William Carew Hazlitt

Enter Hog the usurer; with Peter Servitude, trussing his points.

Hog. What, hath not my young Lord Wealthy been here this morning?

P. Ser. No, in very deed, sir; he is a towardly young gentleman; shall he have my young mistress, your daughter, I pray you, sir?

Hog. Ay, that he shall, Peter; she cannot be matched to greater honour and riches in all this country: yet the peevish girl makes coy of it, she had rather affect a prodigal; as there was Haddit, one that by this time cannot be otherwise than hanged, or in some worse estate; yet she would have had him: but I praise my stars she went without him, though I did not without his lands. 'Twas a rare mortgage, Peter.

P. Ser. As e'er came in parchment: but see, here comes my young lord.

Enter Young Lord Wealthy.

Y. Lord W. Morrow, father Hog; I come to tell you strange news; my sister is stol'n away to-night, 'tis thought by necromancy. What necromancy is, I leave to the readers of the "Seven Champions of Christendom."[375]

Hog. But is it possible your sister should be stolen? sure, some of the household servants were confederates in't.

Y. Lord W. Faith, I think they would have confessed, then; for I am sure my lord and father hath put them all to the bastinado twice this morning already: not a waiting-woman, but has been stowed, i' faith.

P. Ser. Trust me, he says well for the most part.

Hog. Then, my lord, your father is far impatient.

Y. Lord W. Impatient! I ha' seen the picture of Hector[375] in a haberdasher's shop not look half so furious; he appears more terrible than wildfire at a play. But, father Hog, when is the time your daughter and I shall to this wedlock-drudgery?

Hog. Troth, my lord, when you please; she's at your disposure, and I rest much thankful that your lordship will so highly honour me. She shall have a good portion, my lord, though nothing in respect of your large revenues. Call her in, Peter; tell her my most respected Lord Wealthy is here, to whose presence I will now commit her [Exit Peter]; and I pray you, my lord, prosecute the gain of her affection with the best affecting words you may, and so I bid good morrow to your lordship.
[Exit Hog.

Y. Lord W. Morrow,[377] father Hog. To prosecute the gain of her affection with the best affecting words; as I am a lord, a most rare phrase! well, I perceive age is not altogether ignorant, though many an old justice is so.

Enter Peter Servitude.

How now, Peter, is thy young mistress up yet?

P. Ser. Yes, indeed, she's an early stirrer; and I doubt not hereafter but that your lordship may say, she's abroad before you can rise.

Y. Lord W. Faith, and so she may, for 'tis long ere I can get up, when I go foxed to bed. But, Peter, has she no other suitors besides myself?

P. Ser. No, and it like your lordship; nor is it fit she should.

Y. Lord W. Not fit she should? I tell thee, Peter, I would give away as much as some knights are worth, and that's not much, only to wipe the noses of some dozen or two of gallants, and to see how pitifully those parcels of men's flesh would look, when I had caught the bird which they had beaten the bush for.

P. Ser. Indeed, your lordship's conquest would have seemed the greater.

Y. Lord W. Foot, as I am a lord, it angers me to the guts, that nobody hath been about her.

P. Ser. For anything I know, your lordship may go without her.

Y. Lord W. An' I could have enjoyed her to some pale-faced lover's distraction, or been envied for my happiness, it had been somewhat.

Enter Rebecca, Hog's daughter.

But see where she comes! I knew she had not power enough to stay another sending for. O lords! what are we? our names enforce beauty to fly, being sent for. [Aside.] Morrow, pretty Beck: how dost?

Reb. I rather should enquire your lordship's health, seeing you up at such an early hour. Was it the toothache, or else fleas disturbed you?

Y. Lord W. Do you think I am subject to such common infirmities? Nay, were I diseased, I'd scorn but to be diseased like a lord, i' faith. But I can tell you news, your fellow virgin-hole player,[378] my sister, is stolen away to-night.

Reb. In truth. I am glad on't; she is now free from the jealous eye of a father. Do not ye suspect, my lord, who it should be that has carried her away?

Y. Lord W. No, nor care not; as she brews, so let her bake; so said the ancient proverb. But, lady, mine that shall be, your father hath wished[379] me to appoint the day with you.

Reb. What day, my lord?

Y. Lord W. Why, of marriage; or as the learned historiographer[380] writes, Hymen's holidays, or nuptial ceremonious rites.

Reb. Why, when would you appoint that, my lord?

Y. Lord W. Why, let me see, I think the tailor may despatch all our vestures in a week: therefore, it shall be directly this day se'ennight.

P. Ser. God give you joy!

Reb. Of what, I pray, you impudence? This fellow will go near to take his oath that he hath seen us plight faiths together; my father keeps him for no other cause than to outswear the truth. My lord, not to hold you any longer in a fool's paradise, nor to blind you with the hopes I never intend to accomplish, know, I neither do, can, or will love you.

Y. Lord W. How! not love a lord? O indiscreet young woman! Indeed, your father told me how unripe I should find you: but all's one, unripe fruit will ask more shaking before they fall than those that are; and my conquest will seem the greater still.
[Aside.]

P. Ser. Afore God, he is a most unanswerable lord, and holds her to't, i' faith.

Y. Lord W. Nay, you could not have pleased me better, than seeing you so invincible, and of such difficult attaining to. I would not give a pin for the society of a female that should seem willing; but give me a wench that hath disdainful looks;

Reb. The fool's well-read in vice. [Aside.] My lord, I hope you hereafter will no farther insinuate in the course of your affections; and, for the better withdrawing from them, you may please to know, I have irrevocably decreed never to marry.

