An account and Character of such who went with me in our Voyage to a Plantation, viz.
One Broken Tradesman, 2 Jilts, 1 Pretended poor Captain. 1 Counterfeit Libertine Minister. 1 Soldier of Fortune. 1 New Exchange Girl, 2 Button-makers. 1 Orange-Wench. 3 Crackt Maid-servants. 1 Stockin-Mender. 4 Common Prostitutes. One whereof was a large Folio, two of them in Octavo, and one in decimo sexto, all loose in Sheets, of the first Edition imprinted at London. I might otherwise name the first a Ship of the first Rate, an unwieldy bulky thing, which would require more men than a Kingdom can well spare to Man her, old and leaky too, and must be pumpt every hour to keep her above water. The other next two had been tight Friggots, and excellent Sailers; but length of time had so decayed their Hulks, that they were unfit for any thing but Fire ships; the last was a pretty Pinance, but damag’d much in her Rigging, and would serve for an excellent Pikeroon still, having been from her Cradle taught the Art of Land-Piracy. But to begin first with my
His Father lived in Excester in very good fashion, being one of the principal of the City; and though he had a very good Trade of his own, yet he thought it very incompleat to that of London, and thither must his Son be sent. A Confectioner for his Master was provided him; but he had not been with him ten weeks before the Confectioner found that he was half undone by this sweet tootht Gutling; nay he ingenuously confest to me that his Pockets were continually cram’d with all sorts of Sweat Meats, as Pomecitron, Orange and Lemmon Pill, Comfits of all sorts, or what ever Confections, as were dryed; and his reason was for so doing, lest being sent on an errand he should lose any time in the indulging his Palate: he did not so much as go to Bed unfurnisht, sleeping with some sweet thing or other in his Mouth, that he might dream of the rest. His Master concluding that he should be absolutely undone if he kept him much longer, sent for his Father, who coming up removed him from thence, and placed him with a Vintner, knowing experimentally that those that are sweet tootht, are seldom Drunkards. But the Gentleman could not make so much haste to go out of town, as his Son did to be drunk; in seven days that he was in this Tavern, he was but five hours perfectly sober. It was well he made so much haste to show his Inclination that he might not put his aged Father to the expence and trouble of another journey. His Father seeing he could devour trade so fast, and lest some such should swallow him up at last, resolved to put him to one he could not eat, (yet one, too many have worn Thread-bare) a Salesman; he seemed diligent enough till his Father was gone out of Town, and then wanting what the Indulgence of a Father continually bestowed upon him, he one morning early put on a very handsome Suit that fitted him, and taking along a very good Bruxels Chamblet Cloak (which he sold) away he marcht into the Countrey, committing many petit larcenies by the way, resolving (if it should fall to his chance) to die as near his friends as he could. At Huntington he was apprehended for stealing a Silver Tumbler, but being known by some Relations he had in the Town, the business was husht up, and he sent home. His Father admired to see his Son return so soon after him, askt him the reason thereof, who craftily replyed, he could not live so far from his Parents. Though the old man was troubled that his Son should disappoint his expectations, yet he could not but shew himself a Dotard in acknowledging his Sons natural affection therein.
At last it was concluded on, that he should follow his Fathers Trade of Mercery, which my young man did, till his Fathers death, which was about two years after, but how faithfully, I must leave to those Parents to consider, who have brought their Children to shameful ends, and thereby have blemisht the spotless Reputation of their Ancient Families, by not endeavouring to hinder the excursions of such debaucheries, as proceed from their known vicious constitutions. His Father leaving him his House, Shop and Goods, he so apparel’d himself, and spent so largely, as in the excess neither had the conquest. These, and his Extravagant Courtship made him the whole Town-talk. He had not hours enough in eight days to visit his Mistresses in a whole week, although he should address himself to one every hour of the day. His Love was so general, that he would have enjoy’d them all, but the Law bounding his boundless desires to give himself that satisfaction, he is most prone unto, he was forc’d to elect one; it was strange he could not choose one honest Woman out of so many; for she matcht his Cock, she proving more inclinable to Venery, then he to any other Vice. As he reacht to the possession of all or none, so none at all could reach her full satisfaction.
The Marriage was but just consummated, and they hardly warm in each others embraces, when he turned his poor Mother out of doors, bidding her go live elsewhere upon her Thirds, for they would have no Overseers in their house, nor such who should continually disturb their quiet with the tedious Lectures of Crab-tree morality. The Candle is now lighted at both ends, if he spent liberally with friends abroad, she had those at home to spend with and upon; and that she might not come short of him; if she had heard he spent a Crown, she would double it in her expence. For one half year two Taylors had nothing else to do, but to make them new Garments; and when they and their Friends were together in a Tavern, all the Drawers in the house were little enough to tend them; so inconsiderately generous, that a Poetaster who could never arrive at the hight of a Ballad, presenting him with a hobbling non-sensical Epithalamium, he caused my ragged Rimer uncase immediately, and cloath’d him so, that he lookt rather like a gawdy Actor, than a Poet, bestowing over and above five pieces, then in his Drunkenness he might the more freely trumpet out his bounty. By these courses his Shop was altogether neglected, and few Commodities vended, but what his Wifes Paramours took upon an everlasting credit. Growing now weary of Excester, and such vulgar Countrey delights, (as he was pleased to call them) he furnisht his Pockets with store of Money (having converted a round sum of Silver into Gold), away he rode for London; where being come, he omitted not any time which he might imploy either in places of pleasure or pastime. And being tired here too with the variety of his delights; and finding withal not above twenty pieces left, he mounts his Horse with an intention homewards but by the way, having some business, (as a Wench to see or so) at Malborough on the Downs, he was met with, and robb’d, and with a cut or two (for he resisted) he made a shift to get to the Town. He had behaved himself so loudly ill, that the report came thither, and those that would in his Fathers life time have trusted him with 500l. would not now trust him with so many farthings; so that he was forc’d to sell his Horse, and go home on foot.
His Wife in the mean time had not been idle in her expences, rioting in that shameful manner, that the whole Town cryed out shame on her: those deserved reproaches they daily threw upon her, made her resolve to lay hold on the opportunity of her Husbands absence and secure what she could to her own peculiar use, and quit the Town; to that intent she consulted with her chiefest favourite, (and by the way take notice there is no Whore so notoriously common, but she keeps one whom she loves above all others, that shall take the freedom to beat her, abuse her, strip her sometimes when his Pimp-ship is in the humour, and will infallibly spend what ’ere she gets if she intends to keep her Flesh and Bones from being under the Chirurgeons hands) I say consulting him, he advised by all means to take some speedy course for her self-preservation, it is an instinct infused into the natures of irrationals; and therefore certainly man cannot be without. He needed not use any arguments to perswade her to that she was already resolved to put in execution; and therefore she only desired him to know how she should secure the Goods in the Shop. Let that alone to me, said he, I will take that charge upon me; and that he might charm her into a consent, they talkt that in private, which the colour of their Faces publickly discovered.
The night appointed being come, for the perfecting what they had propounded, the Gallant was ready punctually at his hour with three or four Porters, by the help of whom he quickly removed all the choice Goods or any that were worth Porterage to a place appointed. Having so done, he advised her to secure what Money and Plate there was in the House; this was done so silently, that the Servants of the House were not awakened by any noise they made; there was not so much Money and Plate but it was portable enough between them; having thus contributed to the robbing herself, away she trudges with her friend to another place, than where he had sent the Goods; and having provided an Horse before for that purpose, in the morning early away they rode to Plimouth, about thirty miles distant, where having lodg’d her, and promising to return speedily, takes a good quantity of Money with him, and was never by her heard of after.
