The Relater with the Scrivener and Bookseller and their Wenches being merry in a Tavern, fall out with other Company, and are sent by an Alderman to the Counter. The Relater in revenge cheats the Alderman of his Scarlet Gown, which is converted into Petticoats for the three Wenches.

I having thus gained an intimate acquaintance with all these my Brother-Clubbers, did set forth my own good parts; and they having been open with me in the discovery of their manner of living, and how they furnished themselves with money even to superfluity, I was as free to them in relating many actions of my forepassed life; by which means they found me the more fit for their society: and I having passed through variety of conditions, as having been of several Trades, and informing them of several mysterious Cheats which I had performed in them, they all took a very great liking to me; but there was none whom I so much affected as the Scrivener and Bookseller, because I found them the best stored with money; and I often accompanied them to their Wenches, where we had extraordinary Treatments, and such Company as exceeded all the rest; for I had my lass as well as they; and though I paid nothing of the reckoning, yet my Wench was often as well provided for as theirs; for I furnished her with Cloaths equal to any of them, and then the less money served the turn. We three being one night at a Tavern with our Wenches, where we passed a Winters evening in their pleasing society, our spirits being raised with wine, and the harmony of Musick joyned to our Ladies voyces, in which they all three were very excellent; It happened that their harmony begot a desire in the people in the next Room to be attentive to our Musick: the Scrivener desiring his Lady to sing a particular new Song alone, she consented thereunto, and performed it very well, with good applause: one person in the next room, who had given attention thereto, and had lately been in company with the Singer, knowing her Voyce, was resolved by one means or other to see and drink with her; and thereupon leaving his Company, he came into our Room, and civilly asking leave, saluted the Ladies, and took acquaintance with the Scriveners Mistress: she being somewhat displeased thereat, in short time took occasion to tell her friend the Scrivener that she was much troubled at this accident, and desired his favourable interpretation of this action, for she assured him, she only knew this person as a retainer to the house where she lodged, he coming to another Lady there, and not to her; and withal she desired him, if he thought fit, to affront and chastise him for this his unmannerly intrusion. Her friend the Scrivener being thus informed by his Lady, called me and the Bookseller on one side, and acquainted us with the matter; so that we suddenly resolved to rid ourselves of this bold intruder: when we returned to the fire where we left our unwelcome guest and the women, we found him toying with them, and a little more bold then either they or we were willing to permit and allow of; wherefore we gave him some angry words, which he being a bluff fellow retorted, and we striving to force him out of the Room, he single as he was set upon us all, to the great affrightment of the Women, who now beginning to squeak out, our noise occasioned the rest of our guests Companions who were in the next Room to come into ours, and there seeing their Friend set on by us three, which indeed being odds, they fell on us to his assistance: many blows were not enterchanged, before the Master of the house and others (being called by the noise we made, and the clamours of the women) entred the Room; but all they could do, could not part us, so eager we were in defending, as we thought, the honour of our Ladies; so that the Constable was sent for, and we all seized on; but refusing to be obedient, he forthwith caused us to be conducted to the Justices, who was an Alderman that lived not far off; we being brought before his Worship, being as yet hot as well with Wine as anger, could not agree in our story, nor the occasion of our quarrel; but glad we were when we saw that our Ladies had slipt away, as indeed it was but time (for had they gone with us, I doubt Bridewel would have been their lodging, and they should have had rapping cheer.) They having thus made their escapes who were the cause of our difference, and we every one contradicting each other in our Discourses, the Alderman made no more ado, but sent us all to the Counter, both Plaintiffs and Defendants: by such time as we were well settled in our Quarters, and had paid our Garnishes, we all considering the matter, and at length conversing with our Adversaries, put our quarrelsome business in a fair way to be ended; for the occasion being a Whore, we all agreed upon one tale to tell the Alderman next morning; when being brought before him, and he finding then no difference between us, supposing that it was only a drunken quarrel, was at length perswaded to release us; but before we went, he forced us to pay our fees, and likewise some money to the poor for being drunk; all which we made a shift to do, by borrowing of one another, and so we were discharged.

