His robbing of Orchards, how he was cachett by a Night-spell; the extremity their family was brought unto, and how to relieve it, he robbed a Grocer.

My mind being thus fully fixt to follow thieving, I began my trade in robbing of Orchards, returning home with laden thighs, the trophies, and spoils of Cherry-trees, Pear-trees, and Plum-trees. My mother instead of correcting me for what I had done, encouraged me to proceed on as I had begun; for indeed hunger had pinched us sorely ever since my brothers death, my fathers credit being so eclipsed thereby, that until people saw he would mend his life, scarce any one would employ him to mend their shoes. One Orchard I especially haunted it being stor’d with most gallant fruit, whose very looks me thought did cry, Come eat me: but so often I frequented the same, especially one tree of more choice fruit than all the rest, that the owner of the Orchard (being a rich miserable chuff, and one who knew on which side his bread was butter’d) began to mistrust the same, and therefore that his apples might not depart away without first taking leave of him, he resolved for the future to prevent the same, and having some little skill in negromancy, against my next coming he inchanted his Orchard with a Night-spel.

This he placed at the four corners of his Orchard, in the hour of Mars, and is of such force being rightly applyed, that who ever comes within the bounds thereof, must be forced to stay there till Sun-rising. Now I that knew not any thing of what was done, according to my accustomed course, having the dark night for my coverture, boldly enter’d the Orchard, with winged haste ascended upon one of the trees, where having filled a bag with Apples which my mother had furnished me withal for that purpose, I thought to depart away as formerly I had done, but the case was quite alter’d from what was before; for I found my self in such a Labyrinth that the best clue of my invention could not winde me out; Here did I wander about with my bag on my shoulders (having not the power in the least to lay it down) till such time as Aurora begun to usher in the day, when the old chuff enter’d the Orchard to see what fish his net had caught, resolving with severity to punish the Caitifs that had stoln away his goods, but in stead of a Gudgeon finding but a sprat, beholding my Childish years, he could not imagine me to be the Author of so much wrong as he had received; and thereupon altering his resolution of breaking arms and leggs as he first intended, he stepped back to his house & fetched from thence a great burchin rod, the instrument wherewith he intended to chastise me withal, with much silence he approached unto me; (for a words speaking would dissolve the charm) and having with some strugling untrust my Breeches, laying me over his knee, he began to exercise the office of a Pedagogue upon me; now I having for some space of time before eaten nothing but green fruit, had gotten a terrible looseness, which with the fright that I was in, and the smart that I felt, wrought such effects in my belly, that opening my posteriors, I discharged a whole volley of excrements in his face. This action of mine made him at once to shut his eyes, open his mouth, and unloose his hands, so that the charm being broken, and my body at liberty, I quickly conveyed my self out of the Orchard, leaving the old catterpillar in a very stinking condition, not to be remedied without the benefit of that cleansing element of water.

Warned by this disaster, I was very fearful to enter into any more Orchards, and indeed had I met no Remora in my proceedings, yet this trade would soon have failed, for not long after the Apples were all transplated out of the Orchard into the Cellar, and winter began to hasten on apace. And now hunger which will not be treated withal without bread, began to reign Lord and King in our family; the Chandler would let us have no more cheese for chalk, nor peny loaves for round O’s, we had made a black poast white already with our score, and his belief would extend no further to trust us for any more: nay the very Ale-house-keeper (to whom we were such constant customers) was now grown such a Nullifidian, that he would not believe us for small-beer, wherefore we were forced to make a vertue of necessity, and to prevent starving, our houshold goods marched away one after another; the first thing that we sold was the Cup-board as the most unnecessary thing in all the house, having no victuals to put therein; soon after followed the Table as an appendix to it, for seeing the Table will hold no victuals thereon for us to eat, we in revenge thereof did eat up the Table; That (with some joynt-stools belonging to it) being devoured and gone, our stomacks were so hot that it soon melted away the pewter dishes; for we considered with our selves that good meat might be eaten out of wooden platters; then followed the napkins and table-cloaths, for we were not so much cloyed with fat meat but that a little linnen would serve to wipe the greace off of our fingers; in fine this pinching hunger was the Habeas corpus that removed all our goods out of the House unto the Brokers, and now our dwelling place corresponded with our bellies, being alike both empty.

In this comfortless condition we remained for the space of three days, having neither money nor any thing to make money of; being thus sadly necessitated, my father and I set our witts upon the Tenter-hooks which way to recruit our decayed estate, many inventions we had for that purpose, and present necessity urged us to make a speedy use of one of them, which not long after we brought to pass in this manner.

It being then winter time, the Evenings long and dark, we bought a Link for three pence, the remainder of our whole estate; with this about ten of the clock in the night we marched out, resolving to fasten on the fairest opportunity that should present its self to our sight; many streets we traversed, but found not any thing that might answer either our intent or expectation. Coming at last to Basing-lane, and casting our wandring eyes into a Shop, we there espyed a Grocer telling of money on a Counter, being lighted only by a single candle; this made for our purpose, whereupon my father planting himself, I boldly entered the Shop, desiring him to give me leave to light my Link; which being granted, I with the same soon popt out his Candle, snatching up a handful of mony, ran out of the doors with the same as fast as I could; the Grocer hasted after me amain, in the mean time my father stept into the shop, and took away the remainder of the mony. My nimbleness had soon out stripped the Grocer, who returned back, and found that the Devil might dance upon his Counter, for there was never a cross to keep him from it. About an hour after we met together at home, where having counted our purchase, we found it amounted to seven pounds eighteen shillings and six pence. So long as this mony lasted, the pot, the spit, and pitcher was never idle; but what was thus got over the Devils back was soon spent under his belly, and in a short time we were reduced to as great want as we were in before.