Latroon’s Wife prosecutes her love, the manner of her extravagant Horse-courtship, inviting them to a bowl of Punch, she forc’d them to the Squeak, is discovered in her amours by her Husband and would have poysoned her self to escape his anger. Latroon brings his new Comrades into the acquaintance of the Bannian, whom by feasting him aboard and ashore, they make their friend in their knavish Design.

My Wife was none of those puling, whining, lovers, who not obtaining their desires, presently exclaim against the injustice of Heaven in not granting their wishes, and growing sullen to make amends for their Blasphemy, hang themselves, or cut their own throats. She had a certain way of Court-ship peculiar to herself, and a kind of Horse-play in her kissing, which was so strong and eager: that you must have a special care she did not beat some of your teeth down your throat; her embraces were as soft as a Bears, I think fully as strong, she hath made me sometimes in a merry humour, cry Oh: and therefore I cannot see how these striplings will escape with life should they be encirkled in her arms.

What kind of Rhetorick she used to perswade them with, I am not yet acquainted, but I understand she boarded them both at once and put them to the squeak, without uttering a word, and had not they fled for it, she had ransacked their carcasses to have tryed their Manhood, this made them ever after shun being alone with her, which made her so mad, that when she hath seen them in company, if by any means she could come at them, she would have pinch’d them by the arms, or else where, her fingers being as bad as a pair of pincers. She was ignorant of the way of winning them by Presents, or the subtle insinuation of fine words, varnished with love and Service; she was downright with them, if they would not love her, she would see whether she could make them; but that not doing, she was resolv’d to try whether drunkenness would operate any thing upon them. Whilst I and my new Associates were gone abroad to hasten our purposes of marching off together, she had prepar’d a Bowl of Punch, with other excellent Liquors, not omitting several Dishes of Sweetmeats; she strained her self at that time to the utmost to express her civillity and kindness, drinking often to them till at last she perceiv’d that the strength of those several Liquors they drank had elevated them; then did she in as good English as she was Mistress of, tell them that she lov’d them, and they must love her, that she had never seen such pretty white men before, with that she caught one of them about the neck, the other fearing they should be now discovered, indeavored to assist her Comrade, and struggled to disengage her hands from about her neck, but she being too strong, would not disengage her hold, but by main strength brought them both down to the ground together with her; just as my business calling me home, I entred the Room wherein I found my Spouse at Tantum Scantum with the two supposed young-men, tumbling all together promiscuously: I knew they could not if they would, and would not if they could make me a Cuckold, therefore I had no cause to be angry with any, but my Christian Infidel, and yet I had but little reason to be so with her, considering the brutishness of her nature, and barbarousness of her education: however so sensible she was of the injury she design’d to do me, that taking a Dagger out of her pocket, which she mightily delighted to carry always about her, she would have stabb’d her self, had I not prevented her, by forcing it out of her hands. I saw nothing but distruction and distraction in her eyes, and therefore, watcht her narrowly she would not mischief her self, or any else; she seeing that seem’d better compos’d, and stepping aside drawing a small Box out of her pocket, which she always made her Vade mecum, and was fill’d with the rankest poyson, she conveyed some of it into a Cup, and offer’d to drink to me, which she would have done, had I not dasht it out of her hand: she seeing me so careful of her preservation, imagined I had no evil will against her, she fell upon her knees again, and begg’d of me that I would kill her, for she deserv’d it, or take for my satisfaction as many wives as I pleas’d into the house, and she would not be offended at it in the least; I told her I would have no more wives than she, and that I would forgive her this time, so she would never do the like again.

