  As Played Daily on the Principal Lines Turning Business into Pleasure.—Take a traveller pressed for time, and induce him to enter a train supposed to be in correspondence with another train belonging to another line, and by which other train the traveller proposes to proceed to his destination. As the first train arrives at the junction, start off the second train en route for Town. The dismay of the traveller when he finds his journey interrupted will be, to say the least, most mirth-moving. The Panic-stricken Passengers.—Allow an express train to arrive at the station of a rival company two hours behind its time. The travellers will, of course, be anxious to learn the cause of the delay, and will (again of course) receive no sort of information on the subject from the servants of the rival company. Should there be any nervous ladies in the train, the fun will become fast and furious. A Lark in the Dark.—Start a train ten minutes late, and gradually lose time until it arrives in the middle of a long tunnel, and then stop the engine. Stay where you are for half an hour, whistling and letting off steam every now and then, to increase the excitement. Should it be known in the train that an express is due on the line of rails already occupied by the carriages, the humour of the situation will be greatly improved. Before playing this joke, it will be as well to lock the carriage-doors, and to carefully sever the cord of communication existing (on some lines) between the passengers and the guard. A Comical Meal.—On a long journey promise that the train shall stop at a stated station ten minutes for refreshments. Lose time in the customary manner, and allow the train to arrive at the stated station half an hour late. Permit the passengers to descend and to enter the refreshment-rooms. The moment they are served, drive them back hurriedly into the carriages with the threat that if they are not immediately seated in their places they will be left behind. When the passengers are once more in their compartments, the carriage-doors should be securely locked, and the train can then remain waiting beside the platform for three-quarters of an hour. The Strange Companions.—Invite ladies and gentlemen to travel in a first-class carriage. When the compartment is a third full, over-fill it with "merry" excursionists holding third-class tickets. The contrast between the "merriment" of the excursionists and the disgust of the ladies and gentlemen will be found a source of never-ending amusement. A Wholesome Joke (added by Mr. Punch and suggested to the Passengers).—Whenever you find yourselves subjected to the "fun" of the railway officials, write to the newspapers and obtain a summons against the directors of the company which you believe to be in fault. Verb. sap. I'm thirteen at home "Half third return to Brixton, please." "Half! What's your age?" "I'm thirteen at home; but I'm only nine and a half on railways." 'Ullo Cocky, where 'ave you been Friend (to minor rail official at provincial station) "'Ullo Cocky, where 'ave you been all this time?" Minor R.O. (with dignity). "Oh I had to go up on duty for the Naval Review at Spit'ead, I 'ad." Friend (impressed). "Ah! Fine sight I expect it wur?" Minor R.O. "Well, I can't say as I saw much of it. I war taking the tickets at Vaux'all!" AN EXCITING TIME AN EXCITING TIMEPoor Jones is convinced that his worst fears are at last realised, and he is left alone with a dangerous lunatic!! (It was only little Wobbles running anxiously over the points of his coming speech to the electors of Plumpwell-on-Tyme!!) TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERNScene—A third-class carriage. Time—Three hours before the next station. Dramatis PersonÆ—Jones and Robinson. "It's the last!—and it's a TÄndstickor. It'll only strike on the box!" "Strike it on the box, then;—but for Heaven's sake, be careful!" "Yes; but, like a fool, I've just pitched the box out of window!" SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE "WHAT'S SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &c.Passenger (in second class). "I think I've got into the wrong carriage." Ticket Inspector (sternly). "The difference must be paid!" Passenger (triumphantly). "Oh, just so! Then I'll trouble you for three shillings—I've a first-class ticket!" not even a copper A REMINDEROld Lady. "Now, porter, you're quite sure you've put all my luggage in?—the big portmantle and——" Porter. "All right, mum." Old Lady. "And you're certain I've not left anything behind——" Porter. "No, mum, not even a copper!" NOTES OF TRAVEL NOTES OF TRAVELThe Cunard "Special" full speed for London John Bull (of the World in general). "There is nothing to be alarmed at. Surely your American trains go much faster than this?" Jonathan (from the West in particular). "Why, yaas. But 'tain't that. I'm afeard it'll run off your darned little island!" Impatient Traveller Impatient Traveller. "Er—how long will the next train be, portah?" Porter. "Heaw long? Weel, sir ah dunno heaw ah con saay to hauf an inch. Happen there'll be fower or five co-aches an' a engine or soa." THE LEVEL CROSSING THE LEVEL CROSSING"Are there no more trains this evening on the up line, porter?" "No, mum." "And no more trains on the down line?" "No, mum." "Is there no special train?" "No, mum." "Nor an excursion train?" "No, mum. The gates are to for the rest of the evening." "You're quite sure?" "Yes, mum." "Then come, Amelia. We can cross the line!" Is this a smoking compartment Old Maid. "Is this a smoking compartment, young man?" Obliging Passenger. "No, mum. 'Igher up!" |
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