S we saw at ivverybody else'at had come bi th' same train wor runnin fit to braik ther necks for fear they should'nt be able to find lodgins, an' as awd heeard at th' city wor full we made a bit ov a rush. Billy walked as briskly as if he'd been four stooan leeter, an' for owt aw know he wor. "Aw pitie'd some o' th' fowk at wor on that booat," aw sed.

"Well, aw dooant pity them mich, for they need'nt ha been on unless they liked, but aw did pity th' fish, for they'll be a sickly lot this mornin aw should fancy," an' he fairly chuckled at th' nooation.

"Nah then, what sooart ov a spot mun we steer for? Had we better try some quiet respectable shop or mun we goa in for a place right up to Dick an' run th' risk o' what it costs?"

"Its noa use axin me; do whativver tha's a mind it'll be reight to me."

Just as we turned a corner aw saw a sign up 'Cafe' du nord,' an' on th' winder wor painted i' big yollo letters, English spoken, this is th' shop for us, aw says, if thers raam, soa aw went in an' Billy follered an' a young woman at seemed as if shoo'd been dipped i' bacca-watter an' dried in a hurry, coom to meet us—"Gooid mornin, Mistress," aw sed.

"Commyvoo portyvoo," shoo sed.

"Aw dooant parleyvoo, awm throo Yorksher; cannot yo spaik plain English?"

"Jenny compronpa."

"Aw can mak' nowt o' this lot, Billy, if that's th' sooart o' English they tawk here awst nivver be able to understand it."

"Come on an' lets leeav her, shoo's nooan reight in her heead! aw dooant believe shoo knows what shoo's sayin.

"Shoo'll happen understand better if awm moor perlite—Have, you,—a—bedroom?"

"Betroooom! Ha! wee! Chamberacostrah? wee, wee!"

"Nay awm nooan one o' that sooart aw want one to misen."

"Jenny compronpa."

"Jenny's noa need to come for if shoo's noa hansomer nor thee aw wod'nt touch her wi' th' tangs!"

We wor just gooin aght when up comes a tallo faced chap at lukt as if th' smell ov a cookshop wod'nt hurt him, so aw thowt awd have another try—French this time,—"Parleyvoo English mouse ear." "Hi," he sed, "what is it tha wants?"

"E'e! gow! lad! but awm fain to see thi. Are ta th' maister?"

"Hi, aw wish aw wornt; yo could'nt mak' my wife understand yo aw reckon?"

"Is that her? well, ther's noa accaantin for taste—for aw should'nt care for livin' i' this country at all if aw wor yo," aw sed, for awd ommost made a mess on it, "can we have two beds for a few neets an' a bit o' summat to ait if we want it?"

"Can we get summat to sup?" sed Billy, "awm ommost dried up."

"Caffy-o-lay? Bordoo? Bass's bottled ale, or owt yo like."

"Caffyolaybordoo be hanged! let's ha some ale," sed Billy, an' he sooin browt two bottles, an' when he'd filled a glass Billy tuk it but he nobbut just tasted on it an' put it daan agean.

"Is ther summat matter wi it?" sed th' maister.

"Nay, aw dooant know at ther is,—it nobbut wants a bit o' ginger an' sewgar an' a pinch o' nutmug an' it'll mak' varry nice spiced drink. Do yo allussell it warm like that?"

"Yo connat help it gettin warm in a country like this unless yo keep it i' ice an' aw neer bother for ther's nubdy grummels, for they dooant know th' difference—Its a hot shop is this aw can tell yo, an' yo'll be luckier nor th' mooast if yo dooant find summat a deeal warmer nor that befoor yo've been long."

"Well, but tha'rt an' Englishman an' owt to ha moor sense—why, when awm brewin aw let it keel below that befoor aw set on."

"Tha says reight when tha says awm an' Englishman, at onnyrate awm a Brummagem when awm at hooam, an' aw hooap it weant be long befoor awm back. But what are we to get for yor braikfast?"

We ordered some coffee an' eggs an' a beefsteak an' wol we wor gettin it, aw ax'd him ha it wor he seem'd soa dissatisfied wi th' place?

