  BY THE HONOURABLE WILHELMINA SKEGGS A weakness seizes on my mind—I would more pudding take; But all in vain—I feel—I feel—my little head will ache. Oh! that I might alone be left, to rest where now I am, And finish with a piece of bread that pot of currant-jam. I gaze upon the cake with tears, and wildly I deplore That I must take a powder if I touch a morsel more, Or oil of castor, smoothly bland, will offer'd be to me, In wave pellucid, floating on a cup of milkless tea. It may be so—I cannot tell—I yet may do without; They need not know, when left alone, what I have been about. I long to cut that potted beef—to taste that apple-pie; I long—I long to eat some more, but have not strength to try. I gasp for breath, and now I know I've eaten far too much; Not one more crumb of all the feast before me can I touch! Susan, oh! Susan ring the bell, and call for mother, dear. My brain swims round—I feel it all—mother, your child is queer! Alix (aged five, to parent who has been trying to inspire her with loyal sentiments). And was the Queen weally named after me? A Toothsome Morsel A Toothsome Morsel.—Distracted Nurse. "Gracious, children, what are you doing?" Children. "Oh, we've put the meat cover on grandpa's head to keep the flies off him!" Drat the boy "Drat the boy! What have you got that string tied on that fowl's leg for?" "'Tain't our fowl, muvver!" Snooks who fancies himself Snooks (who fancies himself very much). "What's she crying for?" Arabella. "It's all right, sir. She was frightened. When she saw you she thought it was a man!" BLASÉ BLASÉKitty (reading a fairy tale). "'Once upon a time there was a frog——'" Mabel (interrupting). "I bet it's a princess! Go on!" Physics.—"Now, George, before you go and play, are you quite sure you know the lesson Professor Borax gave you to learn?" "O, yes, mamma!" "Well, now, what causes heat without light?" "Pickles!" Mother. Well, Dorothy, would you like your egg poached or boiled? Dorothy (after weighing the question). Which is the most, mother? THE ADVANTAGES OF EDUCATION THE ADVANTAGES OF EDUCATIONSmall Boy. "Look 'ere, Mawrd! I reckon the chap as keeps this shop ain't bin to school lately; 'e spells ''all' with a haitch!" GETTING ON "GETTING ON.""Well, Tommy, how are you getting on at school?" "First-rate. I ain't doing so well as some of the other boys, though I can stand on my head; but I have to put my feet against the wall. I want to do it without the wall at all!" Laying down the Law Laying down the Law.—Lady (entertaining friend's little girl). "Do you take sugar, darling?" The Darling. "Yes, please." Lady. "How many lumps?" The Darling. "Oh, about seven; and when I'm out to tea I start with cake." I'll come and see you every day Tommy. "I say, Elsie, if you like, I'll come and see you every day while you are ill." "A Soft Answer," &c.—Mamma. You are very naughty children, and I am extremely dis-satisfied with you all! Tommy. That is a pity, mamma! We're all so thoroughly satisfied with you, you know! Comprehensive.—Preceptor. Now, can any of you tell me anything remarkable in the life of Moses? Boy. Yes, sir. He was the only man who broke all the commandments at once! A BARGAIN A BARGAIN."I say, Bobby, just give us a shove with this 'ere parcel on to this 'ere truck, and next time yer runs me in, I'll go quiet!" Little Miss Logic.—Little Dot (to Eminent Professor of Chemistry). Are you a chemist? Eminent Professor. Yes, my dear. L. D. Have you got a shop with lovely large, coloured bottles in the window? E. P. No, my dear; I don't keep a shop. L. D. Don't you? Then I suppose you don't sell Jones's Jubilee Cough Jujubes? E. P. No, my dear, I certainly do not. L. D. (decidedly). I don't think I ought to talk to you any more. You can't be a respectable chemist. E. P. Why not, my dear? L. D. 'Cos it says on the box, "Sold by all respectable chemists." At the School Treat.