon it and seeing it was but a very small one; proportionable to my Stature, two pence said she; with that, I laid her down her Price, and took up basket and all the Cherries therein contain’d, and in a sober pace carried them away. The woman amazed that she should be thus surprized by such a Younker followed me; and making a great noise, gathered a conflux of people about us, and among the rest a Gentleman of quality, who was very earnest to know what the matter was; Holding my purchase fast in my hands (for nothing could perswade me to let go that booty I had so fair obtained, I desired the Gentleman that he would be judge of my cause, whereupon I related to him in what manner I bargained with the woman, and that I had done nothing unjustly, but what was according to our contract; the Gentleman wondering at the Pregnancy of wit in so tender an age, laught heartily, and condemned the Cherries for my own proper use, but withal paid the woman for them. I was naturally so prone to please my sences so that I cared not what course I took that I might obtain my desires, I appli’d my self more to my wit and invention, than I should have done, had I had anything allowed me from a Friend for a moderate expence. But my Mother thought otherwise, knowing by infallible symptomes, the extravagantness of my inclinations, and therefore debarred me as much as she could the very sight of money. A River confined within some made Bank, deterring its natural course, will (when that is overthrown which impeded its progress) flow with the greater impetuosity: Youth may for a while be circumscribed as to its desires: but if his inclination prompt him to the enjoyment of sensual delights, sooner or later he will taste their relish; and better early than late. Before the Noon of his days approach, Experience may reform his Life and Conversation though from the dawning Morning thereof, till the Meridian his Actions have been nothing else but the Extract of all manner of Debauchery. But (it is commonly observed): That Man which in the Declination of his Age tracks the bypaths of Vice and Licentiousness seldom desists till Death cuts off his passage; never leaving off doting on such false and imaginary pleasures, till the Grim Pale-faced Messenger takes him napping. Thus much by way of digression.

Our Master was very ancient, however resolved that his Age should not hinder his Teaching: for if he found himself indisposed, he would send for us all into his bed-chamber, instructing us there: A man of so strange a temper, that he delighted to invert the course of Nature, lying in bed by day, and walking in the night, the rain seldome deterring him. On a time above the rest, a Gentleman had sent his Son five pieces of Gold to give his Master for Diet, &c. Our Master receiving them, called for a small Cabinet that stood in the room, which I (more officious than the rest) brought him. Having put in the Gold, he commanded me to carry it from whence I had it: which I did, well considering the weight thereof, being, though small, very heavy. The Devil presently became my Tutor, suggesting to my thoughts various ways for the gaining this money. At last I resolved to take the impression of the Key in wax: which with much difficulty I obtained and carried it to a Smith four miles distant. The old Fellow (immediately upon my proposal) suspected me; (doubtless he was acquainted with such kind of devices) and questioning me what I intended thereby, I was forced to betake my self to my Legs for safety, not knowing what answer to make him. The Smith seeing me run, thinking to benefit himself by apprehending me persued after, with a red hot iron in his hand which his haste had made him forget to lay aside, one standing by me, (just as the Smith had almost overtaken me) seeing him come running with a hot iron in his hand, and fearing lest his blind passion might prompt him to mischief me, struck up his heels who in the fall gave himself a burnt mark in the hand which no doubt he had long ago deserv’d; my unknown friend would not suffer him to rise till I was out of sight. My first stratagem not suiting with my purpose, I try’d a Pick-lock of mine own invention; but that would not effect my design neither: so that I concluded to take Cabinet and all, and in order thereunto watcht my opportunity when he should walk abroad according to his custom at night. It was not long ere I enjoyed my wishes. My masters custom was to walk abroad at nights, and sleep in the day time; inverting the course of Nature: foreknowing his intention, I got into the Chamber and conceal’d my