The Sea-Captain gives an account of his illegitimate Birth at Bristol, was left on a Stall, and maintained by the Parish. He is deluded by a Bawd, and perswaded to steal; he is taken ipso facto, committed, arraigned, and condemned to be transported; the Bawd is carted.

It’s now high time for me to acknowledge the great Satisfaction I have received in your relating so many witty and pleasant passages, that have occurr’d in your lives time hitherto; nor can I (without injuring your ingenuity) but commend your generous freedom in discoursing every Remarque, and not omiting any observable, though you knew it could not chuse but cut the very throat of your dying Reputations; and that I may not seem to fall short of that frankness, and gallantry, I will not so much as seem tainted of the late unpardonable sin of these times; Men making it generally their business to censure the Lives and Actions of others, without being in the least sensible of their own, or amending those they cannot hide. Wherefore I shall not abate my self an Ace, nor shall I let a Vice escape, (whereof I am and hath been plentifully stored) without letting you take notice of its shape, complexion, and constitution; Nor shall I hide this truth from you, that I came into the world by stealth; being begot in Hugger-mugger. As my Parents begot me rashly, so they left me carelesly to the world, not doubting, but that which was gotten with so much heat, would live in spight of Fate. They were the more resolute in this cruel resolution of leaving me on a Stall, having generally observed the good Fortune that generally attends Bastards. I was not long left on the Stall, (as my Nurse hath several times since informed me,) but that Hunger awakening me, I piped so shrilly, (and so unexpectedly lowd from a Child so young,) that I soon penetrated the ears of a great many pitiful minded persons that were passing by that way: but the greatest number were of the Female Sex. The Maids, you may think had fine tittering sport; whilst I poor Babby cryed for I knew not what, and well it had been if I never had known what it was to shed a Tear. At length a notable old Woman of the vulgar sort, pressing into the crowd; Stand aside (quoth she) ye giggletting Huzzies; get ye home to your Mistresses service; there is some of ye, for all your laughing now I warrant ye, will be putting finger in eye before these nine Months, upon the like account, and so steps to me; What (said she) the Child must not starve, though it be a By blow; its none of the poor infants fault; and so opening her Breast, she conducted her Nipple to my mouth, which immediately quieted my bawling. Various were the Discourses and suppositions of the People whose Child I should be, every one giving in his verdict according to his imagination, or the suspitions he had entertained of such and such. Some that were more curious and inquisitive than the rest, strictly survey’d me all over, and having commended me for a lusty Child (as generally such are, who are begotten by the heat of blood and strength, grown to full perfection) but likewise praised the proportion and promising features of my tender countenance. At last, a Paper some espy’d pinn’d to my breast, which my Nurse preserving, since I was of years, she gave them me, and I committed them to my memory, which were these:

Whilst these were reading by a fellow, that thought himself not meanly so, because he could read written hand; there was a general silence, but no sooner had he ended, but there arose a greater tattling noise in the Crowd, than twenty Bake-houses, or a Fair in any Countrey town could produce. Saith one; I warrant the Father on’t was no Fool, for doubtlesly he wrote the Verses, but the Mother was without question a cruel Quean, that could find in her heart to let so lovely a Babe to perish by extremity of cold; for it was then about January. The Constable was straight way informed of this accident, who readily came, and caused me to be carryed to a Churchwardens: the Woman that was so tender-hearted as to suckle me, was glad of the imployment, hoping she might be the Woman elected to be my Nurse; which fell out accordingly, she lately loosing her own Child of a quarter old. The good woman was overjoyed she had got another to supply the place of her own; especially since she suspected that her age would not permit her to be assisting in the getting of another, and therefore was the more tender of me; Her care and fondness made me grow apace, so that in 12 Months I was called her chopping Boy. To pass over that age, wherein the understanding is in Embrio, and Reason and Experience have not yet consulted about the governing of the grand concerns of mans future being; I shall only give you an account of my Life from the Ninth Year of my Age, till this present.