—Lady Helper (to Small Boy). Will you have some more bread-and-butter? Small Boy. No fear, when there's kike about. Lady Helper (trying to be kind). Cake, certainly! Will you have plum or seed? Small Boy. Plum, in course. D'ye tike me for a canary? A QUESTION OF HEREDITY A QUESTION OF HEREDITYHal. "Is there anything the matter with this egg, Martha?" Martha. "Oh no, it's only a little cracked." Hal. "Oh! Then would the chicken that came out of it be a little mad?" Natural History Natural History.—"Oh, look, mummie! Now it's left off raining, he's come out of his kennel!" I hanged up muvver's Sensible Child.—"Well, Jacky, and did you hang up your stocking for Santa Claus to fill?" "No. I hanged up muvver's!" Look what I've bought you "Look what I've bought you for a Christmas box!" Had Him There.—Uncle Jim. Here's half a mince pie for you, Tommy. I need hardly remind a person of your classical culture that "the half is greater than the whole!" Tommy. Quite so, uncle. But, as I'm not very hungry, I'll only take a whole one. An Eye to the Main Chance.—The Major. You're a very nice fellow, Tommy! Don't most people tell you so? Tommy. Yes, they does. And they often gives me something! LOST, OR, LUCID INFORMATION LOST, OR, LUCID INFORMATIONKind-hearted Old Gent. "There, there, don't cry! What's your name and where do you live!" Chorus. "Boohoo! We'se Doolie's twins." Sancta Simplicitas "Sancta Simplicitas."—"Auntie, ought Bertie Wilson to have smiled so often at me in church?" "No, dear. Where was he sitting?" "Behind me." Philanthropic Old Lady Philanthropic Old Lady (to little boy caressing dog). "That is right, little boy, always be kind to animals." Little Boy. "Yes, 'm. I'll have this tin can tied to his tail soon's I've got him quiet." Poor likkle doggie "Poor likkle doggie—hasn't got any fevvers on!" Wish I could catch a cold Master Tom. "Wish I could catch a cold just before Christmas." Effie. "Why?" Master Tom. "Well, ma's always sayin', 'feed a cold.' Wouldn't I? Just!" may I have the fairy "Please, auntie, may I have the fairy off the Christmas tree—if I don't ask you for it?" Shocked Mother Shocked Mother. "Oh, Tommy! What have you been doing?" Tommy (who has just returned from the first day of a preliminary course at the village school). "Fighting with Billy Brown." Mother. "That horrid boy at the farm? Don't you ever quarrel with him again!" Tommy. "I ain't likely to. He can lick me!" RUDIMENTS OF ECONOMY RUDIMENTS OF ECONOMY"May I leave this piece of bread, nurse?" "Certainly not, Miss May. It's dreadful wasteful! and the day may come when you'll want a piece of bread!" "Then I'd better keep this piece of bread till I do want it, nurse. Hadn't I?" Blue Fever Blue Fever.—Visitor (after a long discourse on the virtues of temperance). "I'm glad to see a little boy here wearing the blue ribbon. That's a good little fellow. Persevere in your good——" Billie Groggins. "Please, sir, I'm Hoxford!" just ain't people proud "Oh! just ain't people proud what have got pairasoles." A Discussion on Diet.—Little Chris (to little Kate.) Does your governess get ill on mince pies? Little Kate. I don't know! Why? Little Chris. 'Cause mine does. At dinner to-day she said, "If you eat any more of that pastry, I know you'll be ill." So she must have been so herself. [Conference broken up by arrival of the lady in question. WHAT IS IT WHAT IS IT?First Boy (loq.). "I tell yer its 'ed's here!—I seen it move!" Second Do. "I say it's at this end, yer stoopid!—I can see 'is ears!" that's what I've done for the cow-drawing competition Dolly. "Auntie, that's what I've done for the cow-drawing competition at school." Auntie. "But it is more like a horse than a cow." Dolly. "It is a horse. But, please, don't tell teacher!" THE GENTLE CRAFT "THE GENTLE CRAFT"Preceptor (after a lecture). "Now, what are the principal things that are obtained from the earth?" Pupil (and "disciple of Izaak Walton"). "Worms, sir!" [Loses fifty marks! A Confession A Confession.