Her Husband coming home, and finding all things in this condition, was about to hang himself, (and so he might, for few loved him so well as to hinder him from it, especially now seeing there was no more good to be done with him) but comforting himself, that his House was still left standing, he grieved very little; for he was so little acquainted hitherto with grief, that he knew not what it was. He had not rested in it above one night, but he sold it, and what Goods remain’d, and it was not two hours after before he was arrested, and so forced to part with above three parts of what the Sale had brought him in, to discharge the Debts he owed in that City. It was not long after that all was gone, and in that juncture of time, his Wife returned with hardly a rag to cover that nakedness, she had so often lasciviously exposed to view. What became of her afterwards, I know not; but he to shun the daily flouts and insupportable slightings of his Relations and Quondam Friends, footed it for Barnstable, and rather than through despair destroy himself at home, he would try his fortunes by labouring in another Countrey. The next Persons I am to treat of, are a Couple of
Fellows that must run through a many other faculties of an inferiour Class, before they can attain to the true knowledge of this profound Mystery; and having obtain’d this, they commence Master of Arts; which Arts are divided into that of High-Padding, Low-Padding, Cloy-Filing, Bung-Nipping, Prancers Prigging, Duds-Lifting, Rhum-Napping, Cove-Cuffing, Mort-Trapping, Stamp-Flashing, Ken-Milling, Jerk the Naskin, with many more of the quality.
Such were these two Jilts, who had they staid longer in London, instead of taking shipping here, they would have taken Shippen at Newgate, and Sailed up Holbourn, and passing by the dangerous Rocks of St. Giles’s would irrecoverably have been cast away at Tiburn.
I did not find by their discourse any great matter of ingenuity, having not wit enough to practice any thing of their own designing; they were old seasoned Rogues; and were content to tread in the same old Paths their Predecessors had trod in before, without making any new discovery. And therefore I shall give you an account only, that not daring to staystay longer in London, they were constrained to betake themselves to the Countrey. The week before the Sizes they came to Excester, setting up their Horses at an Inn, they presently (not to lose time) walkt to see the City, and under that pretence to try what advantages they could make therein, went into several Taverns, and where they could not get civily into company they thought they might bubble, they rudely intruded, and had like to have been soundly basted for their pains; they found that Gaming would not suit their purpose in that precise place; therefore the next day they resolved to experience what Jilting would do; and that they might carry on their design with the less suspition, they bespoke a Dish or two of Meat for Dinner in a Tavern, inviting the man of the House and his Wife to eat with them, they called freely for Wine, and drank pretty smartly; at length they were left alone, one of them steps up the stairs, and gets into the Vintners Lodging Room, where seeing a large Trunk, he attempts to open it with his Pick-lock, (which they have of all sorts and sises from a Street Door to a Cabinet) being too long a fumbling about his business, the Vintner came up to his Comrade the mean time, and asking where his Friend was; the other replyed he was gone up to the House of Office; Nay, that cannot be, replyed he, for it is below in the Yard and thereupon (his heart mis-giving him) he ran up hastily the stairs, and looking back saw him that he left below at the stair-head ready to go down, and the other that was above coming out of his Chamber, not knowing how to seize them both, he cryed out, stop the Thief that is coming down, and in the mean time clos’d in with him that was above and struggling with him, he was forc’d to quit an Hundred Pound-Bagg, that the Jilt had got under his Arm, which made the Vintner then more eager to secure him: in short, they were both secured and carried before a Justice; there needed no other evidence to convict them, than a great bunch of those Pick-locks found about them. Upon this they were committed, and that very Sizes (having miraculously before escaped buzzing in the fist) both sentenced to be Transported.
Now give me leave to give you an account (if it be possible) of one that is every thing, yet nothing. By his Garb, both a Gentleman, and a Soldier too, and such an one is this
Pretended (poor) Captain.
His Ancestors by the Fathers side in a continued Line to him, have been well known to be remarkable Beggars some Centuries; I know not, but that they may draw their Original from King Fergus, or some other great Irish Prince; for to this day the meaner sort of the Natives of Ireland had rather see their Children beg, than be mechanically imployed, by following some honest Trade, or Occupation. And that is the reason that so many serving-men, swarm from the middle and meaner sort of them, learning to cringe when they are young, that they may beg, with the better grace when they are old. His Grand-Father by an unhappy, or happy accident, when he was a Child, fell into the Fire, and so scorcht his face, that had you seen it, you would sworn it had been a young scorcht Devils-head half roasted; I say by that advantage, (which others would call a disadvantage) when he came to be of years, removing where he was not known, he gained daily by begging considerably, pretending that disaster came by powder, as he was couragiously fighting in the famous Battel of Lepanto; and which to confirm the belief, he had lost a Leg by a confounded Ulcer, which he pretended he lost by a Cannon shot, at the same time. By which means he had got sufficiently to have maintained his Son not in idle courses, if he had had the Grace to have rightly used it; but he coming of Age, spent that in a Month, which his Father had got in twenty scorching Summers, and as many cold benumming Winters, scorning to degenerate from the Ancient practice of his Predecessors; and like a Crafts-master, purchased a Seamans old suit of Apparel, with his Red Cap, and had so rolled himself in Pitch, that he might have served a whole City for a general Antidote in a Contagion. He begg’d up and down the Countrey, (pretending to go home,) under the notion of being cast away, and had lost all; and therefore desired the Charity of well minded People, that it might be a means to carry him to his friends and acquaintance. He had learn’d Sea-termes of Art, and applyed them very well in all his wonderful relations. Coming to his Quarters at night, after two or three deep fetcht sighs, he would in general complain of his hard fortune, giving some small hints of what considerable sums he lost this last Ship-wrack; then as if he corrected himself for so doing in the discovery of his misery, he would say, well, it is but a madness and a great folly to grumble at the hand of Providence. We must submit to Dispensations. These sad Notes coming from his Religious Organ-pipe, sounded so lowdly in the ears of his Landlady, that she tuned them so among the Neighbourhood, that the room wherein he was, fill’d presently.
He had an excellent faculty in telling a doleful story, and would Limn the horrour of Ship-wrack so to the Life, that the womens eyes about him dropt as fast as Water out of a Cullender; after this fell a showre of two pences, single pence, half pence, &c. By this subtlety he never wanted Mony, Victuals, strong Drink, nor good Lodging. And by the help of a good Memory as I am informed he travailed in and about England, begging in this manner, nine years, and never came in to a Town twice.
Our poor Captain the Son of this maunding Seaman, (that never saw the Ocean, and therefore could hardly be otherwise Ship-wract, than against a Whipping-post, or the Gallows) had another Spirit, whose Soul had neither communication with, nor relation to the meanness of his Fathers; for from his Childhood he begg’d as the Orphan of a wealthy Merchant, whose Estate was embezel’d by the avarice of his Guardian, and since lavishly spent by the profuse prodigality of his Son, since dead. That now having neither Parents nor Friends left living, he was exposed to this miserable way of craving the benevolence of the charitable. He made a shift to live after this manner till he was fifteen years of Age; but the People noting him to be a lusty Lad, threatned if he would not work, to send him to Bridewel; that word so startled him, that he was absolutely frighted out of that begging humour. Hearing at that instant the Drums beat for Voluntiers in some forreign expedition, he listed himself, and instead of Advance Mony, had Shoos, Stockins, Hat, and Coat, Sword and Belt, with what else was requisite for a Soldier. And now he shewed clearly what blood he had in him, and that his Mother had the greatest share in his Generation. For when she was in her Ale, (as she often would be) she never gloried nor boasted of any thing more, then that her Husband was a Soldier at Tilbury Camp, and that losing his Thumb by firing his own Musquet, her Majesty gave him a Pension of a maimed Soldier, that if he begg’d after-wards, it was no disgrace, being so miserably disenabled from working.
