EXT to bein' th' eleventh chap to get into a carriage'at's suppooased to be weel packed wi' ten, aw hate to travel wi' one chap'at's made up his mind to be miserable—an' aw could see in a twinklin' 'at Bill meant it.

But aw wor off for a spree, (aw owtn't to ha sed that, for awd left word at hooam'at aw wor gooin to collect information for th' benefit o' mi fellow men,) but whativver wor th' principle reason for me gooin aw know'at th' interest had summat to do wi' a jollification.

"A'a, aw wish awd stopt at hooam," he sed, as sooin as th' train gate aght o'th' station.

"Awm sooary but tha had," aw sed, low daan.

"What says ta?"

"Awm sooary tha'rt soa bad," aw shaated.

"Tha doesn't know what aw suffer, lad. Has ta owt to sup?"

"Eeah, aw've a drop'at Mally wod mak mi bring; see what it's like."

"That stirs it," he sed, when he'd had a gooid swig, "what does ta call it?"

"Nay, aw dooant know for aw've nivver tasted it. Happen it's gin?"

"Is it?" an' he held th' bottle to luk at it. "Maybe it is," he sed, an' he tuk another swig to find aght. "Nay it's nooan gin aw think, aw fancy it's whisky."

"Varry likely it is whisky," aw sed, "it doesn't luk unlike."

"Aw dooant pretend to say'at it is, for awm noa judge, but it happen is gin," an' he supt agean to mak reight sewer, an' then he handed me th' bottle an' sed, "tha can call it what tha likes but aw call it whisky—taste for thisen."

He did reight to say "taste," for he hadn't left enough in for a sup, but aw didn't care for that for it seemed to liven him up a bit, an' bi th' time we stopt at Peterborough he jumpt aght to stretch his legs a bit an' try what sooart o' ale they kept at th' station, an' he lukt leetsomer nor awd seen him for a twelvemonth, an' when he coom back he'd a cigar in his maath an' another for me. "What mak o' ale do they keep?" aw ax'd.

"Muck! Aw wodn't sell sich stuff, an' th' glasses are nobbut like thimmels an' they dooan't aboon hauf fill'em. It's a scandlous shame ha they impooas o' fowk, if awd to do sich things aw couldn't sleep for thinkin' on it," an as if to prove'at he nivver did owt o'th' sooart he lained back his heead an' in a varry little time wor snoorin' away like a bacon makker.

When th' train stopt at th' far end aw had to wak-ken him an' it wor noa easy job. "Come on!" aw sed, "Ger up! Doesn't ta know'at we're at th' far end?"

"Aw care nowt abaat it whear we are, awm nooan baan to get up!"

"But tha mun care, for tha'll be foorced to get aght here; an' whear's thi luggage? If tha doesn't stir thi somdy'll run away wi' it!"

He oppened one e'e abaat hauf way just to squint at me, "An' who's baan to run away wi' it? Let me catch him an' awl bet ther'll be one Frenchman less to feight th' next battle o' Waterloo! Awl poise his frog-aitin heead off his shoolders if he touches owt o' mine!"

"Ther's noa Frenchmen here; tha's nobbut getten to Lundun, an' tha munnot tawk abaat poisin' when tha gets to France, tha'll ha' to leearn to parleyvoo!"

"Aw dooant care whether it's poisin' or parleyvoo-in', awl bet his heead comes off schews ha!"

Just then th' guard coom "All out here! Hi there! what's to do?"

Aw knew th' guard an' he knew me. "O, it's nobbut a friend o' mine'at's been asleep a bit an' didn't know we'd landed," aw sed.

"And where is he off to? not to Paris surely? He'll be lost."

"Nay, he'll nooan be lost for awm'baan wi' him to luk after him."

Aw didn't see owt funny abaat that but he laft wol aw thowt he'd getten a spasm. "And who's going to look after thee, Sammywell?"

"Well, when aw want a bigger fooil nor misen to keep me company awl ax thy maister if he can spare thee for a day or two."

My temper isn't as long as it used to be an' aw didn't relish a strackle brain like him takkin' liberties wi' me, just as if he'd paid his fare an' we'd been paid for commin', an' aw wor i' hauf a mind to goa to th' firerup an' ligg a complaint, but Billy had his hand on his wayscoit agean an' began grooanin.

"Well, what says ta," he sed, "are we to goa onny farther or stop whear we are? Aw wor nivver fit to set off i' this state an' aw should nivver ha' come but for thee. An' what are we to do wi' this luggage? An' what time does train start? An' whear does it start throo? An' what are we to do wi' ussen wol it does start? An' what's to come o' yond malt'at's masht? An' ha does ta expect an old woman like mi mother to be able to tun? It wor a wrang-heeaded affair ivver to set off an' if we nivver get back it'll be thy fault."

