The Hostess’s Daughter being courted by an ignorant poetical Lover; he brings a Soldier with him who becoming intimately acquainted with Mistress Dorothy relates to her; how he by pretending to be a Cunning-man and raising a Spirit, had furnished himself, his Landlord and Landlady with a plentiful Supper, which had been provided at the Cost of another.

Thus did these Cheats make the best of a bad market, for being at the first obstructed in their designs by their Companions Imprisonment, they were at a loss, and they got little money this bout but what the Judge and his Kinsman gave them, and the people who were present at this bold adventure of picking the Judges pocket on the Bench, were very curious of their own, and for the future had some what more than ordinary to talk of; but mine Host who knew more of the matter than ordinary, made rare sport with this story at his return, and the Shoemaker who hath receiv’d satisfaction for the loss of his Boot, having had money for the other, by mine Hosts appointment sent for the other Shoemaker his fellow Tradesman, and ordinary Charges being deducted, gave him the one half; but mine Host so ordered the matter, that as they began, so they ended in drink, and spent all they had received at our house, and thus ended the adventure of the boots. Mistress Dorothy now stopping, and we thereby finding that she had concluded her discourse, we took the liberty of laughing, and wondring at what she had told us, and therefore desired her to give her self the trouble to relate some more adventures to us, but she told us in plain terms that she had done, and that we were to expect no more from her. I hearing her so peremptory in her reply, told her that we had been very much engaged to her, for the extraordinary pains she had taken in these several relations; but yet I must need add this, that as yet she had not fully performed her promise, for she had promis’d to give us an account of all the family, when as, if I am not mistaken she had said little or nothing of two persons, whom I supposed to be very considerable, and that was the Son and Daughter; and therefore I made it my request to her, that she would recollect her self, and relate to us somewhat of them, because indeed they were a little active while they liv’d at home with their father and mother, but after they went abroad in the world they were very remarkable, (and continued she) since their leaving their father and mother, and my leaving the house were at one and the same time, and one the same occasion I shall now give you an account of it, and then she thus proceeded.

One young Man and Maid living in a house where so much roguery was acted, must needs be well enough experienc’d to act their Parts, but they were so warily looked after by their Mother, that it was almost impossible to exercise their Talent at home, and the young man by reason of the danger of the War, and least he should be taken Prisoner and served as his Father was, was enforced to keep home and ramble but little, but his Sister less, not being permitted to go any way out of the Town. And although many Guests who came to our house saw her, and liked her marvellously well, (for indeed she was handsom) and would have made love to her, yet her Mother knowing the danger by her own experience, watch’d her too narrowly to permit it, and was resolved to use her best endeavor to preserve the Jewel of her daughters maiden-head until she should be lawfully married. She being kept up so strictly had few Suiters, only one in the Town, who was a Farmers Son had a moneths mind to her, and having read the famous History of Tom Thumb, and from thence proceeding to Fortunatus, and then to the most admirable History of Dorastus and Fawnia, was infected with Poetry and Love both at once, and absolutely believing that all he read was really true, did with himself to be as fortunate as Fortunatus himself, and since he could not meet with that blind Lady Fortune to present him with such a Purse, he did however resolve to be as absolute a lover as Dorastus; and now nothing to that accomplishment being wanting but a Mistriss who should be his Fawnia, he found out our Pretty Mistress Peggy my Hostess’s Daughter (Hers I may boldly call her, but mine Host’s I dare not, the Case being doubtful, by what I have already related to you) a Mistress being found for our Swain, he made some addresses to her, and was permitted by the Mother to more freedom than any, because the youth was not only indifferent handsome, but rich, and mine Hostess was pretty free that they should strike up a match together; I was still desired to keep Company with these Lovers, but I had much ado to forbear laughing outright when I heard his Courtship, all his language was Stuff stoln out of the books he had read; and when he was answered by Mistress Peggy, or any question propounded by me to him in any ordinary or different Dialect, he was as deaf as a Bell-founder, and was not able to answer us; I being resolved to make sport with him, told him that I thought he would do mainly well if he would apply his fancy to writing of Poetry, and as an essay I advised him to write a Letter to Mistress Peggy in Verse, he thanked me for my advice, and desir’d my friend-ship and said that he would go immediately home and exercise himself in Poetry, and so he said, and so he did, for behold the next morning Mistress Peggy received a Letter from him, which we both read and laugh’d at, for it was so foolishly forced, conceited, and nonsensical that have I much ado to remember the words, but having often repeated them, I shall now relate them to you.

