Mrs. Dorothy discourses of the several cheats of Drawers and Tapsters, inventing bad drink and small measure. The Host carries two men before the Justice, where he came off with the loss. He is out-witted by two Guests, but is revenged on them by the boyes assistance.

These were the frolicks we daily had at our house, which were commonly to the profit of mine Host; for whoever won or lost he went away with the profit and gain; and indeed his gain was very great both in his victuals and drink, for when wine was to be sold at eighteen pence the quart, we had two shillings or half a crown, and that we might not come within the compass of the law, to every bottle of Wine, a small plate of Olives was carried up, neither was this enough to have the price, but the Wine was generally mixt, and bad; and that the Guests might as well be cheated in quantity as quality, it was commonly sold in bottles, where we many times had two shillings or half a crown for a bottle of Wine that would not hold above a pinte and a half; and for instance, I will relate one little fine Cheat to that purpose: A Company of Gentlemen come to our house and call’d for Wine, which they drank off but liked not, wherefore they called the Drawer, and desiring another bottle told him that there was two faults in the Wine they had drank, the one that it was not so good as they expected, the other, that the bottle was not full measure; they therefore desired him to mend both the quality and quantity in the next, since they intended him, and always gave the best price, half a crown a bottle, he promised an amendment as to both, and so went down, and indeed was as good as his word, drawing the best wine in the Cellar, and that in a Bottle of the largest size; they thanked him and for his encouragement to continue honest to them they gave him a shilling, he pocketed the money and left them, they drank on and finding their wine good, called for more, which they had: But mark the falsness and ingratitude of this rascally Drawer, he in short time first changed their wine, and gave them worse, and not contented with that likewise cheated them of their measure, he carried a bottle of wine and filled a glass out of it, when one of the Gentlemen who was not yet so dim sighted but he could see somewhat of the intended cheat, cry’d hold Drawer, let me see that Glass and Bottle, and thereupon poured the wine into the bottle which was indifferent full but looking on the bottle, and seeing it was very small, he said: surely this Bottle does not hold a full quart, Oh Lord! Sir, said the Drawer, do you think I would wrong you? I do not know; replyed the Gentleman, but I much distrust it, you have no cause replyed the Drawer, for I am sure that bottle is full measure, what will you wager of that said the Gentleman? any thing you will, said the Drawer: But do you think I would put any tricks upon Gentlemen I have so great respect for, no surely? But said the Gentleman I must and will be satisfied, that you may quickly be, replyed the Drawer, for I will fetch a new sealed quart pot and measure it, this was agreed upon, and in short time up comes the Drawer with a quart pot in his hand, being come to the Table he takes the bottle and pours the wine out of that into the quart pot, which when looked upon was full as it ought to be, now said one to the Gentleman who complained, you have wronged the honest Drawer and must give him satisfaction for the abuse, truly replyed he, I was very much mistaken, and my mind still gives me that there is some cunning trick and cheat in this contrivance, and that it is not as it appears to be; truly replyed the Drawer, if you think I have done you any abuse you do me wrong, and besides the great respect I have for you who are my Masters best Customers, I know if I should attempt to wrong you, my Master would be much troubled and would not keep a Servant in his House that should do it; well for all this replyed the Gentleman, I pray let me see the bottle and quart pot, the Drawer delivered him the quart pot freely, but parted from the bottle with much unwillingness, but in fine the Gentleman had them both when presently he takes the quart pot and out of that filled the bottle, and then he found the Cheat, which was this; there was more than half a pint of wine left in the quart pot, how now, said the Gentleman who is wronged now, where lies the Cheat? The Drawer seeing himself found out and fearing he should be beaten replyed, I do not know, and so turn’d his back and left them; great was the admiration of the whole company, of the management of this cheat, but much more at the impudence of the Drawer; now they all perceived that the Drawer when he went down into the Cellar to bring up a quart pot, brought wine in it, and that above half a pint, the acting of the thing it self was not so much as the manner, that this knavish Drawer should be so impudent as to stand in it, and justifie it with language, when as if he had not been too confident, and so soon as he had put the wine into a quart pot had immediately gone away, he might have escaped undiscovered; but it was his fortune so to be found out to the great admiration of the whole company, who although they found themselves cheated, yet were hugely pleased with the manner, and made it their discourse in all Taverns they came into for a long time after; but I believe it was to as little purpose with others, as with our folks, for when any such tricks or cheats have been told in our house, our people would only give them the hearing, and seem to be astonished with the discourse, but be never a whit the better for it, but immediately upon the next opportunity do the same thing or as bad, and this was their constant practice; they would draw wine in glass bottles that were so thick at the bottom that when they were empty they were as heavy as if they were half full, and also batter’d pots that would not hold out measure, and sometimes would fill a pot not above three quarters full, and when the Drawer brought it in, he would presently fill out a glass, and stare them in the face as Juglers do when they are about their Hocus Pocus, slight of hand tricks, and so carry it off, and out of pretence to civility to fill the first glasses they would do it, but their end was quite different, it being only to deceive them and to hinder them from seeing the false measure that is brought them, which cannot be discovered when a glass or two is filled out.