This Sprightly young Soldier, being thus accoutred beyond his own or any bodies expectation else, ramm’d in the Stones of the Street by his strutting to some purpose, leaving not any place of the City unvisited, that he might shew his Gallantry, especially such places he before had begg’d in. You could not have affronted him worse, than to call him by what name his Mother gave him, (for I question, whether he was christian’d) and would be as ready to draw to vindicate his Honour. But the Wind serving fair, and all things ready, setting sail, they arrived in safety at their Port. What service he did in that expedition, I could not gather from him, (undoubtedly it was his modesty that hindred him, rather desiring to have some other Mouth to proclaim his worth than his own) but this he confest, that his often hiding himself when any Party was commanded to march out of the Garrison, occasioned his Officers to tie him so often Neck and Heels, that he thought he should go double as long as he lived, and that his Breech was grown stupidly sensless by often riding the wooden Horse. However, he was constrained to tarry here six years; but at length he grew so tired with watching once in four dayes, and so scar’d with the dangers the frequent Alarms acquainted his ears with, once in six weeks at least, that he resolved rather to venture a hanging by his own fellow Soldiers, than run the hazard of being shot by his enemies; and so watching his opportunity, got into a Vessel bound for England, and came away, not affording those he left behind, so much as a farewel; but being far enough off the Shore, cryed out aloud, Harm watch, Harm catch. Landing at Plimouth, he bought him an ordinary red Scarf, and made it into a Sling to carry his hand in, which had as many Plaisters on it, as are used in an Hospital a week, sowing it to his Shoulder, and tying a large bow knot on it; with a Sword by his side, and a laced Hat, that he had purchased at second hand, he walk’d the Streets, and had the impudence to address himself to the Governour of the Town, in this, or the like manner.
Although I have not the Honour to be acquainted with you, Great Sir, in whose Person dwells (as I hear) all the Virtue and Valour of slain English Heroes, by a Transmigration; yet I am not unknown to the African part of the Macrocosme, where my single Sword hath eaten its way through thousands, and hath afterwards drank it self into a surfeit, with the blood of those Hell-dyed Infidels. My forward valour soon rewarded my unknown Worth, and for no other reason, than I thought fit to command the Destinies, having so great a power over Life and Death, I was made a Captain. At first, the great care I had to preserve my own, made me expose my self as their Target, to guard them from their enemies Arrows, so that in one Battel, (wherein there was threescore thousand men of the adverse party, there was but three hundred of them escap’d with life to inform their friends of their Countreys loss,) I say, in that barbarous conflict I return’d home, as thick stuck with Arrows, as a porcupine with Quills; afterwards my Name served to fright the Rogues, without fighting a stroak. But the long absence from my own Countrey, possest me with so great a desire of seeing that blessed Soil, that gave me breath, I resolved to acquit my Command, and happy in this opportunity of tendring my Person and Services at the feet of a Soul so magnanimous as your self.
Having finished his Formal bumbastical hyperbolical Speech, the Governor was at a stand, what to do with this mighty Garagantua, having almost disenabled his tongue from speaking, by biting it e’ne through, to contein himself from laughing out right; but considering with himself, promised him at last, that he would Muster him in his own Company for the present, till he could find out something more suitable to his worth and quality, and for the present gave him some Money, which our Captain, getting drunk with all that night in the Company of some Officers into which he had intruded himself, and taking the liberty of undervaluing some of them in his prodigious cracking, was soundly kick’t for all his lame hand. But such was the Fortune of War, that our Captain had not trailed a Pike above a Month, before he stole a Chamber-Pot, two Quart-pots, Flaggons, with some other Pewter, and sold them at another Ale-house in the Town; with the Money he got drunk, and coming home to his Quarters, his Landlady taxing him with the Theft, made no more ado, but first abusing him in all the most opprobrius terms that a Whore could invent, that had served three seven years Apprentiships to a Billingsgate Fish-woman, he then manfully beat her, and in that manner, that she was forc’d to cry out Murder. Neighbours coming in, seiz’d my valiant Captain, and in that pickle he was in, carried him before the Governour, who on seeing him in that drunken condition, sent him to the Mainguard, where he lay all that night as round as a Ball. The next Morning he was tryed by a Council of War, and finding him a Counterfeit, and that he was nothing but a commixt piece of Debauchery and Villany, condemned him to run the Gauntlet, which he did on the Hoe of Plimouth, through his own Company, and another drawn up thither for that purpose; and afterward at the old Town-gate, had his Sword broken over his head, and so cashier’d.
This usuage was enough to make any one hate to be a Soldier as it did him, for he resolv’d to settle to his Trade, yet he liked very well the name of Captain, and getting far enough off from his disgracing place; he so shaped his design, that he questioned not but that this Title would be very advantagious: and to make a tryal how it would prove, he applyed himself to a Gentlemans house, (at that time when Loyalty to our Lawful Prince was accounted Treason against the Common-wealth) and understanding by inquiry the name of the Person, and that he was a strong Cavilier, (as they then call’d them) and a great lover of all such, and knock’d at the door, and ask’d to speak with the master of the House, naming him, he being informed therewith readily came, and my Captain was as ready himself thus, in a low voice, to address
Sir, Report renders you a lover of your King, and such as have suffered for his Sacred Majesties sake. My Father was a Colonel, and his Loyalty he could not better express than by dying in his Majesties Service at Edge-hill; to revenge my Fathers death, and shew that I had the same blood running in my Veins, I have not only ventured my Youth upon any hazard, the boldest Cavalier ever yet attempted, but since, I have had my Estate sequestred too, and dare not own my name.
This Forgery took so good effect, that it produced him forty shillings, with directions to go to another Gentleman of the like Principles, about ten miles distance; where addressing himself in the same or like terms, the pretence took effect there too. Now did he buy himself a Sword, and getting a white Cap on his Head, pretended himself sick too, as well as maimed; by which means he pickt up a great deal of money; the Rogue was grown so Covetous, and was resolved not to lose his labour where ever he came; if he had not any money given him, he would infallibly steal something in lieu thereof. Coming at length to the house of a person of Quality, he addrest himself there as he had done else-where, the Knight after he had given him money, commanded some of his Servants to carry him into the Buttery; they knowing by the respects their Master shewed him, he must be a Royalist, drank a Health to the King, and by degrees to each of the Royal Progeny, not leaving out some of the Nobility, that had been most eminently serviceable to the King, and by that time there was none (not exempting the Butler) but had his dose; my Captain taking the advantage of their disordered senses, was not contented with a Bowl, but pickt up a silver Salt too, which one more sober than the rest observing, let him go out of the Gate before he apprehended him; and seeing that he was resolved to march off with them, seized him, and drew him back again into the Court-yard, where demanding from him what he had stoln, the Captain denyed the Fact, with many bitter imprecations, which gathered the Servants about him, who searching him found the theft, who if their Master had not interposed, they would have knockt this Imposter in the head. He knew that the Law would punish him sufficiently, and being a Justice of Peace, caused his Clerk to write his Mittimus, and so was sent to Exeter-Gaol, where he continued till Sizes, and then received the same Sentence, that had past upon the Jilts before.
Now since I have described one counterfeit that abused and robb’d the Countrey, under the pretence of Loyalty; give me leave to Characterize another counterfeit (the worst of the two) who under the Cloak of Religion hid his debaucheries, whilst he deceived and deluded the ignorant, especially the Female Sex, with his lowd, long, and impertinent Praying, and false Doctrine, and that was the
Counterfeit Libertine Minister.
