The abuses of Nurses, and keepers of sick people, his Master dyeth, the knavery of his Executor both in his trade and office: he lives with a Locksmith, the knavery of that trade.

I was the less grieved for the death of my father, knowing, if he had lived, he would have brought me to the Gallows, for he would have been always in want, and urging me to supply him, which I could not do any other wayes than by theft; but that now he was dead I resolved quite to give over the practice of it, for fear in the end, it should bring me to look through a hempen casement. And now I bent all my endeavours to please my Master, knowing I had few friends to rely upon; I was up with the first, and down with the last, and refused no work I was set unto, and I found the benefit of my diligence at last, for it pleased God to visit our family with the Pestilence, which in a weeks space, swept away all the whole Houshold but my Master and I. In this weeks time I observed the abuses and cheats of Nurses and Keepers, such who look to people who are visited with the sickness. Two of these Jades we had in our house, who when my mistris lay distracted with the distemper, took away her keys, and ransackt her Trunks, from whence they took a purse full of money, most of it gold, which she had gathered unknown to my Master, intending to keep it for her further need, (or as we say) against a rainy day. Thus these Jades convey’d away together with a great deal of the best linnen in the house, which was done by the help of the watch-man that guarded the door, who was son-in-law to one of the Queans, and now that my Master might not discover their theft, they sent her of an errant to her long home, by giving her drinks and other slops, quite contrary to what the Physicians prescribed, by the same way they dispatch’d the maid, and the Prentices, with a little Girle, the only Child my Master had; and now was none remaining but my Master and I, whom they intended should have followed after the rest, then they might have plundered without controul; but I seeing how soon my fellows were gone, and observing that they all dy’d presently after they had received any of their slops, would have nothing to do with them, perswading my Master to do the like, affirming it even before their faces, that they were the persons that had kill’d my Mistriss and the rest, and would if let alone, make a hand of us too. But these impudent Jades hearing me begin to discover their villanies, would have perswaded my Master that I was also infected, and that it had already taken my brain, which caused me to talk so idly, and so began to seize upon me, intending to have ty’d me into a bed, which if they had done I should never have come out of it alive, but my Master interposing bid them let me alone, for he himself was of the same mind with me. These bold Queans hearing him say so, one of them flew at him; you old dotard said she, do you begin to talke idely too, we must tame you yfaith, & so attempted to pull him down, whilst the other was as busie with me: my Master and I strugling with them what we could: but perceiving them to be too hard for us (for they were two stout Mastiff Queans) we got to the window and cryed as loud as we could, and thereby gathered a great many people together to know what was the matter, to whom we related the great danger we were in of being murdered by the two women that were with us, desiring by all means, that we might be rid of them, they being the greatest plague we were infected withal at the present, and whom we dreaded as much as death it self; Amongst others that came (alarm’d by this outcry) was a Shoomaker that lived not far off who was near of kin to my Master, and thought himself no mean fellow, he being at that time Overseer of the poor, this man kept a great bustle, commanding the door to be broken open, which being done with as much imperiousness as a Countrey Justice domineers over a hedge-breaker, he commands the two women to depart out of the house, which they (being conscious of a self guilt) accordingly did, to the no little joy of my Master and me, who fear’d we should have perished under their merciless hands.

Being rid of these two Harpyes, I was more than double diligent towards my Master, well hopeing that Death with his beesom would sweep him away also, which I judged the rather could come to pass, because the thred of his life was spun out to a far greater length than mine, not at all considering, that the Pestilence makes no difference betwixt age and youth; or if it doth, sooner seizes upon youth than age, as having more matter to work upon. But I was so confident that my Master would die, and that I should live, that I would rather perform all offices towards him, than to admit of a partner to plunder the House with me when he was dead. But three dayes being passed, and no alteration at all appearing in him, I began then to alter my opinion, and feared he would escape and not have it at all; and therefore I began to cast my wits about, and consider with my self, what I had best to do; now I knew conceit would do much with him, and therefore I first begun to tell him, that he looked very ill all of a sudden, asking if he felt no alteration in his body? which at first he said, no; but afterwards upon my perswasions that he must needs be sick, he soon grew conceited that he was so indeed, in so much, that at last I told him, that he had the perfect symptoms of a dying man upon him; those words struck him to the very heart, that without further delay he went to the window, called for a Porter, and sent him for a Shoomaker I spake of before, to come to him presently, and bring a Scrivener along with him. I asked him what he would do with a Scrivener? but when he told me it was to make his will, I was ready to swound, fearing he would take an inventory of his goods also, and so hinder my pelfering when he was dead, for I was now fully minded to theive from him what I could, notwithstanding my resolution but a little before to leave it off, I feared to be known for stealing the silver bowl: so hard it is for those that are principled in wickedness, to leave off that vice they have been accustomed unto; however I praised him for his care therein, that he would settle his mind as to outward affairs, they might be no hindrance to his more pious thoughts, which now should be bent altogether to Heaven-wards.