—Day Governess. "How is it your French exercises are always done so much better than your Latin ones?" Tommy (after considering awhile). "I don't think auntie knows Latin." [Auntie, who was about to enter, quickly and quietly retires. What are you doing "What are you doing in that cupboard, Cyril?" "Hush, auntie! I'm pretending to be a thief!" RETALIATION RETALIATION"Tut, tut, my boy! You must not beat that little dog so. Has he bitten you?" "No, 'e ain't. But 'e's bin an' swallered my fardin!" A REMINISCENCE OF LENT A REMINISCENCE OF LENT"And did you both practise a little self-denial, and agree to give up something you were fond of?—sugar, for instance,—as I suggested?" "Well, yes, auntie! Only it wasn't exactly sugar, you know! It was soap we agreed to give up!" SUBTLE DISCRIMINATION SUBTLE DISCRIMINATIONEthel (to Jack, who has been put into the corner by the new governess). "I'm so sorry for you, Jack!" Jack. "Bosh! who cares! This ain't a real corner, you know!" A CANDID INQUIRER A CANDID INQUIRER"I say, John, is there anything I haven't tasted?" "No, sir, I think not—except water!" Mother says I am descended from Mary Queen o' Scots Eva. "Mother says I am descended from Mary Queen o' Scots." Tom. "So am I then, Eva." Eva. "Don't be so silly, Tom! You can't be. You're a boy!" Is it a board school you go to Old Gent. "Is it a board school you go to, my dear?" Child. "No, sir. I believe it be a brick one!" Is your wound sore Kitty. "Is your wound sore, Mr. Pup?" Mr. Pup. "Wound! What wound?" Kitty. "Why, sister said she cut you at the dinner last night!" How many steps can you jump, grandma? Little Boy. "How many steps can you jump, grandma? I can jump four!" INDUCTION INDUCTION"Is this the new baby, daddy?"—"Yes, dear." "Why, he's got no teeth!"—"No, dear." "And he's got no hair!"—"No, dear." "Oh, daddy, it must be an old baby!" Horrified little girl (seeing her mamma in evening dress for the first time). Oh, mummy, you're never going down like that! You've forgotten to put on your top part! Come 'ere out of the rine "Hi, silly! Come 'ere out of the rine!" English History.—"And who was the king who had so many wives?" "Bluebeard!" HER FIRST WASP HER FIRST WASPPoor Effie (who has been stung). "First it walked about all over my hand, and it was so nice! But oh!—when it sat down!" Very Natural Very Natural.—"Vell, and vat to you sink tit happen to me at Matame Tussaud's de oder tay? A laty dook me for vun of de vax vickers, and agdually abbollochised vor her misdake!" "O what fun, Mr. Schmitz! And was it in the Chamber of Horrors?" True Distinction True Distinction.— Mamma (improving the occasion). "I like your new suit immensely, Gerald! But you must recollect that it's not the coat that makes the gentleman!" Gerald. "No, mamma! I know it's the hat!" Little Montague Little Montague. "I was awake when Santa Claus came, dad!" Father. "Were you? And what was he like, eh?" Little Montague. "Oh, I couldn't see him—it was dark, you know. But when he bumped himself on the washstand he said——" Father (hastily). "There, that'll do, Monty. Run away and play!" A Rara Avis A Rara Avis.—Little Girl (finishing her description of the Battle of Cressy). "And ever since then the Prince of Wales has been born with feathers!" A Head for Business A Head for Business.— Mamma. "I meant to give you a threepenny bit this morning, Bobby, but in my hurry I think I gave you sixpence, so——" Bobby. "Yes, mummy, but I haven't spent it all yet. So will you give it me to-morrow?" Mamma. "Give you what, dear?" Bobby. "The threepenny bit you meant to give me to-day!" CHILD OF THE PERIOD THE CHILD OF THE PERIOD"Why did that policeman touch his hat to you, aunty? Have you got one as well as nurse?" may I—have gas BEFORE THE HEADFourth Form Boy (with recollections of a recent visit to the dentist). "Please, sir, may I—may I—have gas?" Adding Insult to Injury.