It is no wonder that he lived (as we do still) in a staggering age, for the fall of Adam, broke the bones of his Children, and crippled his posterity, so that we are both blind in our Judgments, and lame in our Practises. At first he was made perfect, which was intimated by being brought into the world naked, to signifie that the great Former of all things was not ashamed of his Workmanship; but when the Devil sent erroneous Tenents, attended with damned Practices into the world, he advised the Brochers and Professors thereof to cover their deformity, with the Mouth of tenderness of Conscience; but were their skins are as tough as their Consciences, and their Flesh as hard as their Hearts, they would be both Ax and Halter-proof; they might laugh at the Block, and defie the Gallows.
This religious Proteus, this Heteroclite in Divinity, (for he was deficient in what he ought to do, or believe, and redundant in what he ought not,) when he first appeared in a Tub, or a thing like a Pulpit, he was, (as he acknowledged) like Æsop’s Jay, in a dress of borrowed Feathers, preaching the Works of other men, which must needs be the worse for coming out of his defiled Mouth, as a Shirt worn by a polluted Body. He mangled the modern Divines more barbarously, than an Executioner a Traytors Body; not forbearing to give old Priscian a knock on the bald Crown. The height of his Eloquence consisted in railing against Popery, calling Episcopacy the Sister of the Whore of Babylon, running on in his Preachment like a mad-Dog, foaming and open-mouth’d, yelping at the Honourable Clergy in general, and biting his Brethren the Sectaries, whom he would have his Auditory believe are as mad as himself; but having run himself out of Breath, what a humming, and a spitting there was, and by the blowing his Nose, made many a filthy Parenthesis; having concluded his Sermon, he Prayed, shutting his eyes, and would rather utter non-sence, and tautologis, than use any studied Form. All being finished, he steals out demurely out of the Meeting-house with his Sword by his side (a Captain and an Independent) and though he neither obeyed Christs Commission, or wore his Livery, yet would be accounted one of his Menial Servants. Being got out, one would thank him for the great pains he took; another invited him to Dinner; a third, a fourth, fifth, letting them all alone till the tenth made his proffer: at last, where he thought he should have the best entertainment, there he would express the acceptance of the proffer. He could not go amiss for his Supper; and to retaliate their kindness, before the Cloth was laid, he would bestow on them a sleeping Prayer of an hour and half, most commonly proportioning the time to that of Supper-dressing. Certainly his design therein was like the Scribes and Pharisees, who had never been condemned for long Prayers, had they not been used as so many Graces before their cursed Meals of Orphans Estates, and Widows Houses. He endeavoured to make his interest good among the Females, knowing how prevalently powerful they are commonly over their Husbands Inclinations, which he practised with so much craft and cunning; first possessing them strongly with a good esteem of his Holy Life and Conversation, that they verily believed one word of his would either Saint them or Reprobate them, when he pleased; which he perceiving, resolved to play the Gypsy with them, telling good fortunes to none, but such as crost his hand with a piece of Silver; that is to say, in private Meetings and Conferences, having occasion to speak of such, and such, it lay in his power then to say that such a one to his knowledge is a precious Saint, a constant hearer of the word, having an excellent gift in Prayer, or such a one is lately fallen, she is started aside into the by-paths of Sin and Iniquity, &c. So that you see by Him, as well as by the Pope, the People might be canoniz’d for Money.
But imagining this Faction was not so powerful, nor encouraging as the Anabaptists; and finding thatfinding that the fading Gourds of his foolish hopes and expectations of preferment began to wither; he in downright terms fell about telling his Congregation, they must be Re-baptized, or they must not hope for Salvation. He was amongst the Anabaptists so long, till (notwithstanding he was so highly cryed up for his powerful teaching,) he had got seven young Sisters with Child in less than a year, and it was shrudely suspected that he had made four of his Brethren Cuckolds. Therefore he was by the voice of the whole Congregation excommunicated, and delivered unto Satan. His hand being now in, he was resolved to try all, till he might advance himself by one. So that he might not be beholding to any. In this juncture the good old Religion so long raked up in the dust, began to shew its heavenly countenance again, whose glorious light these Owls and Batts durst not look upon.
It is observed, that it hath been the fashion to wear yellow Ruffs; but after one Mrs. Turner, a notoriously wicked Woman, was hang’d with one of them about her neck, that Mode not only vanisht, but became shamefully ridiculous; So this our Hypocrite seeing so many of his Brethren (who had poysoned more with their Doctrines, than Mrs. Turner with her Potions) go to the Gallows wearing the Liveries of a Sectarian, thought it more eligible to turn Cat in the Pan, and become an A la mode Episcopalian, than let the fowl Fiend play the Hobgoblin with him, as he had done many, tumbling such in the Mire, who lately sat in the Saddle, tossing others till their necks were broken, and crippling others both in their Estates and Opinions.
Down with all such, let them no longer stand,
Base Caterpillars that consum’d the Land,
Who rent the Common-prayer-book and Lawn-sleeves,
And made the house of God a den of Theeves,
And may the Sacred Pulpit e’re be free,
From such Quack-salvers in Divinity.
Every one knowing how great a Changling this fellow was in Religion, no body believed a word that he said; nor would either trust or imploy him upon any account whatsoever; so that he was necessitated to take this course, or do worse, by adding one more to the number of Barbadoes Inhabitants; neither did he want a Volunteer abroad, upon the same design, a lusty young sprightly fellow, a Man both of wit and courage, though of slender Fortunes, and calls himself,
He was well born, and gentilely educated, who lived in a pamper’d condition till the age of seventeen; at which time his Father dying, the Estate fell to the Elder Brother, who mounting into his Fathers (yet warm) seat, could not conceal his Turkish cruel disposition against his Brethren; yet though the Law held his hands from cutting off their Heads, his austere countenance, and severe carriage towards them, did notwithstanding cut off their hopes from ever expecting more than barely what their Father left them in Money. Two hundred Pounds was this Gentlemans Portion, who returning it to London, soon followed after, where equipping himself suitable to the Grandeur of the Place, and Gallantry of the Persons he came acquainted with; he spent his time in things so agreeable to his constitution, that his thoughts never climb’d any other Heaven, than this his imaginary one, which he wisht might ever continue. He scattered his Money apace, and how could he otherwise; for his Exchange was a Tavern, his Lodging a Brothel; his Hide-park, a Gaming Ordinary, his Study, a Play-house; his Associates, Bully Ruffins; his Mistresses, Courtezana’s; had his constant attendants, Pimps, Parasites, Spongers, Wheedlers, and such like. The Devil’s in them all, if one was not enough to impoverish a Mint, or drain a Silver-mine, though it reacht to the Centre of the Earth.
By this you may imagine his two hundred Pounds could not last long; his Hangers on perceiving his Money was at the last gasp, fell off, being loath to see so dear a friend depart. He was now left Moneyless, and Friendless, and, what came nearest his heart, he was jeared, and flouted by such he had formerly liberally expended on. As he past the streets, he hath heard his old Comrades say one to the other: There goes such a one, shall we call him, and drink a Glass of Wine together? No, no, let him go, pox on him: he hath not a Penny in his Pocket to bless himself withall; he had Money once, but like a Fool, he could not keep it; which made him often repeat this true saying of the Poet;
Non habet infoelix paupertas durius in se
Quam quod ridiculos homines facit——
Were it not for that, Poverty is a property we might pride in; nor would the Philosopher voluntarily have Shipwrakt his Fortunes, but that he might purchase thereby that glorious Motto; Omnia mea mecum porto. Dioclesian so great an Emperor, that LÆtus parallels him with Jupiter; nay, he allow’d himself to be call’d Lord, and God, and would be sued unto, as a God; but having at last tryed sufficiently the vanity of his own vain-glory, he freely without compulsion, laid aside his Empire, and returned to a private life; being sollicited afterwards by several to resume his former Power, and Glory, he absolutely refus’d it, saying, Did you see the Herbs set with my own hands in my Garden at Salona, you would think me too good a Gardner, to become a miserable Emperour.