self under the Bed: So finding my way clear, I convey’d my self and purchase out of the House; and travelled all night. In the morning I found my self near a small Town, about sixteen miles distant from the place whence I came. Thinking my self now secure, I thought it very requisite here to repose my wearied Limbs and solace my self with the sight of what I had gotten; but it was not long after that I was so laced for it, that comparatively to my punishment Bridewell whipping is but a pastime. The first Bush I came at I went in and called for Sack, having never tasted any, & hearing much talk thereof; at which the people of the house much admired that so small an Urchin as I should call for such costly liquor, they viewed me very attentively, but more especially the Cabinet, which caused them to suspect me. The Master of the house was acquainted herewith, who as the Devil would have it was a Puritan, & a Constable too, officious and severe. Without craving pardon for his bold intrusion, he desired me I would admit him into my Boy-ships society. I confess his gray hairs and sower countenance made me at first sight, very much fear what the event of his visit would prove. However with a seeming undauntedness I drank to him, but what a difference of taste there was in that and the first glass I drank Solus: at length he came to ask me divers questions, Whence I came? Whither I was going? What was contained within that Cascanet? and the like. Before I could give the resolution of what they demanded, the Hue and Cry overtook me: presently I was laid hold on, and my treasure taken from me: that which vext me as much as my Surprizal was, I had no further time to try what kind of taste the Sack had. Various were the talk of the people, every one spending his Verdict on me. This is a prime young rogue indeed, to begin thus soon, said one, could he have seen, when in his Mothers belly, surely he would have stoln something thence. Another said, Forward fruit was soon rotten, and since I began to steal whilst a child, I should be hanged before I should write Man. Ready to die with fear, I was sent back to the place whence I came and from thence to the place of execution, had not the tenderness of my age, and fewness of years procured pitty from my injur’d Master. Confin’d I was within his house, lockt up close Prisoner in a Chamber, till that he could acquaint my mother with what had past. In this time I was not debarred of my sustenance though my Commons were Epitomized, neither was I altogether deprived of society, for I was daily visited by my master attended with a Cat of Nine-tails (as he called it) being so many small cords, with which he fleyd my buttocks; and when he found me stubborn, or not penitent enough as he thought, after he had skinned my podex, he would wash it with vinegar, or water and salt. Within a week my Mother arrived, who hearing of my Rogueries, was so impatient, that she would needs take me to task her self; But when she had untrust me, and saw me in so woful a plight, my shirt being as stiff as Buckram with blood and my tender breech ploughed and harrowed, fell down as if she had been about to expire: recovering my Master endeavour’d to satisfy her, by telling her that great offences required great punishments; and the way to bend an oak, is to do it whilst it is young, I had once when young (said he) a Spaniel which would find out the Hens nest, and breaking the eggs suck them, so that we could never have any Chickens, at last discovering who was the malefactor; I be thought my self of this punishment which should hinder him for ever doing the like. I got an egg roasted so hard till the shell was ready to burn, then did I first show the Egg to the dog, and then clapt it hot into his mouth holding his jaws close, this so tormented him by burning, that ever after he could not indure the sight thereof but if shown run away crying as if he had been beaten. Thus for the notorious fact your Son must be so sharply chastized, that when he thinks of stealing he shall remember those torments he once endured for it, & so frighten him from executing any such crime. Many more arguments he alledg’d to that purpose, which had satisfied her well in his severity, had not natural affection interposed. What to do with me she knew not; wherefore she consulted with my Master, who told her, He durst not keep me longer, the Country people bringing in daily complaints against me. And to aggravate my Mother the more, he briefly summ’d up my faults in this manner; having had justly various accusers who drew up my indictment, Thus.