Thus was this business overpassed: but though we made a shift to hide it from our Masters, pretending some of our wonted excuses, yet the rest of the Brethren of the Club were acquainted with it, and we were soundly laught at, and our Wenches applauded for their wit in making their timely escape, or else it would have fared worse with us as well as them, and our business must have come to our Masters ears.

This disgrace stuck upon us a great while, for our Companions would often ask us, when we would go and visit Master Alderman again: wherefore I bethought my self of a trick how to be revenged of the Alderman, and thereby cause the Discourse to cease: I often going by the Aldermans house, saw him standing at his door, and he had a common custome every afternoon to stand or sit there three or four hours together. I waiting my opportunity, went to the Alderman, and asked if his Maid-servant was within: which of them, said he, Nan or Suzan? Suzan, quoth I: yes, said the Alderman, What is your business with her? May it please your Worship, said I, I was sent hither to take measure of her for some new cloaths: What then thou art a Taylor, said he; I replied, yes, and so he sent me in. I being acquainted with the Maids name (and seeing the Alderman engaged at the door, still talking with another person) asked for Suzan: when she came to me, I told her, that her Master sent me in to her, and wished me to ask for his Skarlet Gown, to mend it against a feasting-day then approaching: she knowing her Master was at the door, and beleeving my story, went for it (I in the mean time watching whether the Alderman still continued at the door, for if I had seen him comming in, I would have made my excuses and depart) but as good luck would have it, the Maid came and gave me the Gown, and went about her other business; I wrapping it up under my cloak, went again to the door where Master Alderman was sitting, who asked me, whether I had taken measure of his Maid; I told him, yes: What already? said he. Yes, and please your Worship: then thou hast made haste, said he; make her Clothes handsome, she’s a good Wench, and make haste with them too, and let me see that you work well, and thou mayst do some work for me, and in time thou mayst have good of the Wench. I (being troubled with Master Aldermans large discourse) only replied, I shall, if it please your Worship; and so left him, and went my ways to the next Alehouse, where I applauded my self for my so happy contrivance, and safe deliverance from Master Aldermans impertinences.

After a little stay in this Alehouse, and night coming on, I being thus fraughted with this rich Cargo, sailed to the Tavern where we used to meet, and the Gown being wrapt up in a cloth, I delivered to the Drawer to lay up, and went up into a Room, where calling for a faggot and pint of Wine, I had not staid long ere some of our Club came, and in short time all the rest; we fell to merry-making, and in our jollity some of our Company nosed us with Master Alderman: well, said I, I suppose that jobb might cost us twenty shillings a piece, and though Master Alderman might put the most part of it into his pocket; yet how say you, if I can propound a way how to be revenged on him? My two Companions, the Scrivener and the Bookseller, told me, if I could do it, they would give me twenty shillings a piece; a match, said I, I’le be judg’d by the Company: and thereupon I told them the story, and how I had cheated Master Alderman of his Skarlet-Gown; and to make good my word, caused it to be brought up, and shew’d before them: very well pleased was the Scrivener and Bookseller, and all the rest amazed at the boldness of my adventure, which was by all applauded for a great piece of wit, and my money was by them accordingly paid me; then after a cup or two of Wine, consideration was had, what should be done with the Gown, and how it should be disposed of, for we all knew it was hazardous and dangerous to dispose of it as it was: so after many propositions and consultations, it was at length generally agreed on, that I should cut it in pieces, and out of Master Aldermans Gown I should make three Petticoats, which should be bestowed on our three Madonas; and this adjudged very fit and equitable, that they having endured part of the brunt, should receive the whole prize: this I assented to; and the Scrivener and Bookseller, in regard the Gown was mine, gave me each of them twenty shillings a piece more, for their share of the cloath; and also they between them furnisht me with a rich gold and silver Lace, to be put upon my Ladies Petticoat, equal and alike to that which was put on theirs: and this was an end of the adventure with Master Alderman, of whom we never enquired how he and his maid Suzan agreed about the Gown.