There was nothing grated on his Spirit more than to be slighted in this his low condition, by such as he had supported from sinking into the Earth: and that he might not longer be afflicted in this manner, he projected several wayes, how might imploy himself in something, that might remove him from the scorn and reproach of the world. His credit was quite worn out, owing something in all the Taverns and Ale-houses that he was acquainted withal, through the whole City, and would have ran farther in their Debt, but that they not only hindred him from so doing, but likewise threatned him, by taking a course for what he owed already. This made him remove his Quarters to another remote quarter of the City. His Cloaths were so good as that they gained him credit for a Months Lodging and Dyet, in which time, he wrote several Ballads, which he sold in the Old Bailey, getting for the worst half a Crown or three shillings; but his Chapmen finding themselves losers by his works, did so revile and vilifie him the next time they saw him, that he was resolved to write no more, for it seems he had not writ Non-sense enough to please the Commonalty; he had taken too much pains to express his wit, and that spoiled all; soaring so high, the dim sighted vulgar could not discern him.
One day walking abroad Melancholy to think his first design was frustrated, he fell accidentally into the company of four or five, so unsuitably or antickly habited, that he verily thought they could not have cloathed themselves more out of fashion, than if for so doing, they had consulted all the Brokers in Long-lane, or Houns-ditch. At length by their toning of several scraps of Plays, and the whining out of Lovers parts, he judged them to be Players of the worst Edition, and that wanting some to compleat their number, they endeavoured to perswade him to make one of their Stroling Company.
They needed not many words to perswade one, that knew not what to do with himself; wherefore, he readily consented to their propositions. Viewing them well, and their Habits, he absolutely concluded, that their Company had been lately broken, and that they had shared house-hold-stuff, every one taking what he could lay his hands on of the Properties, (though very improper to wear publickly) with which, necessity since hath forc’d them to cover their own nakedness. However, he was resolv’d to go through, with what he promised, and so calling for what was to pay, being one and twenty pence among them all, they made a hard shift to pay the shot within three half-pence, and so marcht off. They provided him a lodging, where they all lay that night, and the next morning, their undertaker came, who summoning them all into a large Room, there appeared also three or four Women, who with the rest rehearsed their parts in ActÆon and Diana. After rehersal the undertaker being informed what our Soldier of Fortune was, came and saluted him kindly, and welcom’d him into their Society, and giving him his part to study, carried him to the Tavern, with some of the three-quarter-sharers, and made him drunk at his initiation.
Having studied ActÆon and Diana, Jack Swabber, Simkin in the Chest, Miles the Miller, Simpleton the Smith, with divers other drolling farces, away they strolled into the Countrey, some in a Coach (by reason of the Properties they carried with them,) others on Foot of the meaner sort, and some on Horseback; had the most intelligent met them, it would have puzzled him to have told what they were. The first thing they did when they came to a Town, was to acquaint the Mayor thereof with their intent, producing their Patent which authoriz’d them. Having the grant of the Mayor, most commonly they were permitted the Town-Hall to play in. At first, commonly they had usually such great audiences, and got so much Money, that it undid them, for it made them insolent, idle, careless, always drunk and continually quarrelling, so that the Town and Countrey growing weary of them, their poverty also made them weary of the Town. The next place they came at, it may be, there they would endeavour to regulate those disorders; but no sooner were they flusht, but they fell into the like confused Chaos. There was seldom a Rehearsal in the morning, in which there was not some scuffle; sometimes altogether by the ears, all engaged in a Quarrel, but none knowing the cause of it. Their differences most commonly did arise from ones exalting his own worth, by the undervaluing anothers, saying that such a one had a greater share than he, though he deserved more; that such a fellow had a noble part, when he had that of a Servant, whereas he better merited to be a Prince, than the other a Foot-Boy; Damn me, said another, that Fellow that speaks now hath no Soul; a Parrot would be taught to speak better, and understand more than he; a Baboon treads a Stage a thousand degrees beyond him; See but yonder Horse-fac’d Lover, is he fit to act that part with that hunting face of his? it is enough without the help of a Vizard to fright his Mistress into Convulsion fits, or make a young Woman miscarry, that hath not half gone her time. If reviling one another would not put them together by the ears, there was another expedient would infallibly do it. There was one well stricken in years, yet far more amorous or salacious than the younger, and when she found not her accustomed pleasures, she judg’d that one of those three, had stoll them from her; when jealousie had possest her of that Opinion, she ne’re capitulated with them otherwise, than with her hands, which she used so nimbly together with the nails, that had not black Patches been in Fashion, I know not how without shame they could have played. The Men on the other side, being known Rivals to one another, could not forbear shewing their animosities, (as their parts permitted them) one being run into the hand, another through the Arm, making a real Tragedy of what was but pretended. Their Stock of Clothes was very small so that a Parson was forc’d to Act in a Loyars Gown, instead of one that was Canonical; a Bishop, with a Shepherds Crook, instead of a Crozier, and a Cushion so dented, that the Corners might be more perspicuous, instead of a Miter; they wanted a Target, and knew not what to do, at last, the invention of one of the wittiest, helpt them to a large Wooden Tray, and nailing a piece of Tape to the sides within, served rarely well. The Actors were few, wherefore some Acted three or four parts, nay one Acted two parts at once upon the Stage, the King, and the Nobleman; when as a Nobleman in a long mourning Cloak, (for they could get nothing else, that could nearer represent him by) he spake to an Indian Gown that lay in a Chair, with a Past-board Crown that lay upon it, all bedawbed with yellow, (and I know not what Colours) by a Countrey Sign-Painter, to make it look like. Having ended his Speech, he threw off the long Cloak, and putting on the Crown and Gown, he then as a King returned an answer to the Cloak, I mean the Nobleman, making a many changes, till the conference was over. The Nobleman i. e. the Cloak, being taken off the Stage, that is, having made his exit, it was the Kings Cue to seat himself a while, to give audience to a person, that had great concerns with his Majesty, whole Speech being long and his memory treacherous, he had not gone a quarter through his Speech, but that he was irrecoverably out, past all prompting; the King not knowing how to help, and the audience eagerly expecting his going on, at last it came into his head, ingenuously to tell him that he had heard enough, he would hear the rest within, by which means the Play went on.
One Market-day, (which was the chief time they pitcht on) they Acted a Play, (by the invitation of some Gentlemen in a Tavern,) in which there were two which fought on the stage, which were supposed Clowns, and were to baste one another to some purpose. A Countrey Gentleman being there present, and having never seen a play, but this Acted once before, and seeing them fight again in the same manner, as they had done before, steps hastily down stairs, and bringing up a Bottle of Wine in his hand, interposes between them; telling them they should not thus bear a grudge one to the other, but that they should be friends; and to that end he had brought a Bottle of Wine, that they should shake hands, and drink to each other, and would not stir, off the place, till he had seen them so do, and go too, off a several way. That Scene was spoyled, however they played on, and coming to the third Scene in the fourth Act, these Fellows were to enter again; the Gentleman seeing them together, and facing each other, ran from his seat to them again; swearing that he that gave the first blow, should beat him too; What, said he, cannot we be quiet here, but you two Logger-heads must spoil the Play? This put the whole audience into such laughter and confusion, that the Play was forced to be deferred till another days action.
