The Maid is out-witted by a Country Fellow in an eateing wager, and so is her Master, mine Host; who makes himself whole again by another eating wager. Three Women drink off eighteen Gallons of Rhenish Wine at one sitting, and the manner how.

Mrs. Dorothy pausing, and we laughing, gave her the conveniency to consider of what she was to say further; wherefore in short time she thus proceeded.

The poor Wench was at a great loss, to think that the Guests must loose their dinner; and she could not for a long time think how this came about, nor distrust that the boy had been concerned in it; but at length, the mist being removed, her eyes were opened, and she believed the boy to be the Authour of this mischief. But since it was done, and what was past could not be prevented or helped; she bethought her self how to proceed; and therefore, her Mistress coming into the Kitchin, and seeing the state of the matter, they likewise called me and the Daughter, to assist in the remedy; whilst the Wench made the fire good, we fell to washing the Fowls from the fowleness which the Cinders and Ashes had caused; but when that was done, we had a further and more tedious work, to pick out several corns of powder that were fastned into the skins of the Fowls; at length, with many hands, we likewise performed this work, and with an hours loss, the Dinner was in as much forwardness as it had been; and at length, it was dressed and eaten; but the Guests tasting, and seeing some remains of the Gun-powder, my Host excused it well enough, by telling them that those Fowles were shot by an accident.

Thus was the Dinner eaten, and much Wine drank off before the boy returned; but so soon as he came in, mine Host took him by the hand, and led him into the room where the Guests were still a drinking: and first desireing silence, and then their pardon, he told them this was the Gunner, that had shot all those Fowls they had eaten, at one shot; how, said they, he is an excellent marks-man: yes truly, said mine Host, but he had a strange kind of instrument to do this Execution; and I pray, Gentlemen, do you examine him how it was done.

The Guests thinking there was somewhat in the matter that was pleasant, desired the boy to acquaint them with it; he seeing how matters went, and believing no harm would come to him, in plain terms told them all; they were strangely pleased with the boyes discourse; and he having told them the manner how he did it, they desired to know the cause, wherefore; to this he replyed, it was because the maid had cheated him of his Dinner, by letting the Jack to go, as I told you.

The rehearsal of that Adventure pleased them as much as the other; and the maid was call’d in, who confessing all that the boy had told them, the Guests made them Friends, and gave money to each of them; advising the Wench not by any means to fall out with the boy, and so they dismissed them.

Thus had we much pleasure by Adventures, which every day fell out between this boy and some body or other, but I will leave that, to tell you of somewhat else, as considerable and pleasant. Our Cook-maid, though she were pretty cunning and witty; was yet sometimes out-witted; for one day, an ordinary Country fellow came into the Kitchin; and calling for a Flaggon of beer, sate down by the fire to drink it and thus he began with the Wench: Here is good drink at your house, but I wonder you are not as well provided with Victuals; why, said she, so we are, for here is good meat at the fire, shewing him a piece of roast beef, that weighed above a stone; yes, said he again, the meat may be good, but there is but a little of it, there is enough for you, replyed she; no, but there is not, said he; how, said she, can you eat all this? Yes, that I can, said he; I’le lay a wager of that, said she; what you dare, said the man, she would have the wager be a quart of wine (for she was resolved against money wagers) nay, said the Man, a pint is enough for me with this meat, and so much will I lay: She thinking, that the less she layd the less she should lose, if she lost, and being very desirous to see this great wager of eating performed, agreed to his Terms, and thereupon he fell too lustily, and did eat considerably, but far short of all, so that he consented his wager to be lost, and the pint of wine was called for; he seizing on it first, put it to his nose, and drank all off; and throwing down six pence for his pint of wine, and two pence for his pot of beer, was departing, when her Mistress, mine Hostess, enters the Kitchin, and seeing the fellow departing, asked who must pay for the meat? Not I, said the fellow; Nor I, said the wench, so that a controversie arose between them; but mine Host and some company coming in, ended it, by ajudging, that since the Country-man called for no meat, it was not fit he should pay for it, and he not paying, the maid must, which she presently did it, but was laughed at for her folly. But she was not the only over-reach’d person in the house, for it was not long ere mine Host himself was finely caught.

