The Drugster in relating his Life, discovers several Cheats which he performed under the Cloak of Religion; as also how he cheated his Masters Sister of her Maiden-head and Estate; and several Cheats in Smuckling.

Though the whole course of my Life, from my Infancy to this time, hath been a continued piece of Knavery, I having been of many Trades, and most Factions in Religion, in which I have always been a very great stickler: yet I shall not give you any account of my minority, omitting all my actions till I came to about twenty years of age, when I had gained some experience in the world, and had learned how to play my Cards to the best advantage.

I served an Apprentiship with a Master, whose whole Family, consisting of himself, Wife, Sister, and four Servants, was an absolute Compendium of most Religious Factions then practised in England: He himself was a strict rigid Presbyterian; his Wife, a Ranter; his Sister, an Anabaptist; three of the Servants Independants, but of several Churches and Perswasions; and I, though an Independant, being of all Religions, yet was of none at all, that gave them all the hearing; and with my Master was a Presbyterian, and would ordinarily accompany him in his long-winded prayers, which being filled with tautologies and nonsence, he esteemed, and often used, believing himself to be assisted with a Divine Spirit. Many absurdities he committed in his Devotion, as praying for the Reformation of his Family, and pointing out a time when he should or would have a return of his Prayers, at which time he would charge Providence with the fault; he having strictly observed all the Commandments, in Fasting, Praying, relieving the Brethren, and performing all other Duties which Sir John his Ghostly father had imposed on him. He would often recount the particular enormities of his Wife and Family, and how she lay out from him three nights together in a week, and where she was; and would earnestly pray for, either her conversion or confusion. Many other impertinencies would he commit, which would be too tedious to me to recount: but in general, I found his zeal to be a weakness in his brain, and he was continually led about as Sir John Presbyter directed.

My Mistress was likewise led about by those of her Gang, which were absolute Libertines, affording themselves all manner of pleasure, and denying themselves the injoyment of nothing they could purchase; and she would pretend Religion in all her frollicks: for she would say, That no sin was imputed to the Saints; and indeed it was no sin, unless she her self thought it so. That she, or any other Sister, might lie with another Brother, was accounted a general maxime amongst them, especially if they chose their time when their Husbands are asleep, which they termed to be dead, and therefore might then do it without breach of any Commandment. She would be very costly both in her Apparel and diets alleadging, that it was not fit, that the Body which was a sacred Temple, should be coursly either clothed or fed. I had a great mind to have been of her Religion, because there was so much freedom and enjoyments therein; but my Master kept me in a little too strictly; and my Mistress keeping company with the High-boys, slighted the tender of my service. Thus having failed in this attempt, I made my way to my Mistresses Sister, who was an Anabaptist; she I often waited on by my Mistresses commands, and at length was admitted to be one of the Brethren in the Conventicle, whereof she was a Sister; I professed a great deal of zeal for that way, and my Master often instructed me in Scripture, I soon from a proficient became a Preacher, and was of great eminency amongst them.

Thus did I spend my time till my Apprenticeship was out, and I was a freeman; and then did I begin to look about me, to see what I might get for my self: for I had never undertaken this course of Teaching, but in hopes to gain my Mistresses Sister; and she still put me off till I was out of my time, pleading tenderness of Conscience would not permit her to give me any enjoyment of her before Marriage, and that could not lawfully be done, till my time was out; which being come, I freshly courted her, and she gave me the hearing, but still put me off desiring me first to settle my self in the World. I now believing that she intended to delude me was resolved to play the same hand at Cards with her; and perswading her that I still gained somewhat of an Estate by my dealings in the World, I spent some moneys on her, and taking my opportunity gained my ends upon her; for pretending that I had lately made a bargain, whereby I should get 100l. if I had fifty pound ready money more then my own, which was likewise fifty pound; She having moneys by her, willingly consented to lend me fifty pound, provided that she might see the disbursing thereof. I then thinking to kill two Birds with one stone, readily consented; and heartily thanking her, desired her to provide her self to go with me next Tide to Gravesend, where I was to lay out the moneys: she did accordingly, and carrying fifty pound with her, I having raised such another sum, we took boat and made for Gravesend, where when we arrived, I left her to rest herself at an Inn, and went on board a Ship that was newly come from the Indies, and bought as much Indigo as came to 150l. I had it a very good penny worth, but not so good as to perswade her that I should gain 100l. by it, which I had promised: wherefore that I might make out the matter to be plain to her, I engaged the Seaman I had dealt withal to secrecy, and made this bargain, that I would pay him 100l. down, and pay the rest in two moneths, telling him that I was a great dealer. He believing me without much difficulty, not only consented to this, but also to say, that he had but 100 l. for all the Commodity; we having thus agreed, went to my Sweet-hearts Chamber, and there concluded our bargain before her; who having some skil in the price of that Commodity, did believe the bargain to be as profitable as I alledged to her, and freely laid down her money, which together with my fifty pound was paid to the Seaman, and the goods delivered into a Lighter to be carried to London, and delivered according to order.

