He cheateth a Cutler, afterwards robbeth a bacon man, his father is prest away for a Soldier, his mother dyeth, and he being left alone goeth to live with an uncle, where he acteth many Rogueries.

Necessity is the best whetstone to sharpen the edge of a mans invention, when the gutts begin to grumble against the belly for want of food, oh in what a confusion is then this little microcosme of ours? how is the invention rack’d, tortur’d and stretched forth to supply that defect, my hungry belly found this to be too true, which made me set my wits on work for a speedy remedy; a project quickly came into my head, but to effect the same I wanted mony; this was a double task for me to doe, but a willing minde overcomes all difficulties; away went I to a Cutlers, where in the cheapning of one knife, I stole another, and lest the Cutler should mistrust me, I came up to his price, but pretended I had forgotten my mony, and therefore must goe home and fetch it. This stoln knife I sold for a groat, which money I intended for a bait to catch a bigger fish; some few streets I traversed before my project would fasten, at last coming to Warwick Lane I saw in a Bacon-shop a fellow standing in a pocket blew-apron whose innocent looks gave me confident hopes of a golden prize; in I went and asked him the price of a pound of bacon, six pence boy said he of the rib, and four pence of the gammon; then give me a pound of the gammon (said I) and here is a groat the whole estate of a poor boy who hath been a long time in getting the same. Whilest he was weighing it I told him I had a curst mother in law, who fed me only with a bit and a knock, which made me to go with an empty belly and a heart full of sorrow; that if shee should know I were in possession of so eatable a commodity, she would take it from me, and that she did often search my pocket for that purpose: I therefore desired him to prevent the worst that might happen, to put the same down my back betwixt my doublet and shirt, which whilst he was doing, I leaning my head against him, with a short knife cut the pocket out of his apron, and having thanked him very kindly, away I went, leaving my poor Bacon-man with a bottomless pennyless pocket.

My purchased prize was about thirty shillings, of which some four of it was in brass farthings; but all was currant coyn that came into my hands, for I made no scruple at all in the receiving it; with this I returned home, thinking to be received with much joy, as having gotten that in my pocket which would make us all merry, but the case was quite alter’d from what was before; my mother was on a sudden fallen sick, my father pressed for a soldier, & hurried away. This much abated the edge of my mirth, but my years not being capable of much sorrow, although my Mothers death ensued not long after, yet it was soon over, and indeed her outward condition was so deplorable, it had been almost impiety to have wished her longer life.

Now though my condition was bad enough before, yet by my Mothers death it was much worse; I was now left to the wide world, friendless, monyless, and pittyless, for not any one of the neighbors would give me entertainment, expecting no good fruit from the loyns of such a bad stock. To follow my trade of theiving I began to dread, for every line, rope, & halter that I saw, methoughts did admonish me to leave it off, for fear I came home short at last, and to follow the occupation of begging was then a very bad time to begin in, it being about the depth of winter: at last I remembred my Mother had a brother, a Barber-Chyrurgion, living in St. Martins; thither I went, acquainted him with his sisters death, my own sad condition, and what a boy I would prove if it would please him to give me entertainment; he being ignorant of the trade that I drove, and moved with compassion at my pittiful tale, told me if I performed what I promised, I should not want for any thing he could assist me in: hereupon I was had into the house, and though my Aunt scowled on me, my Uncle commanded my rags to be taken off, and a suit of one of my Cousins put upon me, as being the more durable, although my own were a thousand strong.

Having thus with the snake cast my skin, and attained to good diet and lodging, I quickly began to be as brisk as a body-Lowse, and to vapour amongst the boys like a Crow in a Gutter; and (notwithstanding my promise) my mind was now wholly fixt upon Roguery, but in a lower orb than what I practised before, tending rather to mirth then much mischief; to doe this I had several inventions, according as time and place were convenient; one of my first exployts was, that being sent of an errand to a Grocers shop in a frosty morning, where was a pan of coals to warm their fingers, I secretly conveyed therein some Guinney peper, which set the Prentices in such a violent coughing fit that they were not able to speak to a Customer; their Mistress hearing this noise below, came running down staires, where senting the matter, she began to speak aloud at both ends, and being something laxative by drinking of Sider, she bewrayed in what a condition she was in by what was scattered on the floar.

Sometimes would I in a clean place where wenches were to pass, lay a train of Gun-powder; and at the very instant that they went along, set fire to it, which was a great pleasure to my Worship to see how the poor Girles would skip and leap, just like a horse when he hath a nettle under his tayle. At other times in the night would I tye a line from one side of the street to the other about half a foot high, whereby those that came next were sure to have a fall; nay I could not forbear to act my Rogueries in the Church it self, having a Goose-quill filled with lice and fleas, which I would purchase of the Beggars for broken meat; these would I blow into the necks of the daintiest Gentlewomen that I could see. At other times would I with a needle and thread (which I always carried about with me in my pocket) sow mens cloaks and womens Gowns together as they stood in the Crowd, so that when they went away, there would be such pulling of one another, that they would never leave until one of their Garments had a piece of it rent out.

Amongst other instruments of mischief wherewith I exercised my self, one was a hallow trunck to shoot with, in which I was such an artist that I seldome mist hitting the mark I aimed at; and that I might be the better undiscovered I on purpose brake a hole in the glass-window, through which I used to shoot at my pleasure, scarce could an oyster-wench or Kitching-stuff wench pass by, but I would hit her on the neck, hands, or some naked place, which would set her a rayling and scolding for a quarter of an hour together at she knew not whom. One Monday morning a shoo-makers maid had been fetching a great pitcher of beer for the Crispins to begin their weeks work withall; now as she sayled along with the pitcher in her hand, which with the weight thereof drew her quite a one side, to prevent the wenches growing crooked thereby, I levell’d so right that I hit her on the fingers, so that down came the pitcher, and with the weight thereof brake all in pieces, and spilt the good liquor; the poor wench cryed pittyfully, the Crispins stormed for loosing their mornings draughts, and being informed it was I that did it, they vowed to be revenged on me, which not long after they brought to pass.

For I that could not live without Roguery no more then a fish without water, still continued my trade notwithstanding all their threats. One day whilest I was watching for my prey, thorow the hole of the glass-window aforesaid, there came by a man with a basket of drinking-glasses on his head; scarce was he past me, when I saluted him with a dirt-bullet on the Calf of his leg, which made him give such a leap, that down came the basket with the glasses clattering upon the stones, making such a murther amongst them, that never was a Citizen (though he owed ten thousand pound more then he was worth) so much broken as they. The fellow seeing his glasses thus mortified, cursed most bitterly, breathing forth nothing but revenge, if he did but know who it was that did it. I who was conscious of my own guilt, hearing him so to thunder, thought some of his anger might lighten on me, and therefore to prevent the worst, I ran up the stairs, and hid my self under the bed; but he that hath a bad name is worse then half hang’d, the shoomakers who I had mischiefed before, right or wrong, said positively that it was I, urging him on to revenge hiself on my Uncles glass-windows; the fellow who was easily induced to believe what they said, and to act accordingly, made no more adoe but up with his empty basket, and to revenge his quarrel made such havock of the windows, that there was scarcely ever a quarrel left. O how did my Uncle look, and my Aunt scold to see their house thus metamorphosed into the shape of a Bawdy-house; but it was in vain for them to complain, every one took the mans part, and laid all the blame of the mischief upon me; hereupon was a privy search made all the house over for me, and being found my poor buttocks paid full dearly for the breaking of the windows, my Aunt standing by all the while to see execution done upon me, and urging my Uncle on to beat me, for which I cursed her in my heart most bitterly.