My Nurse could not choose, when I was but Seven years old, but take notice of many things I committed, for which she severely chastis’d me, endeavouring to stop me in my first proceedings, knowing my pretty Rogueries had their rise from an inclination to all manner of Vice. Above all things I loved all sorts of strong Liquors, not that anything accounted pleasurable, could go amiss with me; for how could it otherwise be, since my Parents, (as I have been informed) studied only how to enjoy their Heaven here, by enjoying what was agreeable most to sence; and therefore I could not be unlike them, who was the absolute extract of no common delights. I say I loved in an extraordinary measure, whatsoever was strong, yet being too young, and so could not drink for the sake of good company, I would greedily drink for its own sake, and that I might procure my satisfaction that way, I found frequent opportunities to steal small parcels out of my Nurses Purse when she was asleep, and then pretending that she sent me for Ale, would drink it by the way; Any small trivial thing, as a Knife, &c. in any House wherever I came, I instantly seiz’d them as my proper Goods and Chattels, and converted them to the use aforesaid: I had a very good convenience of a Bawdy-house not above a Musquet shot from our House; the well disposed Matron thereof, would not only receive what I brought, but would give me half as much Ale as it was worth, besides her blessing, (curse be upon it, I never thriv’d since I had it,) the breath of her best wishes being enough to blast the most promising hopes, that ever yet aspiring Youth entertain’d within his breast; Nay, she told me I was her white Boy, instructed and encouraged me in the Art of theevery, telling me the welcomer I was, the oftner I came. By this means I began to know what it was to keep Company, her Wenches being my initiators, by whose help and my forward endeavours, I commenced Master of Art, before I could sum up Twelve years; I soon became Professor of that deep Mystery, and could when occasion served not, swear mouthingly, (which others call gracefully,) looking impudently, talk impertinently, or imprudently, drink profoundly, and smoak everlastingly. I had got a trick to laugh at every thing, because I would not be accounted morose, or phlegmatick; The melancholy man is a thing by itself, differing from the whole creation; in which every individual species loves either an intercourse in converse, or amicable Society. That humour certainly was spawned by the Devil if it be true (as it is affirmed) that all Vices take their Original from Melancholy: on the contrary, what fault can he commit, whilst he is laughing, and merry, that deserves so much as the knitting of a Brow? Not that I will excuse my self; for my laughter was immoderate, and unseasonable, things so offensively ridiculous to any wise man, (as I have considered since) that it were better to be destitute of a mouth, than that distorted Mouth should abuse the grateful off-spring of a cheerful heart.