"Th' place ud do weel enuff if ther wor owt to be made at it, but ther isnt hauf as monny fowk as what ther's accomodation for, aw've lost a gooid bit o' brass sin aw coom an' if yo ax other fowk they'll tell yo th' same tale."

When we'd finished he tuk us up a corkscrew staircase an' showed us two raams—they wor cleean, thers noa denyin' that, an' they wor furnished, after a fashion—part Parisian an' pairt Brummagem—aw should think what wor in em booath had'nt been bowt for a penny less nor thirty shillin', but ther wor white lace curtains up to th' winders an' they lukt varry weel throo th' aghtside an' that wor all at mattered. We booath on us wanted a wesh, an' on a little table we'd each on us a cream jug an' sugar basin, an' we had to mak th' best on em; thear wor noa feear on us sloppin' ony watter abaat, for if we had ther'd ha been nooan left. After dippin' us finger ends in we rubbed us faces ovver an' tryin' to believe at we wor a deeal better for th' trouble we started for a luk raand aghtside. Aw thowt Billy lukt varry glum agean an' as he did'nt offer to tell me th' reason aw axd him if ther wor owt'at had'nt suited him?

"Ther's nowt'at has suited me soa far, an' what's moor nor that ther's net likely to be—an' to mend matters when aw come to luk i' mi box, awm blessed if aw hav'nt come withaat a cleean shirt."

"Why," aw says, "ther's a shop across th' rooad at sells em soa tha can easily mak that reight," soa we went inside an' aw tell'd him as plain as iwer aw could spaik'at we wanted a shirt, an' aw pointed to his mucky dicky. "Wee, wee," he sed, an' jabbered away, an' Billy tawked back to him like a man, an' gave him sich a karacter i' broad Yorsher as awm sewer he wod'nt want i' writin' if he wor lukkin aght for a fresh shop. Th' ticket wor easy to read soa Billy paid him six francs an' walked away wi it in a breet green paper box, an' we turned back to us lodgins for him to put it on. He had'nt been up stairs long befoor aw thowt one ov his bilious attacks had come on agean—"Sammy!" he bawled aght, "come here!" soa aw went to see what wor to do.

"Luk thear! What does yond chap tak us for? Awm in a gooid mind to tak this back an' shove it daan his throit! Is ther owt like a woman abaat me, thinks ta?"

Thear it wor reight enuff, printed on th' box i' big letters, "Chemise." "Well, he's varry likely made a mistak, here mistress!" aw sed as shoo wor just passin th' door, "shirt—he wants a shirt an' they've seld him a shift." Shoo lifted her e'e broos ommost to th' top ov her heead an' lukt at th' box an' then shoo pointed to his dicky an' sed, "Chemise! wee, wee."

"Shoo's war nor a guinea pig, wi her ivverlastin' 'wee wee,'" sed Billy, an' he wor shuttin' th' box up agean but shoo coom up an' tuk it aght an' awm blowed if it wornt a shirt after all. After that we decided to goa to th' Exhibition an' spend th' furst day thear—but as Billy wor detarmined net to walk an' wod call at ivvery shop'at had one o' Bass's or Alsop's cards ith' winder it tuk us wol after dinnertime to get thear, but it wornt after th' time'at we could do wi a dinner for all that, but ther wor soa mich to see wol aitin seem'd ommost aght o' th' question—even Billy, although he wor walkin up an daan oppen maath seemed to ha forgetten to grow dry. They manage theas things better i' France; (aw fancy aw've heeard that befoor) but although aw know awst nivver be able to do justice to it, yet aw think aw owt to give yo as gooid an' accaant as aw can. Well then to begin wi; we'll goa back a little bit an' mak a fair start.