"Bless mi life!" aw sed, "tha needn't goa! Tiler'll be a train back to Bradforth directly! Aw dooan't want thi to goa if it's agean thi mind!"

"It's nooan mi mind it's mi stummack! if aw worn't sufferin' like this aw should be fain to goa; but say what it's to be; are we to goa forrad or turn back?"

"Aw shall goa forrad an' tha can pleas thisen."

"Then aw shall goa forrad if tha does. Goa an' find aght all particlars an' see after this luggage an' mak all as reight an' square as tha can an' then if ther's time, tak me somewhear to get summat to stir this pain. Awm a deeal fitter for bed nor to be knockin' abaat like this."

Aw left him wol aw made enquiries, but aw couldn't help wonderin' if Smith had as mich bother wi' me when he tuk me raand to see th' Seets i' Lundun as aw seemed likely to have wi' Billy.

"The best plan for you to do is to take a cab and get your luggage to Victoria station, the train starts from there and they'll give you all information," sed th' pooarter aw ax'd. Ther wor plenty on'em an' we gate one an' wor sooin rollin' away. "Couldn't we ha' walked it, Sammy? Tha knows walkin' is far better for me nor bein' shook to bits in a ditherin' con-sarn like this."

"It's too far to walk an' we'st be thear directly."

"Has ta emptied that bottle?"

"Eeah, does ta want summat? Awl stop th' cab in a minit."

"Does fa want summat?'coss if tha doesn't tha's noa need to stop th' cab for th' sake o' me. Aw've been used to sufferin all mi life, an' happenfif aw did get summat aw should be noa better."

But just then th' cab did stop an' when aw shoved mi heead aght to see th' reason on it, thear wor th' same railway guard sittin' on th' dicky ov another cab wi' my umberel ovver his shoolder, an' he wor grin-nin' like a Cheshire cat. "Is this thy parryshute, Sammywell?"

"Awl shute thee if tha doesn't hand it ovver here!" aw says.

A'a, but aw wor fain to see him, for if awd lost that umberel aw nivver dar ha' faced hooam! Ov coorse that wor a nice excuse to get aght an' have a leek on. Billy called for a pot o' hauf an' hafe, an' when he gate it up to his lips he held it thear soa long wol aw thowt he'd getten his teeth fast i'th pewter an' couldn't leeav lawse, but when he did put it daan th' bartender whipt it aght o'th' rooad ready for another customer an' Billy wiped his lips and gave a sigh o' satisfaction'at wor like music to me.

"Nah, what does ta think o: that?" aw sed.

"Middlin', but it's rayther short o' malt."

Aw wor soa thankful to get mi'nelly back wol aw stood treat twice raand. "Aw'st ha' to be more carefui for th' futer," aw sed, "for aw wodn't pairt wi' it for its weight o' new ens."

"If tha did tha'd be able to start a shop," sed Billy.

"Why not have your name put on it?" sed th' guard.

"Bith' mass! aw nivver thowt o' that!"

"There's a shop next door but one, a regular umbrella hospital, I dare say they would do it for you in a few minutes, and you've got plenty of time; I'll stay with your friend till you come back."

Aw went, an' gate inside aw tell'd what aw wanted to a nice modest lukkin' young woman, an' as sooin as shoo saw it, it seem'd to remind her ov her early days, maybe shoo'd an old mother somewhear'at had one like it, or a fayther moulderin' away i'th' churchyard'at had once been praad o' sich a one. Aw ommost felt sooary aw'd spokken, for whativver it wor, it made her bury her face in her white kertchy an' hurry away in a state o' agitation'at touched me to th' quick. In abaat a minit, a young bit ov a whipper-snapper ov a chap, wi' his hair pairted daan th' middle, comes, an' aw tell'd him what aw wanted. He seized hold ov it an' began handlin' it as if he'd noa more respect for it nor he had for hissen, (an' a chap'at pairts his hair daan th' middle is nivver troubled wi' mich,) an' then he started laffin' an' began axin' me all sooarts o' questions abaat it." "Young man," aw sed, "Aw didn't come here to give th' history o' my umbrella, aw coom to ax if yo could put mi name on it, an' if tha doesn't stop off messin' it up an' daan awl come raand an' see if my shoe tooa can stir thi brains a bit." He saw aw meant it so he sobered daan a bit an' handed it back to me, an' he sed 'he wor varry sorry but it wom't i' their line, but if aw tuk it across to a ironmonger's opposite aw should happen be able to get a door-plate to fit it.' "An' if aw do," aw says, "awl come for thy heead for th' door nop an' when aw come aght o' that shop yo couldn't tell whear th' pairtin' o' that chap's hair had been, but awl bet it wom't i'th' middle for a wick or two at after.

