The cheats of Cookes, a story of the Spirit in the Buttery, he steals a silver Bowl, the Cozenages of Astrologers; the death of his Father being killed in a drunken brangling.

Long I was not without a Master, being entertayned into a Cooks service, of which I rejoyced not a little, being in good hope however the world went, that I should not be starved in a Cookes shop, one extraordinary priviledge I had by living in this service; for if the old proverb be true, that the nearer the bone, the sweeter the flesh, then I always ate of the sweetest, my diet being to pick the bones that came off of Gentlemens Tables. During the time that I lived here, although I had been a young wench, I should not needed to have feared being troubled with the Green-sickness, running up and down stairs so many score times in a day would have cured me of that malady; those who had seen my nimbleness would have absolutely judged that my shooes were made of cork, I was as light heel’d as she who hath made her Husband Cuckold seven and twenty times over. My Master drave a great trade, not onely in boil’d meat and roast meat, but also in baking small pies, which the women cryed up and down the streets for him. Every Friday I observed we had brought in a Porters basket full or two of pieces of raw meat, which though me thought they smelt very unsavory, yet were they made use of, some minced, others pepper’d and salted, and put into pies, ere the week went about they all marcht off, I wondered for a great while from whence this meat came, at last I was informed by one of the Prentices, that it was such pieces as were cut off of the stinking raw hides, that were brought into Leaden-hall to sell there on Fridays; bless me thought I, what deceit is here! then did I think on the old Proverb, that the blind eats many a fly. No marvel that sicknesses are so rife, since such unwholsome food must needs introduce them. Now because those pieces of meat were lean and dry, they used to mix with them such fat pieces of meat as Gentlemen left, adding thereto some dripping, and such like stuff, which altogether made a gallant hodg-podg for hungry stomacks.

To roast meat twice over is so commonly now used amongst most Cooks, that I think I shall not need to mention this as a rarity in my Master; and yet would not that, nor what I mentioned before, nor his buying of Carrion, such meat as would have dyed alone had it not been killed, being diseased or maimed, and selling it for good; all this (I say) would not do, notwithstanding all his great pains, but still he went backwards in the world; which puts me in mind of a story that I have heard some while ago, concerning an evil spirit that haunts the houses of such persons who use unconscionable wayes whereby to grow rich, which though it be nothing as concerning my life, yet I think it not amiss to relate the same, as being not altogether impertinent to our purpose.

In the City of Bristol (a place which may compare with the choicest of England for the fairness of the buildings, and richness of trading) within the memory of our Fathers, there lived a young man named Francisco, who although prentice to a Baker, yet when his time came out, set up the trade of a Cook. This young man was very desirous to gain a great estate quickly, and so impatient he was of being rich on a sudden, that he resolved to leave no means unattempted which should lye in his way whereby he might effect his desire, for so he might gain, he stood not upon what means whereby he might doe it; bad infected meat he sold for good, nickt his Canns, froatht his Jugs, scored up two flaggons for one, yea what not? but all his endeavours arrived not to that height which he expected, for notwithstanding he went forward in trading, doe what he could he went backwards in thriving. This Francisco had a Priest to his Uncle, that lived about some twenty miles off him, who had bestowed some small matter on him when his time came out whereby to set him up, and two years being now expired, he repaired to his Nephew to see how fortune had favor’d him, and whether he had made any improvement of that little he had given him. The Nephew entertained him kindly, and feasted him royally, but when his Uncle asked him how the world went with him, he could not chuse but sigh, telling him what endeavours he had used whereby to encrease his estate, but that all proved fruitless. Ah Cozen (said the old man) come along with me, and I will show you the thief that steals away all your gains, and thereupon taking him by the hand he lead him into the Cellar, where when they were come, they beheld a big fellow with a paunch like a tun, his eyes strutting out with fatness, his thighes like to mill-posts, so unweildy that he could hardly go; there they saw him gurmandizing on the cold meat that was left, devouring more in a minute then six hungry plough-men could doe in half an hour; after he had so eaten, he takes a flaggon in his hand, and of the best beer, swallows down five or six of them full one after another, which being done he vanisht away; this Cousin (said the Priest) is the Spirit of the Buttery, who so long as you use unconscionable wayes by cheating of people, hath power over what you have, which he will so invisibly devour, that do what you can for the gaining of an estate, it is but all in vain; and therefore if you intend to thrive, you must take a clean contrary course to what you have done, and by dealing honestly, there is no question but a blessing will follow upon your endeavours.

