  The Lady and Gentleman Help Association can find excellent positions for— A Lady Help with twenty thousand a year, who can help her husband to enjoy existence. A Lady Help with deft fingers, who can open oysters, peel walnuts and prawns, and make toast. A Lady Help who can draft a speech that will suit an ex-Secretary of State at a Social Science Congress. A Lady Help who can do the same for a mild and moderate Bishop at a Church Congress—extra wages will be given for assistance in the composition of charges. A Lady Help who can drive Four-in-Hand, for a coach to be started from Hatchett's Hotel to Coventry. A Lady Help who is absolutely helpless—none need apply unless they can show that they are good for nothing. Also— A Gentleman Help who can nurse babies, and comb their hair carefully. The Compensating Circumstance.—Sympathetic Visitor. "Poor dear Mr. Smith, how he must suffer with all that sneezing and coughing." Mrs. Smith. "He does, indeed; but you can't think how it amuses the baby!" A Gentleman Help who can choose good cigars, and assist in smoking them. A Gentleman Help who can work a sewing machine and a private apparatus for the distillation of whiskey. A Gentleman Help who can assist the Sultan of Turkey to pay the interest on his debts. A Gentleman Help who can help the clerk of the weather to turn on a little more sunshine. At the Smithson's Dance.—Young Innocent. "I beg your pardon, did I tread on your foot that time?" Sweet Girl (very sweetly). "Oh, no, not that time!" "Mary, there's three months' dust in the drawing-room!" "That isn't my fault, mum. You know I've only bin here a fortnight!" "You're dreadfully untidy again, Mary! I don't know what the baker will think of you when he comes." Doctor (to Mrs. Perkins, whose husband is ill). "Has he had any lucid intervals?" Mrs. Perkins (with dignity). "'E's 'ad nothink except what you ordered, Doctor!" T'other Way Round.—He. "That's Lady Passeh. She's got an action on at the courts, asking for £5,000 damages." She. "Damages! I should have thought she'd have asked for repairs." The Eye as an Aid to the Ear.—Young Lady (repeating conversation to deaf old gentleman). "Miss Frills says it gave her such a fright." Deaf Old Gent. "Eh? I didn't quite—" Young Lady. "Such—a—fright!" Deaf Old Gent. "Ah, yes—I agree with you—so she is!" Why, Naturally.—"Cook, ought I to write Salvation Army in converted commas?" Orthodox.—The Rev. Alexis Tonsher (going round his new parish). "Of course, you observe Lent, Mrs. Rickyard?" Mrs. Rickyard. "Oh, yes, sir, we allus hev pancakes o' Shrove Tuesday!" An Excuse.—Mistress. "Another breakage, Jane? And a wedding present, too! How ever did you do it?" Jane (sobbing). "They al—ways break—when I—drop 'em!" Appreciative.—Amateur Tenor. "I shall just sing one more song, and then I shall go." Sarcastic Friend. "Couldn't you go first!" "Entering the Social Circle."—Making the first cut into a round of beef. He. "What pretty hair that Miss Dashwood has—like spun gold!" She (her rival). "Yes—fourteen carrot." Mabel. "We always do this when mater's out, uncle. Saves all the bother of talking. Ripping idea, isn't it?" A CHEERFUL PROSPECT General Blaxer. "Ah, partner, do you—er—discard from—er—strength or weakness?" Mr. Mildman. "Er—er—generally from fright!" The Mere Man. "I—er—leave it to you." His Partner. "Coward!" Things One would rather have left Unsaid.—Tomlinson. "Good-bye, Miss Eleanora——" Miss Eleanora. "But you've already said good-bye to me, Mr. Tomlinson?" Tomlinson (who is always ready with some pretty speech). "Have I, really? Well, one can't do a pleasant thing too often, you know!" Feline Amenities.—Fair Hostess (who is proud of her popularity). "Yes; I flatter myself there's not a door-bell in the whole street that's so often rung as mine!" Fair Visitor. "Well, dear, I had to ring it five times!" Bachelor Housekeeping.—Mr. Brown. "Pray, Jane, what on earth is the reason I am kept waiting for my breakfast in this way?" Jane. "Please, sir, the rolls isn't come, and there's no bread in the house!" Mr. Brown. "Now, upon my word! How can you annoy me with such trifles? No bread? then bring me some toast." [Exit Jane in dismay. Social Insincerities.—His Lordship (vociferously, with the rest). "Brava! Encore! Go on! I could listen all night!" (Aside, to footman). "Just see if my carriage is come. Look sharp!" |
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