There came three men, who although they were neighbours, and famous for eating, yet mine Host not knowing them, they thus over-reach’d him: they came to sup, and lye there that night, and therefore went into the Kitchin to see what was for Supper. There was Capons, Pidgeons, and Sparagus: Very good meat, said they: Now, mine Host, what shall we give you a peice for our supper of these three sorts of victuals? He asked, how much they would have drest: they asked him the same question, How much he would dress: Why, said he, I will dress three Capons, three dozen of Pidgeons, and fifteen hundred of Sparagus. Very good, said they: but if this be not enough, we expect to have more. That you shall, said he; but you shall sup first, and I hope there will be enough for my self and family, when you have done. For that, you must adventure it, said they; Well now, your price? Said mine Host, I will have three shillings four pence a piece, that is, ten shillings in all. Content, said they; Make haste that we may drink afterwards. Thus was the Bargain made up, and the Fowls laid down to the fire. In the mean time the three Travellors fetched a walk, to get them (as they said) a stomack to their Supper; which in convenient time being ready, and they returned, they thus began; each of the three took, each of them, a Capon whole on their trenchers; and cutting them into pieces, they made one mouthful of each wing, another of each leg; and scraping all the meat from the Carcass, into two or three mouth-fuls, the Capons were invisible; then they drank each his cup of Claret, to whet their appetites; that being done, they fell to the Pidgeons, and cutting each Pidgeon into four quarters, they eat them, bones and all, at four bits; and then they drank again, and fell to the Sparagus, which was in short time bestowed where the rest of the victuals was; mine Host seeing them so quick at their work, stared at them, and they calling for another glass of wine drank to him, and told him, that he must provide more victuals, or lose his wager, he being angry at both their propositions, at length thought it was better to let them have more meat, than not to be paid for what they had, and be laughed at into the Bargain; wherefore he replyed, they should have enough; and calling for the Cook-maid, commanded her to dress the same quantity of victuals; she staring on the Guests, they bad her go down, and make haste for they wanted their supper: down she went, and did accordingly; and whilst supper was dressing, they walked and smoak’d, in their Chamber. In time the other course, consisting of three Capons, three dozen of Pigeons, and fifteen hundred of Sparagus was brought up, and in as little time as before it was eaten up, as the former had been to the great cost, loss, and confusion of mine Host; who stared now worse than he had done; but however he again asked them, if they would have any more; to this they readily replyed, Yes. He again called, and the Cook maid being come up, was commanded to dress the same quantity again, and that quickly: She replyed, she could not, for all the Fowl that was killed, was eaten; and it would be a great while, ere she could kill, pull and dress the like quantity; besides, there was no more Sparagus then to be had; they told mine Host they must have their bargain, or he lose his wager: he replyed, if he could not furnish them with that, yet they might have of any other sort of victuals: they said, they would have that, or none, or else a third way, come to composition, to this mine Host gave ear, and asked what composition: they told him, that indeed though they could give a dispatch to more victuals, yet they would for once forbear further eating, and exchange their victuals for drink: so they reckoned what their other mess of victuals might come to, which being computed to ten shillings, they desired ten shillings worth of wine. Mine Host shook his head at this and said, they did him too hard, which they confessing, and a little further discoursing on, it was agreed that they should have each of them a quart of Canary, in full satisfaction of the wager: this they had, this they drank off, and so went to bed, where they slept more soundly then mine Host, who with all his Family went supperless to bed; and he was extreamly vex’d, that he should be out-witted and over-reached by three Bumpkins; but what could not be cured must be endured; it was but a folly to complain, self do, self have, and now he remember’d the wager between the Cook-maid and Country-man, and had no cause to laugh at her anymore. Night being spent, part in sleep, and part in these cogitations, he arose, and so did his guests, who honestly paid their shot, though not half so much as their reckoning came to; and at departure they told him, that if ever he had occasion for an eating wager, if he would send for any of them, they would do their weak endeavours to assist him as much to his gain as this had been to his loss; and thereupon acquainted him with the places of their dwellings, they departed: and indeed, it was not long ere he had occasion to make use of them; for a Person of Quality, being to travel our Road, sent his boy before to our house to bespeak a Supper; the boy, having mistook his Master in his direction, instead of a couple of Capons, and a dozen of Larks, which he had ordered him to bespeak, he bespeak, a dozen of Capons, and a Couple of Larks, mine Host did somewhat distrust the boy for his directions, when he spake of a couple of Larks, and told him surely he was mistaken, he must have two dozen of Larks; no, said the boy, my Master is but a small eater, and the dozen of Capons and the two Larks will be enough for him and his Company, which is but one Gentleman, besides himself; well, replyed mine Host, however I’le provide two dozen of Larks; and if your Master will not eat them, I’le have them my self; to this the boy consented, and the fowls were ordered to be dressed accordingly: mine Host was very sensible of the mistake, and that the Boy should have bespoke but two Capons, and a dozen of Larks; but however, the boy being so confident that it was a dozen of Capons, he was resolved to dress them, and that his Master should pay for them; but lest they should be left on his hands, and deducted for, he bethought on a way to have them dispatched; wherefore he dispatched away a boy to one of his three Capon and Pidgeon eaters, desiring him to favour him so far, as to come that evening to his house; for he did believe he might do him a kindness in some affairs relating to the teeth and guts. The Country man was at home, and came at his time: but before he came, the Master of the boy came thither, and asking what was for Supper, was answered, a dozen of Capons, and two dozen of Larks; and for whom is all this provision? said the Gentleman. For your worship, said mine Host: how so, said the Gentleman, by whose order? by your servants, replyed mine Host; and thereupon the boy being called, sirrah, said his Master, what orders did I give you about my supper? Sir, said the boy, I believe there is a mistake, and so I told mine Host. For I only bespake a dozen of Capons, and a couple of Larks; and he said, it was too little, and that he would dress two dozen of Larks. The Gentleman and his Friend laughed at the Boyes mistake, and excuse; and mine Host said, that he thought two dozen of Larks was little enough for one dozen of Capons. That is true, said the Gentleman; but I ordered the boy to bespeak only a couple of Capons, and a dozen of Larks. You see said mine Host, It is not my mistake, and I did nothing but was reasonable. I but, said the Gentleman, it is unreasonable to think, that we two and the boy can eat so much as you have provided for us; not so unreasonable neither, as you think, Sir, replyed mine Host; for I’le lay a good wager, that I’le produce one man, that can, and will eat up all the Capons himself; how, said the Gentleman? I’le never believe that, and I’le lay twenty shillings of it, and venture my Supper; done, said mine Host; done, said the Gentleman; and so both their moneys were laid into the other Gentlemans hand. Thus was this wager concluded of and mine Host went to his Teeth and Gut-Champion, who attended the sport; he told him the wager; to that he shook his head, and said it was a hard task; but he would strive to serve him. Supper being ready, it was Ushered in by mine Host, leading his Champion by the hand; who, after due reverance to the Company, sits down; and the meat being placed on the board, the wager was again recited; and it was further agreed, that the Champion might have what drink he would call for; and thereupon he began to use his teeth, and the rest of the Company their eyes, to behold the manner how he made so quick a dispatch of his Victuals. I told you already how, and in that manner he did eat; but now being to do much, he took more time than ordinary; but in time, ten of the twelve were made invisible, being put into our Gut-mongers Christmas Cup-board, and the eleventh was on his Trencher, and part of it sent down his belly, when mine Host looked on him with a more than curious eye, and discovered somewhat of discontent, which caused him to cry out, Come Friend! bear up, and here’s to you; thank you, replyed the Eater; and taking the drink from mine Host, he whispering him in the ear, said; You have lost, I can eat no more. How, said the Gentleman, what sayes he? Nothing, said mine Host, but that he is sure you have lost, for he can eat a dozen more: How, replyed the Gentle-man, but by my faith he shall not, for i’le have this my self for my Supper: and thereupon he seized on the twelfth Capon, and laying it on his Trencher, cuts it in peices, and gives to his Friend. Nay then, said mine Host, I see you agree the wager to be mine: yes, replyed the Gentleman, I had better do so, than fill his belly, and lose my own supper; and thereupon the money was given to mine Host; who now, meerly by his quickness of wit in thinking, and confidence in speaking so contrary to the Eaters saying, won the wager; and, which was most, saving his own credit, and that of his Champion, who clearly confessed, that the wager was in great danger to be lost.