In a strange country mooast things luk strange an' ith' walk we'd had we saw a deeal at capt us, but nowt moor surprisin' nor th' amaant o' ugly wimmen. We'd come prepared to be dazzled wi female luvliness an' grand dresses but ther wor nowt at sooart to see. Th' mooast on em wor dark skinned—sharp een'd, podgy-bodied, dowdy-donned crayturs'at lukt varry mich like wesherwimmen aght o' wark. Th' chaps wor better lukkin' bi th' hauf, but Billy sed he thowt they'd luk better if they'd stop off suppin' red ink an' get some gooid ale an' beef onto ther booans. But ther's one thing'at aw dooant believe ony Frenchman can do, an' that is, slouch along th' street wi his hands in his pockets like a thorough-bred Yorksherman! Even them at's huggin looads o' boxes an' hampers o' ther rig, (sich looads as a Yorksher chap ud stand an' luk at wol somdy went an' fotched a horse an' cart,) trip away as if they'd somewhear to goa, an' as if ther feet had been created to carry ther body an' net as if it wor th' body at had been intended to trail th' feet after it. An' yet someha or other, nubdy seemed to be in a hurry—th' street cars are run thear to save th' trouble o' walkin', but ther seems to be noa idea o' savin time. If a chap wants to ride he nivver thinks to wait wol a car comes up to him, he walks on till he ovvertaks one. Th' cabs are a little bit better as regards speed but aw could'nt help thinkin' at if they'd give th' horses moor oats an' less whip it ud be better for all sides. Aw nivver i' mi life heeard owt like th' whipcrackin' at wor to be heeard ith' busy streets, it reminded me o' nowt soa mich as th' fourth o' July in America; ivvery driver wor alike an' ther whips went wi as mich regilarity as a wayver's pickin' stick. To us it wor a newsance an' for th' chaps it must ha been hard wark but th' horses did'nt seem to tak ony nooatice—but if they give'em plenty o' whip aw dooant think they oft kill'em wi wark, for we passed monny a team o' six or eight mucky lukkin' grays, big booaned an' ill tended an' wi heeads on'em like soa monny churns turned th' wrang end up, at wor walkin' i' single file an' suppooased to be draggin' a waggon wi a looad ov abaat hauf a tun. Ther wor noa shops or buildins'at had owt abaat'em to admire an' aw must confess aw felt a trifle disappointed, but aw wor detarmined net to show it, for Billy had curled up his nooas when he started aght an' if he did spaik at all it wor allusth' same strain o' regret for what he'd left, an' contempt for all he'd fun.

This wornt varry mich to be wondered at, as we discovered next day'at we'd been trailin abaat throo all th' back slums an' had nivver once getten onto th' reight track, an' it wor moor bi gooid luck nor gooid management at we ivver fan th' exhibition buildin' at all, but when we did, even Billy could'nt grummel. It wor a queer feelin at coom ovver me when aw went in. Aw seemed to sink into insignificance all at once, an' aw could'nt help thinkin' at ther wor happen moor trewth i' what awr Mally had tell'd me nor awd felt inclined to admit,—Aw could see at Billy wor as mich capt as me for he walked a yard or two an' then stopt to turn raand, an' his een lukt fairly to be startin' aght ov his heead, an' his lower jaw hung onto his shirt as if th' back hinge ov his face had brokken. "Nah," aw says, "what does ta think abaat this? will this do for thi?" but he nobbut gave me a luk an' withaat spaikin' went a yard or two farther an' turned raand agean. After a while we gained th' oppen air agean an' then we sat daan whear we could have a view o' th' watter fall an faantens. "This is grand," aw sed.

"Tha says reight for once, an'to tell th' plain trewth nah, awm nooan sooary aw've come, for it'll fit me to tawk abaat for monny a year."

"Well, awm glad tha's fun summat to suit thi an' aw think tha will be suited befoor we've done; for th' buildin' we've come throo is varry little moor nor th' gateway to a show at occupies 140 acres. Aw dooant think we've owt i' England to equal that!"

"Now!—Bith' heart! Sammy; if a chap could nobbut get that buildin' at a easy rent, an' start it as a brewery it ud lick owt o' th' sooart we have! Tha sees ther's plenty o' gooid watter—yo could pile yor barrels up ith' centre thear—therms plenty o' raam for th' waggons to goa in an' aght—th' brewin plant could be fixed at this end—th' malt an' hops could be kept i' one o' them steeples, an' th' grains could be shot aght o' that winder. It mud ha been built for it. It nobbut wants them moniments an' gim-cracks clearin aght, an' it could be made to do i' noa time ommost.

