  (A Romance for a "Ladies Only" Compartment) Scene—Reserved Carriage on the London and Utopian Railway. Female Traveller in possession. Enter, suddenly, a Male Traveller. Male Traveller. A thousand apologies! I really nearly missed my train, so was obliged to take refuge in this carriage. Trust I don't intrude. Fem. T. (after a pause). As you have no one to present you, I must ask "if you are any lady's husband?" Male T. (with a sigh). Alas, no! I am a wretched bachelor! Fem. T. (drily). That is nothing out of the common. I have been given to understand that all bachelors are miserable. Male T. No doubt your husband agrees with the opinion? Fem. T. (calmly). I have no experience. I am a spinster. Male T. (smiling). Indeed! And you selected a ladies' carriage? Fem. T. (quickly). Because there was no room anywhere else. Male T. Well, well! At the next station I can get into a smoking compartment. Fem. T. Surely there is no need to take so much trouble. Male T. Why! don't you object to a cigar? Fem. T. Not in the least. The fact is, I smoke myself! [Red fire and tobacco. Male T. (after a pause). I have it on my conscience to make a correction. I said just now that I was not somebody's husband. Fem. T. (annoyed). Then you are married! Male T. (with intention). Well, not yet. But if you like you can receive me as somebody's betrothed. Fem. T. (regardless of grammar). Who's somebody? Male T. (smiling). Think of your own name. Fem. T. What next? Male T. Why, give it to me; and if you like you shall have mine in exchange. (Train arrives at a station.) Guard (without). All change! [And later on they do. The Patron Saint of Railways.-St. Pan-crash. A NON-SEQUITUR A NON-SEQUITURAffable Old Gentleman (who has half a minute to spare). "I suppose now, my boy, you take a good sum of money during the day?" Shoeblack. "Yessur, 'cause lots o' gintleman, when they wants to ketch a train, gives me sixpence!" [Old gent finds the sixpence, but in thinking over it afterwards, couldn't see the connection. 'ow do I know where I'm going? THE TWOPENNY TUBE"Hi, guv'nor, there ain't no station named on this ticket!" "No; all our tickets are alike." "Then, 'ow do I know where I'm going?" HIGHLY ACCOMMODATING HIGHLY ACCOMMODATINGStout Party (rather hot). "Hope you don't find the breeze too much, sir?" Fellow Passenger. "Oh! not at all, sir! I rather like it!" A RAILWAY STATION SKYLIGHT VIEW—A RAILWAY STATIONHint taken Traveller (to Irish porter labelling luggage). "Don't you keep a brush for that work, porter?" Porter. "No, yer honour. Our tongues is the only insthrumints we're allowed. But—they're aisy kep' wet, yer honour!" [Hint taken. |
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