Some abuses of Chyrurgions; the knavery of Tapsters, Hostlers and Chamberlains, with a brief character of a drunken Host.

Having now attained to about twelve years of age, my uncle began to instruct me somewhat in his art of Chyrurgery, intending when I had attained some small perfection therein, to send me to Sea, although my minde never stood that way, resolving not to be mue’d up in a wooden Cage, where there was but some few inches distance continually betwixt me and death. In this small tract of time that I was thus employed with my Uncle, I found out much cuningness in his art whereby to gain money, for if it were but a prickt finger, he would make a great matter of it, and tell you what danger you had been in if you had staid but a minute longer; instancing how such a one his Patient by only cutting of a Corn, and drawing blood, it turned to a Gangreen, which by bad handling of unskilful Chyrurgions growing worse and worse, they were at last inforced to send for him, who in a few days made him perfectly sound, that otherwise (had he not come to him) must inevitably have perisht.

Now because monyed Customers were something rare, when they did come we made both their bodies and purses smart for it; lengthening out the healing of their wounds, the better to wire-draw their purses. Indeed we were not so much beholding to the Wars, as we were to the Stews, unless sometimes a Tavern quarrel brought us a Patient; but then what a brave incitement we had to make him part with his mony, telling him he might recover that and ten times more of his Adversary, that we would be witness for him, and that if he had not met with a skilful Chyrurgion, it would have cost him his life; when as perhaps it was but a little scratch, his block-head being too hard for to receive any deep wound.

One story of a Patient I shall relate, not so much to show the rarity of his cure, but the malice of a woman which occasioned his hurt.

The fellow by his profession was a Plaisterer, who had a most damnable scold to his wife, that used to fetch him from the Ale-house with a Horse-pox; one night coming home three quarters drunk, she acted the part of Zantippe, and make the House to ring with her scolding; this musick was so untunable in her husbands ears, that getting a Cudgel in his hands, he fell to be labouring her as Sea-men do stock-fish, until he made her to ask him forgiveness, and promise him never to scold so again: Having thus as he thought got an absolute conquest over her tongue, he went quietly to Bed, where he slept soundly, whilest she lay awake studying of mischief. In the morning before he wak't she examind his pockets for mony, the common tricks of a great many women; but found nothing in them save only some lath-nails; these did she take and set upright all about the Chamber, which done she gets a pail of water in her hands, and calling aloud, commands him to rise, which he refused to do, she throws the pail of water upon the Bed; this so vext him that starting suddenly up, he went to run after her, when his naked feet lighting upon the lath nails, he was forced to slacken his pace, being so mortified with them, that for three quarters of a year afterwards he lay under my Uncle’s hands.

But to return where I left. I had not been long at the Trade, when my Uncle one day walking down to Wapping, provided me of a master to go to Sea, which (as I told you before) I was fully resolved against, and therefore very peremptorily I told him that I would not go, which so incensed him that he vow’d that I should not stay any longer in his house; I was the less troubled at his words because the day before I had heard of a Tapster in an Inn not far off that wanted a Boy; thither therefore went I and profferd my service unto him, which he as readily accepted, and the same night was I entertained into the House, he having heard the cause of my departure from my Uncle, for which he rather blamed him than me.

Now was I in my Kingdom having store of company, and my fill of strong drink, which two things I dearly loved. I applied my self to my calling very diligently, and soon learned to cry Anon, anon Sir, and By and by, with as much alacrity as the best Tapsters Boy in Christendom. My Master taught me how to nick the Canns, and froth the Jugs, and with the crotched chalk to score up two flaggons for one, and I quickly found the way, when Company was drinking to take away flaggons before they were half empty, and full tobacco-pipes amongst the foul ones. When Company first came in, I always observ’d to bring them of the best liquor, but when they were half drunk, then that which run on Tilt, or the drappings of the tap should serve their turn; if they found fault, I would take it away to change it, but nevertheless they should be sure to pay for it, as if they had drunk it.

One thing I observed of my master, that if the Reckoning once came to above three shillings, he would be sure to bring in six pence or eight pence more than it was; then when the Company were going away he would say, Nay stay, Gentlemen, & take my half dozen Cans before you go, which most commonly produced another reckoning, the Gentlemen not knowing how to retaliate his kindness without doing so, by this means getting their mony, with thanks to boot. If Gentlemen brought tobacco of their own, we would say it stunk were it never so good, and feigning a Cough as if half stifel’d, cry out, Who is it that takes of this stinking stuff? this is enough to suffocate the Devil. Which would make some Gentlemen to throw away their pipes and say, Pox on this Grocer he hath cheated me damnably, come give us three pipes of your tobacco, which when they have had they would commend for superexcellent, although perhaps twelve pence in the pound worse than his own, by which may be proved that tobacco is nothing else but a meer fancy.