They staid not long in a place, the People being tired with such costly novelties as they call’d them, which made them ramble every where. Coming to York, they had the same success at first, as they found else where, but had like to have been scared out of their wits. For one day acting a Play, wherein the King of Scots was to be murdered barbarously by his Subjects, and having intimation of the suddain coming of the Assassinates, condoled his own unhappy Fate, and condemns the treachery of his Subjects proceedings; is there no hope of Life, is there never a true Scot, that now dares stand by me? A Scot there present, seeing the murderers come in with their drawn Swords, cryed out, there is one left still, my neen sel, yar een Country-man. Let the Deel fill my wem with smaw steans, if I make not the Loons eat my Sward as smaw as Saunies durch. And thereupon drew his broad Sword, and at them he came as desperately resolved, as if they had been real enemies; and notwithstanding the King intreated him to be patient, he grew more furious, and would have prosecuted them to death, had not his supposed Majesty held him in his arms, till they had made their escape. Not long after this they were invited to act at a Gentlemans house in the Countrey, where they acted their parts so badly, by stealing several pieces of Plate, that some of them had like to have acted their last; Our Soldier of Fortune fearing by their ends, he might come to his last, fled away privately to London; where he betook himself to his Pen again, altering the Scene of his former design. Observing what large encouragement some received from their Dedications, he resolved to make tryal of scribling too: the first that he wrote was indifferently well accepted of, it being an Hodge podge of Translation, Transcription, Collection, and his own Composition; he Dedicating it to a Person of Quality, was largely rewarded; had he stuck here he had done well, but being infected with the base ingratitude of Mercenary Scriblers, he presented his Book to at least twenty more, with the same Dedication, the name onely altered, which brought him into so great dis-esteem amongst such as would have been his constant Benefactors, that ever after they would never accept of his Presentations.
And now poor Gentleman, not knowing what to do, walking melancholy in the New Exchange, he took special notice of a young Trader, who eyed him as much, as he her (for he was a handsom proper young man, and had cloaths on his back, a Gentleman needed not to be ashamed to wear,) they gazed at each other a pretty while at a distance, but Love quickly brought them nearer together. For having money in his Pocket, he approacht the Shop with a Pretence to buy some Linnen, where having seen some of several sorts, he bought some, the better to engage her in a discourse. He askt her whether she was single, and whether that was her Shop? she answered, she was married, and therefore had nothing she could call her own. How Madam, (said he) I cannot doubt but that you have many Virtues, which you may justly call your own; you have Beauty too, and admirable outward parts. I thank your good opinion, Sir, (said she) but I look upon her as unworthy to deserve the name of an owner, that either cannot, or durst not give what is in her possession; though you cannot give, Madam, yet you may so dispose of that beautious mirrour of your Sex, your Face, or what else you have, as that the frequent loan thereof, may be esteemed equal to the gift. She was quick of apprehension, and understood his drift, and though she answered him not, yet her smiles shewed a sufficient satisfaction to his amorous discourse, and her blushes bid him do if he durst. To be short, he won her so absolutely to himself, in a little time, that she had nothing in her Power, which she did not freely give him, till her Husband had almost nothing left, and suspecting the infidelity of his Wife, watcht her so narrowly, that her Enamorato enjoyed her rarely, and seldomer had his wants supplyed.
Now was he forced to look out again, but it was not long before he was informed of a Maid that was very well to pass in the world, somewhat ancient, and had she not had some few natural deformities, she had never lived a Maid so long, for she was long-nos’d, thin lipt, beetle-brow’d, short neckt, bunch-backt, and hopper-arst. This dismaid not him, knowing she had Mony to make all good; and so with a little Court-ship; (she being already ravisht to think, (her hopes of marrying having long since taken leave of her,) she should be joyned to a young man, and a handsome man to;) I say the Marriage was quickly hudled up: I did not hear they had many quarrels the first week; but not many weeks past over their heads, before his extravagancy, and her covetousness, could not agree. Besides, she grew intolerable jealous, (as most do who are conscious of their own imperfections,) and shewed so many of her damned qualities, that he lived a hellish life with her; had he not been a fool, he might have known before what she was.
She had better been quiet, for the more unquietly he lived at home, the more jocundly he spent abroad; till in fine he spent all, so that he resolved to leave her, and return to his former Mistress, who is now aboard, I mean
She was born in Lancashire, and coming up to London with the Carrier to get a Service, it was ten to one she had not been pickt up by some Bawd, they continually laying wait at all the Inns in the Town, for the coming up of handsome Girles. It was the hap of a Semstress in the New-Exchange to meet with her: and seeing her to have a well featured, and well coloured Countenance, took so great a liking to her, that she took her home with her. She knew well enough what she did, being not ignorant, that a handsome young Girl in a Shop, will attract as many Beauty hunters to her shop, as sweet things will draw Flies to a Confectioners Stall. She had not lived long with her Mistress, but as she was envyed by her Neighbouring Apprentices, so she was admired and courted by many of the Gallants of that end of the Town. Her Mistress, who found the sweetness of the incomes of her new-come Servant gave her much more liberty, and countenance, than she had done any before, cloathing her in as good a habit, as might become such an excellent Face, and the Esteem that Gentlemen of Quality had for it.
She had by this time purged her self of the barbarisms and impurities of the English tongue, by the daily converse she had with the Ladies, and Gallants of the Court, and had learnt decorums in Carriage, as well as elegancies in Language. Her Mistress was much too blame in suffering her to wait upon Gentlemen at their Chambers, with Shirts, Sleeves, Cravats, &c. though it is customary, yet dangerous to those that would preserve their Honour. By which means she had so many temptations offered to her, that the like would have taken in the Maiden Fortress of a Vestal Votaress. They courted her with those Golden-Showers, which infallibly conquer, (having Jove for their President) no wonder then if she yielded to her overcomers.
This still brought in more Grists to her Mistresses’s Mill who gave her good Council to have a care of the Temptations of the Flesh; but she could discern by her Eyes her advice came too late: and knowing that Trade would not last long, gave her in a manner her own freedom, asking her leave, when she went abroad; but yet her Mistress was not such a Fool, but she knew well enough to whom she granted liberty to go abroad with her Servant; good Customers you may be sure. There was not a day hardly past, but she was Coacht; but at length she hackney’d it so long, that she got an ambling Nagg. Being recovered, she scorn’d to be dismaid for one hard bargain, but ventured at it again, and again; and now she was grown to that pass, she cared not, but cryed, Clap that Clap can, bearing in among them, firing Gun for Gun.
Her Mistress having reapt the utmost of her Harvest, advised her to keep in till she was well, and being so, make the best and quickest advantage she might of getting a Husband, for she told her, that she must stay with her no longer, she being so great a scandal to her Profession. My young Gentlewoman was over-ruled, courted, and a little after married, about two years before our Souldier of Fortune came acquainted with her, he now re-inforces his suit, and tells her withal, if she will be ruled by him, they should both march off together, it was agreed on, that she should observe her opportunity, and take what Money and Goods of her Husbands she could, and come to him; which accordingly she did: and now being both glad, that the one should be freed from a cross grain’d impotent Husband: and the other from a jealous deformed, ill condition’d Wife, they both went to the West of England, not intending then to leave the Kingdom; but finding a Ship ready to Sail for Barbadoes; and judging themselves not secure, till they got thither, or to some other forreign Plantation, they resolved to go, carrying Money enough to pay their passage, and Goods to live ashore on.
