His Aunt and the maid joyn together, and by a blinde wager make him to be laughed and hooted at by the boyes; he is soundly revenged on them both for the same.

Never was Prentice more subject to a Master then my Aunt was to my Uncle, after the discovery of her leachery; his desires were commands, and those commands laws which were by her put in speedy execution, if he bid her go, she would run; doe that, it was no sooner said then done, but the greatest miracle of all was, that if she were never so busy in talking, yet if he said but peace, she would suddenly hold her tounge, which before used to be in perpetual motion, and was as hard to be stopped as a stream when it hath overflowne its banks, or the sails of a mill when the wind blows in its greatest violence, so that a serene sky seemed to have succeeded that storm that all things were pacified, and that my Uncle had contentedly put his horns in his pocket.

But though she carried fair weather in her countenance, she had storms of revenge in her heart towards me; for she did more than conjecture that it was I which had caused her all this mischief; and therefore since she durst not vend her spleen upon me her self, she used the help of her Maid, who brought the same to pass after this manner.

One evening (my uncle being abroad) whilest she, the maid and I were sitting alone by the fire, after some other discourse, the maid profer’d to lay a wager with me that I could not blindfolded with my tongue lick forth a six pence from betwixt her breasts, this I thought so easy a thing to do, that I willingly laid a shilling with her on the same, and presently accorded for to be blinded: which whilest she was doing, my Aunt (as it was before agreed) stepped forth of doors, and called in a Boy who was to act their design, as also some of the neighbours to be spectators of this my folly. Now in stead of the Maids brest, the Boyes Hose were put down, and his naked breech exposed to be the object for me to lick, which I greedily persued: but presently hearing a gigling, and senting a ranck smell, I soon desisted, as being very apprehensive what the matter was. But when I was unblinded, and beholding my shame before my eyes, I hung down my head and look't like a dog that had stole a pudding, much blaming my credulity, and bitterly cursing the great cause of that their jollity.

For a long time after I could not walk the streets, I was so laughed and hooted at by the Boyes, my Aunt and the Maid having spread the same abroad in every place, flesh and blood could not endure this, to see my enemies triumph in my shame, so that nothing now ran in my mind but revenge, the very thought of mischief was more sweet unto me than Muscadine and Eggs, and soon I thought upon a way for to do it. One of our neighbours who beared a little love to my Aunt, as she did to me, or loyalty to my Uncle, having a burning glass, I imparted my project unto him, who applauding my invention, willingly lent me the same; thus fitted with an instrument, I soon found out an opportunity to work my revenge. My Aunt being extreamly proud, used to wear Lawn Ruffs of a great value. One Sun-shiney day, sitting in the Shop a sowing with her back towards me, I took the burning-glass, and by attracting the Sun-beams set her Ruffs on a flame about her neck, which made her to shreik and bellow most hiddeously; whereupon I started up, and as if affrighted snatched up a payl of dirty water away from the Maid wherewith she was washing the Kitchin, and poured the same on my Aunts head; this though it made her to look like a Bawd that was newly alighted from the Cart wherein she had ridden for the sin of leachery, did she take as a great courtesie at my hands, having thereby extinguisht the fire wherein otherwise she might (she said) have perisht; not in the least judging it was I that did it, but imputing it as a just Judgment upon her for her intollerable pride, and vowing thereafter to be more humble in her carriage, and loving unto me.

Now though I thought I had plenary satisfaction for my abuse, of my Aunt, yet I resolved that the maid should in no case go scotfree, but that her disgrace should be equal to mine; Being thus resolved, I procur’d some Emmets Eggs by the help of a Countryman; the nature of which are, that being taken, in broth posset, ale, or the like, they will set the parties on farting, as if they would break their very twatling strings therewith. The very next day after I had gotten them, my Uncle had invited some Guests to dinner, wherefore I resolved to put my resolution in execution then. That morning the maid to strengthen her the better to go through her work, had provided her self a Caudle, she being of the same nature that most women are of, to know very well what is good for themselves, no sooner was her back turned, but I conveyed the Eggs into the same, which she very freely drank off, but presently her Belly began to wamble, and her back-side proclaimed aloud that she was very much troubled with winde; such loud reports she gave, and so fast they came one after another, that the good wife in the Tale of the Fryer and the Boy, was a meer nothing to her. I could not forbear laughing if I should have been hang’d to hear how fast she trumpt it about, which gave her occasion to mistrust that I had done something unto her; but when she went to rail at me, her tongue could not be heard for the exceeding noise that she made with her Tail. By this time my Aunt was come down off her Chamber, but hearing how the Maid talkt to her at both ends, she could not forbear laughing neither, which vexed the Maid worse than before. My Uncle hearing the great noise that was made, came also to see what was the matter, but Jane (for so was the Maids name) was so ashamed that she could not speak one word for blushing, only that her Tail proclaimed that she had a very great Civil War within her belly: poor Jane did all she could to hold it in but it would not do, but out it flew with such impetuosity, that my uncle could less forbear then we, but laughed as if he would have split himself. This treble noise of laughter made Jane to think that we had all conspired against her, wherefore she got into her Chamber, and notwithstanding dinner was to dress, yet locking the door, all the Rhetorick that could be used to her, could not prevail with her to quit her Chamber all that day.

Next morning (her body being now in a quiet temper) she appeared out of her den, but who should then have seen her looks might plainly perceive how anger and shame strove which should have most predominancy in her; at first her Clack began to go, but my Aunt pacifying her, she fell to her work as she was accustomed. Now over night I had so devulg’d it amongst the Boyes, that when that forenoon she was sent to market, she had not been far out of doors but she had a hundred boyes at her heels, farting with their mouths, and making such loud hoots and hollows, that she was forced to return back again, where inclosing her self within her Chamber till night, she packt up her cloaths and in the dusk of the Evening departed away, whither I never saw her afterwards.