Imprimis, That one of his Maids having crost me (to be reveng’d of her; knowing she was a drowsie wench, when asleep not easily wak’d) as she slept by the fire, I took my opportunity, to melt some glew, and gently toucht the closure of both her eye-lids with a pencil, which well I knew would lock up her sight. Against the time I intended to wake her I placed all about her Chairs and Stools. The Plot being ripe, I pretended her Mistress called; The wench starting up running and rubbing of her eyes turn’d topsie turvy over the chairs, getting up the ingag’d her self with the stools and so entangled her self therein, that indeavouring to free her self her coats acted the parts of Traytors in discovering the hidden secrets and Arcanas belonging to her sex, and that with much satisfaction I had seen the execution of my revenge. That this wench could not be perswaded by any means, but that as a judgement she was stricken blind for some sin she had committed privately, which then her conscience did whisper in her ear; and undoubtedly had turn’d Lunatick had she not been speedily restored to her sight by taking off the glew, which was done with much difficulty. That he going about to correct me for this unlucky and mischievous fact, was by me shown a very Shitten trick, which put him into a stinking condition, for having made my self laxative on purpose squirted into his face upon the first lash given. That being upon boys backs, ready to be whipt, I had often bit holes in their ears. That another time sirreverencing in a paper, and running to the window with it, which lookt out into the yard, my aged Mistress looking up to see who opened the Casement, I had like to have thrown it into her mouth; however for a time deprived her of that little sight she had left, that another time I had watcht some lusty young Girls, that used in Summer nights about twelve a clock to wash themselves in a small brook near adjacent, and that I had concealed my self behind a Bush, and when they were stript, took away their cloaths, making them dance home after me stark naked to the view of their sweet hearts whom I had planted in a place appointed for that purpose, having given them before notice of my design. A great many more such tricks he recounted which he knew, but not the tenth of what he knew not. As for example, on Christmass-day, we had a pot of Plumb-broth. I askt the Maid to give me a taste to see how I lik’d them, I that I should, she said (this was the Maid I had so serv’d before with glew) and with that takes up a ladle full and bid me sup, she holding the ladle in her own hand, I imprudently opening my mouth somewhat larger then I should she poured down the scalding pottage through my throat: at present I could not tell the jade (that laught till she held her sides) how I lik’d them; but I verily believ’d I had swallowed the Gunpowder-Plot, expecting every moment to be blown up. I took as little notice of this passage as possibly I could, resolving to retalliate her kindness when she least thought on’t. I observed the maid to carry this plum-pottage pot into the yard, and taking notice that the weight of the Jack was in the same yard, wound up a great height under a small pent-house, the Jack being down I suddenly removed the weight, and fastned the pot to the line, so going into the Kitching, wound it up to the top, and then stopt it, for the meat was taken up. The house was all in an uproar instantly about the Pot, every one admiring what should become of it: The Maid averred that she saw it even now, and none could remove it but the Devil. Others asserted (which were infected with Puritanism) that it was a Judgment shown for the superstitious observation of that festival day; but the next day, roasting Meat, this seeming miracle vanished by the descending of the pot fastened to the Jack-line. Another time my Master had reserved in his Garden some choise Aprecocks, not above an half-score; which he purposed for some friends that intended to visit him shortly: The daily sight of this delicate fruit, being forbidden, tempted me more strongly to attempt their rape; but I made choice of an impropitious hour to accomplish my design in; for my master looked out of his window and saw me gather them, though he knew not absolutely whether it was I or no. Whereupon; he instantly summoned us together, being met, I quickly understood his intention: therefore I conveyed the Aprecocks into the next boys pocket, I had no sooner done it, but we were commanded to be searched; I was very forward to be the first though I was most suspected, but none was found about me, so that I was acquitted. But to see with what amazement the poor boy gazed, when they were discovered about him, how strangely he looked, distorting his face into several forms, produced laughter even from my incenc’d Master, but real pity from me, for he was severely whipped for that Crime I my self committed. I could recite many more such like childish Rogueries, did I not fear I should be tedious in their relation, and burden the Reader with juvenile follies; fore I shall return where I left off. Whilst my Mother was in a serious consultation with her Reason, how she should dispose of me, I had not patience to wait the result, but gave her the slip, resolved to run the risk of Fortune, and try whether mine own endeavours would supply my necessities.