I could not have gone to a fitter School than this, to learn Impudence, Lies, Oaths, Drunkenness, with all other Vices and Debaucheries, which commonly flow from such like Nurseries for Hell, Factors for the Devil. My frequent ramblings after this manner abroad, and in my returns, my jolly temper and jocular humour at home, made my Nurse begin to suspect me, calling me to an account where I had been, with whom, and whether I had not tippled. I was grown so stout a Drunkard in so short a time, that my tongue and feet made a firm contract never to betray me, and therefore to all her demands I had excuses at my fingers ends: However she could not but sensibly find a decrease in her small stock; her chief livelihood depending on the sale of Apples, Nuts, Ginger-bread, Eggs, and the like, and thought all her endeavours were blasted from above: I saw her much troubled, and grieved, and I could not but be a little troubled, that I should be the destruction of my preserver; but as seldom any such perplexing thoughts came into my head, so I was ever cautious how I entertained such disquietness. But Heaven decreed, that I should not be the ruine of this Woman, and therefore permitted me to go no longer on in my Roguery with her. For a little distance off our House, I stept into a lower room in an Alehouse, and seeing no body, I imagined the coast was clear. If I had seen any, I should have askt some blind question or other; for I was sufficiently well acquainted, not only in that Parish, but through all Bristol; that was the place of my Nativity: I say, seeing none, I catcht up a Beaker, thinking it was Silver, (but its new scouring deceived me) and clapt it into my Breeches, and so marcht off, as I thought undiscovered, endeavouring with what speed I could to repair to my old Rendezvouz. But he that observed me to steal the Beaker did now dog me to the Bawdy-house, which I had no sooner entred, but I was groaping in my Breeches for my purchase, which when I had pull’d out, I tendred to my Landlady, desiring her to be civil to me; ne’re question (quoth the fellow behind my back, that had watcht, and now catcht me) you shal have as much civility as a whip will bestow on your back; besides what kindness lies in my power to do you. Hearing him say so, I would have run a race with him, but I found him indisposed, being out of breath before, and therefore held me fast, desiring one of those that were crowding about the door to hear what was the matter, to go and fetch a Constable, which one more officious Rascal than the rest, presently did; and the Constable taking me in custody, and about to carry me before the Justice (cryed) Hold, good Mr. Constable, I pray, Sir, let me desire you to put your self to the trouble to view the House farther; which by this gave Matrons leave, I question not we shall find well furnished with variety of Goods which by her constant care, and the indefatigable pains of others she hath gotten together. This fellow, with the Constable, and my own roguish Urchinship had no sooner entred the Kitchin, but he espyed a Plate with the Letters of his name on’t, which I had stoln about a fortnight before from him: which taking up in his hands, sharply demanded of the good old Gentlewoman, how long it had been a sojourner in her house, and by what means it came to stray so far from home? This antiquated piece of more than common impudence, did not stick to tell him that she bought two dozen of them of such a one, that lately broke up House keeping. Where are they, quoth he? before you on the shelf, quoth she, with as much ignorance, as confidence. Upon this, he made his eyes the diligent and speedy Surveyors of that shelf on which the Plate stood, and of two dozen he found not two marked with one and the same Letters. Why thou illiterate fool (said he) I took thee till now to be an old crafty Devil-ridden Hag; the very Marks (which are all several) do sufficiently evidence that each had his Master, before thou wert Mistress of the four and twenty. Hereupon he made a strict Survey over the Utensils of the Kitchen, and found most of them of the like nature. Some trivials whereof he knew to be his own, as Spoons, Porringers, Sawcers, and other small things of light carriage, and easie conveyance, all which he seized and committed them to the custody of the Constable. Then turning to me; Come my little-pretty-rascally thief (quoth he) as you have shewn your self ingenuous, so ingeniously confess what things you have stollen from time to time, either from me or my Neighbourhood, and in so doing I will stand your friend, and endeavour to mitigate the severity of your ensuing punishment.

I hearkened diligently to his flattering words, (for so I found them) but knew not what to resolve on, thinking on the old Proverb, Confess and be hang’d made me as silent, as a Turkish Mute, or one born dumb. Which he perceiving and finding me timerous; come, confess like a good Boy, saith he, otherwise it shall be the worse for you. Hearing him say so, I trembling looking stedfastly on him, to my great sorrow could read in his angry countenance the manner and severity of my punishment. Certainly had he at the time been arraigned upon suspition of Murder, the Judge needed no other evidence than that of his monstrously cruel looks. Never did Keeper of New-gate look half so frightingly on a re-taken Fellon, having broken Prison, than he on me, and therefore without dallying with him further, I fell on my knees, and with as many salt tears, as sweet words begging his pardon, I informed him of every particular I could remember that I had stollen from him; assuring him further, that it was not my own natural disposition, but the instigation of that old Beldame (pointing to the Bawd) that induced me thereunto; encouraging me daily in this pilfering way, by receiving what I brought her, and making me drunk for it; and if I had not brought her a purchase once in two dayes, I had her menaces and threats; besides her upbraiding me with sloath and idleness, and calling me her good boy for nought. Mrs. Bawd had not the patience to hold her tongue longer, but too hastily endeavouring to excuse her self, by accusing me, her lying pretences had like to have choaked her by disgorging them too fast, so that she was forced to pawse a while till she had recovered a little breath, and wiped away the froth she had so plentifully foamed at the mouth; presently after she opened in this manner; Why you young Rogue? how dare you thus abuse an honest Woman (though I say it) of my Calling? I am old enough to be your Grandmother, and therefore you might have reverenced my Age. Besides I have paid Scot and Lot these two and thirty years where I live, and as well, or better acquainted with the Justice, than most of the Parish are with his Clerk; Sirrah, it is well known what I am; a Mother of many Children in an honest calling, and never left them to be kept by the Parish, as your Mother did you, Whores-egg. I have had Knights and gallant Gentlemen in my House early and late, and none of them ever yet could say black was mine eye. I have had as fine handsom Gentlewomen (and young too) as any in this City, that would not have dined with their friend without me, I thank them; and as they were my Lodgers, they had so great a respect for me, that they would not stir abroad, or hardly do any thing without my approbation, and such was their esteem of me, that I am venerably called their Mother by them, and others to this day.