—"Mamma, isn't it very wicked to do behind one's back what one wouldn't do before one's face?" "Certainly, Effie!" "Well, baby bit my finger when I was looking another way!" By Authority "By Authority."—Street Boy (sternly). "P'lice-Serge'nt says as you're t' have your door-way swep' immediat'; an' (more meekly) me an' my mate's willin' to do it, s'! Old Gentleman (who has received a present of butter from one of his tenants). "And how does your mother make all these beautiful patterns on the pats, my dear?" Messenger. "Wiv our comb, sir!" A FATAL OBJECTION A FATAL OBJECTION"Mother, are the Wondergilts very rich?" "Yes, Silvia, very." "Mother, I hope we shall never be rich?" "Why, darling?" "It must be so very expensive!" Have you lost yourself Lady. "Have you lost yourself, little boy?" Little Boy. "No—boo-hoo—I've found a street I don't know!" ENFANT TERRIBLE "ENFANT TERRIBLE""I've brought you a glass of wine, Mr. Professor. Please drink it!" "Vat! Pefore tinner? Ach, vy?" "Because mummy says you drink like a fish, and I want to see you——!" SPREAD OF EDUCATION THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION"Come and 'ave a look, Marier. They've been and put a chick on a lidy's 'at, and they don't know 'ow to spell it!" WELL OUT OF IT "WELL OUT OF IT"Uncle. "And you love your enemies, Ethel?" Ethel (promptly). "Yeth, uncle." Uncle. "And who are your enemies, dear?" Ethel (in an awful whisper). "The dev——" [The old gentleman doesn't see his way further, and drops the subject. OUR CHILDREN OUR CHILDRENNurse. "You dreadful children! Where have you been?" Young Hopeful. "Oh, nursie, we've been trying to drown those dear little ducks, but they will come to the top!" Because their mothers won't let them Auntie. "Do you know you are playing with two very naughty little boys, Johnny?" Johnny. "Yes." Auntie. "You do! I'm surprised. Why don't you play with good little boys?" Johnny. "Because their mothers won't let them!" TAKING TIME BY THE FORELOCK TAKING TIME BY THE FORELOCKGwendoline. "Uncle George says every woman ought to have a profession, and I think he's quite right!" Mamma. "Indeed! And what profession do you mean to choose?" Gwendoline. "I mean to be a professional beauty!" EXPERIENTIA DOCET EXPERIENTIA DOCET.—Master George (whispers). "I say! Kitty! Has mamma been telling you she'd give you 'a lovely spoonful of delicious currant jelly, O so nice, so VERY nice'?" Miss Kitty. "Ess Cullen' jelly! O so ni', so welly ni'!" Master George. "THEN DON'T TAKE IT!!" Evil Communications Evil Communications, &c.—Elder of Twins. "It's very vulgar to say 'you be blowed' to each other, like those men do. Isn't it, Uncle Fred?" Uncle Fred. "I believe it is generally considered so, my dear!" Elder of Twins. "Yes, indeed! Ethel and I, you know, we always say, 'you be blown!'" Mens Conscia Mens Conscia.—Inspector (who notices a backwardness in history). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.) Inspector (more urgently). "Who signed Magna Charta?" (No answer.) Inspector (angrily). "Who signed Magna Charta?" Scapegrace (thinking matters are beginning to look serious). "Please, sir, 'twasn't me, sir!!" Trop de Zele "Trop de Zele!"—(Tommy, a conscientious boy, has been told that he must remain perfectly still, as his mamma wants to take a nap.) (Tommy in the middle of the nap). "Mamma! Mamma! what shall I do? I want to cough!" TENDER CONSIDERATION TENDER CONSIDERATION"Oh, don't make faces at him, Effie! It might frighten him, you know!" BY PROXY "BY PROXY."Humorous Little Boy. "Plea' sir, will you ring the bottom bell but one, four times, sir?" Old Gent (gouty, and a little deaf, but so fond o' children). "Bottom bell but one, four times, my boy?" (Effusively.) "Certainly, that I will!" [In the meantime off go the boys, and, at the third peal, the irritable old lady on the ground floor——Tableau! News from Home News from Home.