She now trebled her diligence at home, whilst I exercised my wit abroad, among the Bannians I invited one of the principal of them home to a treat, a man of vast sway, and great credit in the Country; and having acquainted my new Correspondents, or fellow Conspirators of the time of our meeting, I ordered them to appear as splendidly as they could, according to the Custome of the Country; and to be noble in their expences, all which they performed so well, that they gain’d a great esteem with the Bannian; Moreover I informed him privatly; that the Captain (though an Interloper) was resolv’d not to be behind hand in the lading his Ship homeward, with the best Factor in the company, having Gold enough for that purpose, and that those young men that accompanied him to the indies were the sons of English Lords, that had brought with them great store of Gold to see this Country, and lay it out in the Commodities thereof: he hearkened to me with much attention, and having always had a very good oppinion for me, believ’d what I said to be no less than truth, and therefore desired me that I would perswade them that he might negotiate their Affairs for them; this was the thing I desired, which I should have offer’d him, had he not so happily prevented me by his own voluntary motion, and to encourage his willingness therein, I whispered the Captain in the ear aside, informing him that the Bannian was fully wrought upon, and that now he had not need to fear fraught at half credit, as I shall mannage the matter, I desired him to invite him abroad to morrowmorrow, and what friends he should think to bring along with him, which accordingly he did; after that we had been sufficiently merry together in my house, and though he was somewhat elderly, yet he was a very comely old man, and had wit and heat enough in him to play the Good-fellow: We had so liberally entertained him (and had so fitted every thing to his humour, I knowing his humour to a hair) that on his going away, he acknowledged infinite satisfaction in that he had received, promising for these civilities his utmost Service and Assistance; the Captain stopt him in his further acknowledgments, by assuring him they were nothing to what he and the Company intended for him, desiring him that he would favour them with his Company abroad the next day; the Bannian gratefully accepted the proffer, for he was a person that lov’d dearly his belly, and therefore the more willing and ready to accept our English treatment, which he knew was no niggardly one; but had he known what a stale purgation he should have had after all his feasting, he would have sooner swallowed a Pagod, than one single morsel.

About noon I found the Bannian at his own house, and telling him that he was expected abroad, he made himself ready to go with me, in our way thither we met with some of his most intimate friends, and some of mine, those which I thought would further our design I singled out, and took them along with us. The Captain had made ample provision for us, and understanding from me that the Bannian was obliged to abstain from some sort of meat, he had to be sure provided none thereof; having feasted with all the jollity imaginable, firing several pieces of Ordinance according to Command; now Sir, said the Captain, that you might know we come not into your company empty-handed, or that we will take up any of your Goods and Commodities without paying you for them according to contract, I will shew you something which shall be a Secret to every body else, so unlocking a Chest, he shew’d them a great quantity of his own Gold, and his Undertakers; if this be not enough, see there of this friend of mine fifteen hundred pieces, and of that mans there, five hundred, with a thousand more if occasion should serve.

This made the Bannian and his friends admire to see so great a quantity of Gold, however he seem’d to take but little notice, only saying, you have a great deal of money, Sir, and we have a great deal of valuable Commodities, which you shall not want, but trust them to my procurement for you, and you shall not fail in your expectation; he spake English good enough to let us understand, that he would be our Servant to do our business, and the Merchant too, to credit us if we so pleas’d. What Goods we took of him at first we paid him ready money before delivered, and by degrees caus’d him to send some abroad, and paid him three or four days after: And to the intent we might not be in the least suspected for any knavery, I advised the Scrivener, Drugster, and Gregory (their Hanger-on) to give out they intended to stay in the Country some considerable while, that what goods they bought, they would send for England, when the Captain should return thither, and to confirm the truth of this report, they built them an house, befitting the entertainment of them, and the securing what Goods they should procure by way of Merchandize, servants I procur’d them, such as I thought would be for their turn, both Male and Female, but if they intended to have their Victuals well drest, they must not expect the Cookery from them; however they resolv’d to try the ability of their new servants, who handled the matter so scurvily, that when it was brought to Table, there was not one, but was of a different oppinion in giving a name for what was brought before them, not knowing whether it was boil’d, bak’d, broyl’d, or roasted; for the looks thereof seem’d to have a touch of them all; so that it was concluded by all that the Proverb was never better verifi’d than now; God sends meat, and the Devil sends Cooks; and so any Stranger would have taken them, they being of his own smoaky complexion. Wherefore to avoid these foul inconveniences of sluttish feeding, it was agreed on, that Mall (alias William) Doll (alias George) notwithstanding their Breeches, should officiate as Cooks, their friends should be caterers, and their menials Skullions.