Madam,

We all laughed heartily at this non-sensical stuff, and I told mistress Dorothy that sure she was mistaken in the recital of these verses, and that they were to be said backwards, for that wayes that she repeated them I discovered the humour of our Poetical Lover, and Mistress Peggy by my directions returned him this answer.

Amorous Friend,

Tis much you should receive two infections at once, the one Love, the other Poetry, but it is not very strange since they commonly accompany one another, but i’le assure you ’tis dangerous, for you know the old Proverb, that sad are the effects of Love and Pease Porridge; and besides Poetry is commonly attended with Poverty, but after a strict perusal of your poetick Fancies, I find there is no great danger in your poetick infection, for unless you improve your self mightily it will be a long time e’re you be a compleat Poet, and since your Poetry and Love came together, it will be as long e’re you be a compleat Lover; now if you have still a mind to prosecute these two Designs, of Love and Poetry, I advise you to make use of some other more fit and sublime object that may raise your fancy to a higher pitch of eloquence, or at least wise sense, as you have been in verse. I return this answer to you in prose, and as you like this you may prosecute your Designs of Love and Poetry, with some other Object, but I pray give no more trouble to

This to the best of my remembrance was the answer to our Lovers poetical Letter, and although what we writ might have been enough to have dashed the designs of any other, yet our Lover came very confidently that evening, and thanked his Mistress for receiving his Letter, and answering it; telling her that he did acknowledge he had not as yet any great Skill in Poetry, but he had written his best, and intended and hoped in the next to mend it, and so he proceeded in his troublesome Love-Suit. Our Cook-maid coming into the room where we were, and having seen the Love Letter, it being made no secret, told us that she had a Love Letter sent her not long since, which in her opinion was better than that; and we believing that there must be somewhat in it worth the seeing, commanded her to fetch it, and giving it into my hands, I read these words.

Madam,

I Hope the Brains of your Beauty being boyl’d in the Kettle of Kindness with the Beef of Bounty, may at length prove a dish for my dyet, so that the Marrowbone of your Maidenhead being crack’d with the Chopping-knife of my Courage, may upon the Trencher of Truth declare how I love you; let not the minc’d meat of Modesty baked in the Oven of Hatred in the Crust of Coyness cause my Denial, lest the Dagger of Death being drenched in the Barrel of my Blood may with the Spiggot draw forth the Liquor of my Life.

Yours more than his own,

This Letter pleas’d me more than the former, and I told her that her Sweet-heart was ingenious and witty, for he had courted her in her own language, and made use of such words she understood, and that in my opinion it was far better to do so than to be altogether so poetical as to make mocks of their Mistresses by comparing their fore-heads to Alablaster, their eyes to Diamonds, their lips to Coral, and such kind of fantastical similies, our Lover was of my opinion, and was so taken with the Cook-maids Letter that he desired to copy it, and so he did; and while he was thus employed, I remembred that I had a paper of verses that would employ all his senses to understand, and it may be puzzle him; and therefore fetch’d it, and he having copyed the other lines, I shewed him these.