"Well, Sammy aw must say awm fain aw've come, an if tha's a mind, we'll get aght o' th' sun an' see if we can get summat to sup, but we will'nt have ale this time; aw dooant feel to care soa mich abaat it just nah. If tha's nowt agean it we'll join at one o' them bottles o' red ink; it can nobbut pooisen us'schews ha."

Aw felt soa mad wol aw could'nt help wishin' at it wod pooisen him for aw thowt he desarved it. We went to a bonny little place whear aw saw some bottles an' glasses, aw dooant know what to call it, but it wor a sooart ov a goa between a public haase an' a summer haase, an' aw managed to mak' a bonny young lass understand what we wanted, an' shoo sarved us wi a smilin' face an' as mich curtseyin' as if we'd gooan to ax abaat th' vallyation, an' when aw held aght a handful o' silver for her to tak pay aght on, shoo nobbut tuk one French shillin, an' yo can buy em at tuppence apiece less nor awrs. We thowt that wor bein' gentlemen at a varry cheap rate. Yo may hardly believe it, but aw've paid three times as mich for stuff'at has'nt been hauf as gooid,—"Aw call this reasonable," aw says.

"Cheap as muck," sed Billy, "its worth that mich to see a bonny lass like that—tha sees shoo's like a lady an' shoo knows manners too. Its a thaasand pities at shoo connot tawk gradely English."

"It is; shoo's to be pitied for that. English fowk have a deeal to be thankful for, but happen shoo's satisfied, for shoo'll be able to understand other fowk."

"Tha munnat tell me at a lass like yond can ivver be satisfied wi a lot o' gabberin' fowk at cant tawk soas to be understood, shoo's like yond buildin' we've just come throo, shoo owt to be put to a better purpose. A'a! what a brewus yond wod mak'!"

"Well, tha knows we've all noations ov us own, an' aw connot agree wi thee thear. Tha seems to care nowt abaat art, all tha thinks on is ale."

"Well, did ta ivver know onnybody at filled ther belly o' art? Nah aw've known monny a one do it wi ale. That's th' way to luk at it."

"It's thy way but it is'nt mine, but as time's gooin on lets goa into th' place whear all theas wonderful things are to be seen."

"Goa thi ways, for thar't th' mooast restless chap aw ivver knew, tha'rt like a worm on a whut backstun, an' if tha gets into a comfortable corner tha will'nt stop. It's nice an' cooil here, but awst be sweltered i' th' sunshine. If th' weather's owt like this at hooam it'll play the hangment wi yond galcar."

Awm net gooin to say mich abaat th' Exhibition for one or two reasons—furst is aw think it's been a deeal better done bi somdy else, an' second, it'll tak up soa mich time, an' ther's net monny fowk at has'nt seen one, an' they're all mackley—Its enuff to say at this licks all at's gooan befoor it, an' 'at noa Englishman had ony need to shame for his country, an' nubdy had moor cause for pride nor Yorksher fowk. We roamed abaat for an' haar or two but feastin' one's een does'nt satisfy th' stummack, an' soa aw hinted at we should goa to th' English buffet whear my guide book sed we could get owt we wanted to ait an' find fowk at could tawk English. As sooin as aw mentioned it Billy sed he cared nowt for a buffet, he'd a deeal rayther have a arm cheer, but when aw explained what it wor he wor ready enuff to goa. Awd been warned befoor aw coom abaat extortion an' roagery an' tell'd what awful charges they made for simple things, but aw meant havin summat daycent to ait whativver it cost—soa we sat daan an' ordered soop, an' a plate o' rost beef an' puttates, an' some roily polly puddin for a start, an' we thowt if that wornt enuff, we'd ax if they could give us a plate o' pie. We sooin gate throo th' soop, but we sat a long time waitin' for th' rost beef to follow. Next to Billy wor a Frenchman an' his wife,—(aw sup-pooas Frenchmen have wives sometimes,)—an' one o' th' waiters browt him a nice plate o' boiled chicken, soa we thowt, but he didnt seem to tak onny noatice on it but went on wi his tawkin—Billy kept lukkin first at him an' then at th' plate an' at last he turned to me an' says, "This chap doesnt seem hungry an' its a pity to see this gooin cold," soa he shifted th' plate an' began to wire in. It did'nt tak him aboon three minutes to finish th' lot an' he passed back th' empty plate,—an' just then th' waiter coom wi awr rost beef. We'd just getten fairly started when th' Frenchman turned raand to begin, an' when he saw th' plate wi nowt on it he lukt as if he could ha swallered them at had swallered his dinner, an' he called for th' waiter an' be th' way he shaated an' shrugged his shoolders it wor plain to be seen'at he wor lettin somdy have it hot, but that did'nt affect Billy for he wor cooil enough an' stuck to his mark like a brick, but this Frenchman wor detarmined net to let it drop soa easily, an' he stormed an' raved as if he'd been robbed ov a pop-ticket, "Whats to do wi this cranky fooil," sed Billy?