Thus did mine Host get as much as he lost by the former wager, and the Gentleman was well pleased at the loss of his; and all parties being contented, they went to bed, and next day parted.

And now, continued Mrs. Dorothy, that my hand is in, I’le tell you one Story more of the like nature, and so conclude with this eating discourse.

It was not long ere some Company came to the House, and in the Company three Women, who were good girls, absolute Bona Roba’s, they had a great desire to drink Rhenish wine, and therefore asked if we had any? Mine Host told them yes, he had a Runlet of eighteen Gallons newly come in, and it was excellent good; the women said that would hardly serve one sitting: no said one of the Gentle-men surely it will: they said no, they would wager that they themselves could drink it off at one sitting. The Gentleman told them that if they would, he would not only pay for it, but also give unto each of them forty shillings, to buy a new Petticoat; this they agreed to, nay, they said they would not rise from their seats e’re it was done, provided they might have Anchoves, and Neats-tongues, and such like victuals to intermix: this was agreed on, and that they might the more conveniently do their business, they had each of them an empty Butter-firkin with the head knock’d off, and so taking up their Coates, they laid their bare bums on the firkins, thus they sate, and thus they drank, sometimes eating and other whiles talking, so that in four hours time, all the wine was drank off, and if they had occasion to evacuate, they did that without trouble sitting as they did on butter-firkins.