This affair being dispatch’d, I was resolved to drive the nayl home a little further, and as I had got the money, so to get the maid; wherefore I pretending expedition, told her, it would be most convenient for us to ride home: she wholly confiding in me, consented thereto, and a horse was procured to carry us double; mounted we were, and so advanced on our journy; but pretending some business, I made an halt at the next Town home wards, where I did my Horse the unkindness to prick him in the foot, that he might halt, and not be able to carry us through that night; this being done, we again mounted, and I fell to thanking my Mistress for this great favour, not only in assisting me with her purse, but accommodating me with her Company; and now, said I, I hope you will no longer delay me the enjoyment of yourself, and the rest of your Estate. Truly, said she, this days action hath resolved me of all doubts, and now I have so good opinion of you, that I shall no longer delay our marriage, then shall stand with your conveniency. To this I returned answer full of love and kindness. Our horse by this time felt the effects of my work, for he halted so much, that we could only go a foot pace, and with much difficulty came to the next Town, where we were forced to alight; and it now growing late, and impossible to get to London that night, we resolved to take up our quarters for the present.

I having placed my Mistress in a Private Chamber, went into the Stable, and soon removed the obstruction that hindred our horse from going, so that by the next morning he was well enough able to travel, I left him to the care of the Hostler, and went up to my Mistress, who expected me to supper, which I had ordered to be provided for us, and that being ready, I invited our Landlady to be a guest: though our Commons were but short, being only one Chicken, yet I made a long Grace, which according to our custome, might amount to a prayer; and I remember that among other matters, I prayed that our horse might be so well recovered, as that he might be able to carry us next day to London: our Landlady soon understanding what kind of Guests she had, believing that she should get little by our Company, was desirous of leaving it, which she did, by pretending business, and so we had the whole Chicken left us for our own eating, we hardly made or left any bones of it, so hungry we were. Supper being ended, we went to the fire, and I designing my business, call’d for a Quart of Claret, which we burn’d, sweetned, and drank off; and by this time my Mistress was so sweet upon me, that we talked very familiarly and pleasantly, and oftentimes I interlaced our Discourses with kisses and amorous sighs, to which I was welcomed, and many times invited; I then called for another Quart of Wine, which we likewise drank off; and then I found my Mistress was very full of the Creature, so that she drew neer to the bed, and at length cast her self thereon; I was not long after her, but lay down likewise, and first beginning with embraces and kisses, in a little time I gained possession of all my endeavors she lying as fast asleep all the while; but when I had done, and was again laid by her, she started up, and seemed to be very angry with me; but I supposing that it was because I had so soon done, catched hold of her, and attempted to be at her again; but in vain did I endeavour it, for she then began to be angry, reproaching me with dishonesty, and using many canting terms, which I omit: I told her, what was done could not be undone, and therefore comforted her, and told her all should be well by our sudden Marriage: thus did I appease her, and we soon agreed upon every thing; so that though I was appointed another Chamber, which I pretended to lodge in, yet I lay all night with her. The next morning we arose betime; and mounting our horse, who was now well enough, we soon arrived at London, where for the present we parted. I having thus gained my ends of this woman, having part of her Estate in my possession, and by the enjoyment of her person having the command of the rest, was resolved only to abuse her; strip her of what she had, and so leave her: for I found no such sweetness in my nights lodging with her, but what I might expect from another; having before that tasted woman in the enjoyment of two or three of our Sisters, which passages I omit, and tell this to acquaint you how this woman undid herself by her Covetousness, for had she not distrusted me with her money, I should have married her, but now my minde was otherwise bent.