But let me not forget my promise, but give you an account of the rest in order; the next are,
They are hardly worth taking notice of, and therefore I shall not much trouble my self about them. They were brought up in London, and therefore they were capable of driving a Trade in the Countrey: and indeed they were forced to make that their refuge or Sanctuary. For in the place aforesaid, they were known to be such notorious Night-walkers, and Pick Pockets (for which they had been so often in those two famous Universities, Newgate and Bridewell,) that they resolved to go elsewhere: making choice of Excester, a place so remote from their former habitation and acquaintance, that they assured themselves of a new credit, amongst a People so altogether unknown to them.
There they took a Chamber, (lying together) and went for two Sisters; the noise of two London Button-makers coming down to inhabit in that City, quickly reacht the ears of the Shopkeepers therein, and that word, London carried so great a sway, and esteem with it, that they were presently imployed, and had much work a days. A young Mercer, newly set up, fell in love with one of them, and prosecuted his Suit so closely, that though with much difficulty (she giving him many repulses to make him the more eager in the pursuit), yet he at length obtained his desires, and so fond he was of his enjoyments, that his business must needs lie at six and sevens, since, all the day after, he imployed his time in the Company. She like a Cunningham, at last fearing the Proverb will prove true, (Hot love grows soon cold,) she pretended herself with Child, which in two Months time grew so monstrously fast, that he must believe what his eyes saw so apparently. His Breech made Buttons too now, and not knowing how to save his Reputation, he consulted his best wits again, and again; at length found this the only expedient to preserve his endangered credit, that is, to give her a good sum of Mony, with which he might perswade her to remove into the Countrey. He propounded this to her, (and although she was ready to leap out of her skin to see her Design take so good effect,) yet she would give no hearing to it, but falling on her knees, beg’d that he would save hers, and his own Reputation, by making her an honest Woman, that is, marrying her: if he would not condescend to that, she would admit of no other terms, but what sudden death should make her the overture of.
Some days he spent in perswading her; getting her good will; he gave her a sum of Money to accommodate her lying Inn, in the Country; giving a good part to her Comrade, and ordering her to stay till her return, which should be speedy; she took leave of her Lover, as if she had been doing the like to her Soul going a Voyage to the other world. But she was no sooner out of sight, but she re-assumed her former jolly temper; coming to an Inn (where she was to lie that night) she there miscarried of a Cushon. To carry on her project with the least suspition, the next day she went for Bristol, where staying four or five days to recreate her self, and see the curiosities of that City, she removed to another, from thence to a third, fourth, and fifth, only to prolong time, that she might not be suspected on her return. Six weeks being expired, she shap’t her course homewards, where being arrived, she found her Comrade had not been idle, but had imployed those hands she sate on to a very good advantage.
Her Lover hearing of her return played least in sight; and although he heard that she had cast her Colt, yet would not come nigh her, for fear of paying as dearly for his pleasures, as he had done before; and so resolved to acquit her for ever. Yet his forsaking her did not hinder other Visitants. To conclude, they had cheated so many with the pretence of being with Child, that the younger-Fry were afraid to come near them, being lookt upon by the Town, no other than a Couple of subtle Trapans. Their Trade thus miserably decaying, they resolved to try what effects Night-walking would produce. So stroling about one evening, with their white Aprons spread as a Flagg of Truce, they walkt a long time before they could meet with any fit for the purpose; in short, when it was grown late, they met with a Gentleman coming out of a Tavern, more than half drunk, whom they pickt up, the bargain was quickly struck, and into an Entry they went, one of the Sisters standing at door as a Centinal; at length (quoth she within) Good Sir, let me go, the Watch is coming; which he hearing, stept nimbly into the street, because he would not be found with Females in so suspected a place; casting his head about, he perceiving his two Wenches make more than ordinary haste, he presently suspected that they had shew’d his Pockets foul Play; wherefore putting his Hands therein, found his Watch missing, he straightways ran after them, and just overtook them as he met with the Watch, by whom they were secured, and being searcht, the Watch was found; the next day they were carried before a justice, who upon Examination, finding them guilty, committed them to Gaol. At the Sizes, such a general complaint (besides this theft) came in against them by the sober Citizens, for debauching and ruinating their Servants, that they were both sentenced to be transported. The same Sizes was doom’d another after the same manner, and for the same practice, whom whosoever marries, hath got a wife with a treble Trade, a Whore, a Thief, and a Stockin-mender; but fearing lest if I handle her, I shall offend your Noses, I shall pass her by, and present your Nostrils with the perfume of
Fair Oranges,——Fine Lemmons, a cunning Slut, who by a fifteen years practice, had got her trade to her fingers end! She used that cry in the streets of London at first, to get her a livelihood; but her Face had so cryed her up, that her Gallants would have decryed her Trade, as too mean a thing for her to follow; but she would not be perswaded to it, fearing she should be abridged of her Liberty. For whilst she had the liberty of roving every where, she had the priviledge and freedom to go boldly into a Tavern, where she not only sold her Ware, but had the convenience to truck for a Commodity of another sort. She was witty, and very well furnisht with a drolling Common-Place-Book, out of which she could suit any merry discourse whatsoever. By which means her company was so generally coveted, that she could not pass the streets, but that some or other out of a Tavern-Window would call her up, who would empty her Basket, fill her skin with Wine, only that they might make some sport with her. A wealthy old Widower, an Ale-house-keeper, knowing how generally she was belov’d, cared not much to be made a Cuckold, so that he could but increase his Trade, which he knew he should do, if he married her, which he did by a very expensive CourtshipCourtship, she not caring if he had spent every groat.
She lived with him some years, in which time they had got a world of Money, the house being seldom full before, but since her coming thither, always filled for her sake. The old fooll (having gotten enough) began now to dote on her, and grew so jealous, that he could not abide to see her in any company that was younger than himself, which she not enduring, made up a good Purse of Money, and went into Yorkshire, where attiring her self like Widow, every one believed that she was so, and behaved her self so generously in all her deportments, that she soon had Suiters of good quality swarming about her. She was so crafty, that she never countenanced those, who had ever made the least scruple by enquiring what she was, whence she came, what she had, &c. but scorning such enquiries, would sometimes frankly say, when many of them were together; Gentlemen, I wonder you should busie your selves about me, I trouble you not, therefore trouble not me; I intend to borrow no Money of you, and leave an Estate mortgaged for the payment; I have enough, and will lend you some upon good Security, if that you come for. An old stale Batchellor (a Semi-Usurer) hearing this, strikes in with her, tell her he had Money enough too, (which she had heard before) and that if she pleased to make a scrutiny into the truth thereof, she might; however he would not question her Estate, but be very well contented, if she had no more than what was on her back; she desired some time to consider on so weighty a matter as Marriage was; not considering before what it meant, however she was alotted a very good Husband, and should she now marry a worse, it would be her hearts-breaking. He promised her every thing so fair, that it cleared up all her doubts, and so they joyned together in a Matrimonial tye.
The Husband she left in London, was not only Horn-mad, but stark-mad for the loss of his Wife, and so diligent he was in the search of her, that like Scoggin, looking for a Hare in the Roof of a House leaded, so he sought her not only in places probable, but as unlikely to find her. His enquiry was so indefatigable, that at length he heard that she was in Yorkshire, and was informed of the place wherein she was. Over joy’d at the news, he immediately takes horse, and rides away towards her, resolving to forgive her whatever she had done, if she would return with him, not knowing she was married.