The young man promised very faithfully to do according to his Uncles directions, who thereupon returned home again: accordingly when his Uncle was gone, he began to work a thorow reformation, bought of the best meat, sold good pennyworths, filled his flaggons, scored right, and dealt justly in all his acting, doing this, he quickly begins to thrive in the world, grows rich, purchases house and land, and hath a great stock by him besides; in so much that his wealth being taken notice of, he was soon after chosen one of the Aldermen of the City. His Uncle afterwards comes again to visit him, to whom he relates his change of condition, and how God had blessed him with a plentifull estate. Now Cousin (said the old Priest) let us again visit your Cellar; when they came there, they beheld a thin, lean, meager fac’d fellow, one that seemed more like an Anatomy than a man; his ribs appeared through his cloaths, his eyes were sunck into his head, his cheeks look’d like to shriveld parchment, and his legs (which were no bigger than cat-sticks that boys use at trap-ball) were so weak as would hardly support his body. He went to a platter of cold meat, but had not strength enough to lift it up to his head; afterwards he assayed to draw some beer, but could not pull the tap out of the fasset, so that seeing his endeavours were in vain, with a deep sigh he vanisht away. Now Nephew (said the old Priest) you may plainly perceive what it was that hinder’d you from thriving before and therefore now since you are thoroughly instructed whereby to be rich, I shall take my leave of you, wishing with all my heart that all of your profession would leave off their cheating and couzening tricks, and take the same course of life whereby to thrive as you have done.

Now, said he, what think you of this discourse? is this quiet besides the matter or no? in truth (quoth I), I think it is very pertinent to the purpose, and I wish all tradesmen would follow the example, for when they have done all they can, they will finde in the end that honesty is the best policy, and to deal justly the high-way to grow rich: the best bed-fellow to sleep with is a good conscience, and well doing (were there no reward for it in the world to come) yet were it a sufficient recompence in it self. But leaving this discourse, as that which is rather to be wished for, than ascertained to be practised in this evil age of ours: let me entreat you to proceed on in the discourse of your life, as a thing which I much desire to hear.

That shall I gladly do, said he. Know then that after I had been at this Cooks some small space of time, my Father returned home from being a Soldier, in that voyage he was prest out as I told you of before; now though he did not go out full, he returned home more empty than he went out; without cloaths, and without money to buy any; and which was worst so pinched with hunger, that he looked like a scare-crow, or one newly risen from the dead. It grieved my heart to see him in this condition, but how to remedy it I did not know; some little money I had which was left of that I snipt in the Tapsters service, which I very freely bestowed upon him, but alas that was gone as soon almost as received, and I having no more to supply him, he asked me if we had no plate, that went about the house? I told him we had; then (said he) to furnish me, you must at such time as your house is full of Guests, upon their going away convey a silver bowl into a secure place, which you may afterwards deliver for me to one whom I will send for that purpose, for I will not come to your house my self, because there shall be no suspition of me; I promised him to do as he bid me, appointing him the time when he should send the man, which was the next day; accordingly he came and I deliver’d him a large silver bowl, which he carried cleverly away. At night when my Master came to lock up his plate, the best bowl was missing, which put all the house into disorder; my Master swore, my Mistress scolded, the Servants grumbled, but who to blame not any one could tell; onely the maid said she saw it in my hand that afternoon, for which I wisht her tongue in a cleft stick, but stoutly denyed that I had seen it that day: indeed my Master had a great conceit of my honesty or else her bawling might have discover’d me, for had they charg’d me with it strongly, I should not have had the impudence to have stood out in the denyal of it, having that within me which strongly checked me for doing it. But after some small inquisition about it, it was generally agreed that some of the Guests had stollen it away; then next was inquiry made what several companies we had that day, and which of them was the most to be suspected; but the more they thought, the worse they were satisfied, not one appearing more probable than another; wherefore it was agreed by a general consent, that the next morning the Maid and I should go to a cunning Astrologer about it, one who was cryed up for art to be little inferior to Fryer Bacon, for though he could not make a brazenhead to speak, yet he had such a brazen face of his own, as could out-face the Devil himself for lying.