I received my Goods, and now my stock being much encreased by this fifty pound, and the profit of my bargain; I paid the Seaman, and proceeded in Trading: and though I had little skill in forreign Commodities yet I ventured at all, neither did I want Money, for instead of paying back the fifty pound to my Mistress, I soon after had 100l. more, and yet she could not perswade me to marriage, I still pretending multiplicity of business: at length, all her portion, being 400l. got into my hands, I only paid her with a nights lodging, which now and then we had together; but as to marriage, I still pretended one reason or other to defer it.

I not only proceeded in my Merchandizing, but continued in my preaching at our usual Conventicles, where I was become very famous, and a great disputant; but at length I finding there was little to be gotten by them (and my principle being always to gain what I could) I became now almost weary of them, and willing to leave that Congregation for another that courted me, but I was resolved ere I left them to make some use of them, and get somewhat of them. I thus laid my Plot: I gave a bond to a Confederate for 100l, pretending that I owed so much to him; I gave out, that I would on such a day not only preach to my Congregation, but also Dispute with any opposer on several Articles. The time being come, I had a full Auditory, and performed my Preachment and Disputation to the general satisfaction of all? and then appointed that the next day I would hold forth some other points, that had not as yet been disputed of, inviting all the Congregation, and all others that would come, to meet me in a larger room then that was wherein we exercised at present. Thus having finished my Discourse I dismissed my Auditors; but I was no sooner out of the house, but I was seized on by a bailiff, in Execution for 200l. for my Confederate who had the bond, had brought it to Judgment: I was then accompanied by two or three of my Congregation, who much wondring at the business, desired the Bailiff to have patience, and go into the next House, which we did; and the Case being opened, I confessed the Debt, withal alleadging that I was not at present able to pay it, having lately ventured most of my Estate to Sea. Those of my Congregation hearing this (and being much grieved that their Pastor should be thus snatch’d from them, especially when he had deserved so well) sent for some more of their brethren, who were monied men; and so among them they paid the debt, and I was discharged: but soon after this, I left them, and they were forced to make a Collection or gathering among themselves to reimburse themselves their moneys; and my Mistress, who had been all this while delayed by me with fair words, made her complaints to the brethren, but to no purpose, for she received no redress or satisfaction, I having now quite left them and their faction for another, where by reason of my ability in preaching, I was entertained, and an accord made between me and my quondam Mistress, I only giving her back fifty pound of her four hundred; we being now absolutely parted from one another, she receiving no other satisfaction of me, either for her many nights lodging or money, then fifty pound, which she willingly received, believing me to be a beggar; my new Congregation voluntarily raising that money for me for that purpose.

Thus was I quit of her, and had gained five hundred pound in my pocket, only under the cloak of Religion; and having such success, I in short time discovered my self to be rich, by buying many bargains of good value, paying ready mony, and raised my self to so high a reputation, that I won a widdow of an indifferent fortune to be my wife, and so settled my self in the World.

As for my preaching-trade, I finding that it had already done me as much service as I expected from it, I left it, for I had now a wife and money, and for that end, and to get them, I took it up, and being provided with both, I left it, but especially finding that it grew every day into disesteem, it being about the time of his Majesties happy Return; when instead of a preaching Fanatick; I quickly faced about, and leaving my congregational friends, I enquired out, and procured Cavalier acquaintance, so that I (who a little before the Kings coming home, was used to wear short Hair, and was modest and precise in my habit) had now a large Perriwig, a great Plume of Feathers, and all other accoutrements accordingly, being still diligent on all occasions to associate my self with the Captain and chief Officers of the Trained Bands of our Company, into whose acquaintance and Society I soon insinuated my self, by my Gallantry in my habit, and expences in Taverns being conformable.

