  BY A FASHIONABLE VALET. The real essence of a gentleman is perfume. You know the snob by his hands—the gentleman by his boots. It is easier to pardon a hole in a person's manners than one in his coat. In the noblest park there are mushrooms. One grows rich, but one is born elegant. With men, as with monuments, position is everything. We make our money in London, but we spend it in Paris. Society has but little faith, except in scandal. Joke with an inferior, and you tumble to the level of that inferior. There are many stylish men, but very few men of style. Shopkeepers are the counters in the game of life. When we have no ready money, we are only too glad to use them. A lady is an angel that ought never to touch the earth, excepting when she is stepping from the door to her carriage. A Ju-Jitsuous Hint—Fair Victim. "Pardon, Mr. Snobbarts, this is a waltz, I believe, not a bout of ju-jitsu!" Anything that reveals a compromise with one's pocket is inelegant, as for instance, Berlin gloves. In my opinion, naked-handed poverty is a thousand times preferable. You can generally tell "a son of the soil" by the amount he carries in his nails. England gives us meat, and France sends us cooks. The gentleman is known at once by his walk, the lady by her carriage. Credit is the homage that trade pays (and sometimes pays very dearly) to rank. Not so Bad as Volodyovski.—Lady (to applicant for nursemaid's place). What is your name? Applicant. Hermyntrude, mum. Lady. Good heavens! That would never do. Can't you think of something shorter? Applicant (after a pause). Well, mum, my young man allus calls me Carrots. Simple Fractures.—Servants' breakages. "Ah, mum; I'm a 'eap better in my 'eart since last time you come 'ere a-districk visitin'. It's all along o' thisher little book 'Hernest Words to the Young' as I pinched outside a bookshop wen the propperrieter was a-lookin' the other way. A power o' good it 'ave done me!" The Beau Ideal of a Cook.—One who cooks a rabbit to a hare! A Servant on Spiritualism.—It is fortunate that rapping spirits, which seem very tricksy beings, do not seem to be able to move street-knockers. Otherwise we should continually be going to answer a rap at the door, and coming back, saying, "Please'm only a ghost." The Force of Habit.—Missus (who is acting as amanuensis to Mary). "Is there anything more you wish me to say, Mary?" Mary. "No, marm, except just to say, please excuse bad writin' and spellin'." A Triumph in Cookery.—When the cook makes a hash of the marrow-bones. Mistress (to new maid). "Well, Mary, I've tried to apportion you different duties for each day in the week, so that you may have variety in your work. You've been here a month now. Just tell me which day you like best?" Maid. "Please, mum, my day out"! The Test of Courage.—She. "You men are such cowards." He. "Anyhow, one of us married you!" "Not Negotiable!"—Impecunious Lodger. "Jemima, did you ask Mrs. Maggles whether she would take my I. O. U. for this quarter's rent as I'm rather——" Maid of all Work. "Yes, sir, and she say she won't, sir, not if you was to hoffer 'er the 'ole halphabet!" A Blank Page.—Sir Patrick. "Then, I presume you know a little about cleaning silver, waiting at table, and so on?" Jenkins. "Nothing whatever, sir. But I do not suppose there is anything which intellect may not overcome!!" Seasonable.—A servant, to whom money is an object, during the present winter offers (unbeknown) to let out his master's study fire by the hour. For terms apply to the Pantry, Belgravia. "Slightly Mixed."—Mistress (to maid, who has just received a month's notice). "I would rather not give you a character at all. But if you insist upon it, of course I shall tell the truth about you." Maid. "And if you do, ma'am, I shall suttingly bring an action for defimation o' character!" The Flunkey Millennium..—When every valet shall be exalted. Inhabited House Duty.—The servants'. And I wish they'd do it.—Yours, paterfamilias. Sancta Simplicitas.—Housemaid. "We're getting up a sweepstakes, Mrs. Thrupp. Won't you join?" Housekeeper. "Gracious me, child; not I! Why if I won a horse I shouldn't know what to do with him!" Early Domestic Trials.—Young Wife (in great trepidation—to her brother). "Tommy, I'm going to give the cook warning. Just listen at this corner, and as soon as you hear me say, 'Cook, I give you a month's warning from to-day,' mind you call me, and say I'm wanted immediately!" |
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