Scarce had I made an end of praising his good intentions, but that the Shoomaker and the Scrivener were come, to whom out of the window, he declared his mind for the disposing of his estate. First, he commended his Soul unto Heaven, and his Body to Earth, which I wished had been racked up in it before the Scrivener came. Next (said he) for the good and faithful service he hath done me, I bequeath to my Boy Gregory (for that is my name) the sum of twenty pounds, whereof ten pound to be bestowed on him in Schooling,the other ten pound to buy him Cloathes, and put him out to Apprentice to some Handy-craft Trade. I hearing my Master to say this, could not but reflect upon my monstrous ingratitude that I should go to kill him that was so kind to me, and had so much care for my future livelihood; but covetousness cancels all obligations, and therefore is well termed the Spring head of all ungodliness. Next (said he) I bequeath to the poor of the Parish wherein I live, the sum of five pounds, three pound thereof to be laid out on Cloaths for them, to make them apparel, and bestowed on such as my Executor shall see most needful; and the other forty shillings to be laid out in bread for them, and to be distributed the next four Sundayes after my decease, each Sunday alike till it be out. The rest of his estate he gave unto the Shoomaker. whom he made his full and sole Executor, giving him a great charge to be careful of me, and so having subscribed and sealed it, he betook him to his bed, as prepared to die; and free leave he had to go both of me and the Shoomaker also.

To hasten him on the more, I perswaded him to sweat, which he was willing to do; so I covered him with as many Clothes as he was able to bear, and being in a violent sweat, he called for some strong waters; whereupon I went to the Pump and filled him a pint of such sober liquor as that yielded, and brought it to him; which having tasted, he asked me what I had brought him? I told him it was excellent good white anny-seed, he said, it tasted like fair water; I told him, that was only the badness of his Pallet which could not distinguish any thing; truly (said he) it tasteth so small, that I think you may leave the word anny seed out, and call it only white-water. Yet notwithstanding this he found such fault, his parching thirst caused him to drink it all off, which gave such a sudden chill to his blood, that what with that and some other slops that I gave him, in three days time he turned up his heels and dyed.

No sooner was his breath out of his body, but I began to put in execution what before I had intended; and first I examined his pockets, wherein I found the sum of fourteen shillings and nine pence; eleven shillings whereof I took, leaving some, that I might not be suspected to have taken any, but this was nothing to what I thought to find in his Trunck, which I opened with an expectation to have mine eyes blest with the sight of store of white and yellow pieces, but the clouds dropped no such rain, the Trunk courted not me as Jupiter did Diana with a golden showre; some plate was in it, some Bonds and other writings, but no money. This was a shrew’d cooling card to my high hopes, which promised me Mountains, and performed not mole-hills; for as for the plate the Executor knew of each piece in the house, and Bills and Bonds signified no more to me, than meat to an hungry man which he might see but not come at; wherefore seeing it would be no better, I armed my self with patience, considering I had not lost by his death, he having given me twenty pound for the bringing me up to some learning and putting me out Apprentice, by which I hoped to be sufficiently able to live in the World; and therefore having secured the eleven shillings in the Coller of my doublet (mistrusting my pockets might be searched) I called for a messenger, and sent the Executor word of his death, not bidding him to have a care of frighting him in the delivery of his message, for I did not think the sudden news of his death would make him to break his heart with sorrow, there was less fear in that, than of a Usurer undoing a young Heir, when he once gets him into bonds. He having received the news, made no long tarriance before he came to me, bringing a couple of old women along with him to search the dead corps, that an account might be given what he dyed of, which is a thing that (you know) is usual. But before I proceed any further (having occasion here to speak of these searchers) give me leave to mention some abuses and cheats which I have observed to be practised by them.

They are indeed very necessary, especially in great Cities, that an account may be given of what diseases people die of, and that men may not have their lives shortned by violence, which appearing after their deaths, may be by them discovered; but these women have their Cheats too, for notwithstanding they are sworn to give a true information to the Parish Clarks, yet money can so blind their eyes, that if a man be poysoned, they can bring it in that he died of the French-Pox; and though a house be visited with the sickness, yet if the Master thereof be unwilling to be shut up for loosing his trading, if he do but greaze them in the fist with some money, they will make the Pestilence to be surfeit, and the spotted feaver (which is little inferiour to the Plague) the Swine-pox, and sometimes the Meazles; nay once I know two of these Searchers that for money brought it in that the party who had the spotted feaver, dyed of nothing else but the tooth-ach: Thus you see that it is an undeniable maxime, that there is Knavery in all trades, people being now grown so villanous in their practises, that they make the very dead to be accessary to their Cheats.