Th' waiter could spaik English an' he says, "This gentleman says that he has had nothing to eat and he wont pay, and I am certain I brought him a dish of stewed frogs, and now he wants to declare he's never seen them!"

Billy's face went as white as mi hat, an' he dropt his knife an' fork, "Nah, aw've done it!" he sed, spaikin' to me, "awst be pooisened, aw know aw shall! It's all thy fault an' tha'll ha to answer for it."

"Awd nowt to do wi it, tha should let stuff alooan at doesnt belang to thi; but ha did they taste?"

"Aw thowt awd nivver had owt as grand i' mi life an' aw wor meeanin to have another plate but nah at aw know what it wor awd rayther ha gien a fiver nor ha touched sich-like powse. Tha mun promise me nivver to tell when we get back, or else they'll plague me abaat it as long as they've a day to live."

He seemed to ha lost his appetite after this, but aw stuck to mi corner an' made a rattlin dinner an' when awd to pay, an' it wor nobbut two franks an' a hauf (that's little moor nor two bob,) aw felt varry mich inclined to ax em if they could let us have a bed for th' neet, an then awd send for awr Mally an' live thear for six months, for awm sewer aw could'nt live as cheap at hooam. Then we went to have a luk at th' picturs, an' aw felt praader nor ivver as aw went throo th' English gallery—it wor grand! but ther wor others at wor ommost as gooid.

Ther wor a lot o' gooid paintins i' th' French gallery, an' it towt me th' meanin o' what fowk call 'poor art,' for th' French art is too poor to find clooas for th' men an' wimmen they paint, for throo one end o' th' raam to t'other it lukt like nowt as mich as a empty swimmin bath whear a craad o' wimmin, three rows deep, wor waitin' for th' watter to come in. Billy pooled a handful o' copper aght ov his pocket an' reckoned to be thrang caantin it, wol he gat aghtside, for he could'nt fashion to luk up, an' aw felt thankful at Mally wor at hooam. Awve noa daat ther wor a deeal o' beauty at we missed, an' a deeal o' things'at wor varry trew to natur but its possible for trewth to be too bare-faced at times. It had getten farish on ith' day when we coom aght, dazed and maddled wi th' wonders'at we'd seen, (an' we had'nt seen a quarter o' what wor thear) an' we felt at a cup o' teah, wod'nt do us ony harm soa we started off for us lodgins.