Aw didn't goa to th' ironmongers, but aw went back to whear aw'd left Billy, but he wor soa taen up wi' th' guard wol aw sat mi daan, quietly to wait an' as aw'd been put abaat a bit aw eased misen wi' havin' a tawk to mi umberel.—

What matters if some fowk deride,

An' point wi' a finger o' scorn?

Th' time wor tha wor lukt on wi' pride,

Befoor mooast o' th' scoffers wor bom.

But awl ne'er turn mi back on a friend,

Tho' old fashioned an' grey like thisel;

But awl try to cling to thi to th' end,

Tho' tha'rt nobbut an old umberel.

Whear wod th' young ens'at laff be to-day,

But for th' old ens they turn into fun?

Who wor wearin' thersen bent an' grey,

When theirdays had hardly begun?

Ther own youth will quickly glide past;

If they live they'll all grow old thersel;

An' they'll long for a true friend at last,

Though it's nobbut an old umberel.

Tha's grown budgey, an' faded, an' worn,

Yet thi inside is honest an' strong,

But thi coverin's tattered an' torn,

An' awm feeard'at tha cannot last long.

But when th' few years 'at's left us have run,

An' to th' world we have whispered farewells;

May they say'at my duty wor done,

As weel as mi old umberel's.'

Awd getten soa far when they called me to'em, an' after another sup we bid gooid day to th' guard, gate into th' cab an' wor sooin at Victoria station.

When we gate thear, we fan th' train didn't start till past eight o'clock. "Nah, tha's getten us into a bonny mullock, tha has! Aw thowt tha reckoned to know summat abaat travellin'. We've hauf a day to goa wanderin' abaat an' me i' this state—net fit to walk a yard. What does ta mean to do? We'd happen better caar here? An' ther's three quarters o' malt i'th' mash at hooam an' here aw am hallockin' abaat fast what to do wi' mi time."

"Aw care nowt abaat thy three quarters o' malt, Billy; if tha'rt soa anxious abaat it tha should ha' stopt wi' it or else browt it wi' thi! Awm baan to have summat to ait an' tha can pleas thisen."

"Nay, aw nooan want to pleeas misen, net aw marry! Aw've come here o' purpose to pleas thee. Do whativver tha likes it'll be reight to me; tha's getten me here nah soa aw mun mak th' best on't."

We set off an' had a long walk an' aw could see'at he wor a bit capt as we passed some o' th' big buildins an' monuments soa aw ax'd his opinion on'em.

"Varry fair, considerin'," he sed, "but aw expected findin' 'em bigger, an' thes nooan on'em ovver cleean."

"Why," aw sed, "tha'll have to goa a long way to find bigger nor theas."

"They're noa bigger, accordinglye to th' place nor yond little haase o' mine up at th' moor end."

Aw tuk him into a place whear aw knew we could get a gooid meal at a reasonable rate an' axt him what he'd have.

"Aw dunnot know what to say—ther's nowt aw dar touch wi' mi stummack i' this state—thee order what tha likes."

"Awm gooin' in for a mutton chop an' some fried puttates."

"Well, aw'll ha' th' same; one thing's as gooid as another to me, for aw'st ait nooan on it. Do they sell ale here? but if they do aw expect it willn't be fit to sup."

Aw called for two bottles, an' whether it wor fit to sup or net his didn't last long. Th' mutton chops an' fried puttates wor browt, an for a matter o' five minits nawther on us spake.

"Well, doesn't ta think theas is varry nice?"

"Aw can tell nowt abaat it for ther's nowt but booan o' this o' mine, but if they've forgetten to put th' mait on it, they'll nooan forget to put th' price on it awl warrant."

Aw wor satisfied wi' mine, but aw ordered two moor for him, an' he polished'em.

"Nah, has ta enjoyed'em?" aw sed as he sopped th' gravy up wi' a chunk o' cake.

"Aw've had war; but, bless mi life! yo can get as gooid chops as theas at hooam if yo'll pay th' price for'em, an' aw dooan't expect they'll agree wi' mi nah aw've getten'em."