But to return to my story: The Shoomaker standing in the street, whilest the women came in, called to me, and bid me, if any of the Truncks were open, to lock them up, and throw the keys down to him; which I accordingly did, the fear of loosing his Mammon making him to dispence with any danger that might accrew to him by taking the keys. That night was my old Master buried, and a fortnight after (the Bedding and Cloathes being aired in the mean time, and I continuing sound) I was removed to his house, where I took special notice of his great care in performing my Masters will, and first for the three pounds that was given to buy the poor Cloathes, he bestowed the same on two suits for his own Boys, proving it to be the will of the dead it should be so; for (said he) they are poor who are in want, and his sons wanting Clothes, therefore they were to be reckoned in the number of the poor, and policy bids us this, always to provide for our own poor first. Then for the bread he ordered with the Baker so, that for every ten dozen, he would have a twelve penny loaf and yet were they made fifteen to the dozen, which over-plus above twelve he also took to himself, so that the penny loaves shrunk to the bigness of half penny ones, and only for the name there was no difference. I seeing how he had dealt by the poor, thought with my self that my Legacy would shrink also like Northern Cloath in the wetting, and my twenty pound, come to twenty shillings; but whilst I had cause for my self, I would not complain of his dealing by others, and therefore expected the event with patience.

Soon after I was set to School with a fellow that went in black Cloathes, and therefore taken for a man of learning because so habited; this man and his Schollars were both of one mind, for he cared not how little he taught them for their money, and they cared not how little they learned for it; but I who had no friends to rely on for bestowing any thing upon me afterwards, resolved not to neglect opportunity, but to gain what learning I could, thinking it might stand me in great stead another day, and therefore I so plyed my book, that in a short time I could read English very perfectly, and had some skill in writing and casting accounts.

During this time that I went to School, I plyed not my book so altogether, but that I observed some practices of the Shoomaker, both in his trade and in his office; and first for his trade, I saw he used two sorts of leather, one whereof was called mens leather, which was strong, fast, and would last well; the other he called womans leather, which was not half tanned, and would scarce last ten miles going; this last sort of leather (because it was cheap) he used most, especially in womens shooes, and the inner soals of mens: and sometimes I observed that if the inner soals were too little, he would slit them in the middle to make them appear on both sides, and at other times with his teeth he would stretch his leather, as for gain he would stretch his Conscience. Then for his office, for the bread that was given to the poor at the Church on Sundayes, he had a weekly fee from the Baker for his custom; and for other gifts that were to be distributed (as there was some Quarterly) that poor man that received them, must either do a dayes work gratis for him, or else present him with some gift worth half of what he was to receive, or else he was sure to go without it; so that in respect of his office, these verses of Withers were very applicable unto him,

But before I had been at School long, my Guardian told me, the ten pound was out for my board (for I paid a Roast-meat price for my diet, although I fed most commonly on bread and cheese) and therefore I must prepare to go to Prentice; I thought it was in vain to contend with him, and therefore bid him provide me a Master as soon as he would, for I was willing I told him to go. He quickly heard of one (for bad Masters are as easie to be found as bad servants) one that was a true Bacchanalian, a Son of Vulcan, by profession a Lock-smith, what the Executor was to give with me I know not, but thither I went some few dayes upon liking; and indeed it was but a few dayes I was there in all, for there was found Knavery in that Trade as well as others. My new Master had belike driven an old trade with pick-pockets, house-breakers, and such kinde of people whom he furnished with store of pick-locks, and instruments to break open Shop-doors and windows; he also drave a great trade with thievish Prentices, for false keys for their Masters counting-houses and Truncks, they bringing him the print of them either in Wax or Clay, with some of which he was sharers in their purchase. He had also his Emissaries abroad, which would steal Iron bars from Cellar-windows, and sometimes fetch a short jaunt into the Countrey, and steal the Coulters and Shares from the Ploughs, as also hooks and hinges from Gates, which he bought for a small price, and used to work them out in the night for fear of discovery, yet all would not do, wicked actions have bad endings; one of these Prentices who had made use of him, and thereby much wronged his Master, spending that money riotously which he had got naughtily, his excess brought him to a surfeit that occasioned his end, when upon his death-bed, reflecting on his former vitious practises, he detected my Master, who was thereupon apprehended and carried before a Justice of the Peace, that sent him to Newgate; how he sped I know not, but if he had his deserts, I am sure he could not scape hanging.