The old man came just to Town as it was her hap to look out at the window; she knew him streight, and was ready to drop down dead, to think what would be become of her; but a Womans wit, which is alwayes best at a push, prompted her to call hastily for her Husband, who running to her; What is the matter, said he? O Husband, said she, Do you see yonder Man on Horse-back? Yes, yes, he replyed; then pray thee Sweet-heart run quickly and dog him where he Inns; and having so done, return with all the speed you can possibly: never did Foot-boy dispatch a Ladies errand speedier than he; and being returned; Now my dear, said she, I will tell thee how happily things fall out; as I was looking out of that window, I saw that man you dogg’d, I have not seen him these five years before, he was indebted to my husband in the sum of 300l. the Money hath been due long since, and not yet paid, it is thine now, go instantly and arrest him at thine own Suit, I will prove the Debt, his name is ——— This obedient Coxcomb performed what his Wife desired him to do: This Brother Starling of his being not acquainted in the place, and not being able to produce Bail, was constrained to go to Prison, where we leave him, vowing and protesting he neither knew the Man, nor ever owed in all his life half the sum. In the mean time our Orange-woman had perswaded her Husband to give her leave to go to London with all speed and fetch the Bond she had left in a friends hand, and if need required, bring the Witness down; there is no fear Husband, said she, of the Money, for his Estate consists solely in that, imploying it in buying Cattle in Ireland, and transporting them into England; I have laid wait for him many and many a time, but never could meet with so happy an opportunity.
Her Husband poor credulous Gentleman, believed every word she said, and consented to her motion, with much alacrity. The next day the Stage Coach was to set forth, so he went streight and bespake a place, whilst she had fixt every thing for her next dayes journey. That night, when her Husband was fast asleep, she took the Key of his Closet out of his Pocket, and opening it, she unlockt a Cabinet, and took thence a hundred pieces of old Gold, which had lain there many a year undisturbed. In the morning by time, after a great deal of seeming sorrow that she should be thus necessitated to be absent from her dearly beloved Husband, she entred the Coach, and was quickly out of sight. At the first Baiting-stage the Coach came at, she altered her resolution of going for London, telling the Coachman, she had extraordinary business some fifteen miles out of the way, and that if he would drive the Coach that way, she would reward him; he told her it was impossible to be done, (which she knew as well as himself), But Madam, said he, you have paid the Coach, and you may do as you please.
She hired a Horse presently, and a Man to ride before her, and having rid till it was almost dark, she caused her Man to make what haste he could to the next Inn, pretending she was mistaken in the length of the way. The next morning calling for a Quart of Mull’d Sack, she drank to her Man, making him very merry, and then told him, she was resolved to go for Chester, having business of greater moment to dispatch there first; so giving him a Crown for his own pains, & half a Crown a day, for so long as they should be out, the Fellow was very glad of, knowing his Master would be pleased with him for so doing. Coming there, she dismissed the Fellow, and hearing there were Ships ready to Sail, the next day she went to Holy-head, and there imbarqu’d for Dublin.
How her two Husbands in her absence agreed I know not; but she no sooner thought her self secure in this strange Country, but she appear’d as splendid in Apparel, as the greatest Court-gallant of them all, and with a new Surname Coacht it with the best of them, and marryed again, (a thing too often practised there) and lived so long there, till she had spent what her Husband had gotten in many years labour; and now when all was gone in a manner, she falls into the acquaintance of a young huffing Blade, who not daring to stay longer in Ireland, (by reason of the many Debts he owed there) perswaded her to go for Bristol with him, where she should have what her heart could desire. Having a greater love for his Person than she had a belief to what he promised, she yielded; and without trifling away time, put their purpose into present practice. Being at Sea, they had like to have split upon the Bishop and his twelve Clerks, (Rocks so called lying to the Southward of Wales) had she been there lost, any one that knew her life and conversation, might have lookt on it as a just Judgement, having abused and violated those sacred Laws the Church hath injoyned her to observe by her most detestable Polygamy. However, they were hindred from putting into the Port they were bound to, and instead thereof, arrived at Barnstable; where in a little time after their arrival, he growing weary of her, took every Penny she had, not leaving her wherewithal to discharge her Quarters. She was rightly served, and may all such meet with punishments suitable to their notorious practises. The fear of her Husband knowing where she was, and the fulness of her own temper together, (seeing she should be thus outwitted) made her thus resolve the tryal of retrieving her misfortune in a foreign adventure. Almost on the same Basis or Ground-work was founded the desperate resolution of our two Crack’t Maiden-Servants. For the one was tollerably handsome, and thought her self meat good enough for her Master, or his Son; The latter of which she liked best, but he fitted her not to her liking; for having gotten her Maiden-head, (by promising her Marriage) and with Child to boot, marryed another; She being foolish, and having no Friends to advise her how to compensate her loss by suing him, she only took pet, put finger in eye, and vow’d she would never see him; a shrewd threat for one that was glad to be rid of her. Her Companion with her knowing her resolution, having staid to the age of near forty, and not one so much as proffering to kiss her, (for indeed had you seen her when she had drest her self with all the advantages her utmost Art could use, you must have turned your head aside,) I say having lived thus long a Maid, (I dare swear for her) and never expecting to have to do with any Christian, she had some hopes that she might be a subject fit enough for some barbarous Black Diabolical Infidel, to get Cannibals upon.
And now having given you an account of what Cattle we had aboard, except only what I have purposely left to bring up the Reer, and they are four
Not to describe them particularly, but all of their Function in general; They are things of prodigious strength, which is sufficiently manifested in the ruin of the strongest Man, and back-sliding of the wisest Man. I hardly know, or have heard of any whom they have not stagger’d, excepting Job, who firmly stood maugre the Devil, and his Wife.
In the faces of the common Traders by diligent search, you may find some Raggs of over-worn Beauty, like old Clothes in Brokers windows, to make you believe that there are better wares within; yet he that trades with them, is like to have a bad bargain, for she can sell him nothing but the Pox, or Repentance. As for their upper parts, they are the Shops of Cupid, and their lower parts are his Warehouse. Length of time makes them turn Bank-rupts, spoiling their Game by wrinckling their faces, which paint must rectify, but so hardly, that with all their black Spots and Patches they look but like a rusty Gamon of Bacon stuck with Cloves, scarce so beautiful, but not half so savoury; coming to this Age, she is like a rotten stick, only fit to kindle green ones. In short, they are a loathsome stinking Carreon, too unclean to enter into Heaven, too diseased to continue longer on Earth; the shame and stain of her Sex, the scorn of wise-men, and utter ruine of fools. These two Brase of Whores were taken up at Excester upon the like account as the former Females were, for Whoring, Filching, and debauching, and so suffered the same doom with the rest. That famous City since it had a name, had never been so pester’d before with such a brood of Cockatrices. It is true, your London Doxies will go down into the Countrey sometimes for their pastime, with their Cullyes, but when ere they come, it is but a touch and away, but these deluding and destroying Syrens, staid so long, till they were ready to spawn, and had not their own too publick Roguery detected them, they in a little time longer might have infected half the Countrey.
Our Master having intelligence of this brave booty, rode to Exeter, where agreeing for this parcel of Cattle, he took them all down with him to Barnstable, shipping them immediatly upon his arrival; not long after my Rogueship (being nipt in the Bud of my Roguish designs, my forwards prancks shewing what a dangerous fellow I might prove if I were let alone to grow up in them,) was committed to the custody of the Master of the Ship, to carry me with the rest to some remote place far enough distant from England, that it might not be disturbed with the noise of our lewd and vitious Practises. I had not been many hours among them, before I began to take special notice of my new Comrades, and not many dayes e’re I drew such remarkable observations from them all, as to give you this account of them, the major part whereof is the extract of their own confessions; and now I shall proceed as to our Voyage.