—Aunt Mary. "I've just had a letter from your papa, Geoffrey. He says you've got a little brother, who'll be a nice companion for you some day!" Geoffrey. "Oh!——does mummy know?" UTILE CUM DULCI UTILE CUM DULCIArry. "Ain't yer comin' along with me, Bill?" Piscator (the Doctor's Boy). "No, I ain't a comin' along with you, I tell yer! I'm a runnin' on a errand." Zoology Zoology. (It appears to be coming to that at the Board Schools.)—Examiner (to small aspirant to the twenty-fourth standard). "Can you tell me anything peculiar about the cuckoo, in regard to nesting?" Student. "Yes, sir. Please, sir, he don't lay his own eggs hisself, sir!!" FIRST VISIT TO THE ZOO THEIR FIRST VISIT TO THE ZOOTommy. "Them ain't donkeys, Billy?" Billy. "Yus, they is! They're donkeys with their football jerseys on!" A Spoilt Story A Spoilt Story.—Brown (in the middle of tall shooting story). "Hardly had I taken aim at the lion on my right, when I heard a rustle in the jungle grass, and perceived an enormous tiger approaching on my left. I now found myself on the horns of a dilemma!" Interested Little Boy. "Oh, and which did you shoot first—the lion, or the tiger, or the d'lemma?" I'm in evening dress Uncle (about to start for a concert at Marine Pavilion). "But, my dear Nora, you don't surely propose to go without your shoes and stockings?" Nora. "I'm in evening dress, uncle—only it's the other end." The Tertium Quid The Tertium Quid.—"Do you know, Mabel, I believe if I weren't here, Captain Spooner would kiss you." "Leave the room this instant, you impertinent little boy!" A Clincher A Clincher.—"Get up, and see the time, Eva. I don't know how to tell it." "No more do I." "O, you horrid story-teller, I taught you myself!" CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES"What! all that for grandpa." "No, darling. It's for you." "Oh! what a little bit!" BRUSHING PA'S NEW HAT BRUSHING PA'S NEW HATEdith. "Now, Tommy, you keep turning slowly, till we've done it all round." Mother speaking to boy Mother. "But, Jacky, I don't think a clock-work engine would be a good toy for you to give baby. He's such a little thing, he'd only break it." Jacky. "Oh, but, mother, I'd promise you I'd never let him even touch it!" Different Points of View Different Points of View.—Maud (with much sympathy in her voice). "Only fancy, mamma, Uncle Jack took us to a picture gallery in Bond Street, and there we saw a picture of a lot of early christians, poor dears, who'd been thrown to a lot of lions and tigers, who were devouring them!" Ethel (with still more sympathy). "Yes, and mamma dear, there was one poor tiger that hadn't got a christian!" if you promise not to say 'hang it Mother (to son, who has been growing rather free of speech). "Tommy, if you promise not to say 'hang it!' again, I'll give you sixpence." Tommy. "All right, ma. But I know another word that's worth half-a-crown!" BETWEEN THE ACTS BETWEEN THE ACTSGoverness. "Well, Marjorie, have you done crying?" Marjorie. "No—I haven't. I'm only resting!" A Wise Child A Wise Child.—Inspector. "Suppose I lent your father £100 in June, and he promised to pay me back £10 on the first of every month, how much would he owe me at the end of the year? Now think well before you answer." Pupil. "£100, sir. Inspector. "You're a very ignorant little girl. You don't know the most elementary rules of arithmetic!" Pupil. "Ah, sir, but you don't know father!" Conscientiousness Conscientiousness.