Y. Lord W. Never to marry! Peter, I pray bear witness of her words that, when I have attained her, it may add to my fame and conquest.

Reb. Yes, indeed, an't like your lordship.

Y. Lord W. Nay, ye must think, Beck, I know how to woo; ye shall find no bashful university-man of me.

Reb. Indeed, I think y' had ne'er that bringing up. Did you ever study, my lord?

Y. Lord W. Yes, faith, that I have, and, the last week too, three days and a night together.

Reb. About what, I pray?

Y. Lord W. Only to find out why a woman, going on the right side of her husband in the daytime, should lie on his left side at night; and, as I am a lord, I never knew the meaning on't till yesterday. Malapert, my father's butler, being a witty jackanapes, told me why it was.

Reb. By'r Lady, my lord, 'twas a shrewd study, and I fear hath altered the property of your good parts; for, I'll assure you, I loved you a fortnight ago far better.

Y. Lord W. Nay, 'tis all one, whether you do or no: 'tis but a little more trouble to bring ye about again; and no question, but a man may do't, I am he. 'Tis true, as your father said, the black ox hath not trod upon that foot of yours.

Reb. No, but the white calf hath; and so I leave your lordship.
[Exit Rebecca.

Y. Lord W. Well, go thy ways, th' art as witty a marmalade-eater as ever I conversed with. Now, as I am a lord, I love her better and better; I'll home and poetise upon her good parts presently. Peter, here's a preparative to my farther applications; and, Peter, be circumspect in giving me diligent notice what suitors seem to be peeping.

P. Ser. I'll warrant you, my lord, she's your own; for I'll give out to all that come near her that she is betrothed to you; and if the worst come to the worst, I'll swear it.

Enter Old Lord Wealthy, solus.

Enter Young Lord Wealthy.

Y. Lord W. Sir, I cannot find my sister.

Y. Lord W. How, father! is it not possible that wisdom should be found out by ignorance? I pray, then, how do many magnificoes come by it?

Y. Lord W. Then wisdom must sit as mute as learning among many courtiers. But, father, I partly suspect that Carracus hath got my sister.

O. Lord W. With child, I fear, ere this.

Y. Lord W. By'r Lady, and that may be true. But, whether he has or no, it's all one: if you please, I'll take her from under his nose, in spite on's teeth, and ask him no leave.

Y. Lord W. Troth, and I wish so too; for, in my mind, he's a gentleman of a good house, and speaks true Latin.

Y. Lord W. I am sure my sister will be glad to hear it, and I cannot blame her; for she'll then enjoy that with quietness which many a wench in these days does scratch for.

Enter Haddit, in his gay apparel, making him ready, and with him Lightfoot.

Had. By this light, coz, this suit does rarely! The tailor that made it may hap to be saved, an't be but for his good works: I think I shall be proud of 'em, and so I was never yet of any clothes.

Light. How! not of your clothes? why then you were never proud of anything, for therein chiefly consisteth pride; for you never saw pride pictured but in gay attire.

Had. True; but, in my opinion, pride might as well be portrayed in any other shape, as to seem to be an affecter of gallantry, being the causes thereof are so several and divers. As, some are proud of their strength, although that pride cost them the loss of a limb or two by over-daring; likewise, some are proud of their humour, although in that humour they be often knocked for being so; some are proud of their drink, although that liquid operation cause them to wear a nightcap three weeks after; some are proud of their good parts, although they never put them to better uses than the enjoying of a common strumpet's company, and are only made proud by the favour of a waiting-woman; others are proud——

Light. Nay, I prythee, coz, enough of pride; but when do you intend to go yonder to Covetousness the usurer, that we may see how near your plot will take for the releasing of your mortgaged lands?

Had. Why, now presently; and, if I do not accomplish my projects to a wished end, I wish my fortunes may be like some scraping tradesman, that never embraceth true pleasure till he be threescore and ten.

Light. But say Hog's daughter, on whom all your hopes depend, by this be betrothed to some other.

Had. Why, say she were; nay more, married to another, I would be ne'er the farther from effecting my intents. No, coz, I partly know her inward disposition; and, did I but only know her to be womankind, I think it were sufficient.

Light. Sufficient for what?

Had. Why, to obtain a grant of the best thing she had, chastity. Man, 'tis not here as 'tis with you in the country, not to be had without father's and mother's goodwill; no, the city is a place of more traffic, where each one learns by example of their elders to make the most of their own, either for profit or pleasure.

Light. 'Tis but your misbelieving thoughts make you surmise so: if women were so kind, how haps you had not by their favours kept yourself out of the claws of poverty?

Had. O, but, coz, can a ship sail without water? had I had but such a suit as this to set myself afloat, I would not have feared sinking. But come, no more of need; now to the usurer: and though

Light. But then yourself must able be in giving.
[Exeunt.

Enter Albert, solus.

Enter Servingman.

Ser. To what intent d'ye knock, sir?

Alb. Because I would be heard, sir: is the master of this house within?

Ser. Yes, marry is he, sir: would you speak with him?

Ser. Both are exceeding well, sir.

Alb. I'm truly glad on't: farewell, good friend.

Ser. I pray you, let's crave your name, sir; I may else have anger.

Alb. You may say one Albert, riding by this way, only inquired their health.