Thus did I become a Gentleman, and from a Precisian a Prodigal, nay, an Antick, and every thing, what not? that I might please all: for instead of a Prayer-book, or some other Fanatical piece of divinity, I now carried in my pocket, either Cards or Dice, and so great a love I had to Hocus Pocus, that all their Tools, viz., Box of Counters, Balls, Cups, and other Trinkets which are made use of in that mysterious function, were all my Companions: having learned confidence when I was a Preacher, I was now the better emboldned to stare my Spectators in the face, while I cunningly enough performed my feats of activity; and such a readiness I had, that I was accounted an able proficient. I spent so much time in these fooleries, that I almost lost my self; and now having a wife and family to maintain, I found my Estate so far to decrease, that I was forced to look after my business, and fall to Merchandizing: but having lost a considerable part of my Estate which I had adventured at Sea, I was resolved, as I said, to trust no more to that Element, and not to let my Estate go out of my sight; wherefore I still as shipping came in, went on board, either in the Downs, Portsmouth, or Plymouth, and there buying good bargains, which the Seamen, newly come home would afford for ready Money, I began to prick up again, and have Money at command; I then bought me a small Pinnace or small Pleasure boat; and with that went on board of Ships, bought Goods, and made a shift to stow as much on board privately, that I saved much by the customes and other duties. This Trade I drove a long time, gaining much by stealing Duties; neither did I care what Goods I dealt in, having Customers of all sorts and Trades, who knowing that I drave this Trade, employed me to buy for them, agreeing the prizes before hand: but I was snap’d one time, and all my goods seized for not paying duties, and an Information put into the Exchequer against me: I finding that it would be but a folly to contend there, agreed with the Informer, and he suffered me to cast him; so that I got off for a sum of money, but I gained much experience thereby, so that I then began a new Trade, and would engage many of my Friends to go and buy Goods on board of Ships, and if they got them clear from the Ships-sides it was enough, for I would come immediately in another Boat, as if a stranger, and seize the Goods as forfeited for want of the payment of duties, and so secure them from any other seizure; and if any other person came to seize them, I then pretended it to be my business, having made the first seizure, but if we were not met with by another, then we passed clear without any more trouble: nay, so bold and confident was I grown in this kind of Trade, called Smuckling, that I have had fifty and an hundred pound at a time given me to go over into Holland or France in a Ship which hath brought much prohibited goods, which I have seized so soon as we came near any Port of England, to prevent any other seizure; and then putting an information into the Exchequer, have suffered costs against me, and all hath been clear. I gained not only much money by this means, but also the esteem of a cunning subtile fellow, and was employed in many such affairs, and sometimes in Law-suits.

I remember once I came into Company with a very fair Lady, who having an old cross-grain’d fellow to her Husband, had not only lived from him for some time, but was so foolish as to be married to another person, who was a Gentleman of much worth and merit. The Ladies old Husband (understanding thus much and more out of Covetousness of gaining money, which he believed the Gentleman would on this occasion part from, then any love he bore his Wife) hunted them out from one place to another, and the young Gentleman refusing to comply with the old Knights desires, he was resolved now to prosecute her for Life.

This Story was told me by the Gentleman himself, and the Lady assured me of the truth of the matter, imploring my assistance: Well, Madam, said I, come, be ruled by me, and I will disappoint your old Husband, and you shall laugh at him. Having considered the matter, I ordered her to go next day into the Country, above 100 miles from London, and there to expect me, and obey my further orders, this she did; and I soon following her, and the Assizes beginning the next day, I got a Warrant to apprehend and bring her before the bench, she came, and I charged her with having two Husbands, she denying, and I alledging the matter, she was committed, and an Indictment brought in; but when she was to be try’d, I was not to be found, nor any person else to prosecute her: so that she was quit by proclamation. A Copy of this Process I took out of the Court, and so she and I came to London, to the Gentleman her friend, who gladly welcomed us, and now they live together in spight of the old Knight, who attempting to trouble them, found it in vain, for she could not be tryed for one fact twice.

This feat did I, meerly out of my own apprehension and fancy, and it succeeding according to my wishes, and I had a considerable reward for my pains.