Well Mother, (then said my Securer) let us go to this Justice you are so well acquainted with; I doubt me, that knowledge you have of him will do you no great good; it would have been more your advantage if you had less known him. And so without further delay he charging the Constable with us, and the Constable charging others to aid and assist him, my Grandame and I were both conveyed before the Justice, where upon examination I confessed all, not mincing the truth in the least, laying all the fault on the Bawd, who endeavoured to excuse her self, but to no purpose for the Justice told her he knew her too well, and was glad of this opportunity to put a period to her Bawdy reign; as I had confest my self guilty of those petty thefts, so I had my mittimus immediately drawn, and so had she hers too, and the more deservedly, by how much the Receiver is worse than the Thief. We wanted not attendance (you may imagine) to the Gaol: the whole Street, and the next to that being raised in an instant to see a spectacle so preposterously disagreeable. In the first place a thing so antiquated and old, that there was not one on Earth living that knew her age, neither could she tell herself, having outlived the knowledge thereof, and yet instead of minding her winding sheet, she would have stoln her own Coffin rather than lawfully buy it, had she any way of a cleanly conveyance; nay would have cheated the Sexton of a Burying-place, if her nails, which were long enough, had they been as strong, could dig her own Grave. In the next place, a sight to be lamented, one so young, that he had no sooner skipt out of his Hanging sleeves, but was gotten into the Highway, or ready road to be hang’d.

The Crowd and throng of People was so great about us, that the Constable made what speed he could to Shop us, so that we were forced to march a-pace, a thing that would vex a Horse to be on a Hand-Gallop to his own throat cutting. The Boys and Girls swarm’d about me, some calling me singly, Thief; others, theeving Bastard; which unpleasant sounds did so often beat against the Drum of my ear, that angers Heroick passion was quickly alarm’d, and did soon put it self into a posture of revenge. Though I knew my self basely born, yet I found my blood had the same heat and height of that of Princes; and though I was too sensible of the Guilt of their aspersions, yet my lofty Spirit would not brook to be upbraided therewith; wherefore, if any with his reproaches came so near, as that I could reach him with my Fist, I would not there fail to ring him a Peal. I had dasht so many in the Face, Eyes, and Mouth, or wherever I could best strike, that I engaged a young Army of Enemies against me, who in Front and Rear, nay, on each wing too, did so desperately assault me, that had I had the hands of a score of Briariuses they would have been to few, if no stronger than mine. The Constable at last was forc’d to be my Champion, who so bravely defended me, as not to deprive me of my offending my numerous Foes.