And most dreadful it was indeed, said our Lover, if it were true, but however (continued he) the Verses are very good, and I pray let me have a copy of them; which I permitted him to take; and he read them over, and over again without understanding the Mystery, but the more he read, the more he seemed to wonder at the strangeness of the several sights, and said, sure this is impossible, not at all, said I, and if you will lay ten shillings to be spent, I will make it out to you before you go, that all that is there written is very true, and that I have seen it all myself. I cannot believe it, replyed he, and I am content to lay the wager, provided Mistress Peggy may be the Judge. Content, said I, and so the money was laid in her hands, and then I took up the paper and began to read thus: I saw a Peacock, and there I made a stop, and said, do you believe that? If you do not, I can shew you one in the yard: Ay, but said he, the Verse is, I saw a Peacock with a fiery Tail, and that is the wager: no, said I, you must stop when you have red I saw a Peacock, and then go on, with a fiery Tail I saw a blazing Star; and I am sure that I have seen that too, for blazing Stars have all fiery Tails: that is true, replyed he, but I did not mean to read it so: tis no matter how you meant, said I, but what I read is true, and by vertue of that I suppose I shall win the wager, but however I proceeded, and read; That dropt down Hail I saw a Cloud; Begirt with Ivy round I saw a a sturdy Oak; Creep on the ground I saw a Pismire, Swallow up a Whale I saw a Brackish Sea; Brim full of Ale I saw a Venice Glass: And so I read on to the end of the Verses, still making a full stop in the middle of the verse, where the sense required it; thus making sense of the impossible nonsense: by this time our Lover saw he was likely to lose his Wager, but however he cavelled at my thus reading it, and said, I ought to stop only where the rhimerhime ended; but all that he said signified nothing, for his Mistress did me the justice to award me the Wager, and accordingly gave me my money, and kept the other twenty shillings to be spent; neither was the Poetical Lover much displeased, for he had a very high esteem of the Lines he had, protesting he would not part with them for forty shillings, and he questioned not but he should win much money by Wagers he would lay about them, and being thus satisfied he left us, promising the next night to return, and then expecting a Colation for the ten shillings he had lost; and so we were rid of our poetical Lover till the time appointed; which being come, he likewise came and brought with him a young man, a Soldier that belong’d to the Garrison in our Town; I knew the man by sight, for he was very remarkable, it being the general report that he was a Cunning-man and could tell fortunes, and our Lover brought him to give his oppinion, whether he should have mistress Peggy or not. We gave him the ordinary welcome, he coming in company with our Lover we were the more free with him, who demeaned himself so well that I had a more than ordinary respect for him, and told him he should be welcome at any other time; and so our Colation being ended, we for that time parted; but in short time after he came again, and being as he said, much taken with my company, desired to take all opportunities of waiting on me: I seeing no harm in him, and finding that he was none of the pitifull sort of fellows, but that he was handsom, witty, and above all things that he wore money in his Pocket, permitted him frequently to visit me, and it was not long e’re I grew into such familiarity with him, that I obliged him to shew me so much of his Skill as to tell me my Fortune; he was surprized at this proposition and made many Excuses, but I grew to that height in my importunitie that I wearied him; at length he told me that although all the Town had been mistaken in him yet I should not, and that if I pleased he would undeceive me, and in short he told me that it was a mistake to think that he was skillfull either in Astrology or Magick, and although he had gained some moneys by pretending to be knowing in that mystery, yet it was no such matter: I supposing that he only said this to excuse himself, still importuned him in such manner, that I brought him to this: that provided I would promise him secrecy, he would discover his whole secrets to me, and thereby make it absolutely appear that the Town was mistaken: I being desirous of hearing Novelties, engaged to perform all he desired, and thereupon he thus began.

Madam, in the discourse I shall make you, I shall be forced to discover not only my own secrets, but also those of another, the most eminent of this Town, and were it not to you, and onely to you, I should not do it for any consideration whatsoever, for it is the secrets of a woman of the best quality, and therefore you may be justly angry with me for so doing, but my respects, & indeed my love to you is so great, that I shall not stop at any obstacles to perform anything you require; & withal I pray do not think, that since I am so easie to discover one womans secrets, and that of such eminency and one to whom I am so much obliged, that I should, or may at one time or another, serve you in the like manner. No Madam (said he) assure your self of the contrary, for although the woman I am to speak of be so eminent, indifferently handsom, and one to whom I am so much obliged, yet my acquaintance with her began after a strange manner, and it was a kind of necessity that first induced her to permit me the freedom I enjoy with her; whereas on the contrary, the respects I have for you are of another nature, for my inclination and affection induce me to pay you all manner of service, which I am confident will be very lasting. He having made this plausible speech, thus proceeded.