—Miss Fitzogre. "Well, good-bye, Percival, and be a good boy!" Percival (a very good boy, who has just been specially warned not to make personal remarks about people in their presence). "Good-bye, I'll not tell nurse what I think of your nose till you're gone!" Why is the little girl crying Porter. "Why is the little girl crying, missie?" Little Girl. "'Cos' she has put her penny in there, and no choc'late nor nuffing's come'd out!" She's broken the pattern Dorothy (who has found a broken nest-egg). "Oh, mummy, what a pity! My black hen will never be able to lay any more eggs. She's broken the pattern!" WASTED SYMPATHY WASTED SYMPATHYKind-hearted Lady. "Poor child! What a dreadfully swollen cheek you have! Is it a tooth?" Poor Child (with difficulty). "No 'm—it's a sweet!" PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL"I'll tell you something, Miss Bullion. My sister Maud's going to marry your brother Dick. But don't say anything about it, 'cos he doesn't know it himself yet!" is that why you stutter? Softly. "Yes, I was b-b-orn with a s-s-s-ilver s-s-poon in my m-m-m-outh." Kitty. "Oh, Mr. Softly, is that why you stutter?" Well up in her Mythology Well up in her Mythology.—Tommy. "Madge, what's 'necessitas,' masculine or feminine?" Madge. "Why, feminine, of course." Tommy. "Why?" Madge. "Why, she was the mother of invention." WHAT TOMMY OVERHEARD WHAT TOMMY OVERHEARDMrs. Jinks. "That's Signor Scrapeski just passed. He plays the violin like an angel." Tommy. "Mummy, dear, do the angels say 'dam' when a string breaks?" QUESTION AND ANSWER QUESTION AND ANSWERMamma. "Who was the first man, 'Lina?" 'Lina. "I forget." Mamma. "Already? Why, Adam, to be sure! And who was the first woman?" 'Lina (after a thoughtful pause). "Madam!" SHEER IGNORANCE SHEER IGNORANCEBenevolent Person. "Come, my little man, you musn't cry like that!" Boy. "Garn! 'Ow am I to cry then?" I 'aven't got no foots in 'em "I say, Billie, teacher says as if we 'angs our stockings up on C'ris'mas Eve, Santa Claus 'll fill 'em with presents!" "It'll take 'im all 'is time to fill mine. I 'aven't got no foots in 'em!" On his Dignity On his Dignity.—Sam. "Mamma bought me a pair of gloves yesterday." Auntie. "Really! What are they? Kids?" Sam. "No, they're men's." wot are those Sharp (but vulgar) little boy. "Hallo, missus, wot are those?" Old Woman. "Twopence." Boy. "What a lie! They're apples." [Exit, whistling popular air. A Difficult Case.—Mamma. You're a very naughty boy, Tommy, and I shall have to buy a whip, and give you a good whipping. Now will you be good? Tommy (with hesitation). Shall I be allowed to keep the whip after, mammy? Do you know what a lie is Old Gent. "Do you know what a lie is, sir?" Little Boy. "Oh, don't I, jest; I tells lots of 'em." can we sing yer some Christmas carols Old Lady. "No, thanks. I don't want any for the garden to-day." Boy. "Well, then, can we sing yer some Christmas carols instead?" EXPERIENTIA DOCET EXPERIENTIA DOCET"And are you going to give me something for my birthday, aunty Maud?" "Of course, darling." "Then don't let it be something useful!" Isn't it Sunday Mamma. "You mustn't bowl your hoop in the front on Sunday. You must go into the back garden." Tommy. "Isn't it Sunday in the back garden, mamma?" A NEW TEST A NEW TESTAunt (in alarm). "Surely you've eaten enough, haven't you, Tommy?" Tommy (in doubt). "F-f-f-feel me!" Sunday Schooling.—Teacher. What does one mean by "Heaping coals of fire on someone's head" now, Harry Hawkins? Harry Hawkins. Givin' it 'im 'ot, teacher! Auntie. Do you love the chickens, dear? Dolly. Yes, Auntie. But I do wish this big one hadn't such a funny laugh! Bilious Old Uncle Bilious Old Uncle. "I'm delighted to see this fall; it will give that dreadful boy chilblains, and he'll be laid up out of mischief." Occupation of "that dreadful boy" Occupation of "that dreadful boy" at the same period. Chronology.—Old Gentleman ("putting a few questions"). Now, boys—ah—can any of you tell me what commandment Adam broke when he took the forbidden fruit? Small Scholar ("like a shot"). Please, sir, th'worn't no commandments then, sir! [Questioner sits corrected. |
|