I was not afraid to go, though I knew my own guilt, because I always judged that Art to be a meer cheat, and though they lay their nets very plausibly to take the people; yet they seldome catch any but owls and wood-cocks. Knocking at the door, Master Astrologer came out unto us, so wrapped up in his Purple Gown, that you could scarcely see e'r an honest limb of him; he had on his head a black cap with a white one under it, which was turned up some part over the black one, that it looked like a black Jack tipt with silver. After we had discovered our business unto him, he told us the price of his art was a shilling whether he found out the thief or no; we knew it was in vain for us to contend with him, and therefore we very freely gave it him, by which he perceived that the stars were very auspitious to him in that hour, or else (for ought I know) he might have gone without his mornings-draught. When he had received our money he very formally set himself down in a Chair, having a peice of white paper before him, and then taking a pen in his hand, he made thereon several Triangles and Quadrangles, with other Crotchets and Whimsies, which he called the twelve Houses. Jupiter said he being Lord of the Ascendent, signifies good luck for the gaining your Cup agen, did not Mars interpose with an evil aspect towards Mercury. Now Venus being on the fiery Trigon, denotes the party that had it lives either East or West; and Saturn being Retrograde, and in the Cusp of Taurus, it must needs be that it is hidden under ground either North or South. Then asked he us if there were not a red hair’d man there that day? we told him no, nor a black hair’d man neither said he? we still answer’d no; nor was there not (said he) a brown hair’d man there, with grey Cloaths, not very tall, nor very low? we told him yes; then asked he us if we knew him or no? we answered no. The Sun saith he being ill posited in the eleventh House, and Mercury in Trine with Virgo it was without all doubt a brown hair’d man that had your bowl. Then asked I him if it might not be a woman as well as a man? this put him something to his trumps; but when the Maid said that could not be, for there was never a strange woman there all that day, he grew bold and answer’d, no; for Venus said he being weak in reception with Gemini, and the Moon in her detriment, both Feminine Planets, does plainly tell that it was a man, and one betwixt forty and fifty years of age. Upon my life said the Maid, I saw the party that had it, he was a curld pated fellow, with a whitish Cloak and a sad coloured suit, about thirty years of age, he dined in the half Moon, and had six penny worth of roast beef to his dinner; but if ever I see the Rogue agen, ile teach him to steal bowls with a murrain to him. I could not chuse but laugh to my self at the wenches confidence, and the cheat of the Astrologer, and to think how poor silly people are cozened by these Jugling Artists, for no better term can I give them, as believing no truth at all in their prÆdictions; for let me ask them this question, whether the Stars do compel or only encline? if they say they compel, they speak little less than blasphemy, by ascribing too much to Nature, and derogating from the Deity. If they only encline, then what sure ground-work can there be for what they say, when their conjectures are but only probable? And for their Doctrine of nativities, that if a man be born under such a Planet, his destiny will be so and so, and he will come to such an end; we see oft-times that in a battel, a Canon bullet kills five or six at one instant, who no doubt were born under several Planets, and yet come all to one fate; or if they say it is possible so many might be born under one and the self same Planet and aspects; yet let me go further with them; we have known battels at Sea, when by an unhappy shot a Ship hath sunk in an instant, with six or seven hundred men in her, who have all been drowned in the deep. Will they say these were all born under one Planet? verily if they should so say, I should not believe them; therefore I may say of our Astrologers as Cato said of the Aruspices of Rome in his time, that he wondred how one of them could forbear to laugh, when he met with any of his fellows, to see how they deceived men, and made a great number of simple ones in the City. But I tire your patience with this digression, for I expect not my words will work any Reformation in them, seeing they may say with Demetrius in the Acts of the Apostles, that by this Craft they get their wealth.

To return therefore where we left, having taken leave of the Astrologer, away we went home agen, fraught with a Sackful of news to tell our Master. No sooner were we within doors, but the Maid set her clack agoing; Master (said she) the Cunning man hath told us exactly who it was that stole your bowl, he hath described him fully from top to toe, not so much as his very shoostrings but he told us of what colour they were of, his hat, his hair, his beard, his doublet, breaches, hose, not one thing that he omitted. I served the Rogue that stole it with Roast-beef my self, the Devil choak him with it, for I think silver will not; but if ever he comes here again, or that I meet him in the streets, ile serve him such a trick as shall make him wish he had never drank out of any thing in his life but a wooden dish. I said nothing all this while, and though I knew she lied most abominably in what the Astrologer said, yet I confirmed her speeches, hoping this would forever take away suspition from me of being culpable, only I thought with my self if that party she imagined to have it should come again to the House, what a coil she would make with him; but whether she forgot his Physiognomy, or that the man never came there agen, I never after that heard any more of the matter.

In the mean time my father had disposed of the purchased prize, bought him an old suit with some part of the mony, and ranted it in the ale-house with the rest of it, for what is thus gotten over the Devils back is for the most part spent under his belly. At last his sinful life had a Tragical conclusion, for one of his Comrades and he being fudling together, they chanced to fall out, and from words proceeded to blows, where my father recieved such a knock on his pate with a flaggon, that though it killed him not out-right, yet he survived not long after; making his end answerable to his life: for as he led a troublesome life all the dayes he lived, so he put the Parish to some trouble at his death, who were forced to be at the charge of burying him.