It is not many moneths since I was first acquainted with this place, you know my quality is a Soldier of Fortune, and I may reasonably enough term my self so, being of late some-what favoured by that blind and inconstant Lady; our Commander in Chief thinking it convenient to draw us out of the field where we had been all the last Summer, and place us in Garrisons for the Winter season; it fell to my lot, among other of my Comrades, to be ordered to be quartered in this Town, where when we came, we had our several Billets delivered to us, and mine directed me to the House of the wealthiest Mercer in your Town, where I still Quarter, and who you know is a Person as eminent for Estate, as any in the Town, I need not name him, you knowing where I Quarter: it so fortuned, that the night I came thither first to Quarter, he was out of the Town, as he had been for some dayes past and was to continue for two or three more. It was somewhat late when I knock’d at the door, and therefore the Maid-servant who heard me, ask’d me what I would have? I answer’d that I was appointed in that House to take up my Quarters. The Maid soon called her Mistress, and acquainted her with the matter; which she knowing, thus answer’d me, that she was a young new-married woman, that her Husband was absent, that she had onely one servant, and that therefore she could not with any conveniency entertain any man in her house. I could not be satisfied with this answer, but reply’d that I was sorry I must be so troublesom, but withal that it was too late to seek any other lodging; and that my Comrades were all in their Quarters, and therefore I must unavoidably lye in the street if she did not entertain me; wherefore I pray’d her to receive me into her house, and put me into any place she pleas’d, and I promised that I would be as little troublesome as possibly I could, and therefore I desired her not to deny that fairly and by entreaty, which she knew I could command. The young woman, although she was much troubled (believing that I might hinder a design she had in hand) yet knowing withal that what I said was true, and that I might command where I entreated, commanded her maid to open the door, and shew me my lodging up in the Garret. When I was entred the house, I told her that I was to lodge there, so I desir’d I might sup with her, (not that I would command it, but that I would willingly pay for what I had) because it was late, and I had not eaten any thing all that day. She seemed angry at my proposal, telling me that I was mistaken if I took her house for an Inn, and if I wanted a supper, want I must, for I was like to have nothing there but my bare lodging, and indeed bare I might call it, for it was a most pitiful one, however I was forc’d to make use of it, and go supper-less to bed. Being thus ready to dye for hunger, I had little mind to sleep, and therefore I only tumbled and tossed without so much as closing mine eyes together. After I had lain an hour in this manner, casting mine eyes about the Chamber, I perceived some light which came through a Chink or Crevis in the floor, and my curiosity inviting me to it, I leap’d out of the bed, and laying my eye to the place, I might perceive under me a room very well furnisht, wherein was a great Fire, two Spits, of roasted Fowls, the Maid turning them, and the young Woman, the Mistress sitting in the arms of a young Fellow a Lawyer, who to me appeared to be so by his Gown. How! said I to myself, is this the Woman that in her Husbands absence will not receive a man into her? Oh the unconstancy and subtility of Women! this I thought, but however I believed it was not as yet time to speak out; but being very hungry, I beheld the Spits with some anger, and devoured the Fowls with my eyes; I had the patience to see the Supper dress’d, though I was not to be a Guest; and though I could not taste, yet I could smell the Victuals: I saw the Table spread, the Bottles of Wine brought out, & the Victuals placed on the Table, but just as they were going to sit down, one knock’d at the door; this somewhat startled them, but their confusion was greater, when the Maid asked who was at the door, understood it was her Master. They were all frighted and confounded, not knowing where to put the man, or the victuals, they had but little time to consider: There was but one little Chamber adjoyning where the maid lay, and under her Bed at length they laid him, and the Meat, Drink, and all the Appurtenances were placed in a Closet in the Chamber: This being done, and the Woman sitting down by the fire, the Master who was impatient with calling and knocking, was let in, and coming up stairs, his Wife rises from her seat, and cryes out, Oh dear Husband! Wellcome home, how glad am I to see you, especially in coming sooner than I expected. That is true, said the good man, I made haste and dispatched my Business, which being done, I took Horse and made all possible speed to come home to you, and indeed, I have rid full speed all this day; And very welcome you are, said she: But how come you to have so great a fire? said the Husband: Oh Love, said the Wife, I am troubled with the Belly-ake as passes, and I made this fire to warm Trenchers and clothes, to put to my Belly to ease me; and truely I think that this pain hath taken me with vexing at a paultrey business that happened this night; for here came a Soldier and said he must, and would quarter here, and it hath so angred and griev’d me, to think that a man must lodge here in your absence, that I think truly it hath brought my paine. I hearing this, thought it would be convenient for me ere long to appear, and therefore put on my Clothes, but still I gave attention to the end of their discourse, which was thus continued: Said the Husband, well, let that pass; but I pray let me have some Supper, for I have made such haste to day in travelling to come to you, that I am almost dead with hunger, wherefore I pray give me some Victuals. Victuals, replyed the woman, where do you think I should have it? Do you think I make feasting in your