I seeing my master cozen Gentlemen so frequently, thought with my self that I might cozen them also, or at least-wise cozen my master, who so often cozened others, being warranted thereto by that of the Poet.

And therefore when he was out of the way, to the reckoning I would add a groat, six pence, eight pence, or twelve pence, according as it was in bigness, which yet I would also score up, lest if he came in the way before it was paid, and should tell the score; I might be mistrusted; but if I received the mony before he came, then the over-plus went into my own pocket, which could not be discovered when the chalk was wiped out.

In Summer, when people drank in Canns, if my Master were in company (as oft-times he was invited by Guests to drink with them) we had a Can with a false bottom that held not above a quarter of a pint, which in the delivery of them I always so ordered as that Can came to his hands, which he would drink off leisurely, and then turning the bottom upwards, it past undiscerned, saving thereby much beer in a day, keeping himself sober to drink in other companies.

In Winter for morning-draughts we furnished our Guests with Gravesend toasts, which is bread toasted over night, our plenty of Guests not permitting us to do it in the morning; if we put any of them into drink before our Guests (as sometimes we were forced to do) we would be sure to warm the beer or ale before-hand, and in putting in the toast cry siz, although it were as cold as a stone.

But my Master and I were not all the cozeners that belonged to the Inn, the Hostler claimed as great a share in that mistery as we. His chief cunning consisted in tallowing Horse-teeth that they should eat no hay; or when a Gentleman gave his Horse oats, no sooner was his back turn’d, but he would steal them half away, telling the Gentleman, his Horse must needs travel well he was so quick at his meat. If a Gentleman’s saddle were any thing torn he would be sure to make it so bad that he could not ride any further with it without mending, as also to spoyle the shoes on the Horses feet, that he must be forced to have new ones, for which he had pensions from the Smith and the Sadler.

Nor must I here forget the Chamberlain, who deserved to be rancked with the foremost for Roguery; he was a sly thief, and used to cheat Guests with foul sheets, pretending them to be clean, when as they had been lain in three or four times; and then a little water strowed on them, and foulded up and prest, made them seem as if new washt. He was a very diligent observer of Gentlemens Cloakbags, whether they had good silver linings in them or no, which if he found to be ponderous, his next care was to inquire what Country-men they were, which way they travelled, and the like, which having found, he gave intelligence accordingly to a Gang of Highway men, with whom he was in continual pay.

These were the Servants that belonged to this Inn, such a parcel of Canary-birds as well deserved to look through a Hempen Casement at the three corner’d tenement in the high-way betwixt London and Paddington. Were not those Guests well blest think ye, which hapned in such a place where none but knaves, thieves, and cheaters were their attendants? Now you cannot but imagine that the Master of such Servants was well worthy of his place, I shall therefore only give you a brief character of the Host himself, and so proceed on in my discourse.

He seemed by his bulk to be of the race of the old Gyants, and though his belly were not so big as the tun at Heidleburg, yet a flaggon of beer therein seemed no more than a man in Pauls. He commanded with as much imperiousness as if he were the great Cham of Tartaria, and had an excellent faculty to strut along the streets with the top of his staff bobbing against his lips, he could call the young wenches whores with a great grace; and when he took tobacco, his mouth vented smoak like the funnel of a Chimney. He much blamed the English for affecting to drink wine, preferring beer and ale before all forraign liquors whatsoever. To show his loving nature he would drink with all companies, and would toss off a Cann with celerity and dexterity. He would not be jealous though he saw another man kissing his wife, knowing such her familiarity to be the greatest Load-stone that attracted Guests to his house, in summe, his forenoons work was to scoope in beer by the Quart, and the most part of the afternoon to spend in sleeping.

In this house I wasted away my time nigh three quarters of a year, but then a sad accident befel my Master, which left me again to shift for my self; he had belike been dabling in private with Prudence, one of the maids belonging to the house, I know not what the business was, but she looked so bigly on him that he could not endure her sight, and therefore to avoid it, he privately put off his Cellar to another, and having received his money, marched off incognito, leaving me to the wide world; for this new Tapster having a boy of his own, dismissed me to shift for my self.