You must not imagine that our good Matron went along more quietly than my self, who, (while I was so disadvantagiously fighting my way through) was pelted on all sides with rotten Apples, Addle Egs, Dirt, or whatever was filthy or loathsom; so that by that time we got to the Gaol, she was now fitter for a Pest-house than a Prison, having all those stinking ingredients about her, that are the common procurers of an universal Contagion. She no sooner entred the Gate, but the Prisoners cryed out, sough, what have you brought hither? Do you think Want and Vermin will not kill us fast enough, but you must thus poyson us? Such Criminals as were so skilful as to know their own Fortunes, were in hopes that the stench of this woman would save the Judge the trouble of Condemning; and the Sheriff the labour of hanging them. Others who knew they should not die that Sessions of a suffocating Quinsy, laid presently violent hands on her, and dragging her into the Yard, there Pumpt her sweet and clean. The next work was to Hand-cuff us, and clap bolts between our Legs. My Godfathers (the Churchwardens of the Parish) hearing of their graceless God-childs confinement, came to visit me, who were worse than ever Jobs comforters were, for they only upbraided them of those secret sins which had thus publickly disgraced him; but these told me, shame was too mild a punishment, and hanging was too good for me. In short, that should be my end, and wisht I had saved the Parish from charges, by being hanged some years before. My Grandam hearing what a sad sentence my Ghostly-Fathers pronounced against me, and that I must inevitably go to Pot concluded she should be Roast-meat to bear me Company at old Nicks table; for the People by her Diabolical looks were more than half persuaded she could not but be a Witch at least.

Sessions approaching I often meditated on the word, Hanging; but the word struck so heavy on my Imagination, that it rather benummed than anyways quickned the sence of punishment: Death I lookt on then with the ignorant and misjudging eyes of a childish understanding, fancying that it was but the meer privation of Life, and there is an end, and not the separation of Soul and Body for a while, till they be by the Infinity rejoyn’d, never to be separated again, either in endless Joys, or Eternal Woes. But as often as I thought I should be soundly whipt, or but have as many single stripes, for every several Roguery I committed, so often would the tears trickle from my eye, whilst my heart was ready to burst, not having the benefit to discharge its grief.

Whilst I was ruminating with my self, what would become of me, my good Nurse came to me, at whose sight I was ready to dissolve into Tears, neither was she much behind hand with me, so that it was very difficult to judge who wept fastest. But at length recovering her self, she charged me home with all my miscarriages, and thinking she had made me fully sensible of them (which she thought she had done by my pitiful looks) she then instructed me, how I should behave my self for the future, if I escaped this bout, and finally counsellingcounselling me that I should freely confess my faults to the Judge, and then most penitently (with all submissiveness) beg his Honour not only to pardon, but pity the tenderness of my Age. I con’d my Lesson so well, that three days after, when I was carried to the Sessions House amongst the rest of the Prisoners, and being called to the Bar, I was bid hold up my Hand, and answer to guilty or not guilty, to what I stood Indicted? I answered guilty (submissa voce) with so low a voice and so much seeming shamefacedness, that the judge I perceived took special notice of my seeming modest behaviour. He thereupon askt me how old I was: My Lord (said I) my Nurse informs me I am twelve years old. A prime youngster indeed, replyed my Lord; but why said you your Nurse inform’d you, and not your Mother? May it please your Honour, (said I) I was never so happy, either to know what she was, or where she is. At this reply of mine, I observed his Lordship more amazed, than he was before surprized, to see so young a Felon appear before him; his wonder was so great, that he only caused me to be set aside, and so proceeded to the Trial of others. I was so kind to my Granney, that I impeacht her not, and indeed her mittimus ran (by the connivance of her old friend the Justice, who had been a good Milch Cow to him, but could now keep her off no longer) for only keeping a House of Debauchery, and rank Bawdry. At the last day of the Sessions I was sentenced to be transported, and the venerable Gentlewoman (out of pure love to see me aboard) had the favour to ride (by reason of her great age) in a certain thing, vulgarly called a Tumbril, being Carted through the Town, attended according to custom, with the usual Ceremonies that are duly performed on such solemn occasions.