absence? Alas, my maid and I supp’d to night with each of us a Roasted Apple, I am sorry for that, replyed the Husband, and am very loath if I could help it, to go to Bed without a Supper, but what cannot be cured, must be endured. I hearing this, and believing it to be very proper for my design, being already dress’d, went down stairs, and knock’d at the door, which opened, I entred, and saluting my Landlord, prayed him to excuse me for disturbing his Wife, who had indeed refused to entertain me, till I had acquainted her with my Orders, which, lest he should distrust any thing to the contrary, I then pull’d out and shew’d him, and told him that I hoped his Wife could not complain of any incivility I had offered her. No truly, reply’d she. I having satisfi’d him in this, I told him that I understood that he had not supped no more than I, and therefore if he pleased I would give him and his Lady a Supper, for I had it in my power to accommodate them very plentifully. How is that possible? reply’d my Landlord, since it is so late, and nothing is to be had in the Town, and besides that it will be too late to dress any thing. I bid him take no care for that, but if he pleased he should be provided with victuals ready dresed provided he and his wife would both promise me secresie; they told me that they would do so, but he wondred, and she seemed to do so too, at what I intended to do; whereupon I told them I had a correspondency with Spirits, who would furnish me with what I desired, and thereupon taking a piece of Chalk, and making a Circle I Placed myself in it, made certain Figures about it, and taking a Staff in my hand, waved it about my head, and then I uttered many words which were onely conceited fustian stuff, which they understood not, nor I myself neither, and then proceeding I named a Spirit, and told him that he must quickly provide me a Supper for myself, my Landlord, and his Lady. I seemed to listen, and then told them that my Spirit was obedient, and nothing was wanting now but to know what they would have; I asked the question, but they answered, What I pleased: Bring then, said I, a Boyl’d Hen and Bacon, a Couple of Roasted Capons, a Dozen of Partridges, two Dozen of Larks, a Pippin Tart, with Oranges and Lemmons, and Fruit sufficient; Also bring us two Bottles of Canary and two of Claret; this was the Victuals I had seen provided, and therefore this I call’d for; and withal, said I, I charge thee not to appear in any horrible shape, so as to frighten my Landlord or Landlady, but dispatch quickly and set all down in the Closet of this Chamber. Having thus finisht my Inclination and paused a little, now, said I, open the door and there you shall see I am obeyed. The maid readily did as I commanded, and all was there in ample manner ready dress’d, to the great astonishment of my Landlord, but my Landlady, though she seem’d to be amazed, knew well enough that she was discovered, but as yet could not disaprove of what I had done. The meat being produced, the Table was spread and the provision placed thereon, and now all things being in readiness, I desired my Landlord and Landlady to take their places; at my request they did so, but my Landlord was mighty unwilling to eat, until he see me eat and commend the Victuals and Sauce, and I importuning him to taste, he did so, and my Landlady by his example consented to accompany us in the same employment: Having now done with one Dish, and my Landlord finding that to be good, by my example fell to another, and though he was somewhat cautious, yet he made a good Meal; I am sure I did not spare, but fed like a Farmer, and my Landlady was not at all behind hand, she well enough knowing, that though I told them it was dress’d under ground, yet she could contradict me but she durst not; the maid had her part too, and all were well enough content, except the poor Lawyer, who was both hungry and fearful, lest as I had discovered the meat, I would also discover the Caterer, but I minded no such matter, I thought as I had begun well, so to end, and I would not be so discourteous to him to make him fare ill, when by his means I had fared so well. We not onely eat lustily, but drank off ourour Wine cheerily, which was as good as ever tipp’d over Tongue, and for us three there was enough; and now at last my Landlord did own that the Meat and Sauce, Bread and Drink were all excellent good, and that if the Spirits could command so good Fare, they were more harmless and better company than he thought for: I told him my Spirit was still in his house, and expected my further Commands, therefore I desired to know whether he would have ought else e’re I discharged him? He told me, No: Then, replyed I, he shall descend; but since he hath done us so good service, I will, if you please, let you see him. Oh by no means Sir, said my Landlady, fearing I would discover her greatest Secrets. Rest contented, replyed I, for I am Master of more discretion that to disoblidge a Lady; assure your self it shall be otherwise than you imagine: my Landlord too was very fearful, but I assured him there should be no cause, and thereupon for the more easie management of what I intended, I ordered the Servant-maid to open the Street door, and all the other Doors of the House, that the Spirit might have the more freedom to depart, otherwise I told them he would raise a Tempest; and, continued I, he shall not appear in any horrid form, but in the habit of one of your Neighbors; having told them this, I thus began: Oh thou Spirit, who hast been unexpectedly disturbed, but hast so plentifully catered for us, come forth for I now give thee leave to go whither thou pleasest. The Lawyer who was but in the next room, and who had heard all passages, was not so sottish as to neglect this opportunity, but pulling his Hat over his face that he might go undiscovered, came forth of the room where he had been hid, and with a steady pace walked by us, going down stairs, and so leaving the house, whilst my LandladyLandlady in a trembling manner sate and beheld what had passed.