Aw worn't gooin' to argy that point wi' him, soa aw settled th' bill an' we lit a cigar a-piece an' walked quietly to th' station.

It wanted abaat fifteen minits to th' train time soa aw went to see after tickets, an' aw must say when th' chap sed four paand fifteen shillin' a-piece it knocked th' steam aght on me. Aw felt sewer ther must be some mistak an' aw went to th' station maister, but he sed it wor all reight, ther wor nowt nobbut furst class that neet. Aw tell'd Billy, an' ax'd what we should do.—"Do just as tha likes," he says, "tha has it all i' thi own hands; awl ha' nowt to do wi' it; tha can awther goa or stop just as it suits thisen. Aw know nowt abaat sich things, it's nobbut thee'at has all th' knowledge;—but aw know what aw wish."

As weel be hung for a sheep as a lamb, aw thowt, soa aw gate two tickets an' we wor sooin in a furst class carriage speedin' on to Dover. Billy slept om-most all th' time an' when we landed it wor dark an' drizzlin' "Aw expect this is th' sooart o' weather we shall have all th' time," he sed, "aw allus consider this th' warst month i' th' year for onybody to set off in, an' nubdy i' ther reight wit ivver wod."

Ther wor noa time to tawk for we'd to get on th' booat as sooin as we could. This wor th' furst thing'at seemed to set Billy's bile reight agate o' workin'. "If aw'd a known'at we couldn't ha' gooan bi land aw'd ha' seen thee blowed befoor tha'd ha' getten me here! But it's just on a par wi' all tha does!—but if ivver aw live to get hooam awl remember thee for this! If mi mother knew shoo'd goa off'n her heead!"

Aw tuk hold ov his arm an' led him daan th' steps an' when he saw a table full o' bottled ale he seemed a little moor reconciled. We wor sooin off, but as sooin as th' booat began to roll Billy sed he'd goa up stairs, so we went on deck. When aw saw th' stewards an' stewardesses all grinnin' an' gettin' aght piles o' tin bowls an' buckets aw'd a guess what it meant. A nastier neet it could hardly ha' been, for it wor rainin' an' blowin' an' th' watter wor rougher nor aw'd ivver saw th' Atlantic Ocean. Aw thowt aw wor a pratty gooid sailor misen, but aw wor fain to let mi cigar goa aght. Billy had folded his arms raand a wire rooap an' ther wor noa mistak he intended to stick. Aw crept up to him in a bit, "Tha'rt varry quiet," aw sed, "what are ta thinkin' abaat?"

"Aw wor just thinkin' abaat that three quarters o' malt," he sed, "an' he lained his heead ovver th' side soa as he could study undisturbed. Just abaat that time it struck me'at aw'd heeard tell what a beautiful seet it wor to watch th' waves all glittering wi phosphorus, soa aw lained ovver to luk for it. Aw didn't see onny but that wom't my fault for aw nivver lifted mi heead up except once or twice to see if Billy wor thear an' aw saw he wor still studyin' abaat th' malt."

After abaat two haars o' scientific investigation o' that sooart, land, whether foreign or native, wor varry acceptable. We had to pass ovver a little bridge when we landed an' one chap took tickets an' another stood to ax what yo wor. "Are you English?" he axed Billy.

"What's ta think, muleface!" he sed, an' as he let him pass aw suppooas he wor satisfied'at he wor. We'd hauf an haar to wait for th' train to Payris, an' Billy made straight for th' refreshment raam. "Ha does ta feel?" aw sed.

"Aw all nowt, an' nivver should ha' done but for them mutton chops, an' aw tell'd thi mi stummack wodn't stand sich muck. Aw wish aw wor back hooam."

"Awm pratty weel sick on it misen," aw says, "an' if tha's a mind we'll goa straight back hooam."

"Nay, by-gow! aw've had enuff o' that booat-ridin' for to neet!"

After a dry biscuit an' a drop o' lemonade we gate into a comfortable carriage, worn aght an' weary, we booath fell asleep. When we wakkened th' sun wor shinin' an' we could see men an' wimmen at wark getherin' in th' harvest, ivverything lukt cheerful an' bonny. Th' whistle saanded an' th' train slackened speed an' we crept slowly into Payris at hauf-past six o' one o' th' grandest mornins aw ivver remember. When we gate aght o'th' station we lukt raan', wonderin' which way to goa to seek lodgins.

"Nah, Billy," aw says, "this is Payris at last."

He lukt at th' graand, then at th' buildins all raand, then up at th' sky, an' finished off wi' starin' at me.

"Well?" aw says.

"Why, it's nowt!"