  Since the immortal meeting of the Brick Lane Temperance Society, at which the Messrs. Weller and the Reverend the Shepherd attended (after refection elsewhere), and the latter, in response to the Chairman’s fat smile and invitation to address the meeting, declined, on the ground that the meeting was drunk, we have seen nothing so good as this, which we take from the Dundee Courier:— “On Sunday last, the minister of a large congregation in Dundee was interrupted in the course of his forenoon sermon by the repeated coughing of his auditors. Pausing in the midst of his observations, he addressed his congregation to the following effect:—‘You go about the streets at the New Year time—you get drunk, and get cold, then you come here and cough, cough like a park of artillery. I think I must give you a vacation of six weeks, that you may have time to get sober, and to regain your health again.’” “MOST UNFORTUNATE!” Bailie McScrew (to Smith, on a short visit to the North). “An’ what are ye daen’ to-morrow nicht, Mester Smeth?” Smith. “To-morrow? Oh, nothing particular.” Bailie. “An’ the next nicht?” Smith. “Ah! on Friday I’m to dine with the Browns——” Bailie. “Man, that’s a petty! Aw was gaun t’ ask ye to tak’ yer denner wi’ us o’ Friday!!” IN VINO MEMORIA Major Portsoken (a pretty constant guest). “I say, Buchanan, this isn’t—(another sip)—the same champagne——!” Scots Butler. “Na, that’s a’ dune! There was thrutty dizzen; and ye’ve had yere share o’t, major!!” TITLES TO DISTINCTION Passenger (from the South, waking up). “Pray, sir, what station is this?” Native. “Thes es Paisley, sir!—Paisley! Celebrated toon, sir!—Berrth-place o’ th’ poat Tannahul, sir! And—’hem?—ah’m a Paisley man mysel’, sir! Ah was born i’ Paisley—ah was——” [Luckily the train had now run into the station, and stopped. A PRACTICAL VIEW First Parishioner (to recently-appointed Minister). “Verra gled to fall in wi’ ye, sir, an’ mak’ yer acqua’ntance! I hinna been at the kirk syne ye cam’, as I wis in Ross-shire.” Parson. “Well, I am very pleased to meet you. You may have heard whether my serm——” Parishioner. “Oh, a’ the fowk are greatly taken wi’ yer menners an’ appearance, yer attention to the puir bodies o’ the parish, yer visitin’ the sick, an’——wha cares for preachin’!” This lenitive application did good, for the congregation sat quiet, and coughed no more than they would have dared to do had they been in presence of the Queen, or any other great person, instead of being in a mere church. But one seat-holder, though he held his seat, could not hold his tongue, and declared that the congregation was insulted. We suspect that the minister knew best. In fact, had the incident occurred anywhere but in Scotland, where every man is proverbially sober, we should have been sure that the minister knew best. Hurrah, for the toddy of Bonnie Dundee! COMMERCIAL INSTINCT Dugald. “Did ye hear that Sawney McNab was ta’en up for stealin’ a coo?” Donald. “Hoot, toot, the stipit bodie! Could he no bocht it an’ no paid for’t?” |
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