  To destroy black-beetles.—Turn a pack of fox-hounds into the kitchen. To cure smoky chimneys.—Discontinue fires. To get rid of ghosts.—Use disinfecting fluid copiously. To expel dry-rot.—Soak the places affected with the finest dry sherry. To get the servants up early in the morning.—Send them to bed early at night. To revive the fire.—Tie up the front-door knocker in a white kid glove. To prevent the beer going too fast.—Possess the key to the mystery. To avoid draughts.—Don't take any. To destroy moths.—Collect butterflies. How to keep plate clean.-Wrap it up in silver paper. How to dispose of old newspapers.—Put them into the brown study. The Most Continuous Break We Know. Our housemaid's. The Duchess (who takes a great interest in all her servants, and has a large house-party). "Oh, so you're the new scullery maid. I hope you like your place?" New Scullery Maid. "No, my lady. I want to leave next week. I can't stand these late dinners. All the ladies as I've ever been connected with have just took a bit of something in their 'ands, and there wasn't all this washing up!" Latin at the Bridge Table.—Sursum-corda—"I double hearts." Stirring Event.—Mixing a plum-pudding. Sentiment for the Servants' Hall.—May we never smell any powder but what is white! Good Knife for Fruit.—"Le Sabre de mon Pear." Kitchen Dressers.—Fine cooks. Self-Respect.—Cook (to fellow-servant who has been after a new place). "Well, 'Liza, will it suit?" Eliza. "Not if I knows it! Why, when I got there, blest if there wasn't the two young ladies of the 'ouse both a-usin' of one piano at the same time! 'Well,' thinks I, 'this his a comin' down in the world!' So I thought I was best say good mornin'!" The Back-door Bell.—A pretty kitchen maid. Prize Idiot (who doesn't know all the family). "Beastly slow here. I'm off. Which way do you go home?" Son of the House. "I'm there now." Not so Bad as They Seem.—Mistresses show more consideration for their servants than is generally supposed. Not long ago Mrs. Fidgitt was heard telling Mary Ann that she had been scouring the whole house for her. How We Arrange our Little Dinners.— Mistress. "Oh, cook, we shall want dinner for four this evening. What do you think, besides the joint, of ox-tail-soup, lobster patÉs, and an entrÉe—say, beef?" Cook. "Yes,'m—Fresh, or Austr——?" Mistress. "Let's see? It's only the Browns—tinned will do!" Motto for a Servants' Hall.—"They also serve who only stand and wait."—Milton. "Cook's" Excursionist.—Her policeman on a trip. Sweet Simplicity.—Visitor. "Jane, has your mistress got a boot-jack?" Maid-of-all-work. "No, sir; please, sir, I clean all the boots, sir!" Before the Reception.—Lady of the House (instructing new page). "Have you ever been at a party before, Riggles?" Riggles. "Honly as a guest, mum." Sympathetic.—Young Wife (rather nervously). "Oh, cook, I must really speak to you. Your master is always complaining. One day it is the soup, the second day it is the fish, the third day it is the joint—in fact, it is always something or other." Cook (with feeling). "Well, mum, I'm truly sorry for you. It must be quite hawful to live with a gentleman of that sort." Mary (the new housemaid who visits the study for the first time, and is unaware that poor Snooks is suffering from a violent headache and has been ordered to keep a damp cloth round his head and wear goggles). "Lawk-a-mussy!" Mrs. Snooks (appearing at door). "What's the matter, Mary? It's only master!" Everything Comes to the Man who Waits.—Country Rector's Wife (engaging manservant). And can you wait at dinner? Man. Aw, yes, mum; I'm never that hoongry but I can wait till you've done. Unconsciously Appropriate.—Jane. 'Allo, Hemma, what are yer a-crying about? Hemma. Missus 'as given me the sack because I knocked over some of them hornaments she calls "break-a-break." Gentleman (to Thomas, who has given notice). "Oh, certainly! You can go, of course; but, as you have been with me for nine years, I should like to know the reason?" Thomas. "Why, sir, it's my feelins. You used always to read prayers, sir, yourself—and since Miss Wilkins has bin here, she bin a-reading of 'em. Now I can't bemean myself by sayin 'Amen' to a guv'ness." The Force of Habit.—Our coachman, when he waits at table, always commits the same fault: he whips away the plates too soon. A Good Start.—New Maid Servant (just arrived). "May I harsk if my young man 'as called yet?" FEMININE AMENITIES Mabel (not in her first youth). "First of all he held my hand and told my fortune; and then, Evie, he gazed into my face ever so long, and said he could read my thoughts! Wasn't that clever of him, dear?" Evie. "Oh, I suppose he read between the lines, darling." New Version.—It was the reflection of a thoughtful hall-porter that the self-denying man must be the man who says he is not at home when he is. A Discharge without a Report.—A servant dismissed without a character. Diagnosis.—"Is the rector better to-day, Jarvis?"—"No, sir; not any better, sir!" "Has he got a locum tenens?"—"No, sir. Same old pain in the back!" Hostess. "And do you really believe in christian science?" Visitor. "Well, you see, I've been getting rather stouter lately, and it's such a comfort to know that I really have no body!" |
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