Billy sed he'd had enough o' walkin' an' he wod'nt stir another peg till we gat a cab, soa aw put up mi finger an' one coom. Aw tried all th' French aw knew an' a gooid deeal o' th' English but he could'nt understand a word, soa aw wrate th' name o' th' place an' th' name o' th' street on a card an' gave it him an' he grinned like a Cheshire cat an' started off. It wor then we began to find aght what Payris wor like. We went throo one big archway at they call Arc de Triomphe de'Etoile, an' it fairly made us tremmel. Aw lukt at mi guide book, (an' yo can do th' same if yo have one,) an' gat to know all abaat it, an' what it had cost; aw cant say'at it seems varry useful but its varry ornamental. We rattled on throo bustlin streets whear th' shops wor palaces, an' ther wor soa mich to tak us fancy at we tuk noa noatice o' th' cab chap wol he pooled up suddenly ith' front ov a arched passage an' coom an' oppened th' door an' pointin to th' haase he mooationed us to get aght. But it wom't th' reight shop! 'CafÉ du Nord,' wor printed up an 'Manchester House,' wor on a big sign an' 'English spoken,' wor i' big gold letters on th' winders but it wor nawther th' same place nor th' same street at we'd left ith' mornin. Aw gat aght to mak enquiries but Billy wod'nt stir. "Arnt ta baan to get aght?" aw sed.

"Awst stir nooan wol yo find th' reight shop, awm varry comfortable here."

Aw did'nt feel varry comfortable, but aw went inside to mak a few enquiries, but they mud as weel ha been Objibberaway Indians for ony sense aw could mak on em, they did plenty o' bowin an' scrapin an' hutchin up o' ther shoolders but that did'nt help me ony, soa aw gate hold o' one chap bi th' collar an' tuk him an' planted him opposite th' words 'English Spoken,' an' aw says, "Nah then, can ta read that?" "Wee, wee," he sed an' off he set, an' aw lukt for th' cab an' Billy but awd hard wark to find 'it for ther wor a craad o' fowk gethered raand an' th' driver wor stampin an' ravin away at Billy wol he fair fooamed at th' maath, an' aw felt thankful just then'at aw did'nt understand French, for my belief is at he wornt prayin for him to get aght but swearin at him for stoppin in, but Billy wor lainin back smookin a cigar an' seemed to be enjoyin it. "Sacrey mon dew!" he shaated at him. "Sacrey thisen, if tha wants," sed Billy, "awst nooan stir aght o' this wol tha finds th' reight shop; if tha connot find it awm sewer aw connot an' aw've trailed abaat wol awm stall'd."

But, for a blessin, th' chap at awd had hold on, coom back an' browt a lass wi him, one at aw sup-pooas wor kept o' purpose for th' job, an' as shoo happened to know as mich English as aw did French we gate on famously. At last aw bethowt me o' th' railway station an' that shoo seemed to understand, an' shoo tell'd th' driver summat, but he seemed to think he'd had enuff on us, but aw shoved him o' one side an' set daan along-side Billy, an' as he could see noa way else aght on it, he jumpt on th' dicky an' tuk his revenge aght o' th' horse. Be-foor he gat us to th' station aw saw th' haase we wor seekin soa aw stopt him, an' we gat aght, an' as we gave him double his fare he gave us a flourishin' salute an drave off. As aw wor gooin in at th' door Billy pooled me back an' pointed to two little childer abaat eight year old an' he laft wol he could'nt spaik for ivver so long, "He, he, he, ho! did ta ivver come across owt like that? Tha mun tell Mally abaat that when tha gets hooam for it licks all! Why even th' bits o' childer can tawk French!" an' it wor true too, tho' when aw coom to consider abaat it aw did'nt see owt soa varry wonderful in it after all.

A cup o' teah an' a walk to th' railway station whear we gat a gooid wesh for a penny, freshened us up a bit an' we prepared to spend th' furst neet i' Payris th' same as mooast fowk do; that is, we started aght i' hoaps at we should see summat at we should condemn after we'd seen it, an' deplore th' existence ov th' varry things at form th' principal attraction for nine aght o' ivvery ten at pay a visit to th' finest city ith' world, whear gaiety flooats ovver th' surface o' ivverything an' th' cankerin sorrow is busy deep ith' heart.

A sorrowing heart ne'er seems as sad

As when'midst gaiety;

You see beneath the flimsy veil,

Its writhing misery.

The apple with the golden rind,

The greedy eye gloats o'er,

But then, alas,'tis sad to find

Dry ashes at its core.

The smiling face, the beaming eye.

The soft and snowy skin;

Turns pleasure into horror when

We find all black within.

Better the humblest face and form.

If virtue dwells therein;

Than all the beauties that adorn

The inward heart of sin.

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