Mine Host was finely caught one day with a pot not being filled: Two Old Country men coming to our house in a morning called for a quart of wine, the Drawer believing they were to be choused, brought up a quart pot, but it was little more than half full, he intended they should have it raw, but it being a cold morning, they bad him rost it, that is put it to the fire and burn it; he was now at a loss in not filling out the first glass, but not knowing how to help it, he did set it down before the fire, and I suppose, he intended to fill it up afterwards, but he forgetting that, and the old men being busie in discourse forgot to look to it, when on a sudden they look’d, and the pot was melted almost half way down, which was as far as there was no wine in it; with that the maid seeing it call’d out to them, what honest men do you melt your pot? Not we, said they, it is the fire, but you are like to pay for it, replyed the wench, that is when we do, said they, at this mine Host came up, the maid tells how that these two old men had been telling their Canterbury tales so long that the pot was melted, then they must pay for it said mine Host, for it was given to their charge; thereupon the Drawer was call’d, who likewise averred that he gave them the pot with the wine into their charge and custody, and that therefore they ought to look after it, and since it was damaged to pay for it. They replyed, they took no charge of it, neither did they touch it, but only ordered him, to burn it well: mine Host said they should pay, and they said they would not, whereupon he threatened them with a Justices Warrant; they were somewhat unwilling to be troubled, and were content to pay for the wine, and allow six pence more for mending the pot, mine Host replying that would not do, for it could not be mended, and he must have a new one; they seeing him so unreasonable, were content the Justice should decide the Controversie; wherefore before the Justice they went, and mine Host there made his Complaint that those two men had melted his quart pot, and refused to pay for it. The Justice perceiving where the matter lay, and that he told his tale wrong, desired the men to speak, who in plain terms told him they took no charge of the pot, but onely desired the Drawer to cause Wine to be burnt, that he had accordingly set it down by the fire, and without their handling or touching it, the pot was melted. So, said the Justice, and did neither of you drink of the Wine? No, not one drop, replyed the old men, and yet we offered to pay for the Wine, and give sixpence towards mending the pot. This is more than you shall need to do, said the Justice, & then he thuss proceeded to mine Host.

Friend, with what confidence can you demand any money of these men that had nothing of you? since you would not do them justice, I will; I do hereby acquit them from paying any thing for Wine, because they never had any; and for the melting the pot, how did they do it? It was not they, but your servant who drew the Wine, who had he filled the pot full of wine, the fire could not have melted it; for I very well understand that the pot was melted no further than it was empty: And further, continued the Justice, this shall not serve your turn, for I shall Fine you for not filling your pot; Your Crime is very apparent and evident, and so shall your punishment be, and I order you, as a Fine, to pay down Twenty shillings for your misdemeanor, or else I shall make your Mittimus, and send you to Prison. Thus was the Case altered, and the Tale was now of another Hog; for mine Host who expected satisfaction, was forced to give it, and that immediatly, or else go to Prison.

This went against the hair, but Necessity hath no Law, and therefore down he paid the money, and came home heartily vexed, not so much for the money he had paid, as for the disgrace he received; for he was now become the Town-talk: But however, since he could not help the disgrace, he was forced to be contented with that; but for his loss, he soon fetch’d it up either in false measures, Over-reckonings, or some such practises as I have told you. And besides these extraordinary gains he made by Drink, he had his ways to cheat in Victuals, he would reckon for a Dish of anchoves that stood him in ten pence, or a shilling, two shillings or half a Crown at the least; and carry them in a large Dish an inch asunder from one another. Whestphalia Ham of Bacon he would cut so thin, and make such a large show of a little meat, that he would reckon two shillings for that which stood him in two groats; nay, and sometimes be paid six pence for fouling of Linnen to it. A Neats-tongue of two shillings, he would reckon four shillings, or four shillings six pence for it, nay though they were cheated of part of it, as I remember he was caught in the manner about one. A Neat’s-tongue being call’d for, and carried in to the Guests, but first (as the manner is) it was slit down quite through the middle, and not barely so, but mine Hostess her self had gelded it, and cut off from each side a fine large slice, which she intended for some other Gentlemen in the House, to draw down th’other Bottle of wine. This Neats-tongue being carried to the Guests, one of them complained of the cutting it, saying, he had rather have had it whole; for (said he) there is less loss in cutting it in slices cross-ways than this. Why (said another) you may do so still, and thereupon he took the Tongue and clapt it together again, but it would not come close by above half an inch; and they discovered the place, where it had been pared, to look wide like a mouth: they perceiving the cheat, were resolv’d to try a little farther experiment, and therefore called in for mine Host, who with a Sit you merry Gentlemen came in: Landlord (said one) I pray what do you reckon for this Neats-Tongue? Not above four shillings, or four shillings sixpence, said he: I but that is too much reply’d the man, this is but a little one, and I think not a whole one. How! reply’d mine Host, not a whole one! that were a good jest indeed; I say tis a whole one, and a large one too. I’le wager a quart of Sack (said the Gentleman) that you are mistaken; Done, said mine Host: whereupon the Neats-Tongue was clapt together, and mine Host quickly saw that he had lost; he began to flounce and fluster, saying, that some of the company had done it; but leaving the Room, and going to his wife in the Kitchin, he soon found that he had lost indeed: the company being good guests to the house he was unwilling to displease them; wherefore he drew a quart of wine, went in and acknowledged his error, and paid for it, excusing the matter as well as he could, and they took all in good part. Thus was he sometimes caught, and paid for it; but not once in twenty times but he caught his guests, and made them pay for it. They would not only cheat their guests, but their own servants bellies; for except they had good trading, that the Servants might feed on the reversione of their guests dinners, they were like to go without, or at least have a poor one: she was very niggardly, and when they had salt fish, which was commonly once a week, she would allow them neither Oyl nor Butter, but only Mustard, but she was broken of that custom in this manner; after they had one day din’d with fish, drest as I tell you, down stairs went one servant, then another, and so one after another they all dropt away and went into the Cellar; where when they were come, the Drawer said, now to our old Custom, that is, since we have had no oyl nor butter, to our fish, we will soak it in sack, my friends, and that of the best, every one his half pint, and so away to our business: mine Host having some business with some of the servants, and finding them all missing, went to the Cellar door, and there he not only heard this proposition made by the Drawer, but saw it also confirmed and executed; whereupon he went to his wife, and commanded her for the future to allow his servants not onely oyl with their mustard to their salt fish, but butter and eggs too if they would have it, and so they had for the future. I have known mine Host sell and take money for one Joynt of meat twice, in this manner: when a Feast hath been above stairs, Joynts of Meat, and Fowles that have hardly been touched, have been brought down and sold to guests below, as fresh brought from the fire, at a very good rate: indeed no opportunity hath been omitted, to gain money. There was a pretty passage hapned about a couple of guests, that upon occasion lay there two or three nights together; thus it was: two men came one night to lodge, and being not well in health, it having been cold and rainy, they desired a good fire in their Chamber, which they had without any supper, or any drink, but a quart of burnt wine, and so they went to bed: the next day proving cold and rainy and their business not being very urgent, they continued there, and kept their Chamber, with little victuals, and as little drink; but however they kept a good fire, and mine Host seeing they had little else but fireing, was resolved he would get sufficiently by that, and therefore the next morning when they call’d to know what was to pay, he reckoned them ten shillings for fireing for two nights and one day: this demand they thought was very unreasonable, but, they knew that they could not help themselves, for he would have what he demanded; and besides, to say truth, firing was very scarce and dear in that Country: the two Travellers paid their shot, and intended to leave the house, but the weather proved so cold and stormy, they could not; wherefore they were forced to stay; but they resolved withall to be better Husbands of their fireing than they had been, but could not tell how, till in the end looking about the house they saw a great old fashion’d Bed-stead, that lay useless in a Hole: they not telling for what use, asked my Landlord the price of it, who not dreaming of their purpose, in few words sold it to them for five shillings; when they had bought it, they hired a fellow for one shilling to cut it in pieces fit for fireing; and now being furnished with fewel, they resolved to keep a good fire which they did, and calling for mine Host, and a quart of wine, bad him welcome to their good Husbandry; for the wood they had bought of the bed-stead was as much agen as they had paid ten shillings for, wherefore they made a good fire, and sung old rose in the gun-room. Mine Host being thus beaten at his own weapons, and his own Goods by himself sold to his loss, was somewhat netled, and discovered his anger to his servants. Master (said the unhappy boy) if you please I’le be revenged of them: do if you can (said the Master) not doing mischief. The boy having a commission, was not long e’re he put it in execution; for joyning another Servant in confederacy with him, they went that evening to wait on the two guests, when among other matters they talked of spirits and apparitions; quoth the boy, we are often troubled with them here, and especially in this Chamber: I am sorry for that (said one of our Travellers) for I am very fearful of any such things: and thus the boy possed them with fear of that which he intended and executed; for about midnight he and his confederate took a Calf out of the Cow-house, and tying his four legs together, but so as he might not only stand, but go a little; they put him into our Travellers chamber, and there waited the event; it was not long e’re the Calf began to pace it about the Room, making an unusual noise; and in this manner he continued stampingstamping till both our Travellers were awake, who hearing the noise, were possessed with fear and astonishment, supposing it to be a spirit that was told them of: thereupon they shrunk close into the bed for fear; the noise continuing, and no harm or danger coming to them, at length one of them consented to rise and light a candle to see what was the matter; a candle was found, and some remains of fire being still in the chimney, thither he went: and stooping down fell a blowing with his mouth to light the candle, the Calf seeing a light, went thitherwards, and espying somewhat that was pendulous between the Travellers Legs, and taking it to be his Mother Cows Teat, thrust his chaps thitherwards, and seizing it in his mouth, fell full lustily to sucking, the Traveller perceiving himself caught by the Members, and not knowing by what, and being in fear of losing them, fell a roaring very loud, to the great sorrow and grief of his bed-fellow, and as great joy of our unhappy Boy and his Confederate.